Thank you all for the heartfelt reviews! I think I can't bear to watch it when this topic eventually comes up in Young Sheldon... :(
Anyway, get your tissues ready, Sheldon is still grieving...
-Chapter 9-
Confusion, grief and pain continued to rule Sheldon's mind in the weeks and months after his father died.
There were times when his college studies seemed to be a helpful distraction. Sheldon was still very excited by the sheer amount of possibilities the field of theoretical physics opened up to him.
But then there also were heavy pangs of loss, hitting him forcefully every day at dinner time. When he looked to his left where his father was supposed to sit at the end of the table and his eyes only met with an empty chair. Then he would turn to his mother, who shared his mournful look of grief, and instead of his father's he would hold her hand while they were saying grace.
Whenever Sheldon thought about his dad, a feeling of constriction in his chest assailed him; a heavy weight covering the area around his heart, making it hard for him to breathe.
Sometimes it was only just bearable, sometimes it was worse. Sometimes it hurt so bad that he stood up from wherever he was at the moment and ran to the graveyard. There he would kneel at his dad's final resting place, hoping to experience some sort of comfort by being close to him. No matter how illogical that seemed to Sheldon.
But only when Amy came and found him – often times drenched in tears – he was really able to relax.
That actuality caused Sheldon even more puzzlement. The way she made him feel, the way he apparently needed her to function since his father's passing… it frightened him. He seemed to be dependent on her. Sheldon could not understand why. He always used to be the happiest on his own.
Oh, don't fool yourself; that was a long time ago, Sheldon realized. Ever since Amy wormed her way into my world, she changed me. She makes me feel. She makes me vulnerable.
The more Sheldon thought about this the more scared he got. His previous concerns reappeared: What if something happened to her? What if she feels disturbed by the fact that he was getting emotional on a regular basis recently? Their connection always seemed to be based on their mutual level of intelligence and social ineptness. What if they grew apart, because he changed so much?
Sheldon thought about his family, who was still dealing with grief, too. What if something would happen to any of them?
Mom? Meemaw? Missy? Even Georgie?
How much more could he take? How much more could Amy take? Caring for him must be getting tedious eventually.
Sheldon often woke up from nightmares filled with all those questions. They swirled around in his head like a spinning top, faster and faster, blocking out every other reasonable thought. Again, it was a sensation like drowning.
He hated being overwhelmed by his own mind. Something like that had never happened to him before. He was always the master of all his senses. He was the one in control and Sheldon desperately wanted it back. He needed this feeling of control, otherwise he feared he would turn mad.
A decision was made during one of those terrible nights when he woke up screaming. Missy came over to his bed, sitting at the edge and trying to get him to tell her about his latest dream.
"I need to get away." Sheldon simply rasped to her, catching his breath.
"Get away from what?" Missy asked with a worried frown.
"From everything." Sheldon said. "I need to get away from Medford, from all of you, from grieving, from… Dad."
Missy laid a hand upon his shivering arm. "You can't run away from these feelings, Sheldon."
"Maybe not, but I can put some distance between me and everything that reminds me of Dad. I can't go on like this." he stated. "I'm… I'm suffocating, I can't think anymore. I'm confronted with too many feelings at once." Sheldon paused, gathering his courage and looked directly at his sister. "I need to get away to refocus… to calm down, to work."
"Work?" Missy repeated carefully. "What are you talking about? You're only fourteen."
"Yes, I'm a fourteen-year-old college senior." Sheldon stressed. "I could do my dissertation, I could study elsewhere, get a doctorate or two. I could do so much more, Missy. Continuing to live here is stopping me."
Missy's eyes widened in shock. "You don't mean that." she said, her voice trembling slightly with fear for her brother.
"I do." Sheldon breathed in deeply, confirming his statement. "I never was more certain about anything in my life."
Missy actually started to blink rarely seen tears away. "But… but what about us? We're your family… and what about Amy?"
Sheldon looked at his twin, realizing that she was on the verge of falling apart. Knowing all too well how that must feel, he sat up straighter and leaned towards her to give her an awkward, stiff hug. Missy hugged him back and quietly began sobbing.
