Name: Mike Meekins

Vehicle: Blue Badgermobile (Who says that this competition has to be all about killing? Not Mike Meekins, that's for sure. While all the other competitors are blowing each other to smithereens, Meekins is spreading the good word of the Blue Badger and making children's dreams come true… while trying to blow everyone to smithereens.)

Vehicle Armor: 1/5 (This vehicle was designed to bring happiness to children, not navigate the battlefield. Plus, would you want Meekins to drive a car that allows him to survive any 'accidents'?)

Vehicle Speed: 2/5 (Who in their right mind would give a vehicle with respectable speed to the man who gets his tie stuck in his car door two-thirds of the time?)

Vehicle Handling: 3/5 (Nothing too spectacular, but it can at least do its job; something that can't be said about the driver.)

Special Attack: 0/5 (Pleas for Mercy- Meekins drives away while screaming like a little girl and begging for mercy with his classic Mike Meekins charm. In short, the only thing this attack accomplishes is ensuring that no one gives the bumbling court bailiff an ounce of respect.)

Bio: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! My name's Mike Meekins and I'm a bai- Wait why are you running!? Is it something I said?! Am I not speaking loud enough?! IS THIS LOUD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! DOES THE MEGAPHONE SATISFY YOUR NEEDS!? …I guess that's a 'no'… *sigh* I'm so lonely…


Kristoph is sitting back on a bench by the side of the road, awaiting the winner of Debauched Steel, his legs crossed as he casually reads through Moby Dick, imagining himself as Captain Ahab and Wright as the infamous great white whale- only in Kristoph's mind, he wins and hangs Wright's head on his mantle. But unfortunately for the psychotic host, his fantasies are cut short when suddenly…

"SIR! I AM HERE FOR MY WISH, MR. GAVIN, SIR!" Meekins bellows into his megaphone, snapping Kristoph out of his fantasies as the host of Debauched Steel jerks back in his seat.

"Of all the people to win…" Kristoph mutters under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose before letting out a long, exasperated sigh. "Indeed you are, Mr. Meekins. So what is your wish? And remember, as the winner of Debauched Steel, you can wish for nearly anything that your heart desires, so don't hesitate to just blurt it out."

Meekins salutes Kristoph. "Sir! About that, I've recently had an epiphany, sir!"

Kristoph's left eye starts twitching.

Shirley Temple, give me strength… The demented host internally pleads.

"After that psychopath Blaise Debeste refused to dedicate any actual punishments to me, saying how I'm too pathetic, I realize that I'm not a well-liked person, sir..." Meekins states, eyeing the ground with a look of sorrow.

"No, really!?" Kristoph scoffs in an over-the-top sarcastic tone that goes over Meekins' head.

"I've been so blind, sir! The signs have been there all my life, I just chose to ignore them- thinking that there was no trend! When I was in kindergarten, sir, all the other kids would yank at my long, feminine eyebrows and the teacher would respond by giving me a timeout for causing a disturbance with my crying! Then, when I was in fourth grade, everyone in my class treated my awkwardness as a disease would run away from me screaming, lest they came into contact and developed my personality! They called it m-germs, sir, and when I went to the teacher about it, she merely told me to ignore it. I did, and the other kids continued to do it anyways for an entire year, sir! Jump forward to middle school, where none of the other trombone players would ever let me sit in our section, forcing me to sit with the Tuba players where the teacher would always yell at me, yet would never aid me! And it didn't help that all the girls made it their life's work to make mine a living hell- threatening to beat me up at my house, tripping me down stairs, and spreading a rumor that I'm dating a cactus! Do you know how it feels to be called 'Prickly Prostate' nonstop for three years, sir!?"

"Not exactly, but I'd take that over this torturous exposition in a heartbeat." Kristoph wryly comments, though Meekins completely ignores him as he proceeds with his story.

"And when I was in high school, no girl would ever want to date me despite how I'd act like a gentleman and treat each and every last one of them with respect- even when they'd trick me by saying how they wanted to get to know me better, only to blindfold me, strip me down to my birthday suit, and send me onto the center of the football field during the big game against Monroe Prep! The guys were awful, sir, bullying me for being a virgin, sitting alone in the cafeteria, and that my mom was my only friend! And the girls were even worse, mocking me for having a small package and being smooth! I-"

Meekins is interrupted by Kristoph delivering a swift punch to his jaw, sending the clumsy bailiff tumbling to the ground.

Splendid… JordanPhoenix was onto something with her suggestion, she really was. The host of Debauched Steel thinks as he rubs his fist and glowers to the ground at the now-trembling Meekins. "Now then, you grating little basket case, get to the point and state your wish or I will decide for you in the form of sending you on a one-way trip to the sun!"

"Isn't it obvious, sir? I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME!" Meekins screams into his megaphone before springing back up on his feet.

"Granted." Kristoph sneers.

The demented host raises his arms in the air, causing bolts of electricity to stream between his hands, emitting a blinding light. However, when the light diminishes, it appears as if nothing has changed.

"So, Mr. Meekins, how do you feel?" Kristoph calmly asks.

The bumbling bailiff opens his mouth to speak, but no sounds come out, much to his horror and Kristoph's delight. Meekins, becoming more and more distraught by the second, begins to have a major panic attack- frantically hopping up and down like a demented grasshopper, sloppily spinning around like a lopsided top, and erratically waving his arms to an extent that would make even Wocky Kitaki say 'Damn!'- as he tries harder and harder to scream, but to no avail. The oaf of a law enforcer even fails to find relief through his trusty megaphone which projects only silence, causing Meekins to breakdown into tears and sobs which no one, thankfully, can hear.

"What's wrong, Mr. Meekins? Cat got your tongue? No matter, after all, silence is golden." Kristoph sneers before turning to face the camera. "I'm Kristoph Gavin, and I thank you for watching Debauched Steel."


A/N: I would like to thank JordanPhoenix for submitting the idea for this chapter.