I leave the inn in the early hours of the morning. I do not want to waste any more time than necessary. I estimate it is a 2-3 hour journey riding Vida. And I must time this precisely to succeed. In the end, I opt for men's clothing. I'd rather not be recognized as a woman on sight. I won't go too close to the quarry, but I worry there are far too many lonely or desperate workers there.
I stop at two of their neighbour's homes, and find that both farmer's wives are willing to point me in the correct direction after I apologize for my dress, saying it is a matter of personal safety. I doubt Cosima will mind, I think she may even like it. I cannot anticipate an amorous welcome, but I know she will be glad to see me. How could she not after everything?
This farm is smaller, and the fences are newer. I can tell that much of this is Charlie's work. Repairing this small old farm. The house is made of clapboards, painted white. And the two barns are smaller than the barns at their old farm. Yet, I see Henrietta in the pasture with several other horses. And she is familiar.
I do not see Cosima, or Charlie. I quietly open the barn door. I untack Vida and leave her inside, in one of the stalls. I hope that Charlie does not check in here. Vida would stand out with her colouring. Joseph's planning to have my horse be distinct may spite me now. She is bound to stand out against the chestnut or bay horses Charlie's chosen. But in the barn, perhaps she is hidden enough for me to accomplish my grizzly task. If only temporarily.
I sneak quickly over to the house, and listen at the door. But I don't hear Charlie. I hear Cosima. Singing. I stop and listen, wanting to hear. Her voice is sweeter than I expected. I'd never heard her sing before, I think. And I find I want to hear her finish. The melody is sweet, but the words are unfamiliar to me.
"I gave my love a cherry
That had no stone
I gave my love a chicken
That had no bone
I told my love a story
That had no end
I gave my love a baby
With no crying.
How can there be a cherry
That has no stone?
And how can there be a chicken
That has no bone?
And how can there be a story
That has no end?
And how can there be a baby
With no crying?
A cherry when it's blooming
It has no stone
A chicken when in the shell
It has no bone
The story of how I love you
It has no end
A baby when it's sleeping
It's no crying."
I open without knocking, the door opens easily revealing a small room. A living room, a kitchen dominating the back half of the house and a stairway leading upstairs. And there is Cosima sitting on a chair, a breast out as she feeds Rose. Rose who looks to be nearly asleep.
"Delphine!" Cosima stops singing. She looks up at me. "You… you came!" There's shock on her face, and fear. But beyond that, I see she is thrilled to see me. She takes in my clothes and smiles, and laughs. A true smile gracing her beautiful face.
"I will never leave you, ma colombe." I tell her softly, I sink to my knees next to her. And look up at her face. She seems healthy enough, and Rose… I gaze at the baby, whose limbs have acquired rolls in my absence. No longer a newborn, but still a young infant. The picture of health, even as she dozes, still suckling intermittently at Cosima's breast.
"She is beautiful, Cosima." I tell her. But I don't dare touch the baby. I do not wish to wake her. I see now, I have gotten my wish. Rose does resemble Cosima. At least to my eyes. And I smile widely at this.
"Charlie is…outside. He's checking the flock and then his traps." Cosima tells me urgently. "You must be careful."
"I will be. I will take care of it." I tell her, trying to sound confident. And certain. I can kill Charlie. I have to.
"How?" Cosima asks me, searching my face until she finds the answer I am not speaking. I see her nod, understanding what I am there to do.
"Do not ask me how, until it is finished." I tell her simply. "Where is he?" I have ideas, certainly. But most would work better with some surprise. And something sharp and heavy in my hand.
"He should be near the back end of the property. He has his gun with him."
"Do not worry about that." I assure her. He will not see me coming, I think. I will be brief.
"There's a shovel outside the shed." Cosima looks off into the distance. Towards the door.
"I will return." I tell her, trying to sound as confident as possible. But one of two things is likely to happen. I will kill Charlie, or he will stop me. And perhaps… perhaps he will kill me.
Cosima stops me, grabbing me with her free hand.
"What? What is it?" I wonder if I have gotten it wrong. If Cosima merely wants me to steal her and Rose away… if I should ask instead for her to pack her bags. But traveling with such a young baby, I think, is truly more than we can handle. Especially if Charlie were in hot pursuit of us.
Cosima pulls me in and kisses me, full and soft on the mouth. "I love you." She tells me instead, cupping my face in her hand. "Be… be careful."
"I will be." I stand, and find there's no reason to delay. I could be discovered here with Cosima instead if I am not careful. And dressed like a man, perhaps Charlie would shoot first and ask questions later. I walk towards the door, but I make myself look back. I look at Cosima and her child. And I think, I can do this. I can do anything.
