AN: Hey my loves. Life has been really hard lately, and I'm so sorry for not being around to update! I'm hoping to get back into the swing of updating this story (as well as working on a couple of others) - currently aiming for every two weeks! Thanks for sticking with me all this time...the kind, encouraging words I frequently receive in reviews and PMs are so nice and I'm so thankful for ya'll.
The news of April's murder ripples through the Boston Police Department like a shockwave, the horror of losing one of their own in such violent circumstances hitting everyone harder than they could ever have imagined.
Jane stands in front of her open closet in her underwear, staring blankly at the pressed B.P.D uniform that she's yet to put on. The last few days have been a blur of interviews and statements and paperwork and there is something so incomprehensible about the goodbye they'll be saying in a short time that Jane struggles to contain her unexpected emotions, head dropping as she inhales a determined breath.
She's angry at herself, despite knowing that she did everything she could - that there is no way that she and Maura could have saved April. She's tortured herself with what-ifs, spent an entire weekend running a thousand different scenarios through her mind.
What if she'd insisted on police supervision?
What if Maura had been there before April?
What if she's a target, or worse, Maura?
She feels the bile rising in her throat as she carefully removes her uniform from the hanger and begins to dress, pants first followed by a plain white tee, then buttons the thick black dress shirt over the top. She attaches her badge to the top left-hand pocket and she's securing the tie around her neck when she hears Maura climb the stairs, entering their bedroom with a coffee in one hand and a black dress draped over her other arm.
"Coffee?"
"Yes. God, yes." Jane takes it from her gratefully, relishing the smell before she takes a long drink, sighing to herself as she swallows.
"It feels extremely inappropriate to comment on how much your uniform is doing it for me right now, but I'll say it anyway. Wow."
"Doin' it for you, huh? You want some of this?" Jane retrieves her black leather belt from its hanger, snapping the end of it loudly and Maura grins, laying her dress out on the bed and then crossing to tug the belt from Jane's grip.
"Later." She leans up to kiss Jane, then threads the belt through the loops of Jane's pants for her, buckling it swiftly. "When I help you out of this, this is where I'll start. It can be your reward for today." She taps her fingernails against the buckle, then turns away, shredding the robe she's wearing.
"I see what's happening here. You bribing me cause you know I'd rather remove my own teeth than go."
"Is it working?"
"Yes." Jane stretches, one hand coming to the back of her neck and massaging the tense muscle she finds there are she watches Maura move around the room, bare skin prickled by the cold. "But you're gonna ruin your own plan if you carry on walkin' around half-naked."
Maura chuckles, stepping into the black dress and pulling it up her body, turning on the spot and gesturing to the zip.
"Do me up?"
"Only if I can undo you with my teeth."
"Later?"
"Later."
Jane zips the dress, snaking her hands around Maura's waist when she's done, clasping Maura to her.
"I hate that we have to do this. I hate it." Jane mutters against the back of Maura's neck, dropping a kiss there before she nuzzles against her, inhaling softly.
"I know. It's okay. We have to put on a brave face, say our goodbyes and it's over."
"It's not over."
"The investigation? No. But today will be, and we can come home and I can help you forget about all this, just for a little while."
"You promise?"
"Promise."
The service is a demure, professional affair, the mourners made up solely of April's colleagues and friends that had managed to make it into town on short notice.
There are no readings, no hymns, no religion - simply a sea of brightly colored flowers and happy songs, a fitting tribute to the woman they're lowering into the open grave as Jane watches, hand discreetly slipping down to squeeze Maura's as they stand huddled together against the breeze.
Jane is relieved when it's through and the crowd slowly begins to disperse, the quiet chatter filling the uncomfortable silence left behind.
"We're having a few drinks at the Dirty Robber. You comin'?" Frost asks and Jane shakes her head, voice lowered as she leans in to speak to him.
"No. I need to show Maura something."
"Here?"
"Don't ask. I can't explain. I'll catch you later."
"You know I'm not leaving you here alone J."
Jane sighs, shoulders sagging as she pinches the bridge of her nose.
"I need a couple of minutes. Alone."
"I'll be here. Where you going?"
"I don't need a fuckin' minder Frost."
Jane's voice rings out sharply and Frost takes hold of a forearm, escorting her to one side, out of vocal range of the lingering mourners.
"And I don't need to see you being lowered into the ground like this either."
"I can defend myself. Do you think I can't? You think I need these fuckin' baby cops hanging around, waiting to see if they come for me next?" She flicks her jacket to the side, hand resting on the gun in her holster for emphasis as Frost squares up to her, hands on his hips.
"You need to calm down."
"And you need to stop telling me what to do."
