It felt like hours since she'd gone upstairs, but part of her was stubborn enough to stay up here forever. Hell, let her die here she thought. It would be easier than facing him. Everything he had said had stirred something in her, all those feelings and wants she'd tried to keep hidden for twelve years. She hated what they'd done. Hated that despite what he said about his failing marriage without her, that she felt like the other woman. But she couldn't help it. God she couldn't help how much she loved him, how much she desired him. Even after all this time, she wanted him, maybe even more.

He was right. When they'd kissed earlier that day it hadn't been Eddie and Persephone. It had been Elliot and Olivia…she'd given in. Let desire and want win over common sense and for a moment it felt so good. But then she remembered where they were, the seriousness of this situation and the fact that whenever this ended…the real world would be waiting. Would he stay here? Would she? Her home was in New York and if she was honest with herself, she wanted him to want to come home. She just didn't trust that he would.

Trust.

Her biggest downfall in life. She never trusted anyone. But she'd trusted him. At one point in time she had trusted him above all others and he'd abandoned her. And that, what was the biggest problem here. Her body ached from crying and sitting up in the bed. She'd been too numb to move. Every possible scenario played through her mind and she wanted desperately to make her brain stop, turn it off somehow. But she knew that wasn't going to happen. Not unless she got some sleep.

Sighing, she turned to her bag wanting to look for something to wear. Maybe she could go downstairs, brush her teeth, wash her face and crawl into bed and sleep until Dana said it was safe to come out of hiding. She knew that wasn't likely going to be the case but a girl could dream couldn't she? As she rifled through her bag, it suddenly occurred to her that something was missing. Nausea filled her stomach again but it had nothing to do with the drugs and everything to do with the loss of one particular shirt.

His shirt.

Was it still at his apartment? Or had she thrown it into her laundry without thinking? And if that were the case…was it left behind. Or…did he have it now? She felt dizzy as she threw on some other clothes, took her toiletry bag and crept down the stairs. It was in the middle of the night now and she was hoping he was asleep. Walking into the bathroom, she saw that he had been right. There was now show, only one large bath tub. She'd have to take advantage of that later but despite her panicked feeling, she laughed slightly trying to imagine her big strong former partner climbing into a bathtub. But the laugh soon died on her lips when she imagined him in said bathtub with her own body pressed up against his.

"Fucking hell Benson…" She grumbled around her toothbrush, "Get your shit together."

She thought she heard a noise from inside the cabin but after deciding it was just the wind, she finished what she was doing and decided to go back upstairs. Only, when she walked out she saw that Elliot's bedroom was slightly ajar. It looked as if he was sleeping on his back, the room was dark and quiet. She hoped for his sake he could actually get some rest tonight, uninterrupted rest that was. But she had a funny feeling that what he'd seen at the bar had only sparked more nightmares for him. The thought alone made her feel a plethora of guilt.

Before she could stop herself, she realized she was standing in the doorway. The moon crept in through the window casting a slight glow against his skin. Even though it was cold out, he still slept shirtless and the sight alone made her want to crawl into bed with him and confess every thought she'd had about him in the last decade. Slowly, she walked into the tiny bedroom and saw his bag on the floor and she wondered…was the t-shirt in there? Maybe Dana had tossed it in his bag assuming it was his. Seeing as it had his name on it, it would be a fair conclusion. Little did she know that Olivia had been the one wearing it more nights than she'd care to admit in the last two years.

Quietly, she bent over his bag, holding her breath she tried to squint in the darkness to see if she could find it. As she moved aside items carefully, she didn't notice that the person on the bed had his eyes wide open since he had never been asleep. But she froze when she heard him, "Snooping through my stuff Benson?"

She jumped, "Jesus Christ!" Pressing a hand to her chest she took a few deep breaths, "You scared the shit out of me."

Sitting up in bed, the rain still pounded down on the window outside, "Says they woman who infiltrated my room in the middle of the night…how do you know you didn't scare me?"

The room was so small she was backed up against the wall, her fingers pressed into the surface behind her, "I thought you were asleep…"

He huffed, "Like I could actually sleep…" He stared right at her, hands draped over his knees, "Not without a thousand more nightmares…"

Her heart dropped to her stomach and she took a step forward, the floorboards creaking below her, "You should try. If you don't sleep you'll just go crazy."

As she went to move out of the room, adrenaline took hold of him and he reached out, grasping her hand again. He heard her gasp and before she could pull away, he tugged her towards the bed, trapping her below him. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at him and he straddled her, "Maybe I already have…maybe I'm over the edge." Leaning in, he whispered in a husky voice, "Maybe I've gone completely crazy and this is some dream of mine…being trapped here with you when you won't let me touch you."

