Chapter Thirty-Four: Selfless
Dec. 5, 2009
Dear Diary:
We just left Majyk with one more Chaos Emerald. Only two left, which normally would mean excitement since we're almost full-powered. But things have gotten super somber recently. And that's even with the fact that Nova and Shadow did get back together. And, I mean, that's great, but I wish I knew what happened there. Nova looks shaken, and Angel is looking at her…I don't know…different. And the weirdest thing is that when I asked Sonic about it, he kind of avoided the question. It kind of makes me suspicious and makes me think something might have happened between them, but also…Nova looks broken. The only time I've ever seen her remotely like this was back on Mobius when she had her nightmare because she did the magic wrong. So I'm not mad, I don't think. Maybe worried, though.
It shakes me too. Nova doesn't concede on any point, or so Sonic says, so for her to get back with Shadow so soon after breaking up with him makes me think things are really bad. If she made such a concession, admitted she was wrong, then maybe she's trying to make peace before…
And if things are bad, it almost definitely involves me and my will-I-live-or-will-I-die scenario. So it especially scares me that Sonic doesn't want to talk to me about things.
"Can you stop writing for five seconds and help me out here?"
Amy's head shot up. She blinked a few times, trying to clear away the muddled fog that came with writing and being momentarily away from the world. Across the engine room, Knuckles struggled with a piece of equipment three times his size. Amy slapped her notebook closed with a sigh and got up from her seat on the ground. "Didn't you, like, battle Yellow Zelkova on your own?" Amy said.
She braced her hands on the metal sheeting and, with Knuckles, shoved it back into place. Knuckles swiped the back of his hand across his forehead. "Yeah, and I was losing," Knuckles reminded her. "And besides, Tails sent you down here to help me, not to be such a girl."
Amy's hammer flashed to her hand in an instant, Knuckles stumbled back a step. Amy smirked. "You'd think you would've learned by now." She leaned in toward him. "You are more scared of me than you are of Sonic!"
Knuckles's eyes held firmly to Amy's hammer. "If I say yes, will you put that away?"
Amy rolled her eyes and let the hammer fall from her hands. "But I do have one condition," she told him.
Knuckles narrowed his eyes. A laugh rose in Amy's chest. At least Knuckles could be relied on to be predictable. "It's just a question," she assured him.
Knuckles picked up the white rag hanging off the machinery and stepped over to the Master Emerald. "Next time I ask Tails for help down here, I'll make sure to tell him 'anyone but Amy,'" he muttered.
"Whatever; saves me time," Amy said with a shrug. "But for now, do you think Sonic's acting weird?
"Yeah, Sonic's a weird guy."
Amy stomped her foot, which earned not even a backward glance from Knuckles. "I'm being serious! Ever since I crashed my ship, he's been quiet, at least to me." Her ears fell as she frowned. "And I think it might be my fault. I told him I was scared of him."
"Well, he's crazy," Knuckles replied.
"I think he thinks so too," Amy said softly.
Knuckles stopped polishing the Master Emerald then to glance back at her. "That much is new. He's not that perceptive. Why do you think he thinks he's crazy?"
Amy wondered why she had not brought it up with anyone sooner. Because now, as she told Knuckles how she had seen Sonic crumble in recent days, the words poured from her. She told Knuckles about Sonic's brutal battle with the Metarex in the snowstorm, how he tore it to shreds, how it was like he couldn't even hear Amy screaming at him. "He said he saw himself in the Metarex, from when he was a Metarex and how he was crazy and alone," Amy finished. "And I have no idea how to take it."
"He saw himself in some crazy, abandoned Metarex?"
"Yeah."
"Maybe because he was a crazy, abandoned Metares."
"But he wasn't!" Amy protested. "We never stopped looking for him, and he was never 'really' a Metarex, and he's not crazy. Broken and hurt, yeah, but not crazy."
Knuckles shook his head, his shoulders falling. "Doesn't matter." Knuckles stepped down from the Master Emerald's pedestal to sit on its edge. Amy warily sat down next to him. Knuckles leaned back on his hands to stare up at the ceiling. "It doesn't matter if he knows we were trying to find him. Heck, it doesn't matter if he knew it back then. The Metarex are monsters, and he was alone with them for five years as they tried to strip him of every shred of what made him who he was. I would bet money—if I had any—that he was tortured in every way imaginable. Of course he felt abandoned. Of course he felt like a Metarex. And if he came out of that without feeling at least a little bit crazy, I'd say he was crazy."
