Emma had the strangest feeling of déjà vu when she sat at a table, agent Coulson opposite her, his fingers crossed on the table. She kept her hands on her lap, being as far as possible from him. They were sitting in a bigger, bright room that had a large window and a few comfy armchairs near the window. With a quick look she took note there were no cameras. It was a lot nicer room than her cell with light-blue walls, but it didn't make her feel safer.
She had been brought there by two female security officers. They didn't cuff her and Emma went there quietly, but ready to fight back hard if needed. No one touched her and to her that was a good sign. She was still afraid but she knew that she was armed with the icy spikes now like the kind, raven-haired man had told her. She had means to defend herself better than ever. And she had gotten a slight impression that the people around her were a bit afraid of her, giving her the space she needed.
Coulson gazed at her questioningly. She looked better and refreshed, like nothing bad had never happened to her. Her fast recovery was a wonder. Her body had fixed itself, regenerating from severe damages only in a few hours. Even the bone of her skull had been repaired and her hair had grown back. Coulson didn't have to imagine why the Hydra had been so interested of her. And that's what made him worried. He could imagine Hydra wanting her back, perhaps using her DNA for a gene therapy for creating super soldiers.
Her suspicions of Hydra's people infiltrating into the S.H.I.E.L.D. had made him commissioning his own investigations which he had kept hidden from everyone else except from Fury. If she was correct, even close, there wasn't too many to trust. There was truly something strange going on. Coulson had wanted to see the bodies of the agents who died during Emma's outburst in the Helicarrier but three of them had been removed from their morgue without a proper, full autopsy reports.
Coulson had expressed his concerns to Fury who had been cautiously supportive but doubtfully about his case. And director Fury had given one more, actually the last chance for Coulson to try to get Emma Morgan in cooperation with the S.H.I.E.L.D. It would have been a shame to loose someone as potential as she. But one thing was sure, they couldn't let her fall into the hands of the enemy. That's why he had given her a false identity in the papers and she was treaded as if one of their own agents.
Phil Coulson took a softer approach with her, the situation being completely different. He wasn't sure what he was dealing with now. Earlier she had seemed more self-confident and clearheaded, now she was jumpy, timid and unpredictable. And he didn't want her to go pulling out her claws on him.
"How are you feeling today, Emily?"
"Dunno. Messed up, I guess," she answered nervously, glancing around.
"Do you remember what happened to you?"
Emma frowned, looking at him angry but a bit scared. "Of course! Those sadistic bastards tortured me for days! How could I forget something like that?" she said raising her voice.
Coulson nodded, remaining calm. "You remember anything else?"
She gave him a grim glance like a pissed of kid. "Yeah! I'll never let you buy me a drink again, you creep! You drugged me! What for? Did… did you rape me?"
"Of course not! I am a government's agent. We are the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division." He blurted out the name-monster of his agency just being shocked by her misguided accusations. "I'm sorry. We needed to sedate you that we could examine your head injury," Coulson explained, being offended of her thinking so low of him.
"What head injury?"
He took a moment before he continued trying to break the news to her gently. "What I am about to tell you might shock you, but I promise everything will be alright."
"What? Has something bad happened to my mom?"
Phil Coulson found it so odd that she kept wanting to see her mother who she had grown to hate later in her life. He couldn't blame her. He had called for that woman, Aileen Lange (former Morrison), in the morning and asked her to come and see her daughter, but the mother had refused to see Emma, saying that she didn't have a daughter with that name Emma or Emily. When Coulson had demanded the woman at least speak with Emma in the phone, she had hung up not saying another word. He had called her again but as soon as he had opened his mouth the mother had hung up again. In his experience, he could tell that Emily's name meant more to the woman that she had claimed but the reason to her denial remained a mystery. He found it hard to believe that a daughter being only a mutant could have made her mother abandoning her so coldly.
"No, your mother is fine. It is about you. What happened to you... what those people did to you… all that happened eight years ago. You escaped from that place and lived your life free." He kept a small pause for her to take it in. "Unfortunately yesterday you injured your head, severely. It was an accident. You have lost a part of your memory. Those eight years are erased from your mind. We don't know for how long. The memories could come back, in time."
Emma stared at him speechless, without blinking, or moving at all as if she'd had frozen. "What?"
"As I said, everything will be alright. We like to help you, if you would let us."
Coulson's mobile phone gave a quiet peep as he received a call and he glanced at the caller from the screen, and put the mobile back to his pocket.
Oh god, eight years! There was a lot digesting to do. It felt like he would have been telling her a stupid lie. But things were starting to make some sense; the tall man she had seen in her dream and met in the bathroom, her own reflection in the mirror, her head in bandages, and the blood. Emma touched her head. "Yesterday? Then how come..?" Her frightened eyes turned at the agent.
"You have nothing to fear from me. We do know about your mutant abilities. And thanks to your powers you are still here. Luckily you are a fast healer. It is a gift, not a curse. Don't you ever think anything else of your powers."
Emma said nothing even Coulson gave her a time to come up with something to say, so he continued chatting. "It must have not been easy to grow up without a father. I lost mine when I was nine years old. I can't say I remember much about him but when he was gone it left a hole in my life. I knew something was missing."
Emma stared at the agent, confused about him opening up like that. "I've never seen my father. Me and my mom, we did just fine by ourselves. I guess you don't miss something you've never had."