Her body flushed with desire as he held himself over her, the muscles in his arms bulging, his thighs pressed up against hers, "You are touching me…"

She watched as his eyes grew darker, he bit his lip and let his eyes trail over her body, "But not the way I want to be…"

She shifted slightly and his hold on her lessened slightly, "Would you mind letting go?"

"Not until you tell me what you were looking for." He challenged.

Embarrassment flooded her body and she wiggled slightly, catching him off guard. He was thrown off balance and she easily flipped them, taking the position he had over her only moments before. He was breathing heavy as he looked up at her, surprised by her strength. "Go to sleep Stabler…"

She swung her leg up and over him and went to leave the room before he asked, "Were you looking for a shirt that has that very name on it?" He knew he had her when she stumbled, bumping into the doorframe, "One I gave you two years ago…when we-"

She turned on shaky legs and whispered, "No."

But he knew she was lying. Letting out a heavy sigh, he swung his legs up and over the bed, found the shirt in question and walked it over to her. Reaching out, he held it between them. Even in the darkness, she knew it was the one she was looking for. He placed it in her hands and she couldn't seem to look at him. Stepping back he sat down on the edge of his bed, "Seems we both discovered something's the last few days…" Her head snapped up to look at him, her eyes told him she didn't understand, "You open the letter?"

Her knees shook so hard she had to lean back against the doorframe to keep from falling over, "No."

Smiling he whispered, "You lied about the shirt, you lying about the letter?" She couldn't speak, only shook her head and somehow he knew that this time she was telling the truth, "Well…maybe you should."

She gasped slightly, surprised by his words, "What?"

Laying back on the bed, he threw his arm across his forehead, "I said maybe you should. You won't listen to me…but maybe you'll listen to my words on paper."

Curiosity won the better of her and she asked, "Why didn't you send it?"

He was quiet for a moment, staring up at the ceiling before he turned to look at her, "Because I knew I hurt you. And I knew that there was a chance you'd shut me out…just like you are doing right now. Even if I deserve it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. So I decided it was safer to just stay away…and yet the Universe brought you right back to me." He saw her cling to the wall behind her and he knew he was getting through, at least maybe partially, "I don't believe in coincidences Liv. You were brought here because you and I have unfinished business…I know what I want. But now you need to decide what you want. So…" He slowly adjusted his position on the bed, "Why don't you start by reading the letter and then let me know what you are feeling. Can you do that? Or…at least try?"

"What if it only pushes me away more?" She asked softly. "What if it makes me more upset, angry, what if it makes me hate you?"

"Well…" He shrugged sadly, "Guess we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it."

Shifting her weight side to side she spoke the next words so quietly she wasn't sure he had heard her at first, "You really want me to read it?"

"I want you to read it." He answered, "I want you to read it…and then we can talk about it. Okay? Whenever you're ready…doesn't have to be tonight."

Taking a step back, her eyes never left him, "You really should get some sleep…"

She watched as he ran a hand over his face and she knew he had to be exhausted, "Do me one other favor?" She just stared at him, waiting for him to respond, "If I have a nightmare…" He saw her hold her breath, "Don't come down…"

Worry crossed her face and she stepped forward, wanting desperately to comfort him despite how overwhelmed she felt, "E-"

But once again his name got caught in her throat and he smiled sadly, "Don't come down Liv. Not tonight…please not tonight."

Knowing when he'd had enough, she chose to give him the space he'd granted her. Maybe they both needed it. Without saying another word, she turned with his shirt clutched in her hands and climbed the steps to her own room. She didn't hesitate as she yanked off the shirt she was wearing. His t-shirt still felt slightly damp but damn it all to hell she needed it. In the last two years it had grounded her in a way she couldn't quite explain or understand and right now she needed that more than anything. Climbing into the bed, she wrapped herself up in the comforter, slid her hand under the pillow and found the letter once more.

He wanted her to read it. But was she ready? With a heavy sigh, she let her fingers curl around the edge and tried to let sleep overtake her. She had a funny feeling she'd be wide awake soon to his screams…but he didn't want her to come to him either.

The last thought she had before drifting off to sleep was, what a fucking mess.


She needed sleep, but it wasn't happening anytime soon. She'd been sitting upstairs on the bed staring at that damn envelope for the last two hours. It was quiet, eerily quiet but she was so lost in thought she barely noticed. But the moment she heard him scream, she jumped, tripped in the small dark space and almost tumbled down the stairs.

