Name: Dick Gumshoe

Vehicle: APC (You heard right, an armored personnel carrier. Hey, when your salary is as low as Gumshoe's, you're forced to live in a part of town where you need a vehicle like that to avoid being robbed.)

Vehicle Armor: 5/5 (As previously sated, any less armor and the numerous gangs roaming Gumshoe's neighborhood would strip him of his last dime.)

Vehicle Speed: 3/5 (It may not be the fastest vehicle out there, but it does a good enough job getting Gumshoe away from that creepy cheese salesman that's always standing outside his apartment building and giving him creepy looks.)

Vehicle Handling: Intermediate (It had better have decent handling, considering that Gumshoe went through all the trouble of stealing it from the military. Don't worry Gumshoe, Edgeworth doesn't have to know.)

Special Weapon: 3/5 (The Dancing Blue Badger- The Blue Badger panel that Gumshoe built with his own two hands which now adorns the roof of his vehicle. Exert extreme caution around it, for anyone who stares into its eyes meets with a terrible fate- ranging from spontaneous combustion to having their tongue permanently taste like the Twin-T set.)

Bio: For too long, Mr. Edgeworth and the rest of my superiors have called me "incompetent" and "bumbling", but they'd be too if they had to live off expired, no-name brand instant noodles every day! Well, when I win Gavin's contest, I'll be eating like a king and THEN we'll see who gets the final laugh! … Sorry about that outburst, pal, but you'd be the same way if you've been malnourished for too many years to count.


Kristoph calmly sits on a sidewalk bench, reading his newspaper. The ambiance is perfect: there's a light breeze in the air, birds are chirping, and Phoenix's burning corpse, which has been placed in front of the bench, gives off a pleasant warmth that feels juuust right. Yes, the host of 'Debauched Steel' has attained a level of comfort where nothing could cause him to look up from his paper- even the loud rumble of Gumshoe's APC's engine as it parks next to the bench.

The only thing that snaps Kristoph out of his peaceful trance is an offensive odor that can only be described as a combination of noodle broth and raw sewage, followed by being patted on the shoulder by a big, meaty hand. Kristoph, with a scowl of disgust and irritation on his face, looks up to see Gumshoe flashing him his normal goofy grin as if there's not a care in the world.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I don't have any spare change on me. Perhaps you'll find the help that you need at the homeless shelter across town." Kristoph scoffs before returning to his newspaper; only to be interrupted yet again by Gumshoe pushing the host of 'Debauched Steel's newspaper down so that he can get right in the disgruntled ex-attorney's face and look him square in the eye.

"Hey, pal, I'm no hobo! I'm Detective Gumshoe! You know, the guy who just won your demolition derby." Gumshoe huffs, the smell of noodles and tooth decay that forms the overpowering stench of his breath makes Kristoph gag and almost vomit in his mouth.

Kristoph calmly puts his index finger on the bridge of Gumshoes nose and slowly pushes the scruffy detective out of his personal space before reaching into his pocket and taking out a bottle of hand sanitizer, which he proceeds to use quite unsparingly and returns to his pocket upon finishing.

"Well, considering the fact that I have seen you eating out of the Precinct's dumpster on a regular basis, on top of you smelling like you came back from the dead after swimming a few laps in a septic tank, my prior confusion is justifiable." Kristoph sneers.

"Hey, pal, I'll give you the dumpster part, but insulting my body odor is where I draw the line. But how do you expect me to clean when I earn less money than a Borginian fisherman?" Gumshoe angrily retorts.

"Easy. It's called soap. Buy a bar- it only costs a dollar…" Kristoph responds with a wry smile. "But I digress, what is your wish, Gumshoe?"

"Simple, pal. I wanna be the richest man on Earth." Gumshoe proclaims.

"Gra-" Kristoph tries to raise his arms in the air to grant Gumshoe's wish, but is interrupted by Gumshoe.

"With a huge mansion." Gumshoe interjects.

"Gra-"

"And a frozen yogurt machine that dispenses weenie-flavored frozen yogurt."

"Gra-"

"And a lime-green pimp coat, with a matching Jaxon hat."

"Gra-" Kristoph growls with a look of ever-growing irritation on his face.

"And a butler named Mr. Binglebop who speaks in a snooty British accent and has the legs of a chicken, the torso of a gorilla, the wings of a dragon, and a head that looks just like Mr. Edgeworth's."