Knuckles shook his head again with a sigh. He let his gaze fall to the ground. "I'd be the first to say Sonic makes bad choices and reacts irrationally. But for the first time, I get how he feels. He couldn't come out of that and not be crazy. And with his nightmares constantly reminding him of that torture, it's no wonder he broke apart when he saw that Metarex."
Amy's heart fell. If there had been one thing she could count on, it was Knuckles disagreeing with Sonic. But even that solid fact melted away before her eyes.
Was nothing in her world solid?
"But how do I fix him?" Amy asked, her voice breaking.
Knuckles turned to her, his eyes narrowed. Amy swallowed hard. "You can't," he said, "no one can. Not even him. You can't just undo that damage. After all he's faced, he's always going to be crazy."
Amy's hands shook until her arms shivered with them. She balled her hands into fists and shoved them into her lap. "Is that why he keeps going to Nova? Instead of me?!" Amy's voice shook and she coughed to try to cover it up.
"This isn't about you!" Knuckles said. "You're so focused on what happens to you someday instead of what's happening to Sonic right now. He's hurt, and if Nova distracts him from that, of course he's going to her."
"But why not me?" Amy cried. Tears burned in her eyes and blurred Knuckles around the edges. "Is it because he loves her?"
"I don't know!" Knuckles replied, bewildered. "Why do you think I'm the person to ask that? Maybe arguing with her is distracting or he relates to her on some level, I don't know. He's broken and lost, and he's trying to fight his way out And if you ask me, I'd say it's not working."
-(-)-
Amy wandered the halls in a fog. As much as Knuckles claimed he knew nothing about these things, knew nothing about love, knew nothing about emotional turmoil, he sure seemed to have more insight than Amy. She thought about what he said, that maybe Sonic related to Nova more than he related to Amy on some level. Sonic and Nova had obviously had some sort of heart-to-heart that ended with Nova getting back together with Shadow.
For the first time, Amy considered the connection between Sonic and Nova might be something other than romantic. Maybe Sonic wasn't interested in Nova. But maybe he needed her in some other way.
Amy stopped abruptly where she stood, glad to be the only one in the hallway. She struggled to gather a full breath as her pounding heart strangled her lungs. Maybe, in the battle of Amy or Nova, Nova really was the better choice for him, regardless of whatever choice he wanted to make. It wasn't something Amy had ever considered before. Amy had always been too busy thinking about what Sonic meant to her, what their relationship meant to her, that she had never stopped to think.
Their relationship had been built from Sonic's being a prisoner of the Metarex. They had built everything up on a broken foundation. She had gotten all she'd ever wanted from Sonic just clinging to life.
How had she missed how broken Sonic was all this time? She'd been so selfish. Her heart shattered in her chest. She stumbled over to the wall. Her shoulder collapsed against it to keep herself upright. Sonic needed support, but all Amy had done was demand and fight for his support of her. She had abandoned him to fight this battle on his own. And being alone was his worst fear.
Amy was his worst fear.
Tears blurred Amy's vision until she wasn't sure if she was staring at the floor or the ceiling. No wonder Sonic's fears had recently been escalating. It was all her fault. Sonic kept going to Nova for help, and Amy yelled at him for it, only to tell him that she didn't trust him no matter what he did, even as he tried to do as Amy asked. Which only left Sonic broken. And it was Amy's fault.
Which meant if Amy wanted to fix Sonic, she was going to have to do the one thing she never thought she would do.
Amy forced herself to continue down the hall. Every step felt like a war inside her veins and like a swim outside her body. She let go of herself, allowed herself to believe none of this was real. This was all a dream. Not just now, but her whole life. This was not her body. This skin she walked in was no more than an illusion.
Or maybe her life was just an incredible fairy tale, complete with knight in shining armor. Except, instead of armor, he wore red sneakers. In fairy tales, the knight always saved a beautiful girl. But not just any girl.
A princess.
Amy swallowed hard to choke down a sob. Not real, not real, it would be easier if she believed none of it was real. She twisted the fairy tale in her head. The knight was fearless, selfless. Amy needed to be the knight.
She stopped in front of the door to Sonic's room and froze. She closed her eyes tight against her tears and wrote the ending to the story. One where Sonic smiled again, living unburdened because he had someone to share that burden with. One where he watched his daughter grow up surrounded by love and magic. One where he only needed to be the hero for that one little girl. One where he lived and ran and laughed. One where he was repaired.
The door slid open, and Sonic jolted up in bed at the sound. "Amy?" he said. His expression changed quickly from one of confusion to one of concern. "What's the matter?"
Amy took a deep breath and said, as firmly as she could, despite how every fraction of her soul shattered beneath the surface of her skin, "I'm breaking up with you."