"Get the fuck off of her!" His voice boomed through the cabin, "Get off her! I will kill you, you son of a bitch! I will kill you!"

Her hand gripped the metal banister and she grimaced remembering what he had asked of her. But every nerve in her body was on edge and instinct made her want to go to him. She tiptoed down the steps, hearing him thrashing about on his bed. She was holding her breath, the wind whipped outside and his screams once again echoed throughout the dark night.

"Olivia! Run! Run! Let her go!" His voice sounded desperate, strained, hoarse.

Standing feet from his bedroom, she peered in through the darkness. The sheet was wrapped around him and she imagined he was sweating and quite frankly it sounded like he was crying. God she hated this. She hated seeing him this way. Her mind told her to wake him up, but he had asked so little of her lately and she didn't want to upset him more. Her whole body was shaking as she stood there, trying to fight the urge to run to him. Another loud scream rang through the night and she took one step forward at the same time that he tipped over the edge, tumbling to the hard ground below.

She grimaced and heard his knees hit first, he groaned and rolled over, breathing heavy, "Fuck…"

It sounded like he was dry heaving and tears poured down her cheeks. She'd had her fair share of nightmares and she couldn't deny that he'd been the star of many of them. But she was worried, seriously worried. If this really had been going on for two years, it was going to take its toll on him. And now, he had more of a visual to torment him. She stood frozen, still wanting to go to him but she couldn't move. That was until she heard him moving and knew he was coming out of his room, no doubt in need of water or the bathroom.

There was no way to get away without him seeing her, so she stood there, fear ripping through her. His steps were heavy, his body tense as he walked but he froze when he saw her. Pressing a hand to her belly, she just stared at him, afraid to even speak. He blinked but she knew he wasn't surprised to see her. She watched as he took a deep breath before he began to move again. His foot dragged against the floor as he walked right past her towards the bathroom. Not moving from her spot, she heard him running the water and she waited, she couldn't run even if that's what he wanted her to do.

He was in there longer than necessary and she knew he was probably waiting her out. But as the door creaked open, she made a choice. She wasn't walking away from him even if he pushed her. If he was going to try, she had to try too. In some capacity at least. He huffed when he saw her still standing there and moved to walk right past her again towards his room. But as he passed, she reached out and this time she was the one to grasp his wrist. She heard him inhale sharply, and her fingers gently slid across his pulse point. "I told you not to come down."

His voice was still rough and she knew he felt embarrassed but he had no reason to be. "I never followed directions well…did you forget?"

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he looked up at her and whispered, "I haven't forgotten a thing about you Liv…not one thing."

They stood there in the dark room as the rain and wind began to lash against the windows outside. Slowly, she turned her body towards him, "Neither of us are going to get any sleep…not any decent sleep anyway."

She was close, very close and he wanted so desperately to pull her close. He wanted to kiss her. Wanted to get lost in her because she was the only thing that he was sure of even if she wasn't sure about him. Staring down at her, he felt exhausted, overwhelmed and frustrated not just with her but with himself. It took the both of them to end up here, he couldn't blame it all on her. And yet…when he was like this, anger usually one and what he said was wrong and he knew it but he couldn't stop himself, "Well you said I can't touch you…so how else are you going to help me Benson?"

Her cheeks flushed and he could see it, even in the darkness, "We spent 12 years comforting each other without sex…I'm sure we can do it again."

Stepping even closer, she had to tilt her head up to look at him, "Why do you care?"

She tried to breathe slowly, keep her cool, he needed support and if they were going to be stuck here she was going to have to figure out how to handle it. Licking her lips slightly, she knew he was surprised that she hadn't stepped back. "Because before all this bullshit…we were friends."

Raising an eyebrow he pushed back, "You told me you weren't sure we ever were…"

"Yeah well…" Her chest pressed out and she crossed her arms in front of herself, "We all say mean things when we're hurting…" He just stared at her, still unsure of what to do or say, "But you and I…we were always friends. Best friends. And right now…it looks like you could use a friend."

He didn't move, barely even blinked and then asked, "You read the letter?" It took a moment, but she shook her head slowly and he sighed, "Goodnight Liv-"

He turned to walk away but she grabbed his hand again, "Wait."

Sighing, he turned back to her, "What's the point of this Liv?"

"I'm scared." She whispered, and he turned towards her, worry etched on his face and she quickly adjusted her words, "Not of being here…I just mean I'm scared of the way you make me feel. I won't lie about that."

