Name: Paul Atishon
Vehicle: Custom-made Election-winning Campaign Mobile (Paul Atishon's mighty palanquin is not only a peerless vehicle when it comes to sharp turns and narrow streets, but it also brings jobs to the community. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a job-filled future!)
Vehicle Armor: 2/5 (Atishon knows that in today's world you can't afford to have a lightly armored vehicle, but he refuses to live in fear any longer! A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a leader who's willing to stand up to crime!)
Vehicle Speed: 2/5 (Atishon would prefer a speedier ride, but what can he do when the children pulling his palanquin can only run so fast? Fire them and get a motorized vehicle? Not on his watch! The greatest resource in Atishon's mind is not oil, coal, or money, but the welfare of his constituents. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a leader who puts the people first and money and power in a very close second!)
Vehicle Handling: Very Tight (Fueled by grandiose promises including, but not limited to, turning all of the world's oceans into chocolate sauce, marshmallow helicopters flown by unicorns, and a law mandating that those under ten can't be forced to go to bed before 11 p.m., the children currently pulling Atishon's palanquin do so with unbelievable precision. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for making children more productive through lies!)
Special Weapon: 4/5 (Political Rally- Atishon's loud speeches go into overdrive as he makes rapid-fire absurd promises while mercilessly pursuing the other drivers, causing them to crash into each other as they try to escape from the racket. Sure, Atishon doesn't defeat them himself with this attack, but he is a man who strongly supports teamwork and community-wide cooperation. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a stronger sense of community!)
Bio: Hello good people, I am Paul Atishon, a man whose name shall soon go down in the annals of history as the greatest politician to ever live. My grandfather is the Abe Atishon, so with his political brilliance on my father's side, combined with the long, magnificent eyelashes that I got from my mother, I am invincible! In short, I am the chosen one, the golden boy, the political powerhouse destined to reclaim the glory of Kurain- like Neo from The Matrix, only handsomer and with better ideas! That is why, if elected, I will not rest until another Matrix trilogy is released with me playing the starring role. They will be so magnificent that films the likes of Casablanca and Citizen Kane will look like piles of manure in comparison! My films will have lasers, only the most modern of lingo, and giant robots. You heard me right, good people, giant fighting robots that punch and do whatever giant robots do. I mean, who doesn't like giant fighting robots? Nobody, that's who. So remember, good people, a vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for quality entertainment! And that is not all, I- Hey! What are you going, Mr. Cameraman? I'm not done gracing these fine people with my glorious presence! *loud beep*
Sorry about that interruption, good people. That cameraman had the audacity to attempt to stop my pre-show bio and deprive you of your daily dose of vitamin Atishon. How selfish! I swear, what kind of world do we live in where egomaniacal people like him are capable of calling the shots? That's why, if elected, I will bring my humbleness and modesty to Kurain's local council, being the small light of hope and decency that shines in the darkness of corruption and graft! A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a brighter future for all of humanity! I will dedicate all of my time and effort to pushing forth laws that shall greatly increase the overall quality of life for my Kurain brothers and sisters! Bubble wrap on every rock, all gun-users get shot, and all water shall be cleansed of hydrogen! For I shan't sit around while our children drink water with the same stuff that made the Hindenburg explode! I am Paul Atishon, I am the light of- Oh, hello there, good security guards! I am Paul Atishon! Have you come here to bask in-
As Kristoph waits by the side of the road for the winner of Debauched Steel to grant them any wish that they desire, he is greeted by a sight to behold: several small children, red-faced and gasping for air as sweat drips from their brows, pulling Atishon's palanquin towards him.
"Ah, Mr. Atishon, so glad you could make it." Kristoph says with a grin.
"No thanks to these lazy children! I'm surprised that the sun's still up, considering how long it took them to bring me here." Atishon wryly responds.
"We… We're sorry, Mr. Atishon! It's just, we're… *cough* so tired. You… You made us run nonstop during the competition. We just *cough* need a little bit of down time, is all." A small child, appearing to be no more than nine, wheezes as he struggles to remain conscious.
"The ungratefulness of today's youth…" Atishon comments, casting a passing glare at the children before returning his gaze to Kristoph. "I gave them all jobs, opportunities to serve not only their community, but their future king, and this is how they repay my kindness, by whining and demanding breaks? There are children in Africa that would kill for that kind of opportunity! That is why, if elected into power, I will free the workers from the shackles of the oppressive unions that make them too entitled and complacent to achieve their dreams! A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote to keep the hopes and aspirations of our nation's youths alive and well!" The ambitious politician yells with a shake of his fist.
Kristoph rolls his eyes. "How do you expect people to vote for you when you can't even get adults to pull your palanquin?"