Sheldon patted her back. Giving affection still didn't come easily for him, but he had to try for his sister; the person who introduced Amy to him.
Amy.
Incomprehensibly, her name suddenly caused him to get goosebumps all over.
"I will miss you all." Sheldon whispered to Missy.
The day he told Amy about his plans of moving would forever be ingrained in Sheldon's mind as the third worst day of his life since losing Dad and Pop-Pop.
It was already bad enough when he told his mother. She had been so upset that she outright forbade Sheldon from leaving her, too. But he stood his ground, explaining that this was what he needed to do, that he wouldn't leave her forever and that he would call her as many times as she wanted him to.
Eventually, Mary only accepted her youngest son's decision because Meemaw assured her that she believed in Sheldon's success and that Mary needed to let him find his own way. However, she demanded that he would come straight home when he was faced with an obstacle that overwhelmed him.
Sheldon promised.
But telling Amy… was so much worse.
Sheldon waited for her, sitting on the white bench on the front porch of his home. Amy waved at him from afar as she came closer on the pavement. She was no longer escorted by her mother, but still kept on a tight leash. Mrs. Fowler insisted that Amy reported the afternoon activities at the Cooper's house back to her and even checked back with Mary if she had any doubts about Amy's honesty. At least she gave up on punishing her with the sin closet since that eventually proved to show very little effect.
"Hi, Sheldon." Amy greeted cheerfully and sat down beside him.
"Hello." Sheldon mumbled more towards his lap than into her face.
"What are we doing today?" she asked. "Since you finished your final exams last week, and no doubt exceled at them, can we now focus on my recently developing interest for neuroscience? It's fascinating what you can do with an MRI." she beamed. "I've managed to get an apprenticeship in the hospital's lab. Sure, they're not letting me do anything interesting yet, but…" Amy paused her exciting tale. "Sheldon, are you listening?"
"What? Yes, of course… I'm listening." he said distractedly.
"No, you're not. What's the matter? You look like you're thinking very hard of something."
Sheldon sighed, balling his hands into nervous fists and then tugging them beneath his legs to keep them from jittering. "Thinking about it is no longer the problem." he said. "I've come to a conclusion; I'm just contemplating what would be the best way to… tell you about it."
A small crease appeared on Amy's forehead. "I would suggest trying to use words." she said with the hint of an insecure smile on her face.
"If that would only be so easy." Sheldon sighed again. "I… I'm afraid you probably won't like what I'm going to tell you, but I need you to understand that I can't be dissuaded from my plan. It's a decision I had to make and everything is already settled."
Amy's frown deepened; worry now clearly seeped into her features as well as anticipated fear. "Wh-What is already settled? Tell me, Sheldon."
He took a deep breath before lifting his gaze to finally look into her eyes when the words came tumbling out of his mouth. Like a band-aid, he thought, it's better to rip it off quickly.
"I'm going away at the end of the summer to conclude my studies in particle physics at the University of Heidelberg in Germany. They've got a very impressive physics department and I'm aspiring to get my first doctorate at least by the age of sixteen."
He paused, studying Amy's expression. She seemed to be frozen in shock, blankly staring at him like her soul left her body for a moment. "Amy?" he asked carefully. "Please… say something."
Amy blinked. Life returned to her, but her eyes were still dull and deeply saddened.
"Just… anything." Sheldon continued to plead.
"What for?" Amy finally replied with a rasp. Clearing her throat, she added, "Your mind seems to be made up. I can't talk you out of this even if I wanted to."
"Y-You mean… you don't want me to go?"
Amy's face reddened quickly. "Of course not." she snapped. "Why would I want you to go away from here?"
"B-Because it's important and necessary for my educational growth." Sheldon replied sheepishly; he was slightly intimidated by Amy's forceful reaction. "You know that… the Nobel Prize doesn't win itself. I-I need to work for it."
"But why Germany? Why this far away? I won't be able to visit you without traveling half across the globe." Amy stated fiercely. "What about your family? Don't they want to have you close?"
