Change of Heart
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Thisis my SEQUEL to AU version to a different outcome from the RISE episode in Canon COURSE CORRECTION and UNEXPECTED DETOUR, you will need to read those first to understand this work. This picks up exactly where we left off, no time jumps longer than a few months.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only
Chapter 4
Previously
Finally, 5 hours after the first command of Get out of here, came the smoke had cleared. Gina took the barricade down, satisfied that her girl would have the gown, shoes and accessories she wanted. The entire group realized it had been a long time since they had eaten, and that they were only minutes away from the New Year.
Rick called and ordered Chinese food as they all gathered around the TV with Dick Clark, spending the last 15 minutes of the old year, locked in their thoughts, emotions, and regrets from the year just passed. In a few minutes the slate would be wiped clean, everyone got a new chance for new dreams, resolutions, and changes.
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Castle's Loft
Friday January 1st
NEW YEARS DAY
7:45 AM
Kate was again the first to rise, or so she thought. She glanced at the counter and there in Alexis beautiful handwriting was a note,
Family,
We couldn't sleep, so we went to the park to ice skate, be back in a bit. We can't tell you how much we appreciate and love you all, Kate, Gina, Mandy, I don't know what I would have done without you. Shane said he felt the same about his Dads, Gary and Rick. Anyway, we love you all, back soon
Lex_Shane
Kate started the coffee, and walked to the window, looking down at the newly fallen snow, how fresh, innocent it was. She prayed for Alexis that the whirlwind of a wedding and then life as a Military Wife would not over power the young lady. She was strong, but this was testing her to the limits.
She had just about finished her first cup and returned to real time, when she realized, Mandy was also getting coffee.
"Good Morning Mandy, how'd you sleep, or should I ask?" Kate smiled
"Well, it's a lot going on for sure. I've never seen Shane happier, but well, I wanted to talk to Alexis, then thought, no, maybe I should just write her a letter. I want to help her with the shock of becoming a military wife" She said timidly,
"Mandy, I think that's a good idea, I mean I'm sure she will be OK, but if she had a heads up, maybe it would help her get prepared a little more." Kate smiled
"You really think so Kate, I mean the last thing I want to do is come off as a meddling mother-in-law, especially now." Mandy was almost in tears
Kate crossed the room and gathered Mandy into a hug. "The only thing any of us are thinking about right now are the kids, we have a week to pull off this wedding, then be here for support for Alexis, you and each other"
"You know when I first met Rick, I never imagined, not in my wildest dreams he would have such a wonderful family. Alexis is my daughter now too, and Gina and you, God it might look weird to others but you know it works and we are family.
I know Gary feels the same way, this all very new to him. He and Grace his first wife had two sons that are estranged since we started seeing each other the first time, probably why he moved so fast. I felt awful but he told me it wasn't my fault; they would have acted the same with anyone other than their mother." She said quietly
"I'm so sorry, but don't blame yourself, Gary's right, give them time, if they come around great if not their loss" Kate could tell all Mandy needed was a shoulder to unload on.
"Kate, can I ask, what do you think about this?" as Mandy pulled the charm with the verse Shand had engraved for her, The Marine Wife."
Kate looked at it, read it, and lost it, tears flowing freely, after a few minutes composing herself, "It's beautiful, God Mandy he's so romantic. "
"Well this part he can't take credit for, as Mandy pulled out a similar charm, well worn, but with the same verse, His Dad is the original, and yeah they both are romantics."
"Shane's giving Alexis her charm now, so when I write the letter, I won't ruin his surprise. I just hope Alexis takes it the way it's intended." Mandy sighed,
"You know, Gina would know her better than me, why don't you run it by her, she's Mom to Alexis and always will be." Kate said quietly, not noticing that Gina was directly behind her,
"Kate, that was so sweet of you to say, I'm not sure if it's correct, but Thank You, what do you want to run by me Mandy," Gina asked as the three ladies stood in almost a group hug. Mandy showed Gina the original and new charm, and once again there was a tear burst,
"God, I've cried more the last two days than I did the entire year, Mandy the letter will be great, Alexis will thank you for it, and that charm God we all know he loves her but this is him laying it right out there for anyone to see. That boy is one of a kind, I'm so happy for Alexis, it's what she's wished for her entire life."
