Phil and Melinda were halfway home when Melinda's phone rang. She was driving so she motioned for Phil to grab her phone, but before he could his phone also went off. He picked up his phone and answered it. His face changed immediately to serious and concerned and Melinda gripped the steering wheel tighter.
He listened and then spoke, "It's okay. Just calm down William."
That only made Melinda tighten her grip and press harder on the accelerator going faster.
"She'll be okay. Just – just let her work it out. We'll be home in about fifteen minutes." He paused and listened and then spoke again. "No it isn't your fault. But don't – just don't go in the room." He listened again, and then said, "No Lian probably shouldn't either. Oh she locked it. Yeah she has panic attacks." He paused again and glanced at Melinda who was breathing way too fast. He spoke to William again. "She'll be okay. Just tell Lian to calmly talk to her from the door. No don't break the door down. Mel can break in if she needs to." He paused again. "we will be home in a few minutes." He had noticed Melinda was speeding and driving around other cars faster than she probably should be doing. "Yeah just tell her to talk calmly. It'll be okay. It's not your fault."
He hung up the phone and looked at Melinda. "Um you might want to slow down a bit, so we actually make it there, okay? She'll be okay."
"You don't know that. What happened?"
"Your dad's not sure. He said he just moved near to her and accidentally touched her shoulder and back while trying to maneuver around the kitchen and she freaked out a little. He said he was just passing by her to make a cup of tea while she and Lian were cooking. Then she realized he had just bumped her in advertently but she got all upset anyway and then had trouble catching her breathe and then looked devasted as she ran out of the room and locked herself in her room."
"Damnit."
Melinda sped down the street that Bobbi lived on and roared into the driveway, turned the car off, and jumped out running into the house. Phil followed behind her closely. She opened the door and moved to the room Daisy was saying in. Her mother was there at the door. She nodded to her mother who moved back while Melinda knocked softly on the door.
"I said goway. I'm-mm-fine." Obviously, she wasn't since her voice came out as a gasping sob.
"It's me. Daisy let me in please. You know I can pick the lock anyway."
It was quiet and Melinda thought for a minute she'd have to break in, when she heard a rustle from the room and the door clicked.
"Just you. I don't want anyone else to see me."
"Okay. I'm coming in now." Melinda went in the room and closed the door. The room was dark with the window shade pulled down and no light on. She waited a few moments till her eyes adjusted to the darker room, and the saw Daisy was seated on the floor leaning her back against the closet door.
Melinda moved to her and sat down next to her, careful not to touch Daisy. "Tough day huh?"
"Where'd you go?"
"Ice skating. Phil took me. You were asleep. Besides I knew you had planned to cook with my mom. I thought it would be okay."
Daisy sighed. "It was. Everything's okay. Except me. I'm fucked up."
Melinda stayed quiet expecting Daisy to say more. It took a few minutes. Melinda closed her eyes and waited. She was really getting good at this patience thing.
"I don't know. I don't even know what's wrong with me. One minute Lian's teaching me how to stuff dumplings and close them and the next minute I'm freaking out." She paused a couple seconds. "All he did was brush into me. Pretty sure I even stepped back into him but – but- I – it's so – there's – there's something wrong with me."
Melinda opened her eyes and looked over at her daughter, who had her head down and was crying quietly. "Hey. Look at me."
Daisy shook her head and continued to look at her sneakers.
Melinda pursed her lips together and took in deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Daisy. I'm sorry so many people hurt you and so many let you down. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."
That had Daisy turning her head to look at Melinda.
Melinda continued. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop them. I'm sorry I can't find them all and beat them to within an inch of their sorry ass lives. But even that won't stop your pain. It won't make anything better. That pain is going to be over when you are able to let it go. On your terms. It takes as long as it needs to take. There's no expiration date on it, no date when you magically can turn your emotions off and on. So yeah, Daisy, you're fucked up. And that's okay. It's okay to be messed up, and to be messy. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be affected by what others do, what they say." She turned to Daisy and looked her in the eye. "Life's messy. It's sometimes fucked up. All we can really do, is muddle through it with people who care about us. People who stand with us even through the messed up parts."
