It had been two days since they were back to the lair. Everything seemed to be back to normal. Master Splinter was alive and Earth was saved - the best happy ending he could ask for! But something behind his head told him otherwise and he could no longer ignore it. He needed to discuss this topic with someone or else his head would explode, figuratively.
He thought about Donnie, but the genius was busy with the long list of projects he missed during the space trip. Although he knew Donnie would listen if he asked, he wanted someone who gave him full attention when he talked.
'What's the best way to get full attention from Raph? How about the old-fashionable way like-'
"Mikey."
'Oops. Did I think too loud?' He wondered before throwing his hands in a defensive manner. "I didn't do anything! I swear!"
"Keep your prank ideas to yourself, chucklehead." Raph grabbed his shell and dragged him to the couch. "What's up with you?"
He blinked.
"If you're going to lie, drop it. I can see something's been bothering you for a while. Spit it out."
Mikey fidgeted around and tried to make himself as small as he could on the couch.
"It's not about me… It's..."
Raph was incredibly quiet and patient as he waited for Mikey to finish. Wow. This became serious stuff.
"I don't want him to do that kind of solo mission again," Mikey concluded with a sigh.
"Yeah, I know."
Mikey turned to Raph with pleading eyes, "Once Leo is in trouble, he cannot get out of it by himself. He needs us… Why doesn't he understand?"
"Oh I think he does, he just needs a reminder that he's leader, not a daredevil."
Mikey snickered.
Raph wrapped his arm around his shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I won't let it happen again."
Mikey nodded with a soft smile on his face. He hoped Raph could fix this. Because he was Leo's best friend, and because Raph usually had a way to bring back their oldest brother no matter what happened. Mikey was not fond of violence, but he remembered begging Leo not to go, he tried, but his brother didn't listen. Maybe some physical actions were needed.
'So how can I help?' Mikey didn't like the idea of being unable to do something. He had to find a solution fast. That was when the idea of vacation came up, Leo and he could use some quality time together. Maybe they would have a heart-to-heart talk and he could remind his bro that he was here to help, that Leo wouldn't feel alone anymore.
But now Mikey was alone.
And the only one brother he had right now didn't want to be with him.
Leo was in the bedroom pretending to do something way more important than talking to him. The door was closed, indicating that he wanted to be alone. The invisible wall between them was getting thicker and thicker, pushing him away like two magnets repelling each other.
Mikey never wanted this kind of separation. If he was sad, he would prefer to stay with someone. Anyone. Being alone made his head spinning and thinking about things he shouldn't have.
So, basically, Leo is jealous?
The idea of a jealousy leader popped a large question mark on his head. Why is Leo jealous? He knew he was close to Donnie, they usually stuck together during the missions, sometimes not willingly. They always said A-Team and B-Team and Mikey accepted with no problem. He remembered there was a time he spent with Raph too.
None of these makes sense. Ugh! If Donnie is here I can ask him-
Wait.
He did that again, didn't he?
When he had small requests he always turned to his genius brother, believing Donnie could fix every problem in the world. That was his admiration for Donnie since he was a child. But when he had a bigger problem like when Raph was a jerk threatening to hit him with a skateboard, Leo would stand guard in front of him. At that time Leo was the greatest hero in his eyes. Mikey couldn't remember why he stopped running to Leo. Perhaps Leo was too busy practicing that he couldn't ask him to solve his 'big' problem anymore. Leo became too difficult to approach. Eventually, the gap between them was getting wider.
'You keep asking for Donnie.'
But it's not my fault, he thought. I missed him. Well not only him but everyone!
Mikey frowned and curled his fist.
What's his problem? I know I mention their names all the time. I do mention him when I'm with Raph or Donnie too. It feels like he doesn't want me to talk about them. But we're brothers! And now we're stuck here so I miss them. I'm allowed to miss them, right? Fine! I don't care, I'll tell him I want Donnie instead of him. This dimension sucks.
He wanted to stand up and bang the door and scream at him. The problem was, he didn't have the heart to do that.
Leo's anger was different from Raph's. Mikey had been receiving tenderly love from Raph's head-smacking all the time so he knew Raphael usually concealed his care under his rage, in the very, very deep level under his skin. What he got from Leo earlier was totally different. A piece of anger slipped out and struck him, leaving a red cut on his heart.
A raging whimper, yes, that's what I called it.
Mikey felt like he got punched in the gut under Leo's gaze. A beast whimpered, and all of the sudden it snapped, crushing him in half he wouldn't have a chance to scream. Mikey never thought he would be the one who received it.
