Author Notes: Okay, guys, I know this story is effin weird. A fever dream meets a sugar rush, but I think it's going to start making a bit more sense lol.
Harry arrived and sat down with who he thought was Sirius first. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to see Hermione awake. No, it was the fact that the scowl she wore on her face, well that Remus was wearing, was enough to keep the Potter at bay.
"She seems to be a sour mood, did you say anything to her?" Harry whispered.
Hermione groaned and shook her head. The black curls that surrounded her vision felt cumbersome in comparison to her wild hair. "No, there's more going on than a sour word, Harry."
His eyebrows knitted. "Sirius, are you alright?"
"I'm not Sirius," Hermione whispered.
"I am," Sirius piped up and bounced over on the bed, a cigarette hanging from Remus's mouth.
Harry glanced between them and exhaled. "If you're not Sirius, then you're Remus?" He breathed.
"Pads, put that fag out. I won't deal with withdrawals!" Remus shouted from across the room.
Sirius whined and exhaled. "Moony, we used to smoke all the time. For old times sake?"
"Hold on, just a second," Harry ordered as he waved a hand at Sirius. "This is mental. You're telling me that Hermione is Sirius, Sirius is Remus and Remus is Hermione?"
"Mhm," Sirius agreed while taking another puff.
The witch slammed down her book and stomped over, snatching the cigarette from Sirius. She tossed it in the glass of water and groaned. "I'm not emotionally prepared for this, can you please not press my buttons today, Padfoot," Remus snapped and slumped on the bed next to Hermione.
"It's alright, Remus. I promise it gets better," Hermione sighed as she touched his shoulder.
The witch tucked against the firm body Hermione was housed in and shuddered. "This is ridiculous. You feel this strongly all the time?"
"It doesn't help that I just finished," Hermione paused when the small form stiffened next to her.
"Merlin, there are some things I can handle and some I just cannot," Remus groaned.
Sirius folded his arms and scrunched his nose. "When's the next full moon?"
"Shite," Harry gasped.
"Sixteen days," Hermione grumbled.
"Sixteen days? You're telling me we have sixteen days to figure this mess out or I'm going to be stuck being Moony?"
Hermione gripped her own delicate hand and examined it. Bandages covered them, and she peeled them off. What was revealed is a swirling red irritation that looked like a spiraled blister. "These, I remember getting them after I touched you both."
Harry's scowl pinched as he bent forward. "Tell me something only Hermione would know."
Hermione cleared her throat, which was far deeper than she was used to hearing. "After the war, we spent time at the Burrow and slept in the sitting room together. Neither one of us wanted to be far away from an exit. We asked each other what we wanted now that it was over. You told me that you wished you could live a regular life. I told you I wanted to make sure no one else we loved ever had to suffer again."
His eyes grew, and he shook his head. "It is you. Merlin, how are we going to fix this?"
"We'll have to go buy some books. I think I recall a few volumes on similar magic, but nothing close to full body exchange," Remus sighed.
"That sounds like Hermione, well I suppose Remus. This is confusing," Harry grumbled.
Sirius smirked, which came off almost predatory on the werewolf's features. "I can tell you something only I know about Moony. He has a birthmark right here," Sirius snickered as he pressed a finger toward the inner portion of his thigh.
"Pads, knock that off," Remus groaned.
"Please, for the love of magic, Sirius," Hermione scrubbed her face.
"Why haven't you spoken to a healer about this?" Harry asked.
"So we can all be thrown into beds with straps and force-fed potions? No, I think not," Hermione retorted.
"She has a point. There isn't a healing method that can cure this. We have to find out what spell yanked us from the veil to figure out how to counter this," Remus responded with a nod.
Harry scratched his chin and shifted in his seat as Hermione crossed her lengthy legs. "Please, don't sit like that," Sirius sighed.
Hermione glared over at him and exhaled. "How would you prefer," she paused and slumped on her elbow while stretching her legs out with a smirk. "Is this Sirius Black approved?"
"They're going to kill each other," Remus said.
Sirius sneered and wandered over to the witch. He leaned toward the curvy form before cupping soft cheeks and kissing Remus. Hermione blinked as she was a bystander to the kiss he proactively gave her body. The surreal moment stuttered her brain for a moment. "Get off!" Hermione demanded and shoved the werewolf.
Sirius stood up smugly and crossed his arms before wiggling his eyebrows. "Don't think I don't play a dirty hand, love."
Remus, however, was very quiet as he covered glowing cheeks with wild curly hair. "Don't do that, Sirius. We have to figure this out, and attempting to annoy her will only cause more issues."
Harry cleared his throat again as he tugged his collar. "Maybe we do need help from a healer. You all are going to drive each other batty."
Hermione exhaled and shook her head. "No, we need to focus. Maybe my flat wouldn't be the best place for us all to stay."
"Well, there's always Grimmauld," Harry replied.
All three of the people in questioned winced. "Yes, nothing like home sweet home," Sirius said.
"Harry, I don't think," Hermione paused as Remus sighed.
"Can we at least settle in before we decide where would be best? Grimmauld has more rooms to hide in. Everyone can call a corner," Remus expressed with a skewed brow.
