A thousand shades of breaking

They had been driving for hours after Cas had called Dean with the general directions. They cut a zigzag path to Syracuse until Dean drove too far ahead of Cas' truck to be seen.

When Castiel, at last, caught up to Dean, he was in a ditch. He had driven Baby off the road, got her stuck in the mud. Cas feared the worst as he pulled over and ran to his friend.

He found Dean slumped over in the driver's seat. For a split second, the angel felt a stab in his stomach that shot needles into his eyes. What if he had just lost his humans? What if the world had just come down in a thousand shades of breaking?

"Dean…"Castiel whispered as he placed his hand over Dean's heart.

Dean shuddered, waking up. As it would turn out, he had simply collapsed from his stress-induced exhaustion. He was asleep.

"Cas, why did you wake me up?" Dean's eyes searched the horizon. Sam was out there, over that hazy blue line. Sam was also behind Dean's eyes, having been the star-player in whatever dream he'd been seeing.

"Because you were crashed in a ditch and I feared the worst…" Cas sat in the shotgun seat. Dean turned to look at him, face dark and frightening now. The emotion from earlier was gone. It was as if stone plaster, all of marble white, had been applied to his cheeks. The man was gone.

"The worst has already happened." Dean nodded, chin tilting down.

"You don't know that yet...He could be…"Cas' voice cracked and fell. Because he didn't believe that. Dean knew he didn't believe that. Lying would do no good.

"He could be, but he's not...You know he's not." Dean's eyes floated into the distance.

"Even if he fights it, and he will fight it…"Dean shook his head now so tired.

"His head has taken so many hits...He's not gonna be himself. Either it will crack his soul to smithereens or he will turn again...If he turns…"Dean nodded to Ruby's knife.

"No, Dean…Please...there has to be a way. We can cure him like we did you…"Cas' bottom lip trembled.

"No, Cas...No, you know that when they get done with him, all the regular tricks will be out the window." Dean swallowed, lips quaking for a moment.

"If it comes to that, I'm gonna do for him what needs to be done. He'd do it for me...And if I do it...God help me, Cas. If I do it, I will know for certain that the most as possibly can be done is being done to make sure it doesn't hurt the real lost and scared soul that would be under it all…" Dean shook his head.

"I love him too...You could let me do it. I would put him to sleep. He wouldn't feel a thing." Cas felt his hands shake at the horrible thing he was suggesting. Dean took a deep breath.

"No, Cas...Buddy, I know, believe me, I know you mean well, but it's gotta be me. He…"Dean swallowed and looked Cas in the eyes. He took him by the trench coat's collar to get his attention. Cas felt his eyes go wide.

"You want it to be you because you know you can't bear it. You want your heart to explode so if he dies, so do you…"Cas felt like his world would fall apart.

"Listen to me...Please...You care about me too, right? Care about us both?" Dean was desperate now, braiding his fingers in the coat. Cas felt his blood and grace run cold.

"Dammit, Dean...Don't give me an ultimatum. You know I love you both more than I even care about my own brothers…"Cas bit his lip. Dean nodded.

"I just need you to understand that...After what sh-sh-she did…"Dean's voice was almost gone, spirit flickering like a candle in a gust. Cas held his breath.

"I'm not me anymore." Dean's voice cracked. Cas felt his stomach churn. He hugged his friend then, hard and close. Dean laid his face on Cas' shoulder, ragdoll limp.

Cas put his fingers in Dean's hair.

"I know…I'm...I'm sorry…" Cas pulled Dean closer. Dean let out another shaky breath.

"Even if he was to make it...I don't know. Me and him...This is it. This is the straw that breaks the camel's back or whatever…" Dean nodded, clinging to Cas like a toddler clings to his mother. Cas felt the absence of the boy Dean's mother in his whole person. Sometimes as strong as they were Castiel forgot that Dean and Sam were orphan children somewhere deep inside.

Dean took Cas' hand roughly and pressed it over his heart.

"When the time comes, I want you to understand. You have done so much for me and S-" Dean's throat cracked and hiccuped on his brother's name. It looked like he wouldn't be able to utter it for a long time yet, but Cas nodded. He understood.

"It ain't fair to ask, Cas...We care about you too, you know? But...When the time comes...And it's time for me to break. I need you to let me. When it's time to put the old horse down, I want you to let me come to pieces. Let my heart bust and let me go, buddy…" Dean nodded.

Cas leaned back a little and cupped Dean's chin.

"Dean…"

"Please, Cas. I can't." Dean tried to look away but Cas cupped his chin firmly in his palm.

"Look at me, child…" Cas nodded, trying to remind Dean how much older than him he really was. Dean's eyes went a bit wide in surprise, but he nodded.

"If it comes to that, then yes...Yes, Dean, as impossible as it will be. I will love you both to the last and let you go if it will hurt less. But, Dean, if there's even a prayer that you can be saved, and that you can live? You need to let me try to heal you...Both of you." Cas nodded.

Dean swallowed.

"Okay…"

"Now, move over…"

"What?"

"Dean, I'm driving."

"Cas-really?"

"I'm driving and you're sleeping. No more questions. Don't make me knock you out myself." Cas grinned sheepishly. Dean nodded. They switched seats.