Daisy nodded. "It's good to have someone who gets it. You get it. That's different for me. I'm not sure how to – I don't – sometimes it scares me how much you get it. You know?"
"Yeah. I do. All this. Everything. All of it being thrown at you so fast. Change is never easy."
"Actually I'm used to change. You get used to that pretty fast when you are a foster kid. What's completely throwing me off my game is you and Phil. All this. A new house. You two. An aunt. Grandparents. Friends. I want all of this so bad – I want so bad to be your kid, your Skye. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything before."
Melinda smiled. "We're not going anywhere."
"I so want to believe that."
"You will. I'll keep reminding you till you do."
"That could get annoying." Daisy went for the quip.
"I heard that's what parents are supposed to be to their teenagers. I can probably step it up a notch if you want." Melinda quipped right back.
Daisy offered her a small smile. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, leaning forward. The tears had stopped. "I hate them."
"Excuse me?"
"Them. My – my – the people whole took me. Cal and Jiaying Johnson. Last night I looked at some pictures. After your dad told the stories and showed me pics of you as a kid. When you talked about me. About being pregnant with me. I wanted to see the pictures of you. Your wedding dress was pretty."
"I do like the color red."
"Yeah. You looked nice. I mean you were so happy. So was Phil. I was inside you. I was that baby."
"You were. You kept me up at night. Well once you started kicking. Three in the morning. For a good hour."
"So I was punctual back then huh?"
"You were."
"Didja get sick?"
"Just a little. Months three and four. I couldn't stand certain smells. Especially coffee. Or drink any kind of soda. I had a taste for grapefruit juice for a while."
"Sour huh?"
Melinda laughed. "Phil would say you were going to come out with puckered lips from the amount of it I would drink."
"I'd like to do that. Beat people up."
The abrupt change of subject caught Melinda off guard. She widened her eyes at Daisy with an expression of curiosity.
"Oh. You said before you wanted to beat up anyone who ever hurt me. I'd be cool with learning how to do that. You know – defend myself."
"You want to learn Martial Arts?"
"Yeah. I mean I like TaiChi and it's kind of like that right?"
"Mmm...it is. I can look around and find a place you can get lessons at."
"You can't teach me?"
"I could. Is that what you want?"
Daisy smiled. "Yeah. Just fair warning though. I'm not very athletic. You could suffer a lot."
Melinda laughed. "I'll take my chances. I'd be happy to teach you anything Daisy. You know – Phil would too. He's a great cook."
"Yeah. Oh crap. Cooking. We weren't done. Well we were done with the buns. But not the dumplings. I messed that up too."
"I'm sure my mom will be happy to continue the lesson Daisy."
"It's not that. What do I say? To him. To them both."
"You don't have to say anything. They'll understand."
"I don't even understand Melinda. How could they? He probably thinks I'm a lunatic."
"Dais. No. They know – they are aware of things."
"That almost makes it worse. I don't want pity. I – I don't know. I wanted them to like me."
"Oh kid. They like you. You're very likable."
"For me. Not cause who I was. Cause of who I am." She stared into Melinda's eyes.
Melinda paused, and then smiled. "I like you Daisy. You." She poked her in the shoulder.
"See there you go again. Totally getting me. I've never even cared before. You know – never cared what other people thought of me. I stopped caring a while ago. Till now."
"How about you just talk to my dad. Tell him what happened. He needs to know what happened so he can avoid it."
"I don't even know though. I guess he just moved at the wrong time and startled me."
"Tell him that."
"He didn't do anything wrong though. It was me. Cause I'm messed up."
"Tell him that too. Tell him it's not personal. And tell him it's is very likely to happen again."
"I don't want it to happen again. I hate this. I hate all these stupid things, these memories. It's like I can't stop them, but I hate them. I don't like not being in control."
"I hate it too. Tai Chi can help with that. Control, and focus."
"So that's why you do Tai Chi?"
"Partly yes. It is calming and allows focus."
"Yeah. I do feel more calm after. Control would be nice. My one shrink taught me how to focus on sensory things when I started having a panic attack. It was actually helpful. One of the few shrinks I liked."
"You like Jemma."