"GRANTED! End of story!" Kristoph yells before quickly raising his arms in the air, causing bolts of electricity to stream between his hands, emitting a blinding light.

When the light diminishes, Gumshoe, who is now wearing a lime-green pimp coat and Jaxon hat, sits in a posh lounge chair in one of the many sitting rooms of his new mansion.

"Ah, now this is more like it…" Gumshoe comments as he puts his hands behind his head and starts to nod off. However, before he can fall asleep, he is interrupted when he is lightly tapped on his shoulder by his chicken/gorilla/dragon/Edgeworth butler, who is carrying a silver platter with a large cup of frozen yogurt on it.

"Your frozen yogurt, sir." Mr. Binglebop states as he extends the tray over to Gumshoe, who responds by quickly snatches the frozen yogurt and scarfing it down.

"Is there anything else I can do for you at the moment, sir?" Mr. Binglebop asks, earning him a curt headshake from Gumshoe as he continues eating. After watching Gumshoe's rather unrefined eating display for a few more seconds, Mr. Binglebop lets out a long sigh before leaving the room.

A few minutes later, after Gumshoe has finished his frozen yogurt and has discarded the empty cup on the floor, he gets up from his seat and starts to tour the rest of his massive new home that has a wide variety of rooms including one that contains two Olympic-sized swimming pools, one filled with water and the other with chocolate pudding, one with a full-sized bowling alley, where all the pins have Franziska's face painted on them, and one that contains a pristine bathroom, complete with a hot tub and working toilet.

Upon finishing his tour of his house, Gumshoe enters the mansion's lavish front foyer, where falls to his knees as he bursts out in tears of joy. "W-We did it, Ma!" Gumshoe wails at the ceiling. "Your little Gum-gum is living in a palace where he doesn't have to pay his rent by being on the receiving end of a golden shower!"

Suddenly, Gumshoe's celebration is cut short when a police squad, led by Detective Bobby Fulbright barges into the mansion.

"W-What's happening, pal!?" Gumshoe shrieks as he quickly springs to his feet.

"In justice we trust!" Fulbright flashes his badge. "I'm Detective Bobby Fulbright and you, Gumshoe, are under arrest for building your wealth off of an illegal sweatshop producing 'Steel Samurai' knockoffs!"

"What are you talking about, pal? I got my wealth from winning 'Debauched Steel'. I'd never run a sweatshop."

"Well, then explain this…!" Fulbright walks over and kicks down a nearby door, revealing a sweatshop filled with young workers, including Kay, John Marsh, and Pearl, with droopy, bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep and gaunt, spindly bodies from malnutrition tirelessly work at an assembly line creating a wide variety of 'Plumed Punisher' products ranging from actions figures to beach towels. All the while, Maggey Byrd, who is sitting in a chair and holding a whip, glares at the poor workers.

Maggey cracks her whip. C'mon, you bunch of slackers, Big Daddy Gumshoe needs a new lime-green coat! Work faster!" Maggey cracks her whip again for emphasis, causing the workers to speed up production as the room fills with their soft sobs.

"How do you sleep at night!?" Fulbright snarls, flashing Gumshoe a look of pure venom.

"L-Look, pal, I know that it looks bad, but I'm telling you that I'm innocent! I'd never subject anyone to that kind of fate, honest!" Gumshoe tries to plead, but his words fall on deaf ears as Fulbright slowly shakes his head.

"Riiight, and Prosecutor Blackquill finds me annoying…" Fulbright sneers with a roll of his eyes before pushing Gumshoe to the ground and slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists.

Fulbright lifts Gumshoe onto his feet by the collar of his coat. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you." Fulbright states as he pushes Gumshoe out of the mansion and into a nearby prison van.

On a nearby hill in the distance, Kristoph watches the entire scene unfold, a sinister grin spread across his face. "Remember kids, a fool and his money are soon parted; a process made all the faster when you don't specify how you want to earn your wealth in the first place…" Kristoph sneers at the camera. "I'm Kristoph Gavin, and I thank you for watching 'Debauched Steel'."


A/N: I would like to thank TaguelCat01 for submitting the idea for this chapter. Anyways, I hope that you guys enjoyed reading this chapter of "Debauched Steel".