A knocking from the door startled Emma a bit. She was being jumpy about everything, being afraid of her own shadow. A short-haired woman looking like a nurse in a blue dress stepped in with a breakfast tray. She placed the full tray on the table and left. Oatmeal porridge, some bread, orange juice and a cup of hot chocolate.
Coulson pushed the tray towards Emma and got up from his seat, glancing at the window like checking up the weather. The clouds were clearing off outside. "I asked them to bring you some breakfast. Please, help yourself. And, don't worry. There are no drugs this time, I promise. We'll talk later after you've finished. Please excuse me. I need to make a phone call."
"There was a man," Emma said with a quiet voice as Coulson was leaving the room. "A tall and dark... he talked to me, he showed me things. It was like magic. I saw him in my dream. It felt so real. I don't know who he is. I don't know is he even real."
Coulson glanced at her over his shoulder, having a pretty good hunch who she was talking about. "I'm sorry, I don't know who that could be. Perhaps it was just a dream. Your mind might be playing tricks on you trying to fill in the lost memories."
She stared at the agent doubtfully, recalling the stranger's warnings no to tell them anything about him. "Yeah, maybe."
Not really having any appetite, Emma forced herself to eat some of the breakfast as the agent went to the corridor making a phone call. She couldn't believe that eight years of her life would have been just wiped out. But she knew one thing. That man, the fairytale prince, he was significant, he wasn't just a dream. She wasn't imagining him. She had to remember him.
She wanted to go back home soon to her mom, thinking that mom must have been worried sick for her, but something didn't feel right about that thought. The agent had said that her mom was fine, then why she wasn't there with her now.
Feeling like an orphan in a strange world, Emma sat alone, eating and pondering about her dream and the mystery man. At least he had been there for her. She couldn't wait for the night to see him again. He had promised to tell her everything. They were having a date! Why was she being so excited about it? She didn't even know him. Why did she trust him?
Another knocking came from the door and a red-haired young woman peeked in, taking a glance as if looking for someone. "Hey, is agent Coulson here?" Natasha Romanoff asked from Emma.
Emma didn't recognize Natasha, she only started at the woman puzzled and a bit alarmed. If she had remembered agent Romanoff, her reaction would have been a quite different. "He went making a phone call," Emma said in a quiet voice.
"Well, I actually came to see you while I was on my way to see my friend," Natasha said and stepped in, wearing her civil clothes, blue jeans and a brown leather jacket, and carrying a closed plastic bag, same kind where they kept their evidences.
"Why? Do I know you?"
Natasha gave her a surprised smile, her brows knitting. Their latest encounter hadn't ended up well and she had 15 stitches on her left arm to remind her about it. "You don't remember me?" she asked doubtfully.
Emma shrugged innocently. "Should I?"
"Have you taken another blow in your head?"
"I guess so..."
"Anyway, I came to bring you this," Natasha said, giving her the sealed plastic bag that contained the blue smurf doll that had been examined and found safe.
Emma stared at the blue doll baffled as Natasha laid it on the table in front of her. She glanced at the red-haired woman like asking was this a joke. "Am I a bit too old for playing with dolls? I don't even like the smurfs. They are creepy, blue jerks… who have only one girl in their village... like what the fuck?"
"Okay, I'll take it away if you don't want it. You seemed so fond of it earlier," Natasha said and was leaving with the blue doll.
"Wait!" Emma stopped her and stood up. If that blue stupid thing had meant something to her earlier she wanted it back. "I can take it. Apparently... I have forgotten everything from the past eight years," she said with a doubtful voice, having a hard time to believe that herself.
Natasha frowned looking at her mouth open. "Are you serious?"
"That's what the agent man told me. I don't know."
"Damn!" said the red-head with a confused expression. "Then you really don't remember me," she said but thought it was wiser not to say anything else.
"Were we like friends or something?" Emma asked.
"More 'of something'," Natasha said and put the bag back on the table and walked to the door. "I'm sorry," she said before stepping out.
Emma hated that everybody seemed to know her but she knew no one, or simply didn't remember them.
She drank the hot chocolate and stared at the blue doll that was sitting on the table and staring back at her with a smug grin like it would have known more than she did. "What are you grinning about?" she grunted to the doll.
She put down her cup and picked up the doll and took it out from the bag, ripping the plastic bag open. It was a stupid silly blue doll, yet soft and huggable. Emma studied it, stroking the soft fuzzy surface with her fingers. It made her smile and she smelled the doll. The scent of it was good, peculiar and masculine, slightly overran by the smell of plastic. She was certain that she knew that smell, and she sniffed it again.
Divine... Strong… Safe…
She knew that smell. It made her hormones purring. It made her warm inside and feeling safe. She smelled it once more.
"Remember me..."
Heated emotions filled her heart and her head. She remembered a fervent kiss, feeling his lips on her lips, tasting his mouth in hers, feeling his bare skin against her skin, his body on hers, the intensity of the passionate emotions frightening her innocent mind.
"...my sweet Valkyrie..."
She remembered his soft touch and it made her tremble. She remembered his illusions mixing up with the reality, making love to him on a beach in a sunset, the pain and the pleasure. The feelings so powerful that those made her cry. It was as if she would have been turning into a whole different person, the memories of her adult years re-entering into her consciousness a little by little.
She recalled laughing with him, running with him holding hands. The fear being caught made her heart racing faster. The elevator and the gun firing, she looking at him when the pain hit her head and everything went black.