ICE SKATING RINK
CENTRAL PARK
8:10 AM New Years Day
Shane had fibbed a bit to Alexis, telling her he wasn't that good of a skater, it didn't take her long to figure him out,
"Shane, where's your left arm when your right is in the jump doing a flea hop" Alexis asked out of the blue,
"It should be by your waist, some hold it lower DAMN you caught me, how did you figure it out", he laughed,
"Seriously, you wanted to cuddle, or cop a feel, how lame, hell just say so, I want you too, I know it's crowded at home, but I think I can work something out with Mom" she laughed as he blushed.
"You really want me as badly as I want you Alexis? I mean I asked you to marry me because I love you, not to have a sex partner, so babe if you don't feel up to it, *"
"Shane, Baby Shut Up, I got my Birth Control re-started the day I met you, I hadn't needed it or wanted it for the last two years. Do I want you? NO I wanted you last week, I NEED you now Baby" Alexis blushed, but Shane gently lifted her face and kissed her like he had never done so before.
"I love you Alexis, I really didn't know what the hell that word meant till I met you. All I know is whatever you want, I want, I want to breathe your scent so deep I won't be able to forget it. I want to memorize every little move, like when you wrinkle your nose, so I can replay them in my mind.
I want to hear your voice in my ear so that it can drown out all of the horror I know I will hear. I want you to wear this charm, along with the ring, and know this is what I think about my wife" he pulls out a small little box and handed it to her, as she was totally lost in his eyes,
She fumbled with the wrapping paper finally getting the box open, and when she read, she wrapped her arms around her man, tightly, crying like she would never stop. This man, God he was so thoughtful. He held her, like only he could slowly calm her to the point he could tell the story of how his Dad had given his Mom the identical charm when he first deployed.
He gently took it from her trembling hands, and attached the clasp, as her fingers went from his ring to the charm, God she loved her Marine. The returned to the Loft walking with arms around each other, and her head on his shoulder.
When they walked into the Loft, they could tell that the three ladies had been talking about them. Gina crossed the floor and hugged them both, Alexis whispered something in her ear, and Gina quickly nodded her head yes. Then Mandy hugged Shane and Alexis crossed and pulled Kate into a hug.
Gina asked Alexis if she had a minute, and they went into the guest room,
"Baby are you on Birth Control? If not, I can get in touch*"
"Mom, that's covered, I just need some time to spend with him, God, I want him so bad, I ache and I know if we stay here everyone will try to do what's right. I just want a few hours of privacy; time is running out on us."
"Sure baby, here's the FOB, I'll cover for you here, and as much as your Dad loves Shane, don't broadcast where you're going or doing, ALL Dads have issues with men and their little girls," she smiled,
"I know Mom, Thanks. We'll stay for a little while then slip out again, Thanks Mom, God you all have been so terrific,"
As Alexis came out of the room, Kate caught her in a sweet hut and whispered, "Sweetie, if you need some privacy, my apartment is available, just let me know"
Alexis pulled back from the hug smiling, and then kissed Kate's cheek as she whispered "Thanks Kate got Mom's key, we're slipping out in a bit."
Next was Mandy who smiled, seeing the tear stains, and the new chain, around Alexis neck.
"I see he gave you the charm, I hope it brings you as much peace as mine did and still does for me." As she pulled the original one out
Alexis hugged her, "He never stops surprising me all in the right way. I never thought I could love anything or anyone as much as I do him, Mandy, God what am I going to do."
"Sweetie, I wrote you a letter with some tips, read it when you two are alone, let him hold you and know you are one of the few blessed with true love." As she handed Alexis the letter.