"Yeah. She's okay. She doesn't tell me everything is all my fault. Crap I still owe her money."
"You can do chores, extra ones."
"I could get a job."
"Maybe down the road. But for now, how about you focus on school. No need to add more changes right now."
"Yeah. Hey Melinda?"
She looked over at the girl.
"Thanks."
Melinda raised an eyebrow.
"Just for not pushing. For listening. For hearing me."
Melinda nodded. "I have a billion questions."
"Yeah. That's why – why thanks. Cause I know that. So did I make you barf? When I was inside you?"
The abrupt change of subject was clearly Daisy's way of ending the conversation. Melinda was learning quickly that was her go to, that she'd reached her limit for disclosure and serious subjects. She laughed. "A few times."
Daisy followed Melinda to the kitchen where Phil, William and Lian were. Phil got up and moved toward Daisy, but Melinda gave him a slight shake of her head. Melinda sat down at the table, while Daisy hovered in the entrance.
"Mom, could you put the water on. I'd like to make a cup of tea. Daisy you want a cup?"
She looked over to Melinda and nodded. "Sure."
Lian, who was standing by the counter obliged, putting water in the teakettle and then placing it on the stove. Phil sat back down. Daisy moved further into the room slowly and finally pulled out a chair and sat down next to William.
"So," Daisy started speaking, "I guess that was weird huh?"
William looked over at her. "To be honest, it was scary. I had no idea what happened or what to do."
Daisy bit her bottom lip and nodded. "Yeah a lot of times people don't. I mean how could they. Some perfectly calm person begins to freak out and for really no reason..."
"Daisy." Melinda's voice was sharp and no nonsense.
Daisy sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm messed up, you didn't do anything wrong and it's all just me being stupid."
Melinda moved her chair closer to Daisy and then admonished her. "Stop it Daisy. You are not stupid, and your feelings are valid. Just explain what happened and stop apologizing. Talk to them like you talked to me."
"Hey Mel, Maybe you should back off a little." Phil spoke up. "Let Daisy take the..."
"Phil. No." Melinda reached over and lifted Daisy's chin and looked her in the eye. "I know it's hard. But I also know you need to stop blaming yourself and just talk. It is what it is. It happened and you and I both know it will happen again. You are not stupid, stop saying that please. Yeah you are messed up but who isn't? Yeah it sucks. But you don't have to play it off, pretend it's okay, of make light of it. It's real. Just tell them why and then we all move on today." Melinda kept eye contact and reached down to take Daisy's hand.
Daisy gripped her hand and took a deep breath. "You startled me, William, cause I didn't see you get up. I didn't hear you either and when you brushed into me – when I moved into you – however it happened – I was – I had a flashback. And I forgot my techniques for a little bit cause you guys are – well cause I want you both to like me and thought I messed everything up and lost it a little." She took another deep breath, and gripped Melinda's hand even more tightly. "I was – it was a panic attack. Because I was set off. Then after I could get back control, I got mad cause I reacted that way and so I ran to my room."
"And." Melinda prodded her.
"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was."
"And it very well may happen again dad. With you. With Phil. With ..."
"Mostly men." Daisy finished.
"I'm sorry Daisy." William finally spoke after an awkward pause. "I don't know what else to say other than I would never hurt you in any way."
"I know." Daisy looked over at Phil. "I know you won't too. But that doesn't make it go away."
Phil nodded. "Is there anything I can – we can do to make it easier for you."
Daisy glanced at Melinda. "Maybe just being aware is all you can do."
"Okay." Phil responded back. "Should we avoid touching you then?"
Daisy shook her head. "I don't know Phil."
"Make sure Daisy knows you want to touch her. Or ask her. Maybe start there." Melinda offered.
"Yeah." Daisy nodded. "But I don't want you guys to walk on eggshells either."
"Like overthinking everything." William spoke up.
"Yeah cause that might be even worse, you know."
Lian came over to the table and set teacups in front of Daisy and Melinda. "I want to know how to handle a panic attack. If you are positive that we may see more, than we should know what to do."
"Well I can most times pull them back somewhat. I was taught techniques to get through the worst parts. But sometimes, sometimes I can't."
"I'd certainly like to know what I can do too." Phil added.
