A short one for today, thank you for the kind words and reading at all! :)
Part 3
Sitting on the edge he ran his hands through his hair. She was standing now and fiddling with her phone charger at the nearby desk. Watching her walk used to captivate him for all the wrong reasons and now he grimaced as she seemed to wince with each step. Her pain was a nightmare for him.
She put on 'I want to be adored' by the Stone Roses and he nearly gave a bitter laugh. For all the years he'd been quietly adoring her while opening hating on her, she'd had to have known just a bit. He knew it wasn't for him though, besides being of the right age in the right city to love the bloody song, this was for her husband. Not him. And until a few days ago he'd thought of her as such as well. For his brother, not for him. But his thoughts upon seeing this blasted warrior of a woman try to recover alone mixed with seeing Paul out with some bottle blond in town - he couldn't even make himself think the way he used to. No matter what hell that meant for him now. Denial was a damn beautiful thing and he didn't have the luxury of denying anything much anymore.
She swayed only by a wee bit and leaned on the desk. "It were not the first time, I'm sure," she said with more neutrality than he'd expected. Where was the Carr who would burn it all down if need be? That was just it though, she never was that. She was smoke and mirrors in the most perfect and painful way - an illusion of vengeance and fire when she always fucking took it on the chin when push came to shove. He was only starting to understand that may be the real ironic tragedy of her life. Imagine all the semblance of blazing power and never the rewards. The derision when she never even got her way.
If she caught him pitying her, she'd end him - that much strength he did know to be there. Or maybe just because it was him.
"Leebugs?" She said, nodding her head a bit. "What are ya like? You know I hate pity more than anything…. I'd rather suffer anything but pity - well okay, it's a second to being forced to look and talk like the factory lot. But a close second."
He smirked and looked up at her. "It's not pity, love. It's rage. Pure fucking rage. And at you too."
"At me? What the 'ell did I do?!" She asked with a rough laugh. "Surgery, being cheated on… where do I come in as the bad guy?"
"If this isn't the first time… why is he walking properly?"
"Ah." she nodded and then again knowingly to herself more than at him. "I… I only had vague suspicions as it were. Literally zero proof. He's never not wanted me .." She put the emphasis, that painful and verbal italics on the 'wanted' and he coughed a little. "He's a prick, but I kept thinking a secure one in some ways that mattered. He's doing well. I am doing well. I put up with him…. And he wants me. I dunno. I guess I thought I was being fucking paranoid didn't I? Like a fucking cliche wee girl to imagine coldness meant cheating. That lies meant a lot more lies."
"You're not a cliche, but he fucking is…." Liam ran off mumbling "Bloody midlife crisis."
"Meh," she shrugged.
"Meh?" He was nearly incensed. "So that's it then, this is okay with you?! 'Cos I can you what kid, it's not okay with me. Not by a bloody fucking mile."
He stood up and walked past her to the window, hands once again ruining his hair.
"You think this is okay to me? Do you even know me Lee? I'm a nightmare woman if I feel hard done by."
"Another lie." He mumbled.
"What?"
"Lies. You are literally always hard done by and you pretend and go along with the 'oh big bad scary bossy Carla bit.' and I'm only just seeing how tired you should fucking be."
She laughed and shook her head bitterly. "
"What?"
"Nothing it's just… how bloody nice for you that you're only now seeing what I live me whole life like."
"If you know it's true then why let it be…"
"I rather be seen as a bitch than a doormat Liam. Even if the latter is true."
"The don't…"
"Don't be a doormat?" She interrupted.
He nodded weakly.
"Tell that to your da, or Michelle when your mum decides to control their life choices. Tell that to yourself when you can't ever tell your own brother to sod off. Not so easy is it?"
"It's different…. we're talking about you. You. the epitome of strong and…"
"Fantasy."
"What?"
"I'm a strong powerful fantasy. Someone people like to see as strong because there needs to be some of us to look up to and loathe at the same bloody time…"
"Fuck fantasy, you're family, Carr…"
"Aye. Your family. Chelle's family. Ryan's family. In case you forgot there is someone who ties us all together and it's not Helen - not for me anyway."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, I was trying to preserve the fragile ecosystem of the Carlaopod"
He made a confused face and she laughed.
"Daft… as always. I mean I guess I was trying to keep us together - even though sometimes, if I am perfectly honest - I wish I had other people, better people."
"Ta."
"Stronger people. And you're welcome. But this is what I 'ave hmm.. And I guess not for much longer. He really did it for me, ripping the band-aid… If he's cheated I can't pretend to forgive him. Ever."
"I don't…"
"I mean I guess this will be the end of Christmas Leebugs, and it's only July." At his confused face she stepped closer, wincing only a little. It was funny how rage and sadness could momentarily medicate physical pain. "I know where you will have to be. And where I will not longer be welcome or wanting to be."
"You cow. You think Chelle and I would just… not ever speak to you?"
"You'll speak to me, this I know, but how can it be the same. I won't be a Connor anymore. Not really."
She didn't know how much this hurt him and brought him joy. That losing Paul was a pathetic side not to what really scared her. Losing them. He was part of that them and it would be enough to bring him the most pathetic sense of joy starting now and ending never.
"I'm not too proud now - " she motioned to her body. "Injured and in me jammies to tell you that I will miss this. Miss you doing my head in on the regular and even Chelle's 'me me me' stories. I guess I am still Ryan's hot aunt but -"
"Mardy cow," He laughed and pulled her close, a little too quicky, cradling her against him, kissing her hair. He'd meant for more, felt an urge to lay his lips softly on hers and ignored that urge for the umpteenth time and held her tight.
She was motionless and slowly wrapped her arms around him.
His lips were close to her ear and she shivered at the slight tickle and heat.
"I'm not going anywhere. It were him that hurt you. It were him that you couldn't even call to tell him what you went through. He may be my brother, Carr but you're my… you're in my life alright."
She held him tighter and let herself also relax more into him. "I…"
"I don't even know who I'd fight with properly without you… and who would come to concerts and movies with me huh? I mean sure, it's me, I could find any number of willing people" At this she laughed and he felt warmth on his chest. Tears. "But we look presentable and who the hell else would be good enough to accompany all this out and about?"
He pitched his side and he smiled against her hair.
"So I won't have to miss you is what you're trying to say, you soppy git?"
"He stroked her hair and pinched her back. "Nope…."
"I'll miss this room though." She said under her breath.
He was still for a while. Unsure how long. And then moved her away a bit to look at her.
"You know I'm only a soft touch because of surgery right?"
"Of course." He said flatly. "Now on that note. Get back to bed."
"You're staying."
A careful question and a not so gentle command all at once. Her.
"Yeah."
tbc.