Her head ached and she felt dizzy. The doll dropped down from her hands on the table and Emma staggered on the corner of the room to a small waste basket, throwing up everything she had eaten into the bin. Kneeling over the waste basket, she felt like her head would have been broken again. The forgotten memories were streaming back into her shattered mind, flowing like smooth liquid filling a half full bowl. And she feared that the bowl couldn't hold them all.
She sat on her knees on the floor holding on her aching head with shaking hands sobbing. She remembered him. Suddenly the fairytale prince had a name. Loki! Emma covered her mouth not to cry aloud. Tears were pouring from her eyes and she gasped with the overwhelming sensation of recalling him. It was like a huge brain orgasm, everything else returning into her mind slowly in a state of an afterglow. "Loki!" she whispered his name, covering her mouth. She remembered him!
The nausea made her vomit again, but out came only some bitter stomach acids. Everything had returned to her so fast that she had a lot digesting to do, fitting the pieces together that seemed to make no sense. She pushed the waste basket aside and rolled to sit in the corner leaning her back against the wall pulling her knees into her lap. The memories and feelings had felt so strange at first but they started to find their own places inside her mind.
His projection she had seen in the bathroom made perfect sense now. He had come to see her. He had been so compassionate and charming that if he would have approached her like that in the first time they met in Greenland, she would have fallen in love with him on that very moment. She smiled a bit, knowing that he would have charmed even her sixteen year-old-self. Seeing his illusion made her grateful that he was alright since their escape had gone horribly wrong.
Then slowly the cruel facts re-entered into her mind; she didn't have a home to go anymore, no mother to turn to and Loki and she were both caught. All that made her cry as she was re-living all her former struggles once again. She couldn't stop it.
She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there on the floor weeping when she heard the door opening and closing as agent Coulson entered the room.
"Emily, are you alright?" Phil Coulson asked with a concerned tone, finding her in the corner.
She remembered him now too. The agent of the fucking… Hydra? No, the S.H.I.E.L.D!
The name is Emma, you lying prick! Emma wiped her eyes on the back of her palms, her expression turning back being a confused and scared little girl before she faced him. That's what she felt like even she was returning back to herself.
She took a breath and did her best to control her quickened breathing, realizing that she might have an advantage over them if they wouldn't know that she had regain her memory back. The agent had lied to her about many things including Loki, so she was going to do the same. "I… I felt sick on my stomach. Maybe I ate too much too fast. I haven't eaten a decent food in weeks."
"How's your head?"
"A bit dizzy, it hurts a little… but it's okay. Everything is so fucking weird," she said and got up on her trembling feet leaning against the wall.
"You need a hand?"
"No!" she yelped for his attempt to help her. "Stay away!"
"Alright," Coulson said lifting his hands up, not going anywhere near her. "Did you remember something new?"
"I think… mom is not home anymore," she whispered weakly.
So, her memory was slowly returning, he thought, a bit worried of how much she remembered. "Would you like to talk about that?"
She only shook her head and went back sitting at the table and picked the doll in her arms like a scared kid. "Some woman brought this to me. I don't really like smurfs. It's just that this is soft to hold… Um… She was looking for you, I guess. She was nice."
"Yes, I met her." Ms. Morgan had passed the test Coulson had set up for her; her authentic reaction to agent Romanoff short visit had confirmed her partly amnesia.
The smell of her vomit made Coulson feeling sick too. He took the waste basket and took it out into the corridor leaving it to someone else's problem. "Er, is there anything else you would like to eat?" he asked as he returned, closing the door. He believed that taking care of her basic needs would be the key to regain her trust.
"Do you think I could have a large coke, a burger and fries?" she asked timidly and glanced down at her empty cocoa cup. "Oh, and some more chocolate? I'm craving for chocolate."
"I see what I can do."
"Thanks. My mom used to say that chocolate makes my ass fat and gives me pimples, but…" Then she looked sad again, the memory of returning to her home that wasn't her home anymore sending her on the verge of tears. "That bitch… she abandoned me? I have no home. What am I suppose to do now?"
Coulson bought her act that wasn't completely fake, feeling pity for her. "We can help you to get through this, Emily."
"Why are you being so kind to me?" Emma gave him a hesitating look. "Um… I was kind of wondering what you gain from this, like personally."
"I'm not planning to gain anything for helping you. It is a part of my job."
"Oh good!" she sighed, relieved, of course all an act. "You got me a bit worried that you were looking for some sort of sugar daddy arrangement," she said innocently, enjoying of seeing the agent getting a bit awkward with. "Not that there's anything wrong with you. I'm sure you're alright for you age. It's just that I'm not that kind of girl."
Phil Coulson shook his head bemused. What was wrong with the young ladies in these days? Was everything about sex?
"I'm… going to get you that burger-meal now."
… …
Playing her part perfectly, Emma talked a while with the agent. Coulson cautiously suggesting for her to join the S.H.I.E.L.D and she hesitating, coming up with all sort of excuses not to, at least not yet, enjoying her free burger-meal and chocolate milkshake he had ordered for her.
When Coulson was escorting her back to her little cell, telling that they would find her better quarters, they came upon Natasha and Clint Barton. Hawkeye sat in a wheelchair looking like he had gone thought hell. Natasha was giving him a lift, pushing his chair along the corridor.
Emma recognized the poor archer, a part of her glad that he was still alive, trying hard to not look at him like she'd had known him.