"Jemma most likely could teach all of us. I have some experience in it. But learning more will always be helpful. I can set it up with her. Maybe at our next family counseling session." Melinda looked at everyone gauging their reactions.
Lian nodded. William did too.
"Of course. Whatever will be helpful. Count me in." Phil said eagerly.
"Daisy. You okay with that?"
Daisy squeezed Melinda's hand and nodded. "Thank you."
"We could include Hunter and Bobbi too. They are family."
Daisy smiled. "Yeah. Family. That's cool."
"Okay. Sounds like a plan. But those dumplings are not going to make themselves. Come on Daisy let's get back to it.
Hours later Daisy had stuffed herself silly with buns and dumplings. Bobbi and Hunter had returned and Lian and William had gone next door for the night.
"Ugggghhhh. I'm so full."
Melinda paused, and looking up from the suitcase she was packing and laughed. "Come on shake a leg. We want to get to my place before midnight."
"I seriously can't move. I ate too much."
"Daisy it's already seven o'clock. It's a good half hour drive to my apartment in Sunday traffic. You need to finish packing your stuff."
"Ugh. Bending is hard. My stomach might pop."
"Add over dramatic actress as one of your talents."
Bobbi laughed. "Come on Daisy. I'll help you. I will do the bending." She offered a hand to the girl who took it while grinning.
"Still looking for that cool aunt award, aren't you?"
"Not looking. I know I am the cool aunt. I don't say things like 'shake a leg' like old people do." She gave a poignant look at Melinda.
Daisy laughed, allowing herself to be pulled up and they both headed to her room before Melinda could respond.
Phil laughed at Melinda's indignant face as he was packing up his own things. "So earlier, you and Daisy had a good heart to heart talk? I mean, she appeared to take your advice and is listening to you."
"I just remind her of reality Phil. She is the one who needs to listen to herself. I just help her along."
Phil nodded. "I know she trusts you Mel. That's good."
"Hey. She trusts you too Phil. It's just – she needs time. Hey I mentioned you might teach her how to cook. While we're at my place you could maybe offer. She's not going to come to you yet."
"Okay. I guess maybe Tuesday night I could do that. Something simple. Meatloaf maybe. Or chicken parm."
"Whatever you decide. Write me a list for the week and I can go shopping tomorrow. I'm still off yet from work."
"Okay. Hey, how long are your parents staying? Did they say?"
"They aren't sure yet. Dad actually said something about sub leasing my place and moving our here for a while. Said they already missed too much of Daisy's life. Said it was their job to spoil her."
"Well that would solve your issue with getting out of your apartment lease or subletting to someone you don't know."
"It would. It would be ideal actually. They are going to let me know tomorrow. If they decide to do it, they want to go home for a couple weeks and get things there in order, and then fly out here to make sure they are here for the holidays. Anyway, I need to get a few things at the grocer and so just give me a list and I'll add it to my list."
"So you're back to work on Tuesday then."
"I am. But I am definitely going to work normal hours. Start at eight and done by four. I can drop Daisy at school and then you bring her back here after school, we eat dinner together and we can both help her get caught up on her schoolwork. Maybe watch a movie a night or two this week."
"Works for me. Oh except Wednesday and Friday. I have basketball practice till six. Next week it is three nights – Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and after that real tryouts start and then games and more practices. Most practices are after school. Games for the JV are at four or five."
"I can pick her up those days this week and next week. Not a problem. We'll figure something out for later. I mean they do have school buses. Also we are going to be living only a couple miles from the high school."
"Yeah. We'll work it out. We always were able to do that. Before."
Melinda was ready to respond when Daisy walked into the room carrying her backpack and pulling one of Melinda's suitcases behind her. "Before what?" She said.
"Before it gets too late and you get to bed too late to wake up for Tai Chi." Melinda responded. "You about ready to head out?"
Daisy nodded as Bobbi came into the room carrying a box that held the photo albums and Daisy's new computer. "I guess I'll just put this in your car Melinda. Is it open?"
"Nope. But I'm ready and we can put this all in now. Did you get everything Daisy?"
"I think so."