Three Hours Later
Gina's Townhouse
Alexis and Shane barely made it though the front door, to the guest room until they consummated the marriage, three times. Alexis, normally the shy reserved one, came alive like a cat on a hot tin roof, and to say it was satisfying to both, would be an understatement.
"Shane, your Mom wrote me a letter, and told me to read it while you held me. She said you would help me understand where she's coming from. Should I be worried,"
"No Sweetheart, not at all, just read it, I'll be right here and if it's what I think it is you'll need these as he put a box of tissue on her nightstand.
Xx
Dear Alexis,
When you found out your husband, my son was getting deployed, your world, as did all of ours changed completely. The man you just agreed to share your life with, pledged to love for eternity before God, family and friends is leaving. Like all things in life there are never any guarantees he will come home.
From my experience with his Dad, I jotted down some feelings and emotions I know will hit you, and when they do, know your support system is here for you.
The days since you found out have flown fly by quicker than any time you have ever known. The days have been consumed with nonstop professions of I love you, taking pictures, more hugs, more kisses and sighs because Real Life is coming too fast.
You've made a career out of trying not to cry too hard so you don't make him feel bad ... laying your head on his chest trying to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the way he holds you, the way he looks into your eyes like no one has ever done, the kisses, both the short sweet and long needy kisses that tell you he is already missing you, his laughter and his cologne. Holding his hand and not wanting to let go, not even for a second. A million kisses and hugs. Saying I love you 100 times a day and still questioning whether you have said it enough.
You've had that conversation, (he made you) about injuries, death and his wishes if it happens. Spending the last week together, but having to share him with other family, because you love him enough to know how much I do as well, the entire time seeing smiles that conceals heartache for him, for you and for us all.
You've watched families hug more than they probably have in a year, and children running around oblivious of the danger that awaits their father or mother. Had moments of laughter, and the next second reality hits and your tears start to flow without warning or control. You've watched other families before they deploy, men holding their newborn babies knowing they will miss their first giggle, word, and wonder if they will know him when they get home.
You've seen mothers like myself, treating their grown son as if he was a kid again, and they always will. You've allowed it because you understand the love, the why, and the need for a mother to be near her son.
You've tried to memorize everyone's face and last name in Shane's Unit because when he calls, he'll never use their first name when he talks about them. Your heart aches knowing that you're not able to be there when they are acknowledged to show them and tell them how proud of them you are and always will be.
You've attended a send-off ceremony and watched your husband and his fellow Marines recite the Marines Creed, and felt like you are the luckiest girl in the world to be married to a hero. They stand strong and proud in perfect formation.
They are clearly disciplined and well-trained. It's a side of him you have never seen before, even if you thought you knew everything about him.
The last day together you'll fight back tears every second and wonder how you can just walk away from him. Little do you know he's fighting the same battle with his emotions, but he won't crack, he won't break, He's a Marine.
You'll struggle to walk to the car and drive away without him, only to pull over moments later to breakdown in tears and a hurt you have never felt before. A hurt that only he can cure, but he's doing his job, what he signed up for, so must you do yours.
Your home, no matter where it's located is just a house now. Every day starts and ends with thoughts of him, worrying and watching the clock to calculate what time it is half way around the world. No matter how hard you try to stay busy, the stress doesn't go away. It's a roller coaster ride, and life won't let you get off.
Friends will struggle to say the right things to help, but feel helpless as well. It's an invisible barrier that separates even the closest family. Being alone some days is more comforting than forcing yourself to be in a good mood to have coffee, or chat with a friend.
Doing laundry and realizing there are none of his clothes to do will bring more tears, and wishes that there were. Setting the table for two at dinner even if you are there alone. Sleeping on the couch for weeks because you can't bear to sleep in your bed when he is on a cot, and it's just not the same without him next to you. Leaving his combat boots next to the front door because it comforts you, and they won't be moved until he is home.