Clint Barton also recognized her as they were coming closer and gave her a small triumphant smile. "So, are you being on our side now? I heard we finally caught your boyfriend."
Emma did her best to act surprised; being very glad he had asked that. She was going to make a big scene. "What? Do I have a boyfriend?"
"Um, he doesn't know what he's talking about," Natasha said, giving a shove on Clint's arm.
"Ouch! What did I say?"
Emma gazed at the people puzzled, turning at Coulson, the rest was coming out naturally. "What's he talking about? Do I have a boyfriend?"
"No!"
"What he meant by that, that you've caught him?" she asked again, anxiety returning into her voice and behavior. She knew perfectly well how messed up she had been after running away from her tormentors years ago and now the real worry for Loki gave her extra boost into her little act.
Coulson scratched his head, seemingly unhappy. He would have hated to tell her about Loki and disturb her already vulnerable state of mind. "It's nothing..."
Emma raised the stakes, moving a bit restlessly as if under provocation. "Tell me. I want to know! If there is someone who knows me, who knows the real me, I need to know," she said nearly yelling. "It is him, isn't it? The man in my dream? Where is he? I want to see him!"
"Please, calm down, Emily!"
She walked away from him backwards looking like he had turned into a monster. "No! Don't touch me! Why are you not telling me? How am I suppose to trust you if you're not telling me anything? I want to see him!"
Clint Barton was struck speechless and he glanced at Natasha as Coulson was trying to calm the girl down. "What's wrong with her?" he asked whispering.
"She got shot in the head and lost her memory. She's been blissfully ignorant about Loki until you mentioned him," Natasha whispered back at him.
"Oh, sorry!" Clint gave Coulson an apologetic grimace and saw it wiser to leave the sight, Natasha pushing his wheelchair away from the scene of action.
The battle of wills had continued a while, Emma adding the steam and Coulson trying to make her see reason. She was curled up into a corner, sitting and crying, and Coulson had called the security officers. He stood in front of her giving her some space and squatted down. "Please, understand that it wouldn't do you any good to see this man. He is..." He thought how to put it down nicely. "It was his fault that you were injured. He is not a good company. He has been treating you badly, and I would hate to see you getting hurt again."
Goddamn, the man was good lying to her about Loki and about everything else, Emma thought, squeezing in her arms around her knees. She lifted her tear-filled eyes at him. "I don't believe you. You said it was an accident that I've got hurt. I don't have my mom anymore. So… If you'll not let me see him, then, just put a bullet in my head or leave me alone!"
... ...
Loki had quickly grown to hate his plain cage that was lacking of stimulation. He had entertained himself by fantasizing of decapitating the half of the Asgard's population and the whole bunch of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents. He had been trying to find the weak spot of his prison that could give in, without luck yet.
He had been sinking into the darkness of his mind facing his virulent inner demons, feeling like the battle was already lost before it had even begun. Those lies he had been fed his whole life; that he was Odin's son; that he was born to be a king; that he had a loving family. Odin had never loved him. It had been only Frigga who had truly loved him as if he'd been her own flesh and blood and seen him worthy of the throne. Frigga had made him a king, giving him Asgard while Odin had been in his slumber. But the betrayal of the warrior three, lady Sif and Heimdall still gnawed at him. He had been sitting on the throne of Asgard and they had shown no respect towards him even the line of succession had fallen rightfully to him.
He kept thinking had they known of his true parentages, had Odin told them what he was. Heimdall had probably known it from the very beginning. Upon pain of treason they had gone against him just to bring Thor back. It stunned him when he realized that he had never had so loyal friends. And Thor, well, Thor had always though of himself being better than anyone else, worthy for the throne by birth, that self-righteous fool, who was now cringing in front of some mortals as if he would have suddenly lost his entire royal Asgardian legacy.
What seemed to silence that vicious circle of stirring emotions was when Loki had been thinking about his time with Emma. He had known her only so short time, and it made no sense, but in that time she had made him feeling himself being more worthy. He hardly knew himself wavering in his irrational emotions. Devotion had never been in his nature. She had simply been fun to be with and an adorable, sweet, little lover. He realized that she had been the light to his darkness, the bright beacon that had subtly guided him to the safer harbor. And even Thor was doing everything in his powers to get them back home, Loki didn't feel like going back as long as there was even a tiny chance for him to be with Emma.
At last night he had managed to reach a connection into her shattered mind through her dreams. She had been in a state of mind of a child, a teenager, being afraid, lost and fragile after the torments she had faced years ago as if it had just happened yesterday. It had been his time to guide her, take her away from those horrors, take her to safety, and walked with her along the paths of illusional Asgard.
He had wanted to make sure she was safe and alright by visiting her with his projection in the morning. Her sweet innocence made him smile. She had been like those teens he had met in England in Damien's home. But he wanted Emma back being herself. And he was sure she would learn to know him again.
Loki sat on a long cushioned bench that apparently served as a bed, his right leg on the bench his knee bent, his right elbow leaning to his knee, his back against the wall. There was nothing to do for killing time. He was just waiting for the night that he could visit Emma again.
Loki's attention was stolen by the sound of calm footsteps approaching his cell and he glowered at the incomer under his dark brows.
Agent Coulson stalked his way to the cell and greeted Loki with a seemingly annoyed frown. "Oh hell," Coulson heaved a sigh like he had come there telling some bad news, and it got Loki a bit concerned, dropping his foot on the floor. Coulson lifted his hand before Loki said a word and gave the prisoner a stern glance. "Don't make me regret this, Loki! I mean it!" the agent said and glanced at the door over his shoulder.