His heart thumped in his chest and he knew she was opening up, at least slightly, "Liv…"

"And I think…" Stepping closer, she felt his pulse quicken, "I think the only way to figure this out…is to start again. Back at the beginning." He looked confused and she whispered, "I need to find my friend again…before I can even think about…what else I may feel or want…"

"So you want to be friends?" He asked softly, "That's what you're saying?"

"For now." She whispered back, "We have to start somewhere…and your friendship was always something I believed in. So maybe…if it's still there…we can figure out what happens after."

He didn't know if she was just feeling pity, or if she really meant what she was saying but he had to admit he needed her. In whatever capacity she was willing to give. "Well what did you have in mind…"

It was then she realized their options were quite limited and she had no plan. Glancing over to the left, she looked around the cabin trying to find anything to do at this hour of the night. And quite frankly there was only one option. He followed her gaze and she whispered, "Hey my friend Elliot," Turning back to him she asked, "Want to watch a movie?"

His shoulders relaxed slightly and at the moment, that sounded like heaven. Something normal, something he could do beside her, to just be with her. And maybe she was right. Maybe they needed to find their friendship again before they could even think about anything more. Looking at her, she seemed more calm, more herself and he took that as a good sign. Maybe this was the key to fixing this terrible mess…

He moved first and he saw the surprise on her face. She expected him to retreat but the idea of crawling back into that bed and facing his nightmares made him nauseous. His knees cracked as he sat down slowly on the love seat. "What do we have?"

Smiling nervously, walked towards the TV, feeling incredibly grateful that he was at least giving her this chance. Despite how she'd acted earlier, they were stuck here. She was still so confused, so overwhelmed but she didn't want him to struggle anymore. Maybe this would help him relax. Bending down, she took out the box of DVD's that Dana had packed for them, "Not sure…Starr picked everything."

He huffed and rested his arms against the back of the seat, they took over the majority of the space. When she came to sit down she'd technically be tucked up under his arm. She may not want that, but her only other choice was an uncomfortable looking chair in the corner, or the floor…he knew she was stubborn enough to try that. "So what does Agent Lewis like when it comes to movies?"

Her cheeks flushed as she looked through the box and she cursed under her breath. Even in this serious scenario, Dana still had her hand in this mess. All romantic comedies. Go figure. When Harry Met Sally. My Best Friend's Wedding. Runaway Bride. Sleepless in Seattle. Notting Hill. The list went on and on.

Maybe this was the worst idea ever. "Um…"

"Um…?" He chuckled, "Let me guess…all chick flicks?" She turned to look at him and that look told him to tread carefully, "Sorry…chick flicks was a bad choice of words. What do they call them…romcoms?"

She laughed and nodded, "Uh huh…" She nudged the box, "Maybe there's something on TV instead? I know we don't get a lot of channels but-"

"It's fine. Throw anything on." He said with a sigh, and she could tell he was still tense and just wanted a distraction, "It'll be fine."

Glancing down at the movies in front of her, she didn't quite know where to start. But just deciding to grab anything, she picked up the one on top and popped it in.

Runaway Bride.

Elliot watched as she got everything ready, waiting for the moment she realized she had to sit right beside him. She turned, and instantly her body froze. But she hesitated only for a moment before moving towards him and sitting down in the space beside him. There was an inch or two between their bodies, but his arm was still behind her and unless she planned on sitting up straight like a statue the whole night, she was going to have to touch him. As the credits began to play, she settled in beside him and they both relaxed.

"What's this one?" He asked, leaning his head back, "Doesn't look familiar."

Pulling her legs up on the cushions, she wrapped her arms around her legs, "Runaway Bride. Julie Roberts and Richard Gere…not sure of the other people."

"You seen it before?" He asked looking at her.

"Yeah…but it's been awhile." She shrugged, "I know the basic synopsis. Julie Robert's character has been engaged a bunch of times but never quite makes it down the aisle. Richard Gere writes an article about her and then comes to meet her. She's engaged again and people are always teasing her about it…and…"

"And…" He whispered, "She leaves the poor schmuck of a fiance for Richard Gere?" She laughed and he nodded, "Predictable."

"A bit." She said with a smile, "But…it has it's moments. It's…cute. Actually…" Her cheeks flushed and she quickly shook her head, "Never mind."

Glancing over at her he frowned, "What?" She shook her head again, "No seriously, what?"

She looked back at him and shrugged, "Uh…her fiance…the current one. He kinda always reminded me of you for some reason."

"Me?" He asked, pressing a hand to his chest, "Really? Huh, point him out when he first comes out. And if he's not handsome I'm gonna take it personally."