Feeling guilty for enjoying a sunny day, a good movie or just a ride in the car. Avoiding phone calls because you just can't talk about it, again. "I'm fine" is never enough, but you can't make them understand no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you will alienate yourself so you don't have to fake a smile or conversation, it's just too damn hard.
Wanting to just scream and yell until you have no voice left, and wiping away those endless tears. "Snapping out of it" will take a year. Bonding with Marine wives you just met, and pouring your heart out because it's easier than telling your best friend.
Wondering if he will be the same person he was when he left and feel comfortable in his own home when he gets back. Feeling selfish for having a pity party when he has it a lot worse. Watching the news when you are told not to.
Knowing when you talk, he will never tell you he had to dive under something to avoid getting hurt or he just came back from a mission that you didn't know he went on. Not knowing who you are at the end of the day because you can't be who you were without him.
The word "why" is the first word in everything you think about. You try to stay positive, BUT no matter how hard you try, you're always thinking the worst-case scenario. Wanting to sleep the whole next year because it's the only time you get a break from worrying. In reality sleep is only a couple hours here and there.
You'll avoid your favorite foods, CDs or TV shows that you enjoyed together because you have no one's hand to hold or arms to lay in. You'll wear his shirt while he is gone and spray a pillowcase with his cologne to snuggle up to.
You'll try to pray harder than you ever have in your life, maybe even light a candle but still feel like a hypocrite because right now you are angry with God for taking your husband away from you, not knowing if he is safe or not minute to minute. You'll walk around with a lump in your throat and a pit in your stomach for the next year. You'll reply "thank you, he's fine," to those asking about him because if you say too much you'll just cry, like you have done for the past ten days. You'll truly feel more lost, scared and powerless than you have ever been in your life, and you will every single day he's away.
You'll wonder why you are here, and you'll just go through the motions of getting up, getting ready and going through your day clutching your phone, praying that today is the day he calls. When he does call you get an instant high just knowing he is okay, and trying not to forget to tell him about all things you did that day, but leaving the part out about acting like a mad woman because life without him seems like a waste of time.
You'll want people to understand the soldiers don't want to be there either. They want peace like all of us do. You'll question where all the patriotism that surfaced that day in September went.
Finally, you'll wonder why, why your husband is off risking life and limb for those left here making a mockery out of our democracy. Then you'll hear his words, I serve my country to allow those to have the freedoms to act the way they do, even if their values are not the same as mine.
Your mind will flash a picture of Shane, standing tall, brave and handsome, and then you'll feel the sense of pride a Marine Wife can only feel. He's a hero, and so are you. You'll reach for the charm that he gave you, and read once again, the words he had inscribed for you, knowing you will have these days, and tomorrow it will all start again.
The Marine Wife
A Woman for all seasons
A woman for today
She grows to meet the challenges,
And grows along the way
Her life is not an easy one,
With many loads to bear,
But she proudly serves her
husband, and the uniform he wears,
Throughout the years she marches
On through tears, joy and strife
She's America's unsung hero
She's a Marine Wife - (Author Unknown, adapted for Marine Wife)
Alexis, you're so much more than my son's wife, you're the daughter I never had, one of the only women I feel safe in turning my little boy over to, yes even though he's a man, he will always be my little boy. I know you love him more than anything in this world, and Sweetie, I want you to know if there ever comes a time when any of the things I described above occurs and you need anything, I'm a phone call away. I walked the road you are starting on, and my prayer for you is that you can bear the immense pressure no one realizes you are under, I do Baby, call me, I'm here if you need me,
Always
Mandy
Shane was right, it was almost a two-tissue box letter, she just laid in his arms as he held her. IF wishes came true, this is how she would want time to freeze, but life goes on, for us all. She would do all she could to spend every minute possible with him, and then be as brave as he and Mandy seem to think she is, she had her doubts, but for now, she just wants to be held by her man.
A/N Mandy's letter to Alexis is based on a letter written by Jennifer Chaloux to her husband, Spc. Matthew Chaloux before he deployed from Georgia National Guard. No copyright infringement intended.