"Well, first of all…" Sheldon explained. "Like I said, Heidelberg is a very prestigious university and I wanted to take the best chances that were offered to me. Once they received my CV they practically glutted me with scholarships. And secondly, my family and I already made arrangements to keep contact. I drafted a call schedule for Mom, Meemaw and Missy. Georgie seems to be mad at me for some reason and refuses to talk to me…" Sheldon paused in thought. "B-But I could add you to the list… if you want."
"Oh, I can't think of anything that would make Georgie mad at you." Amy only huffed, crossing her arms and turning away from him to look straight ahead.
"Amy… I realize you get your rare sarcastic tendencies from Missy and you know I'm not very good with that." Sheldon admitted honestly. "Are you really as unclear as me about Georgie's temper problem? Because if you have any idea what's wrong with him then it would be a great help if you'd tell me."
Amy continued to stare ahead, blinking furiously. "Maybe your brother isn't as stupid as you always say he is and he recognizes the real reason for your leaving." she said with a strange hitch in her voice, as if she was fighting against a growing lump in her throat.
"Which would be?" Sheldon inquired.
Amy abruptly turned around, her green eyes glowering fiery. "That you're running away from your emotions. I know losing your dad hurt, but this isn't a solution!"
"I'm not running away." Sheldon claimed. "It's true that I feel overwhelmed and I'm trying to sort through this chaos by distancing myself from the main source of my troubles."
"But… but I can help you with that." Amy let a tiny sob escape, startling Sheldon. "I… I thought you were getting better recently. You didn't run off to the cemetery nearly as often as in the beginning. I-I thought I helped." Angrily, Amy wiped a stray tear from her eye.
"You did." Sheldon said softly, but keeping his trembling hands trapped beneath his legs, because he didn't know how or if he should touch Amy to grant comfort. "But I also felt better because I focused on tasks I had to do previous to moving. You see… it's my way of… of coping… with losing dad. Plus, I always intended to graduate at a better, renowned university anyway… so… this loss only sped up my future plans."
"But why?" Amy repeated desperately, pounding her clenched fists upon her legs. "Why so far away from here? Why do you feel like you need to get away from everyone who… who would support you?" Amy could no longer hide the fact that she was crying.
Dreadfully insecure about the social protocols in this upsetting situation, Sheldon could only sink his head and swallow sheepishly. It was silent except for Amy's muffled, hiccupping sobs. Sheldon gazed up and down the street ahead of him, too afraid to look at her. His eyes watered slightly. "Would you… really want to visit me?" he asked timidly instead of answering her frantic questions.
"I-I would." Amy's voice trembled. "But now I can't. You're going to be completely alone over there. Is that what you want?" When Sheldon was still unable to answer, she added, "It is, isn't it? That's what you said when I met you. That you don't need anyone. Least of all, me."
Even socially inept Sheldon could hear Amy's heart breaking into pieces. "Amy…" he said quietly. "It's just to… clear my head. I need to do this. Please, understand."
"You know what…" Amy said, sounding stronger now despite the tears that rolled down her cheeks. "I wondered why you didn't answer me on the day of the funeral when I said I wouldn't leave you ever. I guess, you already knew back then that you wanted to go away. You made me promise that I'd be careful… you were saying goodbye… it all makes much more sense now."
Sheldon frowned at Amy, unable to follow her logic as she miraculously unraveled his inner, unconscious thoughts to him.
"But let me tell you something…" she continued. "I don't want you to leave me, either… so… please understand…" she sniffed. "That I'm very sad and angry with you for going away, nonetheless, and that I can't see you right now because of it."
Abruptly, Amy stood up from the bench, hurried down the steps and ran away without looking back.
Sheldon's movements were too slow to stop her. Mechanically, he stood up as Amy long since left the property. "Amy, wait." he said weakly. She didn't turn around, probably didn't even hear him. "Amy." he called again. A tear rolled over his right cheek and dripped to the ground. "Please, don't go."
Aww, I know, I know... hold out, it's going to get better, I promise!
Please keep reviewing while you dry your tears ;)