"Well if I find anything, I'll drop it off," Bobbi said as she headed out the front door.
"Oh. My food. The leftover dumplings and buns." Daisy nearly shouted.
"I'll get it." Phil responded. He moved toward the kitchen.
They loaded everything in Melinda's new vehicle and then they stood outside the car.
"See you later." Bobbi said as she turned to walk back into the house.
Daisy surprised here by running after her and wrapping her arms around her. "Thank you. For everything."
"You're welcome kiddo. Don't be a stranger. You're welcome here anytime. Okay?"
Daisy nodded. "You are pretty cool."
Bobbi grinned. "Take care of yourself and them okay?"
Daisy nodded. "Okay."
Bobbie walked up the steps and turned around to wave before going in the house. Phil took a step away from the car.
"Okay Mel. See you tomorrow night. I'll text you a grocery list later."
"Sounds good. Come on Daisy. Get in."
Then Daisy surprised herself by stepping up to Phil and hugging him. It was a brief hug. "See you tomorrow. I'll stop by your classroom in the morning."
Phil nodded at a loss for words, as he watched her get in the SUV and then looked over at Melinda who gave him a huge smile.
"Good night Phil."
Daisy entered Melinda's apartment while Melinda wheeled the cart in the door. They both emptied it and then Melinda wheeled it back down to the elevators. Her apartment was on the fourth floor and she had parked her car in the parking lot of the apartment having paid for a spot for a month. Daisy looked around at the sparse apartment and checked out the couch. She tugged on it a little and was glad to find it was a sleeper sofa.
Melinda walked in and saw Daisy by the sofa. "Yeah it's a sleeper sofa. But it's rather uncomfortable I'm afraid. I have a pullout trundle on my bed. It's only a single but it's probably more comfortable."
Daisy looked over at her. "In your room?"
"Oh but you can stay wherever you want. Here on the sofa is fine. You might find just the sofa is more comfortable then the mattress on that pullout though. Or I could sleep out here. You can take the bedroom. That's what we'll do. You put your stuff in there. I'll just have to get my clothes out every night and you'll be safe. In there. You take the bed."
"I'm okay with the trundle bed Melinda. I know you won't hurt me. It's just – I – sometimes I – I get – um I have nightmares. Sometimes."
"Oh." Melinda paused. "Me too."
"Great. So if I have a nightmare you can wake me. And if you have one, I'll wake you. Deal?"
"Deal. Come on. Let's put our stuff in the bedroom."
Daisy was curled up on the trundle mattress trying to fall asleep. They'd gone to bed a little before ten, with Melinda setting her alarm for five-twenty. Daisy was trying to lay still so she wouldn't make noise and wake up Melinda. She was tired but also wired. She figured it was from the busy weekend and of course her earlier panic attack didn't help, as well as her trepidation of being yet in another bed in another place.
This place was safe though and even though it was unfamiliar, she knew that Melinda would not hurt her. She wasn't afraid of being here because of Melinda but rather because of her own issues. She'd told Melinda about the nightmares but didn't mention how during them she would yell out and at times become combatant. She also on occasion would end up in a panic attack after a severely bad nightmare, and that those were sometimes the worst attacks. She turned back to her other side facing Melinda as quietly as she could. She nearly screamed at the lowered head of Melinda staring at her as she completed the movement.
"Well hell. Give me a heart attack why don't you. I thought you were asleep."
"Someone keeps tossing and turning."
"Sorry. Look why don't I just go out to the sofa. At least one of us should get some sleep." She made a move to get up and Melinda shook her head and pushed her back down on the bed.
"Just try to stay calm. Look I get it. In fact, I've been there. But listen okay? Just take a couple deep breaths. Calm your mind and think only about breathing correctly."
Daisy scoffed at her but then closed her eyes and did what Melinda said.
"Think about how I taught you to breathe during Tai Chi. Now in your mind focus on the movements we do step by step. Picture a nice quiet place in your mind."
Daisy remained quiet and followed Melinda's suggestions. She picked the picture of her with Phil and Melinda on the beach and focused on that as well as going through her Tai Chi routine. The last thing she remembered was imagining a scene of her holding their hands as she jumped the small waves coming into the beach.