A metallic sounds as if something clinking and clanking was dragged over the hard concrete floor made Loki curious. And pushing himself up from the bench, he moved next to the wall, taking a better look. The sight nearly caught his breath. Emma walked slowly in front of his cell, her hands in handcuffs and being shackled with two long chains from her waist and wrists. She was escorted by two soldiers who fastened the chains to the floor into small rings so she wouldn't have a chance to wander off from her place. Being from five steps away from his cell and remaining there thanks to her shackles, Emma lifted her blue eyes up at him, her head slightly tilted to right, looking like she wouldn't be sure who he was.
A thin, gentle smile played across Loki's face as he beheld her through the glass wall, but seeing her chained like an animal made him feeling bad for her. That and all what she had gone through already. "Emma?" he said with a soft voice, not really caring about the crowd.
Coulson gave a short glance at Loki. "Her name's Emily," he corrected and turned at Emma, getting a feeling that this was a bad idea after all. He had yielded into her demands, thinking that maybe meeting up with Loki could have been an eye-opener for her, but he wasn't so sure about it anymore. "You have 10 minutes."
"Ten? That is not enough!" Emma said, upset but timidly.
"Want to make it five?" Coulson asked and Emma shook her head. "Give us a shout if you want to get out earlier. This is your last chance to see each other, so better use it wisely," Coulson said talking to both of them, checking the time from his wrist watch. Then he left with the soldiers.
Emma returned her gaze at the man behind the prison wall. "Hey," she said quietly sounding small and innocent. "They told me that you are my boyfriend. They also said that you're a bad man I should have nothing to do with. Is it true?"
Loki leaned against the wall, his both palms on the glass as he kept watching at her questioningly, looking lost. "Do you not remember me, my dear?"
When the agents were finally gone, Emma dared to give him a tiny smile. "How could I forget someone like you, big guy? You were the first thing that returned to my mind. You can't believe all the crazy things I had to do just to get down here to see you. These people here will never trust me again."
Loki heaved a relieved sigh, but had a pained expression. "Oh, we have to stop seeing each other like this," he made an ironic remark with a small smile. "Can you forgive me, Emma? I thought I lost you for forever. I am so sorry. You were hurt… because of me."
"No. It wasn't your fault, Loki. Maybe I was a bit messed up after the shot, but I'm fine now."
"Without your abilities you would have died, again," Loki said sounding desperately worried.
Emma swallowed. She had not gone there to make him sad and blaming himself. "At least something good came up with being a freak. Loki, I'm alright. Thank you for not giving up on me. I saw you in my dream, I heard your voice. When you came to see me this morning that was the sweetest thing you've done. Some memories are still a bit blurry but I remember almost everything." She tried to take a step closer to him but the chains held her back. She would have so wanted to touch him. "We almost made it out from here. Oh, Loki, I'm sorry I screwed it up."
"Please, do not apologize! I am the one who should be sorry."
"I must be crazy but I have no regrets with you. You are the best thing ever happened to me."
Loki stared at her with a compassionate smile, shaking his head a bit. "Yes, I can see that. Your affection towards me; it's… um, it really suits you," he took note ironically.
Emma glanced down at her shackles and gave him a small, naughty grin. Talking about some serious bondage! "You like this, huh? This feels kind a kinky. So, don't get used to seeing me like this!"
"If it would be up to me, I would keep you chained in my bed like that all the time."
Emma shot him a bewildered yet curious glance and Loki answered it with a tiny chuckle and so did she.
"Have they hurt you?" Loki asked then simply, the smiles fading away from their faces, the gravity of their situation beginning to occur to them.
"No. This guy Coulson still wants me to join them."
Loki gave that a short thought, casting a glance to the camera up in the ceiling. "Then perhaps you should join in their team."
"Why? Why would you say that?"
"I am not much help for you from here. Maybe in time you could gain an access down here and," he said, leaning his whole forearm against the wall, "we could carry on our little liaison."
"Hm, I never thought of it that way," Emma said playfully but turned then serious. "That is if you're still going to be here when that time comes. Thor said he's going to take you back to Asgard and that it is up to Odin to decide your fate."
Loki dropped his gaze for a moment, realizing that Thor might have told her things he would have preferred to keep hidden such as his attempt to destroy the Frost Giants. More than that he wouldn't have ever wanted her to know about his weakest moment when he chose to let go of his whole existence. The only wretched action, that he felt casting a giant shameful shadow over him, making him looking like a desperate, weak coward, unworthy for even the scraps of joy he had felt with her. He had let her so close to him that he didn't want to lie to her. He had let her too close, he realized.
His green doubtful eyes returned looking at her. "What more did he tell you?"
Emma wouldn't have wanted to say it but thought that there shouldn't be secrets between them. "He mentioned what happened with the Jotunheim…"
His face turned cold, nearly expressionless. "And?"
"And," Emma was quiet, watching at him compassionately. "He had his own version of how it all went. Look, I don't care what you have done in the past. I don't need to know if you don't want to tell me, but if you do I will listen. You are not alone. I just want to be with you."
Loki snorted, his darker thoughts taking a tighter grip of him again. "Emma, you were the last person I expected to patronize me!"
"Loki, I'm not!"
