We Tunnel Snakes were supposed to be ride or die.

We were ten or something, and it was pretty damn childish at the start. We didn't like the girls, Freddie was too snotty, and we all hated homework and our chores. So obviously, we decided that us best friends were gonna make the best gang in the whole Vault.

Even had a secret handshake.
Well.
It was more that you shook a guy's hand and then tried to punch him as fast as you could in the other arm.

Honestly, those were the best times. Just before we actually grew up, and before we had any understandin' of how the world in here worked.

It must have been hilarious to watch from the outside. Imagine, a trio of short idiot kids runnin' around and causing a whole Vault of adults to clutch their pearls and pop the veins in their foreheads.

I assure ya. It was all very low stakes, but I didn't really think about more back then.

One of my favourite pranks was the Hot Dog Butt.
Which I know is a dumb name but hear me out.

Anyways. I was mad because I had detention for a week for 'disrespecting authority'. I made fart noises when the Overseer walked into class one day. So in revenge, I told the Snakes my plan.

We went to the bathroom block outside of Admin at 9 am on a Saturday. Placed little squeezy packs of ketchup and mustard just under the little knobs of a toilet seat, where it's supposed to meet the bowl. I made sure we set every single toilet in the block up, because this was likely ever going to work once. And then, we stole all the TP.

Us boys hid around the corner in the hall as, right on cue, The Overseer went inside to take his 9:30 post-coffee shit.

Shouda seen us rolling on the floor and howling in laugher after we heard his strangled cussin' and crying out.

I know the sauce wasn't literally on his ass, but imaginin' that stuck up dickhead having to deal with that mess and having to zip up back into his jumpsuit to waddle all the way to his apartment to shower off the stuff was (and is) hilarious imagery.

We were caught immediately due to all the noise we were making, and we had to clean the Classroom and Admin restroom blocks each morning for a week… But it was worth it.

It was that stupid shit I loved. Just getting a rise outta people. A few tossups here and there ain't bad either when needed, but I ultimately prefer the stuff that doesn't end with me getting hit.
There's always a few exceptions though.

Like a year or so back before the G.O.A.T., we were messing with Amata, shooting the shit and bothering her before the big test. She'd been going on and on all week like Mr Brotch and her daddy about how important it this was, and how we should take it seriously and stop being so noisy during self-study time, and yada yada yada.

Abigail stomped up to me, demanding I shut up. I told her I wasn't listenin' to a pipsqueak Poindexter. Her face flushed, her eyebrows squirming with all the rage her lil heart could muster, and said "Knock it off, or I'm gonna knock that look off your face."

I rolled my eyes and said in the most patronising tone possible, "You keep talkin' like that girl, I'll send ya home to daddy with more than a few broken bones to fix."

And I underestimated her at the time. She was no saint back then. We pulled each other's hair and other stupid shit as kids. But, I didn't expect her to actually start brawling with me minutes before a test she'd usually be studying herself sick for.

And the Tunnel Snakes were different back then. Wally and Paul immediately had backed me up and grabbed Abby by the arms to string her up. But I was an idiot and said somethin' like "Nah, let her, I wanna see how this goes". Because I was/am a cocky asshole.

We got a good few hits on each other. Wally and Paul were cheering and goading from the sidelines, she hit me square in the eye and left me with a shiner that lasted two weeks, I punched her hard enough in the nose to earn her the nickname Nosebleed.

Amata eventually came back with Mr Brotch, who took me by the collar and marched me to the Clinic while Abby got to just walk alongside him.
Double standards, am I right?

We got told off in the most gentle way possible, as Doc plugged her nose with tissue and shone lots of annoying lights in my eyes. The worst part wasn't even the detentions where we had to write essays after school for two weeks. It was the fact that as soon as we stopped bleeding we were tossed right back into the Classroom and still had to take to take the god damn test.

And there was distinctly no winner in that fight.
So neither of us won.
So what I'm sayin' is that Abby's a revisionist liar.

… Why does everything come back to Abby?
I was thinking about the Boys.

The shitty thing, I suppose, was the fact that we all just… split, after that.

I miss Paulie. He's always the easiest to shoot the shit with. He's hard to find though nowadays, Stanley runnin' him ragged all over the Vault patching things. And when he ain't working, he's studying.

Paulie.
Studying
.

Little bitch didn't cram for a test in his life, and still got Bs and As, it's a miracle we ever hung out with such a nerd.

I'd go bother him more, but after that joke about how if he doesn't study the systems, the whole Vault goes kaput… I think I understand the value of a good study sesh in his case.

The other one, though…

I've been butting heads with Wally Fuckin' Mack for a while. When we were younger, we'd all fuck around and call each other names, start a couple fights, talk shit about others. But he started… I dunno.

He was getting way too intense.

He wanted to start fights like all the fuckin' time, and I wanted some weeks where I wasn't beat up to all hell, you know? And I know I sound like a hypocritical dick head when I say that the way he talks about the girls is disgusting, but there's a limit. A crude joke here and there don't really hurt anybody. The way he can talk… there's a creepy venom in his voice when he talks about them. And the actual things I've heard him say – It's actually fucked up.