"Hey, it's not my fault that those miserable excuses for palanquin pullers refused to help me with this contest! They're still angry with me for what happened during one of my tours. I swear, your palanquin crushes all of your workers going down a steep hill and all of a sudden you're the bad guy for life. Granted, I refused to help pay their hospital bills, but I did send them all nice edible fruit bouquets."
"What a saint." Kristoph sarcastically groans.
"I know, I'm wonderful." Atishon grins, bobbing his head back and forth with closed eyes as he savors the complement. Granted, it was obviously sarcastic, but to the seedy politician, a compliment is a compliment. "… In life, when confronted with hardships, we are given the choice to go down one of two paths: we can either curl up in a little ball and cry about how unfair the world is, or we can rise above it and use that hardship to make us stronger. I, for one, have chosen the latter, and like the mighty phoenix of legend, I rise from the ashes of my defeat born anew!" The seedy politician yells, slamming his fist on his palanquin's armrest. "During my time in prison, I've had the opportunity to interact and get to know this city's criminal element on a deeper level than any other politician."
Kristoph chuckles as a sneer forms on his face. "Strange, because from what I know, the only interaction you've had with the other prisoners- with the exception of swatting them away in the cafeteria with a plastic spoon and calling them, and I quote, 'dirty street peasants'- is in the showers when-"
"Regardless of what unspeakable, mentally-scarring acts occurred within those prison walls, I now have a greater understanding of the common man than ever before. And with that understanding, I will quickly climb up the political ladder, making life better and longer for all the people blessed enough to be under my jurisdiction." Atishon puts a hand on Kristoph's arm as he continues speaking. "But with your powers, I wouldn't have to do all that. That's why my wish is for you to make me king of the Earth. With my charm, intelligence, and dashing good looks, I will usher in a golden age for the people of all nations as their lord and savior!"
And people say I'm an egomaniac… "Granted." Kristoph responds with a sinister grin.
The demented host raises his arms in the air, causing bolts of electricity to stream between his hands, emitting a blinding light. When the light diminishes, Atishon finds himself in a lavish marble room, sitting on a large, golden throne surrounded by many imposing statues crafted in his image.
"What is this wonderful place?" Atishon askes with a tone of awe, admiring the many portraits on the walls of him. "Is it…?"
The aspiring politician get up from his throne and runs over to a nearby window, where sure enough, he sees several banners with his face on them with the phrase 'Praise King Atishon, Defender and Ruler of the Earth!' written bellow in big, bold letters.
"It is! I'm the king of the world…! And the best part is I didn't have to do any work!" Atishon smirks as he returns to his throne.
Suddenly, interrupting his moment of glory, Atishon hears loud banging on the large, opulent doors on the far side of the room before they are blown off their hinges by a large explosion, sending them flying towards him. Luckily, the doors don't cause the narcissistic politician any harm as they hit the ground before reaching him, sliding for a small window of time before coming to a halt right at his feet. Then, rushing forth from the explosion's smoke, a huge mob of people, all of whom are wearing wigs identical to Atishon's signature hairdo and carrying weapons of all shapes and sizes- pitchforks, torches, swords, guns, rocks, pillows with a slightly sour odor- rush at the politician, glaring daggers and pointing their weapons at him upon reaching the throne.
For any normal person, they would understandably be scared out of their wits upon seeing an angry mob casting them death glares, but Paul Atishon is by no means a normal man, and as such, responds to the enraged group not with trembling limbs and a sweat-drenched brow, but with a smug grin and a calm wave.
"Hello, good people. Those wigs are quite eye-catching, if I do say so myself. So, how can I, the great Paul Atishon, be of assistance to you kind folks?"
"Can it, Atishon!" Di-Jun Huang growls as he grips the handle of his pitchfork even tighter. "We've had enough of your crap! We're here for change!"
"Oh, if that's what you want…" Atishon pulls out some loose change from his pocket and quickly counts it over. "I've got change for a dollar. Is that sufficient, good sir!"
"Idiot!" Huang snarls, slapping the inept man's hand and sending the coins falling to the ground. "We don't want money; we want to be free from your tyrannical rule! To undo the many damages that you have done to the global population!"
"Me? Wronging people? As if I, the great and all-powerful Paul Atishon, am capable of such nonsense!" Atishon scoffs.
"Then why is education so limited and underfunded?" Wesley asks as he brandishes his usual book. "The only subjects students are allowed to study are the history of your life, the biology behind your family's genes, and the physics of how your hair style remains stable!"
"Those are the only things that anyone needs to know to live a happy, fulfilling life. Take me, for example. Those are all the things I know, and look how I turned out." Atishon retorts.
