By the time Donna walks through the door, she is well and truly exhausted. Exhausted, drenched, hungry and pissed off, to be exact. She'd had a meeting on the other side of town, which had gone well, but that was the only thing that had. As she was leaving, the skies had opened and her umbrella hadn't been able to withstand the torrential downpour, leaving her soaked and miserable in minutes.
On top of that, she hadn't been able to find a cab-they always disappear with the rain in New York-and once she finally had, they'd been stuck in horrible traffic due to some incident close to the building where her meeting had been held.
To top off her crapshoot of an afternoon, her phone had died, so she couldn't even call Harvey to let him know what was going on. 'Hey, I'm home. You better have a very large glass of wine ready for me, you won't believe what kind of...' She is cut off mid-sentence by Harvey, coming out of nowhere and pulling her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest. She lets out a startled laugh. 'Well, hi! Not that I don't appreciate a greeting like this, but I am soaked right now, and if you don't let go of me, you will be to.' She says teasingly. He just holds her tighter, not saying a word. She runs a hand through his hair, frowning. 'Hey. What's going on?' She says softly, sensing that something was not right. When he doesn't respond, she pulls away from him slightly, forcing him to look at her.
His face is pale, and there is sweat on his forehead and upper lip. His eyes look dark and haunted, and the lines around them are more pronounced than usual. Her level of concern goes up about a hundred points. 'Harvey, what is it? Did something happen?Are you alright?' She says, hearing the panic in her own voice. He looks at her, as if memorising the contours of her face. 'Why didn't you answer your phone?' Is the first thing he says. His voice sounds wrong , flat and almost lifeless.
She blinks up at him, trying to get a read on him. 'The battery died, I've been stuck in a cab for two hours. Something was going on close to the building where my meeting was...' she cuts herself off when he pulls away from her, walking over to the drink trolley, and attempting to pour himself a scotch. She says attempting, because his hands are shaking so much, he spills more than he pours. 'Harvey...you are scaring me here...what's going on? Please talk to me' She says softly, shedding her soaked heels, and walking cautiously over to where he stands, not touching him yet, afraid to spook him.
She watches him take an unsteady breath. 'There was a shooting... near where you had your meeting...and I couldn't...you wouldn't answer your phone..nobody would tell me anything and you wouldn't answer your phone and I just...' he stops talking abruptly, his breathing becoming short and choppy, and suddenly it all makes a horrible kind of sense. He'd thought...oh God...he'd thought she had been... she cuts off that line of thinking, it's not important right now, only he is and he needs her.
She's pretty sure she's witnessing the beginning of a panic attack. She tries to remember all of the things she read about them after she found out he'd been having them, how she might be able to help him if the need ever arose.
That all goes out the window and she lets instinct take over. She hurries over to him and gets in front of him, cradling his face between her hands. His eyes meet hers, frantic and scared. 'Hey...Hey, Harvey it's okay, I'm okay, I'm right here with you, okay? I'm right here, I'm fine. I'm fine. Come on honey, breathe with me, okay?' She murmurs softly, grabbing both of his hands and placing them on her chest. 'Can you feel that? Deep breath, in and out, do it with me honey, come on' she watches him struggle to follow her instruction for a few awful seconds before he manages to do what she asks, and takes a deep shuddering breath. 'Yeah. That's it, just like that. It's okay. It's all going to be fine, just breathe with me, you're okay.' She says softly. He takes a few more deep breaths, eyes squeezed shut, breathing her in.
They stand there like that, just breathing together, for what seems like a long time. She doesn't care. She'll stand there with him all night if he needs it.
Finally he opens his eyes and looks down at her. She breathes out a sigh of relief, because they are clear, he looks like himself again. She smiles shakily up at him. 'Hey.' She murmurs. He laughs a little brokenly. 'Hey...I'm sorry you had to...' she cuts him off quickly. 'No. You are not going to apologise for that. Not to me. Not ever. I am the one who should be sorry. God Harvey, if I had have known, I would have found some way to let you know I was okay, I'm so sorry' she whispers. He shakes his head. 'It's okay... it's not your fault.' He extracts his hands from where she is still clasping them tightly to her chest, and pulls her into his arms, burying his face in her hair.