She laughed and smacked him slightly, "To be fair it was the more clean shaven version onf you he reminded me of…not the current Eddie Ashes look."

"Not a fan?" He asked, lifting his hand, he ran his fingers over his beard, "I've kinda grown accustomed to it now."

Looking right at him she whispered, "I didn't say that…"

"Well my friend Olivia…" He shifted closer to her and he smiled, "You let me know if I should get rid of it…"

She blushed slightly, felt the warmth of his body pressed against hers and she whispered, "Just watch the movie Stabler…"

He smiled, his heart thudding, feeling so grateful despite how insane this situation was just to be with her, "As you wish…"

Cocking her head to the side she asked, "The Princess Bride?"

He shrugged, his fingers moving across her shoulder and she shivered slightly, "That one I know. It's a classic…"

"Good to know." She whispered as she turned back to the TV, "That's one in the box too…"

"Well, we've got a lot of time on our hands." He said softly, excited about the prospect of this becoming a part of their routine, it could be much worse, "Nothing but time…"

She sunk even further into the loveseat and sighed, at least for the moment feeling safe, settled and hopeful for whatever came next.


Halfway through the movie Elliot smirked, "This Bob guy…he's fit." He shrugged and looked over at her, a devilish look on his face, "You think I look like him?"

She groaned loudly and reached for the pillow beside her, pressing her forehead into the fabric, "Please shut up about it…I said he reminded me of you. Jesus. Let it go."

"Yeah…but I can admit that he's a good looking fella." He puffed out his chest as he spoke, "Which means you think I'm not disgusting to look at…"

She started to laugh harder, "Oh God…this is my own personal hell."

"I'm just saying." He pointed at the screen, "All the girls in the film think he's cute too. So…are you saying I'm attractive?"

She grimaced and got up, walking towards the kitchen, "Remember how I said I wanted to be friends again? I take it back…"

"It's too late now." He paused the movie and looked back at her as she searched for a snack, "Just say it…you think I'm good looking. Say it and I'll drop it."

"And inflate your already mega sized ego? Please…no thank you." She popped a cracker in her mouth, "Just play the movie." He didn't move, barely even blinked and she threw her head back, "You're not going to let this go are you?"

He smiled and shook his head, "Nope. Absolutely not letting it go." She just stared right back at him, "Although technically I already know the answer…" She gave him a strange look and he smiled, "Got you all hot and bothered when I was working on my bike."

Reaching for a wooden spoon on the counter, she tossed it at him, "You son of a bitch!"

He howled with laughter and ducked his head as it whirled by his head, "Fine, you want me to say it first?"

Pinching the bridge of her nose she asked, "What?"

"Technically…you caught me first." He bit his lip, "But if you need to hear me say it…" His voice dropped an octave and she gripped the counter behind her, "I'm incredibly attracted to you Olivia. I always have been. You are the most beautiful, sexiest, most intoxicating woman I have ever met."

A lump formed in her throat and she whispered, "Friends don't say things like that to each other…"

Sighing, he rested his chin on the back of the couch, "To be fair…we were never like other friends. Lines were always a bit blurred with us…"

"Wasn't that part of the problem?" She asked curiously, "Those blurred lines were what got us into trouble…"

Nodding slowly he said, "You're right…I guess it just is what it is. But…if you need me to stop I will."

Reaching for the cheez its again she walked towards him slowly, "Thank you."

"Sure." He turned to face the TV again and draped his arm back along the couch before he pressed play.

It was quiet as they watched the movie start up again. Both of them were focussed on the movie but also thinking about so many things. Before she could stop herself she said, "But if you must know…" He peeked at her out of the corner of his eyes, "Yes…"

Biting his lip to hold back his smile he asked, "Yes you think I'm good looking or yes you're attracted to me?"

She huffed, pulling the pillow into her lap before mumbling, "Just yes…"

He laughed knowing that was all he was going to get, and for now, that was good enough. "I'll take it…"


The movie continued and they both settled into a comfortable give and take of conversation. At one point, they both reached for cheez its box at the same time, their hands colliding, "Oh, sorry."

Elliot shook his head and pointed towards the box, "Go ahead."

She took a handful and settled back against the couch, "I'm all set now…"

Elliot took the box, took a handful and turned back to the movie. The words left his mouth before he could stop himself and as soon as she heard him, he knew he had surprised her. "I almost bolted at my wedding to Kathy."

Her head snapped up and she looked at him with wide eyes, "What?"