"Why aren't employees given any negotiation rights? I'm only paid in salty noodles and insults thanks to you!" Apollo angrily states as he raises the megaphone that he's holding, contemplating of whether or not to use it.
"Yeah! I work 161 hours a week and I can't even afford to buy a packet of ketchup!" Gumshoe angrily chimes in as he brandishes a pillow covered in a black mold which is emanating a very questionable odor."
"I'm motivating you to work harder and rise through the ranks! Maybe if you two were better at your jobs, you wouldn't be in this situation."
"Why is the only candy we're allowed to eat Circus Peanuts? What inhuman freak prefers those unholy abominations over sweet, delicious chocolate?!" Johnny Smiles shrieks, his body shaking and eyes bugging out, his knuckles whitening as his grip on his nightstick tightens.
"I'll have you know that Circus Peanuts are the greatest candy ever to be created in human history! You just lack the refined sense of taste to truly enjoy them. Plus, chocolate makes you fat. I'm only looking out for your health, good people!"
"Oh please, those issues are just the tip of the iceberg." Ema states, holding a bottle of luminol as she makes her way to the front of the mob. "You guys are forgetting this maniac's worst crime: mass water shortages! Seriously, the Earth is a massive desert and thousands of people are dying by the second due to thirst because of his Hydrogen Purge Act!"
"Hydrogen is evil! You should be praising me for ensuring that you all don't explode!"
Ema sprays luminol in Atishon's eyes, causing him to scream in pain.
"Without hydrogen, there is no water! Sure, it's quite explosive by itself, but when it's part of a polar molecule with oxygen, it's inert! All you did was drain every body of water, leading to the extinction of all aquatic life, and gradually kill everything else! We're the last humans alive!"
"I don't get why we're beating around the bush. Let's kill him and restore the natural order, with Zhang-Fa as the chief exporter of black leather, dragon-print pimp coats!" Huang bellows as he raises his pitchfork.
"YEAH!" The rest of the mob screams in unison, raising their weapons as well.
"Wait! Don't be so hasty, good people!" Atishon frantically retorts with an outstretched arm, his eyes filling with terror as the reality of his current situation starts to sink in. "Aren't I at least entitled to a fair trial?"
"Ok, we'll put it to a vote." Huang turns to face the rest of the mob. "All in favor of killing this vile man, raise your hand and say 'I'!"
"I!" The entire mob angrily bellows at the top of their lungs in unison, their hands raised high in the air resembling a thick, overgrown forest of malice and discontent.
"… All those opposed, say 'nay'!"
"Nay…" Atishon meekly replies as he slightly raises his hand.
"The people have spoken!" Huang roars, his arms held out wide and fingers tense. "Detain him!"
"With pleasure, sir!" Gumshoe replies with a salute before he and Lang approach the despised politician.
"No, stay back! I am not a crook!" Atishon yells, his back pressed against his throne. But unfortunately for him, his pleas fall on deaf ears as Gumshoe and Lang each grab one of his arms and drag him towards the magnificent palace's exit, with the rest of the mob following closely behind them.
Later, nearly everyone that was part of the mob is standing before a makeshift stage that has been constructed outside the palace, and at the center of that stage is a guillotine which Atishon's head is currently sticking out of as he awaits his execution.
"People of the world…!" Huang bellows as he walks onstage and over to the device holding the despised politician's neck. "We are gathered here today to put an end to the demon that has soiled the minds of our youths, crushed the spirit of the working man, ruined the world of candy, and has practically killed off all life on our planet. Fortunately, after his capture, we were able to locate and commandeer his water-siphoning robots, reclaiming our drinking supply and ensuring humanity's future! Now, to execute the demon known as Paul Atishon, and then afterwards, we shall work to rebuild our fallen world as humanity enters a golden age of rebirth!"
The crowd cheers as Lang prepares to release the guillotine's blade.
"You're all making a big mistake!" Atishon desperately pleads as he wriggles to no avail. "I am the chosen one, the golden boy, the light and savior of man! I am Paul-"
The despised politician is interrupted as the large blade cleanly decapitates him, his head falling into the wicker basket placed before his body as blood flows from his neck, like water from a fountain.
As the crowd cheers at the sight of Atishon's death, Kristoph stands in the shadows off to the side, close enough so that he could clearly see every gory detail of the execution, yet far enough away so that no one would notice him, chuckling to himself at the sight of his handiwork.
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before the head falls." Kristoph sneers at the camera. "I'm Kristoph Gavin, and I thank you for watching Debauched Steel."
A/N: I would like to thank HeroMan66475 for submitting the idea for this chapter.