She hugs him back tightly, hands running soothingly down his back. 'God Donna, I was so terrified. They wouldn't let me anywhere near there, and nobody was telling me anything. You wouldn't answer your phone and I really thought...' He trails off, his voice breaking. She squeezes her eyes shut, and holds him tighter, not responding, waiting to see if he'll open up more. She isn't disappointed.
'I thought...that you might have been hurt..or..God...worse, and I just couldn't...I couldn't...' she can hear his breathing start to pick up again, and pulls back quickly to meet his eyes, 'Hey. I'm here. I'm fine. Nothing happened to me, I'm right here, with you, okay?' She says, low and soothing. He nods slightly, breathing evening out. 'Yeah. I know. It's just...I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.' He murmurs. She smiles crookedly, reaching up on her toes, to lean her forehead against his own. 'Well I promise I'm going to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen, okay?' She whispers. He nods again, closing his eyes. She can see the lines of fatigue on his face.
In her research on panic and anxiety attacks, one of the things she read was that once they were over, they could leave the person feeling exhausted.
She should get him into bed, she knew, but he seemed content to stay here like this, holding on to her. She wouldn't begrudge him that, especially when it was as much for her as it was for him.
She'd never seen him have a panic attack before, probably because her leaving him had been the catalyst for them beginning in the first place. She'd heard about them, from Louis and Mike, sure. It wasn't the same as seeing it happen in front of you. It was horrible, seeing him like that. It made her feel helpless and a little bit desperate. To help, to fix. It's what she did. Especially for him. The fact that once again, she had been the cause for one of these happening to him again, just about killed her.
She feels him slump against her a little more, relaxing into her hold on him. She feels so grateful that she can do this for him, be his safe place. It's all she's ever really wanted. She runs her hands up his back and into his hair soothingly. 'You okay?' She whispers. She feels him nod against her neck. 'Yeah.. I feel okay now.. just stay like this with me for a while longer?' He murmurs. She smiles, turning her head to kiss his cheek. 'As long as you need. I'm not going anywhere.' She says. His arms tighten around her, and she lets the peacefulness of the moment steal over them.
It's much later, after they've showered and are curled up in bed, his head on her chest, right over her heart, that she asks what she's been wanting to ask for a while now. 'Is that the first one you've had since..' she trails off, not really knowing how to finish her question.
He's quiet for such a long time, she thinks he must have fallen asleep, when he answers her. 'Yes. I haven't had one in a long time. Can't say I missed them.' He says wryly. She ignores that. 'You know.. we've never talked about them.' She says tentatively, her hand running soothingly through his hair. He's quiet for a moment. 'I know. To be honest, I didn't know how to talk to you about them. We weren't exactly on the best terms when they started happening. Also I never wanted..' He trails off. She hums, urging him to continue. '...I never wanted to make you feel guilty, and I really didn't want it to be the reason you came back to me.' He finishes, his voice soft.
Her heart breaks a little at his admission. She knows how hard this is for him, to be so vulnerable. He spent years hiding his feelings and emotions away, in a locked box. She had chipped away at them slowly over the years, and things were so much better now they were together, but it's still not easy for him. Her chest swells with pride at how far he's come. 'I do. Feel guilty, that is. I know it's not all on me, but my leaving was the trigger. I can't tell you that I wouldn't have left, because it was something I needed to do, for me. I can tell you that had I known what was going on, I would have found a way to be there for you. I would have wanted to' She says, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. 'I know you would have' He says, voice soft and sure. She smiles against his hair.
'You know, I don't regret any of it. All the crap that we went through, all the different ways we hurt each other over the years. It all led us here.' She whispers. She feels him move, leaning up and over her, looking into her eyes. She sees so much on his face, all that he feels for her, right there. She wonders if it will ever stop taking her breath away. She hopes it never does.
'The only thing I regret... is that it took me so long to see what was right in front of my stupid face.' He says with a smirk. 'We could have been doing this for years' he says in a low, teasing voice. She laughs, loud and surprised. 'Really, you think so?' She quips. He kisses her, soft and quick. 'Maybe. If you'd have let me. I was pretty stupid for awhile there, when it came to you' He says.
She wraps her arms around his shoulders, bringing him in closer to her. 'You know, it wasn't all on you. I wasn't much better. I'll tell you something I do know. There's no getting rid of me now, Specter. You are stuck with me' She says, smiling up at him. 'You know what, Paulsen? I wouldn't have it any other way' he murmurs, before he kisses her again.