I leave the house, leaving only my bag only trace that I am here at all. I go straight to the shed and pick up the shovel. It's heavy in my hands, and it's new. It will be sharp enough I think. If I am quick about it. My hair comes undone as I rush to the far pasture, but I let it. I walk towards the far fields. I hear whistling and I know the sound of Charlie's breathing in exertion whether I like it or not. He crouches by the far pen, repairing a fence. I am quiet, slow. The sun is behind me, and he doesn't see me.
I raise the shovel once I get close. I will have only once chance. One chance to knock him onto the ground. One chance to kill him. He turns to look at the sound but it is too late. I swing the shovel, it makes contact with Charlie's head from behind. I cry out in effort, and he screams. But I give a second great whack once he falls to the ground, never minding his screaming. It is the only way, I tell myself. The only way to free Cosima. I must ensure he is dead. I take the shovel to his throat and force the blade through his flesh. I look away. I am used to seeing blood. But not like this. Not from the neck and head of a grown man. The blood spurts out of him splattering against my trousers and the ground.
Then he is still, blood coating the shovel, from the gash in his neck, from his head. It seems sufficient, but I watch him until I am certain he is dead. I jab the shovel at him again, but he must be dead. I think. No one can lose that much blood and live. I watch his chest, it's no longer moving. The shovel drops from my hands. It's coated in blood. And so am I. I am filthier than I ever was attending a birth. I drop down not far from the body and heave. I vomit onto the grass. I steady myself with bracing breaths.
He is dead. I tell myself. It is done. Now I must finish things. I must ensure our deception is complete. I leave him in the field and go to the house. I take off my boots at the door.
Cosima is standing in the kitchen, washing the sheets. The cradle a bare two metres from her. Inside Rose sleeps unaware of the huge change I just forced on her life.
"It's done?"
"He's dead."
She begins to cry, tears welling up and released. I want to get closer, but I don't dare. I still must bury him, and perhaps my stained clothing with him.
"Are you…?" I reach my arms towards her.
"It's finally over." Cosima gets out between her tears. And I see then that these tears are relief.
"Not completely, mon amour. I must bury him."
Cosima nods between her tears and I go to finish things. I pick up my shovel and opt to dig Charlie's grave in the clearing near the far pasture. Part of me considers feeding his body to the pigs but I decide against it. He should be buried. That much I am certain. Dead, he is less intimidating. I use the same shovel to dig him a grave. The blood stains the dirt, and due to the time of year the grave is shallower than I'd like. Animals may interfere with the remains. I am not sure I care.
I dig for hours. The sun rises high in the sky and begins to lower again before I'm done. It's shallower than it should be, but an animal desecrating the body might be best. Might hide what I've done better.
When I have decided the grave is deep enough. And exhaustion sinks in, I am done. I roll the body to the grave, I had forgotten how heavy Charlie was. I'm grateful he is not any taller. When I am finished I am coated in even more blood and dirt. I consider throwing my clothes into the grave with him, but think better of it. It's not warm yet and dirty or not, I am warmer dressed.
I bury him then. I cover his body with earth. He should have a coffin, but so far from town - I justify it. No townspeople could expect Cosima and I to lift him into a cart just to bring him two hours to an undertaker.
Charlie had wanted to be a pioneer, and his burial is suitable to that. I walk away from the grave, I return the shovel to the shed and see Vida in the field with the other horses. I bring them into the barn one by one.
When I return to the house, I smell boiled cabbage and potatoes.
"I thought you'd come in for lunch."
"What… what time is it?" I should know this, should be able to guess. But the only clock I can see tells me it is well after noon.
"Is it…done?" Her eyes search my face, and I know that she will be relieved that I have managed alone. I wouldn't want to have to ask her to help me. I should take care of my sin alone, and leave her far out of it.
"I buried him, not far from where he died." It's enough of an explanation, for now. I didn't even mark the grave. I should have marked it.
"Are you hungry?"
"Yes." I nod, but I must clean up first. There's no sense remaining this… stained.
"You need to bathe." Cosima is clear on that much. "Those clothes are ruined."
I glance around to find the baby sleeping nearby in the cradle. Then I watch her, feeling out of place. Even more so than I ever did back home. She proceeds to set up the washing tub. Rose cries and I want to reach for her, but I don't dare touch her now. But I cannot.
"Get in." Cosima urges me as she picks up the baby, she bounces her lightly. But at this age, I suspect what the child needs is changing, and then feeding. She deals with Rose, and I must deal with my own mess.