"Hiding Moony? Are you afraid to be a witch for a week?" Sirius snickered while grinning like a fool.
Hermione exhaled as she shook her head. "Okay, Grimmauld Place. Don't worry Remus, I'll," she paused with a wince. "Help you."
Remus tucked the slender legs onto the bed with a grimace. "Alright. Seeing as we don't have any other way of doing this."
"Mr. Potter, let's get the paperwork finished," A short wizard in teal announced as he dashed around the large door across the room.
Hermione watched with a hint of amusement. Harry glanced between the three disheveled people in hospital gowns. He displayed familiar characteristics of discomfort as he followed the healer out of the room.
"Okay, rules. Sirius, no disregarding Remus's body while you're in it," Hermione warned.
Remus bobbed his head and hemmed. "Same goes for us both. We need to take care of each other."
"Rule number two," Sirius smirked while fingers over his facial hair. "We're actually going to look at all possibilities instead of the ones in books."
Hermione groaned and glanced over at Remus. "How, how do you do this with him?"
Remus laughed, and the very feminine and sultry tone filled the air. "It's a challenge I can't help, Hermione."
Hermione was not happy with the state of not being in her body. She glanced at the withered animagus in the mirror that was her borrowed form as she assessed it. It was unusual not to have a pronounced chest, and tattoos just about littered his skin.
However, he had a nice classic look to his features. Beautiful grey eyes that were a family trait she could only assume by old paintings. Under the mismanaged facial hair, he actually had a lovely smile. Broad shoulders and a natural shape with undertones of muscle yearning to be worked. Handsome. She concluded with that and reached for a simple t-shirt.
She dared not to go any further. It was going to be a rough experience to enjoy bathing or anything else for that matter. It made her nauseous at the idea of touching someone she wasn't shagging. When Hermione left the bathroom, her natural body was standing in front of her- Remus seemed upset.
"Okay, I need your help," he huffed.
Hermione rose her eyebrows and hemmed. "With what?"
"This damned thing isn't as easy as I thought," He mumbled and pulled at the bra strap. "I don't want to attempt a spell and constrict myself into a bind."
She couldn't help it. Hermione laughed and nodded, pulling the witch into the bathroom. "Let me show you."
This was more her speed. Hermione assisted with removing the lavender shirt Remus picked out and winced. He had the whole thing twisted. "Remus, I know this is new for you, but you have to pay a bit of attention so you can do it by yourself," Hermione announced as he glanced away from the pronounced chest in front of him.
"I don't want to see something you wouldn't want me to," He sighed.
"Well, I think we're well beyond that," Hermione groaned as she pulled the bra from the witch's body. "Besides, I know you're not going to obsess about it in the mirror as Sirius would. You have the ability to remove yourself from the situation."
Hermione situated the fabric and pulled it back together. "Now fill it out yourself. They need to sit in the bra properly."
"What?" He spat.
Hermione rolled her eyes and turned her frame around. "Like this," she huffed and mimicked it over Sirius's chest, bending forward just in the slightest.
"Is it important for me to wear these?" Remus groaned.
"I know this isn't ideal for you, but I know we can do it if you just push down your discomfort."
The witch bobbed her head and with great care shifted her chest in the contraption. Under the curly hair, red tinted the witch's cheeks as she cupped and moved each breast. Hermione fixed the straps with a single nod. "Much better," she said.
"Wow, that's, it's, amusing," Sirius sputtered, causing both in the bathroom to glance at the door.
Remus wasn't the one to spring to action- Hermione snagged the shirt of the sink and pushed it over her own chest. She was blooming with bright color as the witch finally realized the reason. "Bugger, I'm sorry, Hermione," Remus grumbled as he shielded her chest.
Sirius wandered in and smirked at his own body. "This actually looks quite nice. Informal, but nice," he said while straightening the shirt Hermione picked.
"Pads, go on and finish dinner so I can put this back on," Remus grumbled.
"I'm finished with dinner. Moony, did you know how dry your skin is? It's an absolute mess," Sirius replied as he rolled his eyes.
Hermione rose an eyebrow. "You moisturize, Sirius?"
"Of course, love. Seeing the shape of your own skin, I can see that's sporadic for you as well. Probably would have been better if I was in your body by the looks of it," He teased while sneering at the mortified witch clinging to the shirt.
"I'm going to go set the table," Hermione sighed and marched from the room.
Remus groaned and shifted the shirt on without delay. "Pads, you can't treat her like that. We just got back, and she's just as disheveled by all of this as us."
"I'm not disheveled, Moony. I'm perfectly calm. A bit confused, but calm. I'm having an issue with you being in her body," He confessed with a grimace.
"You're having an issue," Remus huffed. "I have to touch her, and that's not a good spot for me to be in," he hissed.
Sirius smirked and cupped the witch's cheek. "Did you look at her in the mirror yet? Having a problem not finding the pretty witch attractive? You enjoyed my cousin, didn't you?"
Remus yanked from his grip and glared. "Listen, this is going to get difficult, and I don't need her brought in on our issues."