Loki's eyes were glimmering with tears as he let out a long agonized groan. "You do realize I would have destroyed my own entire race? If Thor wouldn't have stopped me, there wouldn't be the realm of the Jotuns anymore!"
She could hear the pain in his voice and she hesitated to speak. "Then we would have probably never met."
"No, we would have not." Loki straitened out his posture drawing back from the wall a bit, staring at her with a solemn, a bit disdaining look she hadn't ever seen on him. She should have known the truth told by him from the very beginning. He took a shivering breath before continuing. "I fought with Thor. I would have probably killed him if I would have had a chance. Thor broke the Rainbow Bridge to save the Frost Giants knowing it would destroy our connection to the other realms. In the aftermath of our battle I was just barely hanging on above the collapsing wormhole. Odin had that same look in his eye as he watched down at me, as you have now. I would have saved us from the war against the Jotuns but he despised me and my efforts to secure our peace. When I looked into his eyes I knew then he never loved me, I knew he never will. And I chose to let go with a hope that I would release them from my existence. I embraced the eternity, but it sent me here instead… into that barren, freezing hell where I met you." He voice was grim, full of torment and deep penitence.
Tears rolled down on Emma's cheeks. "I'm sorry…" she whispered.
"You are sorry?" Loki swallowed hard, a part of him hating that she showed so much understanding towards him, when he was starting to feel like he was being unworthy for her love. He hated that feeling. He hated the fact that she had become the only thing he was afraid to loose.
"You are an awfully lot sorry about everything, aren't you? I plotted to murder my true father and I would have killed everyone of my kind. I tried to kill my brother. I placed Frigga in danger by sending Laufey in Asgard…" His voice trembled with that thought. Frigga could have been killed by the Frost Giants, he realized it now, and it stung his heart. "I… I hurt and stabbed your friends. I slaughtered a few handfuls off mortals in front of your eyes. I hurt you. You keep getting hurt because of me… And… and… you say; you are sorry. Why? Are you sorry on my behalf? Are you sorry that I spread destructions and ruin everywhere I go? And do not lie to me! I have been fed lies my whole life!" he cried out, his voice turning louder and angrier as he kept going as though confessing all his sins.
He was slowly beginning to realize the gravity of his own actions and it pained him, the guilty feelings seeking out a target to throw at because it felt too hard to carry them by himself. He had had too much time to think it over and over again. And the thought that he had dragged her down with him and nearly gotten her killed was something he couldn't deal with.
Emma fell speechless listening to him. It was as if he had turned into a whole different man. "I wouldn't lie to you. Why are you talking like this?" she asked with a small voice.
Loki noticed the door opening and the pair of soldiers coming in. It seemed their short, precious time was over already. He couldn't tell where his anger and scorn were coming from, but it certainly wasn't meant for her. He felt hurt but not because of her. He wanted to tell her that he would have gone happily through all of his sufferings if it had led him to meeting her again. Instead, he heard himself saying to her: "Because I am the god of mischief. You thought you know me, huh? I am the monster who parents tell their children about at nights."
Emma gasped nearly crying. "Please, stop saying that. You're not a monster. Not to me."
Loki found himself on the verge of tears as well. "I wish I would have never met you…" So, that he couldn't have ever gotten her hurt.
"Time's up!" agent Coulson informed shortly. It was only then when Emma noticed him emerging next to her. The soldiers were untying her chains from the floor.
"No, we are not done yet!" she told to the men in dismay.
Loki looked down at her behind the glass wall. It broke his heart to see her like this. They were both caught already and the future didn't seem to hold any better days for them. Perhaps it would have been simply more merciful to let her go while she was still alive. Even if it meant he would have to break her heart. She would grow over it and learn to hate him. Everyone else had. "I think we are done. Let's face it, Emma. We were never truly meant to be together, you and I. We had just a bit of fun. That's all."
A small anger flared within her. It was as though he didn't understand a damn thing. "What? Why are you doing this?"
He gave her a small pitying smirk, a trace of cruelty in his gaze. He had always known how to lie. And for once in his life he would lie for someone else's sake. "Please, do not tell me, you thought it was love we had? You knew what I was from the beginning. Did you naively believe that if you would love me enough I would change? That I would take you away from all of your horrors to a world beyond the stars? You were so easy, my ingenuous pet. You were so desperately seeking someone to see you and accept you with your mutant abilities that you fell for the first one who laid eyes on you. If you would have had even a half of a decent mother in your life you would have known to stay away from someone like me. And the claws… oh yes, I gave them to you! Consider it as a gift from a Frost Giant!"
Coulson frowned, not sure what was going on between the two. But he didn't like it what he heard. "It's time. Let's go!"
Loki's words had been like a mean slap in the face. Looking shocked Emma gazed at him with teary eyes and bit her teeth together. She felt her throat tightening as she held back crying and tried to pull herself free from the shackles of the armed agents. It wasn't helping so she resorted to tougher means, accepting the pain and protruding her claws, letting out a cry with her icy blades making an appearance. "I said… we're not done here!" she rasped in a silent, pained voice, glaring at the agents who took a step back and aimed their weapons straight at her.
That made Loki's malevolent act crumble, him being worried for her and he couldn't stop himself for saying her name. "Emma, stop!"
"Welcome back, Ms. Morgan," agent Coulson said calmly as if making note that she had regained her memory. For such a calm guy he had his gun pointing at her faster she could have thought. "Now, stand down or you are forcing us to take action!"