Wally had been tryin'a make himself King Shit of Fuck Mountain for a year, calling me a pussy and whatever and tryin'a step up and punch down to become the leader. But he sure dumped us quick the moment he was assigned to Security and started training.

And I thought I was cool with that. Whatever, we're better off without that dickhead, right?

But now he just comes from a place of fuckin' authority. What a joke. He was as bad as me and Paulie fucking around Security and The Overseer. And now he can strut around and act like he's holier than thou 'cause he has a baton, a vest, and a gun.

I think I knocked a tooth loose today though.
That oughta make him think about who's really the king fuckin' cobra around here.


The door to the jail cell shudders open, revealing an exhausted-looking Abigail.

"Ain't your daddy in tonight?" I ask, trying to not grunt as I lean forward.

Officer Wilkins sneers, as Officer Taylor stiffens his lip in offense on behalf of Abigail. She just sighs.

"He is busy attending to another patient in the clinic." She says, a touch stern.

"Miss Chance will be patching you as I watch." Taylor interjects with his waverin' drawl, leading Abigail in and switching the door closed behind them both. "Make sure no funny business occurs."

She flashes a small smile at him. "Thank you, Officer Taylor."

Abigail stands in front of me, an imposing figure as she rifles through her first aid satchel. She snaps on gloves in ten seconds flat, before soaking some cotton pads with water from the bottle that she brought along.

Abigail touches under my jaw, almost stroking my chin. "Lift your head, please."

I raise an eyebrow as I look up at her, but I'm quickly interrupted by her splattering a wet pad onto my forehead. That, and the gloves, really ruined the romance of such a scene.

"Could you tell me how this happened?" she asks, as she lifts the bloodied pad off of me and studies my face. Do I look that messed up?

I smirk, even if my mouth does hurt. "I met up with Wally. Had a good talk."

That motherfucker was sniffing around Maintenance when he's scheduled to patrol the Atrium and Upper Levels. He was too close.
It was an excellent opportunity to tell him how I really felt, anyways.

Abigail hums absentmindedly, moving my head gently. "It looks like you won't need stitches, that's good."

Yeah, Floyd in Engineering was working late and heard the toss up. I woulda loved to pummel that Mack bastard some more. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm glad he didn't have enough time to whip out that chickenshit baton.
That could've really fucked my face up.

She readies another pad with antiseptic. "Are there any injuries on your torso, or below?"

"Abby," I fake shock, "the Officers are watching – "

"Mister DeLoria." Taylor shoots me a withering look. "You respect Miss Chance, or we'll have to escort her out while you're still making a mess on the floor."

"I don't have the correct equipment here to examine for internal injuries." Abigail clarifies, completely unbothered. "I'm just applying immediate first aid and taking note of the damage."

She pauses for a moment, just before applying the pad to my cheek. "This will sting."


Her hands flutter over my face. Applying ointments, checking swelling, looking for hidden cuts. I woulda enjoyed her fingers on my lips, but getting a split lip glued back together hurts like a son of a bitch. After bandaging some of the nastier grazes, she holds my hands in what I can only call a caress.

She drums her fingers along the top of my ugly, bruised hands. I look up and realise she was waiting for me to meet her eyes.

It's a look I don't think I've seen before. Her brow just slightly furrowed. Her lips are stiff, to seem neutral and unaffected. She's putting on a face. And I can't stand it.

She's such a hothead, so easily flustered, and I can read her.
And when I can't…

Her grey eyes are focused entirely on me.

"Take a picture, why don't ya?" I sneer, forgetting that she just fuckin' fixed my lip. And before I can even flinch away –

She's got her hands on my jaw and cheek, prying open my mouth and manipulating my head like I'm some kinda doll.

"Wa tha?" I spit, before she shushes me.

"I thought you sounded different." She mutters to herself more than anything. "There's a laceration on your tongue, about an inch long on the left side. Must have bitten it during some sort of impact."

She pulls away, finally "It looks superficial, though. It'll be painful, but it will heal on its own with time."

I lean back into the wall with a groan, forgetting that someone fuckin' kicked me in the ribs. "Got it."

She blinks for a moment, before clearing her throat and ripping her gloves off.

Taylor pipes up. "He's looking a sight better. Are there any other immediate injuries I can write up in the incident report?"

Abigail spins on her heel, switching back to her Friendly Nurse schtick. "All visible injuries tended to, so there's nothing else for the moment. The Clinic will message Security when Officer Mack is discharged so that my father can have Butch escorted over for a comprehensive examination. I'll forward over the injury report to you once it's completed."

Taylor smiles, eyes crinkling. "Ah, thank you Miss Chance. Here, let's get you on your way…"

Abigail collects her supplies, avoiding me.

Taylor switches the door back open and shuffles her outta here.

The HVAC hums, the only sound left after their voices are sealed away beyond the cell door.