"Maybe you should take some leave."
"I'm not gonna hide away like some victim, Frost." She almost spits the words, face etched with anger as she stares him down.
"The last thing you need is to draw attention to yourself like you're doing right now. Calm down."
"Don't fuckin' tell me to calm down."
"Jane."
The anger that's gradually filled her during the last week threatens to boil over as her lips curls into a snarl, eyes filling with tears as she peers over her shoulder at Maura.
"You know how angry and terrified and tired I am? Every tiny fuckin' noise in the night has me on edge, like anyone who passes too close is ready to pull a knife on me when my back is turned. I can't be calm if calm means dropping my guard."
"You don't have to drop your guard. Let someone help."
"Who? You wanna come and sit through the night, watching over us? Wanna escort us around the building in case someone decides to get a little stabby?"
"If it means I don't lose you, then yeah. We're all prepared to do that, J. You don't have to do this alone."
The warmth in his voice crumples Jane's face and she drops her gaze to her feet, sniffling loudly.
"It's not about being the strongest, or the fiercest. You don't have to be the one solely responsible for your safety. Let us help."
She nods, exhaling before she looks back up at him, clapping a hand against his upper arm.
"I'll think about it. Right now though, I need to talk to my girlfriend and I need to talk to her alone." Jane gestures to the far corner of the graveyard, pointing to where she plans to walk Maura. "We'll be there. In plain sight. And then we'll go to the Robber. Okay?"
"Thank you. Stubborn ass. I'll be waiting."
He departs, taking the last of the officers with him as Maura approaches Jane, smiling sadly as she steps into Jane's open arms for a soothing hug.
"You okay baby?"
"Mmhm," Maura replies as Jane presses a kiss to her forehead, then breaks apart, one hand out for Maura to hold.
"I wanna show you something. It's kinda important."
Maura doesn't question as they weave through the graveyard, Jane talking quietly as they go.
"Uhh…so…this is gonna be weird. Remember that thing I've been promising to talk to you about, but haven't exactly delivered on yet?"
"Yes."
"I figure now is as good a time as any to tell you. If you wanna hear it?"
"Of course. I'm listening."
Jane leads them to a bench across from a scattering of graves, gesturing for Maura to sit with her. She shifts uncomfortably, twisting to scan the space around them before she sits forward, elbows resting on her knees as she begins.
"When I was seventeen, I had a girlfriend. Grace. We were in school and we were on the volleyball team and we clicked. We were just friends and then we slowly became somethin' else - secretly cause her parents wouldn't have approved, and I never bothered telling mine cause I was too worried about what my Pop would say. Anyway, for months we were inseparable. Spent day and night together. Fell asleep on the phone - a real teenage obsession, you know?"
Jane laughs a bitter laugh, massaging the scar tissue on her hands for something to do as she continues.
"We were both lonely, we didn't have many friends at first, and I think that's what pushed us together. And then she started going to these weird fuckin' meetups with some of the other girls in school - their parents were friends with her parents, so I thought maybe they'd introduced each other. It wasn't a big deal, at first. But we ended up spending less and less time with each other, and she was withdrawn and I was so desperate for someone to love me and so scared of her not wanting me that I went all in. I'd have done anything to keep us together. She started asking for…personal stuff. Letters. Pictures. Videos. And I didn't question it, I only obliged. I just wanted to make her happy."
Maura resists the urge to reach out and comfort Jane, mind racing as she tries to preempt what Jane is leading up to.
"And it did make her happy, for a while. We went back to being normal, but her friends…god, those bitches were a fuckin' nightmare. You asked me about Maddie? She was their little ringleader. She was part of this group they'd both joined that protested against homosexuality in schools - statewide, not just ours. The first time she ever spoke to me was to tell me to stop seeing Grace - stop 'poisoning' her. And I refused, so the second time she dragged me into the showers after gym, she bust my nose and threatened me, and once again I refused. It seems so idiotic now, to put myself through that for nothing but I didn't care about any of them. I only cared about Grace. I was blind to anything else."
Jane doesn't stop the tears that roll down her face, wiping them away softly as she smiles at Maura.
"I thought she was harmless until she and her mob pulled a knife on me after gym one day. They pinned me to the floor and she cut me, right here." Jane hovers a palm over the scar on her ribs. "And even after all that, all I could think about was protecting Grace. Making sure she didn't get the same treatment, even though she knew what they were doing to me all along. I guess that last time scared her, cause they left me alone and I thought it was good again until Grace stayed at mine one night and she left her laptop open and I fuckin' snooped and found this email thread from Maddie. I couldn't help myself and I read through them, saw them saying all sorts of shit about me, what the school would do when they found out, how they'd protect Grace from any fallout. You'd think something woulda clicked for me then, but I was so ignorant of it. Every red flag, every damn sign that something big was happening. I ignored it, cause I thought she loved me like I loved her."
