Notes: Trans male character, relationships and their complexities, aromantic character, the use of a profane word
Chapter Five - Purple - 1978
Izumi Koushiro struggles with courage.
Figuratively of course. Bravery has never been one of his strong suits. It's mostly blunt honesty covered by ignorance to the mood. Taichi would say he was brave of course, but Taichi could see courage in getting out of bed every day.
It's endearing, embarrassing and somehow, makes him ache.
Koushiro doesn't struggle with observation. He records his cycle meticulously, budgets with care, notices his coworker looking at the girl at the school canteen like she holds the world on her drastically underpaid shoulders and steers him away before he makes a fool of himself each time.
He notices the way Taichi and Meiko hold hands in public, and the way he fumbles over ribbons and sketchpads with her favorite brand of pen. He notices the way Taichi smiles at him is the exact same curve of a line and makes his dimples all the more obvious. He notices the way he listens to Koushiro now, scribbling in pen and nodding along even when he doesn't understand half of it. He's invested in a way his friend had used to be in soccer, and at the moment Koushiro isn't sure if that interest is in his work or in Koushiro himself.
Koushiro doubts, of course. He hadn't known that Taichi had an interest in those parts of adulthood, let alone the romantics of it, even with his crush on Sora, or even the logistics.
Mimi is certain of the latter. "He acted like I was the father sending off their kid on a prom date," she had told him, though her eyes had been troubled and uncomfortable and when pressed had only insisted that was Koushiro's job to ask about.
So he had intended to, but every week on the dot they sat down with their projects and homework and as he calculated formulas and debated the ethics of prosthesis when no one knew about the tiny parts, the rest of him had watched Taichi on the other side of him, watched him chew his ugly plastic cartoon pens and furrow his brow like the paper had insulted him. He would scratch at words slowly, cautiously, and it would be late before they realized it. And he would forget. And they'd celebrate with Taichi's carefully made omurice and cans of cola and tea.
And he'd keep forgetting, day after day of doing this. But today they don't sit down with homework. Koushiro's papers are stacked neatly to the right of steaming tea mugs, Taichi has a legal folio and Meiko is sitting across from him.
The nervous high schooler isn't gone exactly, but the lack of that father, whatever kind of person he might have been, seemed enough to get an easier smile, and a smoother pair of glasses. Her hair is short now, and she looks at him like he's opened up a box of her favorite candies and given her the best flavor.
"He'll be here soon," she says with a sigh. "New York train lines and he thought we needed a better fare than a fast meal."
Koushiro grimaces. "Of course." His grimace warped into a smile before he could quite stop it. "Is there any particular reason why?"
Not why was she here of course not. They were roommates not lovers (and boy did that jab at his gut) and Meiko was just as eager to hear about Koushiro's theories as everyone else. And also to message Hikari, since it was rare they heard from her.
"We'd like to speak with you about something important," Meiko replies, looking him in the eye. "For all of us."
This is it, he thinks before the thought can quite derail. They want to move in and they want me to stay but I'll be a third wheel and-
"I see." He stops, awkwardly, before the bile spills out. Since it's no one's fault, not even his, that this situation is even happening. It just did.
Meiko doesn't mean any harm or to hurt him at all. They just happen to both love the same person, and it makes things difficult for everyone because she can say yes and he… can't. Not without going back in the closet.
And not even Taichi is worth that. And Taichi would never ask him to.
Meiko doesn't look at him directly either. Rather she looks at the dumb beta fish that they had gotten as a joke gift from Takeru-kun on Christmas that he still can't understand. Still, she talks and he makes himself listen.
"Taichi and I would like you to join our relationship," she says.
And yes there it is there's the- wait.
"I… I beg your pardon?"
Meiko nods, looking expectant. "Taichi and I have thought about this for a while. He likes you, very much and you've been very kind to me. And while that isn't necessarily the basis for love, it can be. And I don't want you two, who are close, to separate because of strange outdated ethical codes, and I don't want either of us to have to choose to be unhappy for the sake of those either. I believe we all deserve the opportunity to try."
"I…" He stops and reaches for his favorite diversion tactic: blunt honesty. "I was expecting you to tell me I had to move out within a certain date because you were moving in."
She smiles. "I expected that was what Taichi would tell me when he brought this up. He loves you, well, much as society expects him to anyway. Those sorts of feelings are rather foreign to him."
"You make him sound like a sociopath," Koushiro says, a little sourness on his tongue.
She shakes her head no, eyes widening. "Not at all! He just doesn't understand romance, he doesn't have romantic feelings for someone in the way we know it as. It's complicated for him and I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I feel that way and you do as well."
"You talk to Mimi-san too much," he accuses without any bite.
She laughs. "She's my best friend, Koushiro."
He smiles because he understands, he does. But he sobers because the rest of it is still… afraid. "So… he won't ever love me?"
"He already does," Meiko says in that way that toddlers are taught to say that the sky is blue, even though it's not because we can't see the color and the ocean isn't blue, blue is a god damn construct of a concept for describing things more easily it's all fake. "I can't promise to you or prove it to you, but I'm positive about it. We had to figure out our system and we'll do it again. With you."