The practicalities must be dealt with. I tell myself this calmly. Whatever else has happened, the practicalities come first. I strip off my clothes but before I can step into the wash tub Cosima takes the clothes outside.
The blood and dirt scrub off with soap and discolour the water. I bathe until I am sure that I am clean. Rose is placed into the crade again, crying, as Cosima runs into one of the bedrooms. She returns with a clean nightgown, and a shawl - for me.
I towel off and dress, feeling like this is wrong. She shouldn't have to help me.
"We should eat." Cosima looks to the stove, and I handle dishing out of supper. It isn't much, but it is about what I expected Charlie and Cosima being newly established here. There wouldn't be much in the way of stores.
"Yes." I begin eating, thinking it has been hours since I last ate. And I find that my appetite returns as I am eating.
The baby continues to cry and Cosima reacts, scooping a surprisingly alert and fussing Rose into her arms. "She's always fussy at supper time. She'll feed for two hours if I let her."
"Let her." I shrug. Babies often fuss at witching hour and feed frequently. Cosima juggles both her child and her fork, eating as best she can with Rose latched to her breast. She stops feeling but when I expect Cosima to hand me the baby, she doesn't.
"I may have to." Cosima juggles her child, and I get her a second helping of supper. She needs it more than I do. Rose needs it most of all.
"Are you… alright?" I ask as I begin cleaning up. I hadn't asked, I know that. I had decided the way forward was to kill Charlie. I had chosen to end his life. And now… I will deal with whatever the consequences are.
Cosima hesitates before answering me. "Yes. I… I don't… quite believe it. Part of me… I'm still afraid he's going to come bashing down the door."
"He cannot. And he won't." I repeat. "He is buried out past the back pasture. He can never hurt you again."
"He will never hurt either of us again." And she looks at me, and I wonder if she suspects the whole truth. Or if she's decided it is luck. That it doesn't have to matter.
We go to bed early, the sun just barely beginning to set. And I see then how tired she is. I carry Rose's cradle upstairs
I watch her move the cradle as close to the bed as it will go. She feeds Rose again, until she calms. And then rocks her in the cradle.
Once Rose is asleep she crawls into bed with me. I note the look on her face. She keeps looking between Rose and I. I don't dare hold her. I lay still, wrestling with what I have done. It was necessary, surely. But horrible too.
"Delphine?" Cosima asks me, and I know she wants something.
"It is perfectly good if she sleeps with us." I tell Cosima who lays next to me, but looks longingly towards her infant. She must want Rose close, cuddled up against her breast.
"You don't mind?"
"Non. I did the same with my babies." I yawn. My exhaustion takes over and I begin to drift. When I wake again, it is to Cosima tending Rose and singing.
"Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,
All through the night
Angels watching, e'er around thee,
All through the night
Midnight slumber close surround thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and dale in slumber sleeping
I my loved ones' watch am keeping,
All through the night
While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O'er thy spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night
Angels watching ever round thee
All through the night
In thy slumbers close surround thee
All through the night
They will of all fears disarm thee,
No forebodings should alarm thee,
They will let no peril harm thee
All through the night."
The morning brings more decisions. And while I resume the same role of caregiver, of taking care of Cosima as before. There are questions to be answered.
"What… what do we do now?"
"We tell everyone he was ill." I assure Cosima, taking charge of the situation. "He… sickened. Diphtheria? Measles? Something that could kill him." I think of a barrel of illnesses that could kill a man. It could have been anything. Cosima is too far from town, couldn't get him to a doctor and care for the baby. No one could fault her that she was stuck out here waiting for someone to help her.
"I survived both in childhood." Cosima nods. "But for a grown man to die…that is unusual, Delphine. People may ask questions."
"We sell it. We tell them I came to help you when you said Charlie was ill. And we tell them, he died the day I arrived."
"How will we… Rose." Cosima worries her lip. And the infant is healthy from what I can see.
"We say Rose never sickened, that you kept her well away from her father." I wonder how well this will be believed. "There's not much out here… we will tell them we buried Charlie ourselves. And there was not much else to be done."
"Alright." Cosima nods. "We tell them it was… measles."
"Or… he contracted meningitis." I finally decide. It's not common, but I know the symptoms well enough.
"Meningitis?"
"We can use anything that presents with a fever."
"Right." Cosima nods.
The day goes on, and finally, Cosima puts Rose into my arms, I hold her close and smell her sweetness. Feel her breath. And I look at her. Maybe her life will be better this way. Maybe she will not need to forgive me.
I realize when Cosima kisses me, when she admires Rose and I together - that from my love, there is nothing to forgive.