His jaw cracked and he swallowed the food in his mouth, "A few minutes before I was supposed to walk out…I thought about it. Just leaving. I was so fucking young and I wasn't…" He sighed and guilt washed over him, "I wasn't sure we were making the right decision." She still didn't say a word and he shrugged, "I proposed because of the baby…I mean I cared about her but I wasn't ready to be a husband…wasn't ready to be a Father either but…"

Turning her body slowly she watched him carefully, knowing that what he was saying was hard for him to admit. He was a man of conviction, who always tried to do the right thing. To hear him say he wasn't sure about his marriage wasn't all that surprising but it was shocking to hear him admit it all.

He smiled sadly and his head rolled against the cushions to look at her, "Sometimes I think they would have been better off if I had left…"

"But then you wouldn't have the five incredible kids you have." She whispered, "And I know that they mean more to you than anything in this world. So…I'd say it was worth it."

Elliot stared at her, a million thoughts running through his mind. So many regrets. "They do mean the world to me. But…"

Raising her eyebrow she curled her legs up against her chest and whispered, "But what?"

"But I've failed them." He whispered, "I failed them in so many fucking ways Liv…just like I failed you."

She was quiet, slowly leaning forward she paused the movie, "It's too late right now…but in the morning, call Dana. See if you can call them. You need it. And I know that they will be happy to hear from you." He shook his head, "You're their Father. They love you. And they will always need you…"

Smiling sadly he whispered, "They're better off without me…"

"As someone who didn't grow up with a Father, that's not true." He sighed heavily, "We all make mistakes. You needed time."

Looking up at the ceiling he whispered, "Time…"

"Can I ask you something?" He turned to look at her again, she took his silence as permission to move on, "Two years…it's a long time to be away. Were you ever coming back?"

His heart dropped and then he whispered, "I wanted to. Every fucking day I woke up and thought…today's the day. You'll call them. The kids, you. You'll go back. But the more time that passed the harder it felt and then I felt like maybe your lives were better without me."

"They weren't." She replied, "And I know I speak for them too…we needed you to come home." He swallowed hard and she whispered, "But…if you felt like you needed space. Then I'm glad you took it…rather than the alternative…"

He was quiet for a moment and then slowly pushed himself off the couch, "I put them through enough even in a short time…the drinking. I'm ashamed to say I let myself get out of hand."

She turned to watch him as he paced the small space, "You realize that you spent so many years being strong…providing for others. Fighting for justice and no one can ever understand what kind of toll that takes unless you live it. You reached your breaking point."

"I became all the things they said about me…Tucker, the Brass…I fell into that trap." He said, shaking his head in frustration, "I failed. I fucking failed and I coudln't face it."

"How many times have we heard stories about cops who reach their breaking point and look to the barrel of a gun to solve that problem." He stopped short and looked back at her, "You're still here…so if you ask me, you haven't failed. You just needed a break."

"But…I almost did just that." His voice was low, but she heard him loud and clear, "I had the gun…I was ready to make that choice."

She started breathing heavily, tears pooling in her eyes as she tried to imagine getting that phone call. Finding out he was gone. Truly gone. The cold feeling that started from the bottom of her toes and rose to the top of her head made her shiver. Squeezing the pillow closer to her she stuttered as she spoke, "W-what?"

His cheeks flushed and she knew he had never admitted this to anyone. And for Elliot, a man of God, this was hard to say out loud. She waited, giving him the space and time he clearly needed to gather his thoughts. After a few moments, he walked back towards her and sat down, tilting his body towards hers, "Kathy had kicked me out…I was figuring out what to do for a job. I was in this crappy motel…I'd never been that low. I was unpacking my bag…and I kept thinking how the fuck did I get here? My gun was in my bag…and I took it out…"

His hands started to shake and his words got caught in his throat. Her hand reached out slowly, her fingers closed around his and squeezed tight, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to…"

"We're trying to be friends right?" He smiled nervously, "As my friend…you deserve to know. Especially since you're the reason I'm still alive…"

Her heart flipped in her chest and her fingers held onto his hand even tighter, "What?"

Looking down at her hand in his, he turned it slightly, palm facing up. With his index finger, he began to trace the lines there, her life lines, little did she know he was his. "I sat there, and I hate to admit this but I was sobbing Liv…I felt like I was drowning. Everything felt dark, heavy, terrifying and I didn't know how I'd ever find my way out. My hand was shaking, my finger was on the trigger and I was ready…I was fucking ready because I wanted it to stop. That feeling of helplessness…I just wanted it to stop."