How can Raph survive this? I'm scared…
Mikey sat on the cold floor hugging his knees to his chest. His mind reeled back to their conversation.
'I would rather no one stuck here.'
His eyes overflowed with tears and his lower lip trembled.
He thinks I don't want him, but he doesn't want me either. He wants to be here with Donnie or Raph, not me. Of course, he wants Raph. I remember now, he tried to stop me when I jumped after him. So he didn't want to be here with me at the beginning. Stupid Mikey. You should have listened to him and let Raph handle it. You should kick Raph into this dimension with him- well, that doesn't sound right, but my point still stands.-Anyway, I think he wants anyone but me. Nobody wants me. I can't help him. I'm useless.
But why didn't you listen to him? A voice in his head asked.
Because I don't want him to be alone.
Mikey answered immediately and shuddered at the thought of what might happen.
If I didn't jump in, he would be stuck here all alone. God, he wouldn't know about zombies. My poor big brother. If he is alone, he would have got bitten. He wouldn't be able to come back. He would-
And now Mikey knew the right word to say to him.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry I want Donnie here instead of you. Actually, I want us all together here so we can go home. I'm sorry I didn't let Raph jump in. I should have pushed him to fall after you so you won't have to deal with stupid little brother. I'm sorry I'm useless.
Tears choked him, and he began to sob aloud like a child.
A long time ago Donnie said they were the same age, which meant there was no eldest or youngest brother.
But when they grew up, their distinct personalities divided them.
Mikey had a habit of speaking his heart out, and that made him the youngest by default. Anyone always knew what he wanted because he asked for it. It was typical if he missed Donnie he would unintentionally speak about him. He said he missed Master Splinter too when they were in space.
He didn't say that because he doesn't want me… right?
Leo felt bad that he directed his anger to his little brother. He should have known better. Now he lost control and hurt Mikey. Leo turned off the flashlight and put down the newspapers, sighing wearily. No point to continue reading if he couldn't concentrate.
He remembered the first time Master Splinter gave them training weapons. He was in the dojo all day and happily tried all wooden weapons. Out of curiosity, he took wooden Kusarigama from the wall. Since it was made for training, it didn't have a blade at the end. He wanted to use a two-handed weapon just like Raph so he tried every weapon they had. While he swung Kusarigama feeling it bounced off his hands, Mikey came in, making a sullen face, and cried, telling him that it was his.
Leo quickly gave it to him, not wanting to see him cry.
But when he saw Mikey tried wooden katana, he wanted to scream at his little brother as he did a moment ago. He didn't want Mikey to play with his training sword. It was rightfully his, he chose it first! But he couldn't cry because he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. He simply watched his little brother playing with it.
Mikey always cried for everything he wanted, but that was not how the real world works.
Mikey always pestered him until he got what he wanted, but he knew this action could not go on forever.
Master Splinter told him once that a true leader needed to help his followers grow up to be better fighters. He tried, but he had a conflict about the risks they'd take.
The idea of being independent crossed his mind. If he alone was strong enough, he could protect them from the entire world, allowing them to enjoy youthful life just a little longer.
But one could not carry the weight of the world.
In the end, I'm still not good enough for them.
If he could trade himself with Donnie, he would do it in a flash. Mikey wanted him anyway and Leo wanted Donnie here too. He trusted the scientist would take care of him, plus Donnie would know how to escape from this dimension.
He put his hand on his head, All I can be is a fighter, that's the only thing I'm good for anyways.
He had to find the way back to their world as soon as possible. Leo was afraid of what this dimension would offer if they stayed too long. He remembered killing the monster that was once human yesterday. The survivors in this world were different, too. Judging from what he had seen the living people so far, he may need to defend himself from them.
The sobbing sound interrupted his thought, Leo turned his head abruptly to the door, the guilt crept over his body. He made little brother cried. It was completely his fault.
Still frustrated and confused, Leo opened the door.
The door creaked, but this time Mikey didn't acknowledge it.
"Mikey?"
He didn't hear any sound, already shut the world out, and buried his face on his knees.
But once Leo hugged him from behind, he wasted no time to turn around and lash on his brother, deepened himself into Leo's plaston, and cried his eyes out. Mikey's iron grip was on Leo's shell and he decided tonight he won't let it go.
Leo kept saying 'I'm sorry' over and over like he was chanting a prayer. And Mikey hoped tomorrow everything will be okay.
Author's note: *Sighs* This story's still far from the end. Writing a fanfic use so much energy...