Koushiro is torn between joy at the hope of it, fear of learning another social dance when he struggles with all the rest, and exhaustion at the idea that they have no way of being certain, and it could all be under the veil of "they think Izumi Koushiro is a normal boy with a lump of flesh between his legs who isn't sporty and wears boxers and may lean towards liking other men, who stays indoors with turtlenecks as people outside die from AIDS because the world is full of homophobic bastards and cowards in power".
Meiko is still looking at him. He swallows because she's been honest with him, in the good way, the certain way that's full of courage. And he needs that courage.
"Could I tell you a secret?" he asks. "And you won't drive me out even then?"
Meiko pauses, puzzlement creeping in behind her lenses. "Sure," she says. "I'll tell you one of mine and Taichi's if you want. It's fair that way."
Meiko always thinks of fairness, maybe not in fairness, but of it and maybe that's why she's learned five different variations of braille and some curse words in Dutch.
"All right," he agrees because he doubts they'll get there. She nods and waits for him to say it, which takes a few minutes of not backing out. "I wasn't born a boy," Koushiro finally says, cheeks flaming, heart thumping loudly.
There's a little silence, and he can't see anything because he's shut his eyes to her reaction. Koushiro doesn't quite understand how he could say it to Meiko and not Taichi but he's done it now so it's probably best to start packing his things.
"So you weren't born with a penis?"
Koushiro blinks his eyes open and meets her gaze properly. She looks curious, hands neat in her lap and not spewing… some kind of heavy emotions.
"I…" he flushes harder. "No, not really." It's more than that, a lot more, really but he only really wants to explain it once.
Meiko hums. "So you have periods?"
He swallows his tongue. "Unfortunately."
"Mm." She licks her lips and then shrugs. "Well, all right."
Koushiro admits his jaw fell open. "I… What?"
Meiko smiles wearily. "I don't really understand it but… all right. I'm willing to. Besides, I'm not really able to judge if I'm honest."
That trail of thought is sufficiently disturbing enough that he almost doesn't want to know. Almost. "I see."
She nods, a bit smug. "Taichi helped me discover I like sharp teeth. Can't get much weirder than that."
Koushiro is pretty sure that they can, but he's more disturbed by that and admittedly terribly curious. "And… and how did he do that?" They're implying they want to work out a three way romantic relationship is this what they talk about?
Meiko shrugs, but it's a little too forced, her shoulders up a little too sharp and down a little too fast. "Well, he has them, I'd have to have figured it out somewhere."
"What."
Taichi comes in at that exact pause, arms laden with bags of food. At the sight of them with their cheeks flushed and looking away from each other like they committed several debaucherous crimes, he pouts. "You were supposed to wait for me."
This is too much and they both start laughing, Koushiro near hysteria at the utter put outness he's having flow off of him like waves.
"Well, we can start again for you, if you want," Meiko says once she can breathe. "We didn't get to the part of you on one knee with two rings and a goofy smile on your face."
"A goofy smile you like, I might add," Taichi shoots back, smiling at Koushiro like he's doing something important. Koushiro flushes at the implication. But he sits back, lets Taichi serve the food. But then the man settles back, thumbing on something, the old cell phone from before the end of their world.
"That's how Hikari-san messages you," Koushiro says.
Mimi had hinted that was going to happen.
Taichi looks at him, square in the eyes (Koushiro twitches) and then nods. "Got it in one."
Koushiro swallows a bite and looks to Meiko. She nods, smiles encouragingly. Koushiro thinks about it.
There are pros and cons to this, there's so much to talk about. How they will work, how to handle the whispering and rumors, the hell that will come, the idea of children, how taxes will work, how the others will handle it. There was so much to talk about and everywhere to start. But it also comes with the possibility of being happy.
How was he supposed to say no to that?
As he's thinking, Meiko is leaning casually onto Taichi's shoulder in the most shameless affection possible (for Japanese couples, the time they were in, and the casualness is almost awe inspiring) to look at the screen. She lets out a giggle.
"We haven't even proposed yet," Taichi says, tossing the phone onto the table with a huff.
"She said she was ringing wedding bells," Meiko translates, still giggling. Koushiro hears himself laugh.
They don't talk for a while, not about this. They eat and chat about their day. Taichi tells them about the incident on the subway, Meiko shows them a slow sentence in JSL and Koushiro tells them about his friends who are bonding over mechanical exoskeletons.
("They're boning," Taichi tells him with a pitying look on his face.
"Well yes, I know that," Koushiro shoots back with a huff. "As long as it's not on the table. The materials are kept clean for a reason."
Meiko fails to control her own laughter.)
That before Koushiro's realized it, he's sitting beside them, watching a movie. Something they've probably seen a dozen times and thought nothing of until now.
"You know," he says after a while. "We will need to be honest with each other to make this work, including myself."
Taichi nods at him, Meiko looking sleepily at them both. It was rather late. "We'll certainly try to be," Taichi says to him in return. "I can't make promises, but I'm going to work to be."
"Me as well."
Koushiro clasps his hands together so they don't shake. "So then," he says, voice trembling with the secret he's locked up for almost twenty years. "Where do we start?"