With her free hand, she wiped away her own tears. She shivered slightly as he continued to move his fingers across her palm in a delicate little dance. This wasn't something friends would do, and yet…their friendship had been anything but normal. Those blurred lines, moments where they constantly had to be touching. Half the time they didn't notice until someone pointed it out. A hand on the back, leaning against each other, it all felt normal. It had always felt normal.

Biting her lip she asked, "So what stopped you?"

He sniffled slightly and she realized he was crying just as she was, "You."

Her lip trembled and she delicately placed a hand to her chest, "Me?" He nodded slowly, "What do you mean me? We weren't talking at that time…"

"But you called." He whispered, "You were still calling. I had my phone beside me…and I lifted the gun…and it rang. I jumped…fumbled and the gun fell. And when I looked down, it was your name that filled the screen." He pulled her hand even closer and she moved close, very close, invading his space but knowing he needed it just as much as she did, "I didn't answer of course…I was so fucking ashamed. But you left a message…I remember exactly what you said too."

She'd called so many damn times during that time she couldn't imagine what she'd said. It was all such a blur. She had been desperate, so afraid to never see him again. "You do?"

"It was one of the shorter ones…it was towards the end. Right before you gave up…" He whispered.

Her cheeks flushed and she whispered, "I just assumed you didn't want to hear from me anymore…because you weren't answering."

"Your voice saved me." He whispered, "You. You saved me. You always have. And you're still doing it now without even realizing." She just stared at him, wide eyed, "You said that you hoped that I was okay…and that if and when you decided you wanted to talk. That you'd be there. Said you'd always be there. And I thought…" He choked slightly and he pulled her hand back into his lap, "I never deserved her…but I won't let her see me this way."

'If you had called…" She whispered, "I would have come straight to you…I would have done anything you needed. I just wanted to help."

"I know. And you did." She looked confused and he smiled, "You did Liv, whether you realize it or not…you did. I'm still here…because of you. If you hadn't called…I would have done it. But you gave me a reason to keep fighting…" He shrugged and lifted his hand, brushing her hair out of her face, "Even if I still ran…I'm still alive because of you. And I knew…I had to see you again. So to answer your original question…was I ever coming back?" He nodded, "I don't know when…but yes. I knew I had to see you again. Even if you hated me…I had to see you again. But I guess the universe knew that I was scared…and brought you to me instead. And for that…" He let out a shaky breath and whispered, "I'm incredibly thankful."

So many emotions coursed through her body and mind, she shook uncontrollably. And before she could stop herself, she launched herself at him, her body crashing against his. But he caught her, just like he always had. Her tears melted into the crook of his neck as she held on tight and what she said next made those fractured pieces of that desperate man in the motel finally start to heal, "Whatever the reason, I'm really fucking glad you're still alive Elliot Stabler."

His arms wrapped around her, resting against her lower back as he held her against him. She'd said his name. It had been so long since he'd heard his name on her lips and he finally felt like Elliot again. He pressed his cheek into the side of her face, "You said my name…"

Pulling back slightly, her lips turned up into a nervous smile. He reached out and traced the line left by her tears, his finger tapping against her nose, "You said my name…"

Her cheeks flushed and she sighed, "Guess I did…"

His hand fell between them again and he could have kissed her, maybe he should have. But he didn't want to rush this, didn't want to push her before she was fully ready. She'd wanted her friend back. And quite frankly, he wanted his friend Olivia too. Needed her in ways she'd never understand, "Feels good to hear you say that…"

Chewing on her lip slowly she whispered, "I'm sorry…it was just…" Looking down her hand tangled with his, and this time she traced the lines on his palm, proof of his existence, "It was really hard to hear your name…and I started to force myself not to say it. Because it hurt…"

"Dana told me that…" She looked up at him and he shrugged, "And I understand. No one here knew you…I didn't have to hear it. But I'm sure I came up from time to time."

"Often. Especially in the beginning." She whispered, "You left…but we were all still there. And everything reminded me of you. I wanted to leave too…but I stayed. And somewhere along the line I just…stopped saying your name and everyone knew I needed it. I wasn't trying to do it to punish you…it just scared me." She closed her fingers around his hand, "You scare me…this…us…it absolutely terrifies me."

"I get that…" He was close, very close and he saw the fear in her eyes, "But…we're trying right? Working on our friendship…"

After a moment, he moved back, settling in against the love seat and she leaned back too, but their hands stayed connected, "Yeah…I guess we are."