Emma ignored the agents and stared Loki again, the tormenting sensation in her hands growing away. "Was that the absolutely worst you could think of?" she barely managed to say, telling him the exact words he had said to her in Greenland. And she could see it in his eyes that he was already sorry of his words. He failed to conceal his true feelings for a small moment as she had called his bluff with her claws.
"So, you fucked up big time in Asgard? No one's perfect. Not even you and you're pretty damn close. You must be hurt and angry but don't take it out on me!" Emma spoke to him through her tears with a trembling voice and took a long breath. "And I'm not a kid, so stop treading me like one! Don't lie to me! It's not that I would have expected you to marry me. I just happened to like you. They will take me away from here, I don't know where. If this is to be our last goodbye, I don't want to remember it like this. If I meant nothing to you, that's fine. That's just bloody, freaking perfect! I can live with that. But I'm not going to forget you now, Loki. I care for you too damn much. And, you can't simply be that much of an asshole that you would want me to remember you just so you could abandon me like my mother did…"
"Emma, do not make this worse!" Loki tried to stop her pouring out her heart. It was painful enough for him already.
She pointed her right hand's claws at him. "No! I'm not done! I'm not the one who's naive here, that's you. If you wouldn't be so fucking blind you would see that there are people around you who love you, no matter what!"
The god of mischief had been prepared to give her hell, to hurt and deceive her to turn away from him, but she had defeated him in his own little game. She had taken his hurtful intentions just as calmly Frigga would have and tossed them back at him with interest. And he couldn't help but wonder did she truly love him?
Loki dropped his vicious act, his harsh expression melting away and turning to a sad, compassionate smile, telling her more than his words; that he was sorry; that he did care for her and he just wanted to be by her side. "I cannot fool you, can I, my Valkyrie?" he asked, his voice gentle and full of sorry as he leaned against the glass wall.
Emma shook her head, tears running freely over her cheeks, her claws returning back in. "Hasn't anyone told you that you're a damn poor liar?"
That had been the first time! Loki let out a tiny frustrated laugh. The tears he had been holding back brimmed in his eyes and escaped when he blinked. It hurt him to see when the soldiers were dragging her away. "I would lie if I say that you meant nothing to me. Farewell, Emma Morgan, until we will meet again," he sighed, his breathing quivering.
"Bye, Loki, my lovely god of mischief," she said and gave him a small smile. "You know, I set up a date with a man of my dreams today. He's better show up there or I don't know what I'm going to do without him!"
They beheld one another until she was out of his sight. Loki swallowed hard seeing her moving through the doorway. "Is he worth of your love?" he shouted after her.
"He is worth much more than that!" was her answer before the door shut close between them.
After she was gone, the god of mischief was left dwelling alone with his bleak thoughts. Loki took support from the wall, pressing his forehead against the coldness of the glass, closing his eyes in crushing regret and an ache in his heart. He should have told her so much more from his heart, and not those lies that were only meant to hurt her.
When finally being back in the solitude of her own cell, Emma lost the battle against the overwhelming cry, dropping down on the floor on her knees and letting the pain out, crying aloud like a child. She could have never thought that one day she would care for someone this much that it actually hurt. She just wished that he would be there with her that night. His plain illusion would have done more than well.
Agent Coulson had left her alone, for pity sake she assumed. He hadn't asked a thing from her even he had realized she remembered everything again. She wouldn't had have strength left to be questioned anyway.
At that night, Emma took her matters and covers from her bed and closed herself into the tiny bathroom. There she lied alone away from the gazes of the surveillance camera, praying he would come like he had promised.
After some time she discovered that she wasn't completely alone. Loki emerged in front of her as a projection. He lied down by her side and they talked, asked for and showed forgiveness and said those things that left unsaid earlier and corrected the things that had been said wrong, just wishing to be able to hold and embrace one another. Physically Loki lied on his long, soft bench in his cell but in spirit he was there by her side.
A perfect illusion of an Asgardian, tropical beach in a sunset-alike state around them was setting them a far away from the reality. A turquoise-blue serene sea, the white sand, palm trees and orange sky above them; a peaceful small bay he had once found while roaming around the land with Thor.
Emma listened in compassion and quietly when Loki poured his heart out to her, telling her about his failed attempt to end his life in Asgard. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so painfully honest with himself. He was certain that his action found no understanding among the Asgardians, the warrior race to whom the gates of Valhalla was open only to those who had died an honorable death. His action that every Asgardian would have considered as an act of cowardness found only empathy from her. She wasn't judging him, not even criticizing his false decisions and there had been quite a few of them. She only listened when he talked, and he talked a long while.
After nearly loosing her Loki had finally begun to realize that his actions had consequences, and maybe not all of his mischievous tricks had been harmless fun.
When done with talking Loki laid still watching at the illusional orange Asgardian sky above them, a strange calmness in his heart. He felt peaceful and yet uncertain at the same time. Warm emotions swept over him, reflecting from his face as he turned towards her. "Do you love me?" he asked then quietly, that uncertainty in his gaze.
Emma was lying on her back looking at him with loving eyes. He had said he was sorry of his horrible words in so many different ways that she could only love him. "Would I be fool if I'd say yes?"
Loki flashed a lopsided grin. "Evidently."
"Then… I love you, Loki," she said softly and waited a while him returning the words, her smile becoming a bit awkward as he kept watching at her looking more or less surprised and thoughtful. "Um… it's your cue to say… something… Anything?"