"Our issue is that you're a possessive, jealous, and sometimes prat of a boyfriend, but an outstanding partner and I missed you," Sirius sighed as he took a step toward the witch's smaller frame.
Remus's body towered over Hermione's small frame. "Padfoot, I mean it," the swivel in her tone was unmistakable.
Sirius bent and touched his lips to the soft and smooth mouth of the witch. Remus squeaked against him and attempted to pull away, but firm hands kept him in place. Old feelings mixed with the confusing concept that he was, in essence, kissing himself, made it challenging to filter through.
"We can't," Remus huffed when he pulled away. "This isn't my body, and neither is that yours."
"Kinda randy, isn't it?" Sirius teased.
Remus flicked a painted nail at his nose and glared. "Stop. I don't need her to worry about this ill-conceived idea."
That snapped Sirius out of the moment, and he cleared his throat. Taking a few steps back, Sirius nodded. "Yes, that's probably right. I'm not attracted to her. She was a little girl," he said.
"And my former student. Let's not forget that."
Sirius took a measure of the witch's body and winced. "She is quite attractive with you being the occupant, Moony."
Remus groaned and past Sirius to leave the bathroom, but his arm was gripped. "Look," he demanded.
She was staring at him in the mirror as his frame towered over hers. Sirius removed the curls from her shoulder and Remus watched in fascination. He found Hermione always a sound and lovely young woman; bright, witty, remarkably kind. However, the reflection was stunning, and his body loomed with a smirk in the vision.
Remus groaned and pushed him aside. "Randy fool-hardy marauder," he spat and stomped from the room.
Dinner was quiet. Each of them seemed to be uncomfortable talking about much. Hermione disappeared into the drawing-room after. Remus decided to form a peace offering by cooking some biscuits and bring in some tea. The first experience of his life without his condition, and he was in her body- there was guilt building off of that.
"Hello, Remus, how are you?" Hermione asked while stretched out on the sofa.
"I'm alright, how about yourself? Sirius says you haven't asked him anything yet," Remus remarked.
There was something more to that statement, but Hermione let it be.
"I am planning on not removing his pants," she teased with a very Sirius smile.
"If you do have any questions, we can help you. Just as you assisted with mine earlier."
Hermione exhaled and waved it off. "When I was potty training Teddy I learned a bit of that. I can do without the standing bit," she grumbled and set her book aside.
Remus set the tray down and sat in the opening on the sofa. "I didn't know you spent time over there," he murmured.
"Oh, yes, of course. I spent plenty of time over there. Drom needed help, and I'm sure she missed her family as much as I missed mine. I only moved out last month."
Remus hemmed and picked up a cookie. "Why?"
Hermione sat up and reached for a teacup. He made her tea just as he had done when she was younger. "I know she wanted to travel with Teddy in school and didn't want her to worry about me. She didn't want me to get lonely, so I got a flat just above the wheeze's shop in Hogsmeade. George loves that I'm able to watch the shop when he or Ron isn't there."
"To be honest with you, Hermione, I thought you would be married with children by now," he confessed tilting his head.
"No, I opted against it. Ron and I tried for a while, but it wasn't working. When it got harder, we decided to separate. I've been working at the ministry for ten years."
"How's, how's Teddy?" Remus sputtered.
"He's good. Second-year Hufflepuff. A darling child with a lust for reading and writing. Not clumsy like Tonks, but rambunctious and feisty. We spent many full moons on Drom's back porch. He listened to stories about the marauders. When all of this is done, I'll be chuffed to see you both together," she finished and took his hand.
The witch let a few tears escape and nodded. "I can't wait."
Hermione set down the teacup and pivoted entirely toward Remus. "Listen, I know it's hard being a witch, trust me," she paused with a grin. "But I know that body bloody well. You just need a bit more chocolate, patience, and a good book."
"I'm just torn. It's been two days since we were back. I loved my wife," he paused and nodded.
"But you love Sirius too. His friendship will help sooth some of that sadness. He'll help after we get back to our natural states. I promise things will look up. You can work at Hogwarts again and see Teddy there," Hermione added.
"How do you mean?" Remus sniffed and reached for a handkerchief from the witch's pocket.
"I passed quite a few laws four years ago. You'll be able to work without objection as long as you have Wolfsbane." The boyishly charming smile said it all- even in Sirius's body, she was proud of her accomplishments.
"What?"
"Well, you taught me quite a bit, Remus. However, the one thing I think you taught everyone around you is your condition doesn't make up who you are. You were my example. A class two Order of Merlin was quite an announcement of adding to my proof," Hermione laughed.
"You're a good little witch, Hermione. The brightest witch of her age," Remus sighed.
"Now, my hair is an absolute mess. Why don't you let me braid it back for you and we can get some reading done."
Remus just nodded and turned on the sofa. Hermione struggled with the more giant fingers of Sirius's body, which produced a bit of laughter between the two. However, the lurking form of the werewolf stood just out of view in the shadows of the doorway. His confusion at watching them together caused issues. Many he couldn't quite wrap his head around. The odd voice in the back of his mind was anxious… he wasn't quite sure about this mess at all.