"No one knows that…" He said gently, "Not a soul other than you. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust you Liv…you were always my best friend. My person…my partner…and I needed you. I've always needed you. And you were there that night…you've been with me every night, every day, every moment." He sighed and lifted her hand, he placed it against his chest so she could feel the thudding in his heart, "It will always be you and I…"

And she knew that he was right…

Resting her head on the cushion behind her, she could tell he was exhausted. See it in his face. The emotional toll of all of this, the last two years, the last few weeks while she'd been here, his nightmare tonight, his admission. "You look exhausted…"

He smiled sadly, "I am…"

Reaching behind her, she found one of the light blankets and pulled it out. "Maybe we should finish the movie…and let you get some rest."

His eyes were already fluttering closed, the emotional exhaustion pulling him under, "Hm…do they end up together?"

She smiled, draping the blanket over him before starting the film up again, "Of course they do. Don't the two love interests always find their way back to each other in every movie and show? Everyone loves a good love story…they're always rooting for them."

He yawned, his eyes drooping slightly. He thought after he'd admitted that, he'd have felt embarrassed or afraid. And yet, he felt relieved to finally get it off of his chest. He felt a sense of calm wash over him, a peace that he hadn't felt in years. And he knew it was her, her presence, and the sound of his name on her lips, "Say it again…" He whispered.

She turned to look at him, ready to ask what he meant but the sleepy smile on his face gave her her answer, "Get some rest Elliot…"

He sighed and nuzzled into the pillows, inching closer to her. "You gonna be here when I wake up?"

Sighing, she took his hand and placed it in her lap, squeezing tight, "Right here."

"Feels good…" He mumbled and she looked towards him, with one eye open he spoke with a little smile, "Feels good to have my friend back…" He yawned again, sinking further into the cushions as his body finally relaxed, "My best friend…"

Biting her lip softly, she ran her fingers along the back of his hand hoping to help him get the rest he so clearly needed. Even if it wasn't the most comfortable spot, she was willing to stay here if it meant he could finally relax. At least for a little while. Besides, there were worse places to be.

She could tell he was sleeping, his breath came in slow, deep, even and his body wasn't so stiff. Turning back towards him, the movie played in the background. She'd spent so much time being hurt, being angry, she forgot how scared she had been in those first few weeks and months when he was gone. Not knowing where he was. To know that he was hurting that much, that deeply that he almost took his own life made her heart ache in ways she'd never felt before. Yes he had been gone, but somewhere in the back of her mind she had always believed she would see him again. If he had died, if he had truly been gone, that was something she could never have survived.

Yes she was hurting. Yes she was scared beyond belief, but a world without Elliot Stabler was not one she wanted to live in, not again. As she watched him sleep, truly sleep for the first time in a long time, the movie's dialogue ignited something in her and she felt it. That undying love for him that she'd always had whether it was right or wrong.

Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me.

She knew he couldn't hear her, and somehow that felt safer. Holding his hand tighter she whispered, "I love you Elliot Stabler…I always have. And I always will. You're the only one for me…"

Sighing, she turned back towards the movie, allowing herself to sink further into the loveseat beside him. He shifted slightly, still completely consumed by sleep and when he rested against her, she didn't try and pull away. He needed this and quite frankly so did she. As she sat beside him, her mind wandered to the letter upstairs again and she knew she had to read it. When, she wasn't sure. But she wanted to know, had to know what it said. Maybe friendship was a good place to start…

But she knew what she wanted in the end…and she hoped that he still did too.


Elliot woke up first, the sun was streaming in through the window. The deep orange rays cast a golden glow through the room. The TV was still on but it was on a random station now, some infomercial selling God knows what. The person's voice rang through the small speakers, his neck cracked slightly, but despite the awkward position, he hadn't felt this damn rested in years. Confusion filled him for a moment before he turned his head and he saw her, fast asleep right beside him.

Their hands were still interlocked in her lap. Her face was turned towards him, her olive skin glowing in the morning light. His heart leapt, twisting and turning and he sighed, feeling grateful for this moment. It had been such a whirlwind lately, and before they'd started the movie he'd felt angry, frustrated, exhausted. But she'd opened up. He knew there would be hard days ahead, knew that there was still more to discuss. There would be moments when she pulled away, tried to run, but she was here. She was trying, and last night she'd said his name, his real name and that gave him hope.

Lifting his hand, he traced the slope of her jaw with the back of his hand. She sighed softly, turned and suddenly her head was against his shoulder. Not knowing how long this moment would last, he decided to take advantage of it. He hadn't slept this soundly in a hell of a long time and his body and mind would thank him for it later. And as he started to fall back to sleep he thought…he just might have to make movie night a regular thing. Especially if it meant falling asleep beside the one true love of his life…