She presses a hand to her mouth to stifle a cry, gulping down air loudly.
"She asked me to the end of year dance and I was so damn happy. Ma made me a dress and came along as chaperone even though I'd asked her not to cause she wanted pictures for the family album…and she got them, just not the ones she'd expected. I walked into that hall to Grace standing at the microphone, reading out of a diary she'd taken from my room. It was…graphic. They'd made copies of the messages and photos and they were stuck up in the halls, plastered across lockers and windows. Everyone was looking at me and I stood there until my mom stepped in and hauled me out, carrying me out to the car like a baby. She didn't say anything and the minute we got home I packed my bags cause I was so sure she was gonna kick me out, but she didn't, even after my dad left. I blamed myself for him leaving but she'd kicked him out for me, to protect me. She protected me from all of them, transferred schools so I never had to see Grace or Maddie ever again."
"My mom was so understanding. She didn't care that I'd been dating a girl. I'm sure she'd have preferred not to get a glance into the lewd mind of her teenage daughter, but she loved me anyway, ya know? She spent so long trying to hold me together when I was hell-bent on tearing everything apart. I thought my life was over, and I poured every inch of myself into wanting to make that a reality. She paid for me to see so many therapists and I hated every single one of them, until Cass. Cassandra Whyte. I don't know what was different, it felt like I was talking to a friend, not some quack with a notepad in a stuffy office. She gave me outlets for the anger and fear I was feeling, and never judged me for anything I said. And she saved my life, more times than I can count. I moved out of my mom's house a couple weeks before my twentieth birthday cause I thought it was time to be more independent, but it only made me realize how alone I was. I couldn't trust anyone. Even after all the therapy - after I thought I'd come to terms with it, it hit me again and again and I couldn't cope. So every night, I'd drink a couple of beers and smoke a cigarette, real poetic in my mind, and then I'd climb up to the roof and I'd sit right there on the edge and fantasize about throwing myself off."
Jane cries freely now, hands pressed to her eyes as she sobs softly.
"All I wanted was to die, and I couldn't do it. I'd failed at that too. I wanted to be selfish, but I couldn't. I didn't wanna inconvenience anyone. I couldn't stop picturing my mom, or Cass and what they'd think of me. I felt so empty, but Cass was there, and she carried me through it. I don't even remember half of it. It was during our last ever session that she gave me the application forms for the police academy, encouraged me to apply and I did. And here I am, all these years later."
"This investigation…it's opened up a lot of those old wounds like I'm experiencing it again through these vics and it terrifies me. It chokes me how close to this I feel. And I wish Cass were here, to tell me what to do."
Jane stands, taking Maura's hand once more and navigating them to a shining obsidian gravestone where she kneels, tugging out a handful of weeds and tossing them to one side.
"She died a couple of years after that. Heart attack. I used to come out here a lot at first when I was training and didn't really know anyone. Brought a weird kind of comfort that I could sit here with someone who knew everything about me and talk it out."
She uses the palm of her hand to scrub away a layer of earth from the name scribed in gold across the stone, then traces the letters with a fingertip, voice frail.
"I talk to her sometimes, when shit gets real rough. Is that crazy?"
"No. Not at all."
"You believe in the afterlife?"
"Sometimes. I believe the departed live on with us, in our hearts. Always there, never forgotten."
"I like that. I don't think I'll ever forget her."
Jane pushes herself to her feet, brushing the dirt from her pants and hands as she turns to Maura, smiling nervously.
"So I guess…that's me. Aside from Cass, you're the first person I've ever told the whole story to."
"I'm honored." Jane scoffs despite herself, stopping when Maura places a thumb and forefinger along her jaw, encouraging Jane to look at her.
"I am honored. Honored that you chose to tell me. Honored that you brought me here, to meet someone who helped you become the incredible, loyal, strong woman you are today. I'm honored that you chose me. That you love me. I don't ever want you to forget that."
"Despite how fucked up I can be sometimes? The nightmares, the attitude, the creepin' feeling that maybe sometimes you'd all be better off without me? The trust issues? All the hurt I know I cause you when I close off?"
"The sun doesn't shine all of the time. You can't have light without dark. Despite that, I'm still here. I will always be here, for as long as you'll have me. I'll always be here to catch you, always be around to listen, and I will support you no matter what path you choose. I love you, Jane. If you can't believe anything else, then believe that. Feel that. Here." She lifts Jane's hand to press it against her chest, over her heart. "I can't promise you that I won't ever hurt you, but I will never intentionally do anything to cause you pain. I will never give you a reason to not trust me. And I'll fight to make damned sure you know this, making sure you hear this every single day if I have to."