"Hm…" Loki bit his tongue between his lips and gave her a glance. "I am… honored," he teased.
"Oh jeeze!" Emma sighed face-palming herself awkwardly. Oh, for fuck's sake, what a jerk! What was she going to do with him?
Loki grinned at her fondly, his dimples growing. "Forgive me, please. It is just that you are so sweet when you get awkward," he said gently, staring into her eyes when their gazes met again. "I love you too. It is irrational. I cannot explain it, but I really do love you, Emma." A darker thought past his mind and he couldn't held it back. "I wish that I could offer you more than only these illusions. You were right, about everything. And I cannot bear the thought how cruelly your love and loyalty towards me have been tested already. My dear, you must be mad for staying by my side after all this."
"They say that, it takes one to know one," she grinned back at him. She was happy that they were together again at least in some level and teasing each other gently once more. And the way he had said he loved her melt her again. "So, how old are you, really?" she asked recalling their earlier conversation when they had been setting up the dates.
Loki put his arm under his head and swallowed. "According to the Midgardian calendar I am1050 years old."
"Um…?" Emma gawped and rolled on her side, leaning to her elbow. "You are kidding me, right?"
"No. Asgardians and Jotuns have a long lifespan compared to mortals," he explained but fell silence realizing it now too; he was going to live a painfully lot longer than she.
Emma shook her head and let out a confused laugh. "Damn! I knew I liked a bit older men, but… Wow! Blowing out all the candles on your birthday cake must be fun. You know you don't look a day older than 1000."
Loki let out a soft chuckle, turning on his side and imitating her position, being face to face with her. "Oh, you too look younger than you claim to be," he admitted and made a quick calculation. "I swear I thought you were 17 when we met."
Emma grinned at him knitting her brows. "And yet you kissed me?" she asked in a disapproving way. "And you we willing to have sex with me thinking that I was underage? What kind of kinky old man are you?"
Loki bit his lips. "Well, my age converted into mortal's years, I would be… roughly about twenty."
"Oh?" she grimaced. "So, you are actually younger than me? Oh boy! But you are not a minor, right? I can't keep dating a minor!"
"I am most certainly not." Loki shook his head amused with a sweet grin. "Is it typical for mortals to get tangled with petty details? A man who is 1025 years older than you would be fine? One who is only a few years younger than you and that would be a disaster?"
"Well, yeah. For my excuse I have to say that you look much more mature. I would say 26, at least."
"Oh, thank you, I guess. But the comparison of our ages is scarcely that straightforward. You do realize I cannot be compared to any mortal of that age. Or to any mortal. There are no men like me."
"Well, you're a damn right about that. You're over 1000 and I'm still older than you? That doesn't feel right. What would your mother say about us?"
Loki grinned finding it sweet and yet awkward she brought Frigga into his conversation. "When we met her in Greenland she said that you are lovely and she encouraged me to pay court to you."
Emma looked a bit shocked. "Oh? Did she also tell you to sleep with me?"
A playful smile lifted the corners of his perfect mouth. "Not exactly. That was all my own idea. And your mother? What would have she said about us?"
Emma grinned, she couldn't help herself. Oh god! He had made her a cougar. That should be her new mutant name. Her father had been called Wolverine so why not carry on the animal theme in the family? "I can imagine her saying; Attagirl! But my grandmother would have slapped the both of us around the ears for this. She was an old-fashioned lady. She would have loved you but as far as intimacy goes we would have been lucky if she would have let us holding hands."
For momentarily forgetting that they weren't really close to each other, she placed her hand over his and it went through his. Sadness reflected from both of their faces with the realization that they couldn't even touch one another. "Loki, what are we going to do? They will send me to some campus if I'm willing to start their training. And if I'm not…"
"Do not be downhearted, my dear. Please, do not give up on us. This war is far from over. We will beat them together," Loki assured.
"War? I don't want to fight. I don't want people getting hurt anymore. I just… want to be with you. I want to show you this world. I want to dance with you…"
"Dance?" Loki asked a bit puzzled. "The dances in Asgard are not suit for the right-minded and the last time I saw mortals dancing… It was awkward, as much to watch as to dance I am sure."
Emma smiled at him. "Was the music slow and romantic?"
Loki had a funny, considering look. That had been a few hundred years ago. "Um… no."
"Were the dancing partners close to each other, cheek to cheek? Arms around one another?"
"No… that would have been impossible."
"Were they swaying together, their bodies in same rhythm from side to side?"
A shyish grin grew on his face. "Are you sure you are describing the art of dancing here?"
"Yes, the kind of dance I want to dance with you."
He let his gentle gaze caress her. "Hm, sounds nice. That kind of dance I would like too. What else?"
"I want to walk with you along a beach like this," she said glancing around them. "I want to talk with you through the night. I want to make love to you. Fall asleep by your side and wake up, you next to me. Am I crazy? Is it too much to ask?"
Loki shook his head, sharing her dreams. "I want all that too. We can start by talking through the night."
Emma bit her lips. "I know we can't touch each other but… Um… Have you ever heard of phone-sex?"
Loki's dark brows rose in a curious way and he was interested to give it a go even he wasn't sure what a phone was. "No, but please tell me more."
… …
Thanks for reading! I'm not trying to emasculate Loki here with all the feelings he's going through. He needed to finally get honest with himself about everything he had done and he got some time to think things over so he can look forward now.
I'm excited about the next chapter because there Logan the Wolverine will finally get involved with things.