Maura's fierce words are enough to make Jane feel like she's falling in love all over again, fresh tears running down her cheeks as she embraces Maura to her tightly, finally free of the dead weight of her hidden past.
Free from the nerves. Free from the fear.
Free to move on, with Maura by her side.
"You think it's too cheesy to take her out to the Habourwalk and do it there?"
"No sweetheart, that's a wonderful idea! Move up."
Angela gestures for Jane to shift along the couch and she does, sitting cross-legged as she accepts the takeaway carton of food that Angela holds out to her.
Jane and Maura's plans to spend the evening together had been foiled by Maura needing to catch up on the work she'd missed in their few days of personal leave, unwilling to let her diligent efforts slip. So, Jane had settled for the next best thing to keep her mind occupied and had invited her mom over for food and to discuss her proposal plans, an offer that Angela had taken her up on immediately, knocking on their door not even a half-hour later.
"I don't know. I thought about taking her out to that restaurant in Beacon Hill she loves but I'm not sure how she'd feel about me getting down on one knee in front of everyone."
"As if she'll be looking anywhere but you!"
"Not helping. I want it to be perfect. She deserves perfection. Not some cobbled together Rizzoli scheme."
"You could cook. Ask her at home."
"But I want to wow her. I want her to remember this moment for the rest of her life, somewhere nice, not surrounded by dirty dishes and…and…you know. Stuff."
"So you're ruling out a public place and home. Doesn't leave you with much choice. Work? I can make the cafe look real romantic."
"Ma!"
"I'm joking! Janie, I'm sure that wherever you ask, it's going to be magical. She's going to remember you, and what you say, and that ring." Angela sucks a breath through her teeth, shaking her head from side to side. "That's what matters. Not where you are."
"You think?" Jane prods at the carton of noodles with her fork thoughtfully.
"Of course!"
"So can I see it?"
"You've seen it more times than I have."
"Please?" She drags out the last vowel, setting her food down on the coffee table and clasping her hands against her chest in prayer. "Last time. Then you can get to asking and I can see it on her finger!"
Jane had preempted that her mother would bug her to see the ring once more, and she reaches into her pocket to retrieve it, opening the box and holding it out.
"Ahh. Oh, it's so beautiful." Angela reaches a finger out to touch it and Jane snaps the box shut abruptly, yanking her arm away.
"What did I say? No touching! I had it polished, and I want it to stay that way."
"Trying it on is out of the question then?"
"Ma! No. No one wears this but Maura."
She opens the box again, staring at the light glittering off the diamonds, exactly like it did the day that it had first caught Jane's eye. She smiles to herself, reddening when she catches Angela's corny stare at her.
"Stop it. No crying."
"I'm not. I'm …I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. I can't wait to tell everyone."
"Everyone?"
"You betcha. I've got the phone book ready, or maybe I could put it on the social media."
"Whoa, hold up. Who is everyone?"
"My friends. Family. Relatives. The neighbors."
"Mom!"
"What? My little girl is getting married, I want the world to know."
The genuine delight in her tone warms Jane's heart and she can't help but grin, tucking the ring box back into her pocket.
"Can you imagine what the cousins are gonna say, Ma? They might show up armed with holy water."
Angela cackles wickedly, grabbing a napkin to wipe her mouth before she straightens, suppressing her smile as she faces Jane.
"They'll have to get through me first. I've always wanted a reason to slap Catonia across the face. In all seriousness though…can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"I…I spoke to Barry this morning, after the funeral. About this investigation that you're working on. That you're both working on."
"And?" Jane had told Frost to keep his mouth shut around the case and the most intimate details of April's death, not factoring in her mother's ability to pull details from even the most reluctant of people.
"And I think he's right. I think that maybe you and Maura should take some time off until it's solved."
"It could take years, Ma. You want us to not go to work ever again?"
"No, of course not. But…what if something happens? What if…"
"What if we're next?" Jane finishes the question for her and Angela nods, lips pressed into a tight line.
Jane sighs a heavy sigh, setting down her food and leaning forwards to place a reassuring hand on Angela's knee.
"I don't know. I know Lieutenant Cavanaugh is trying to figure out how to protect us if we need it. But right now we're okay. We're being cautious. We're staying away from each other at work."
"But what if they find out where you live?"
It's a thought that has been at the forefront of Jane's mind for the last few weeks, fraying her nerves and tearing away at the security she's sure their home provides.
"Like I told Frost. I can and I will defend us. We can't stop living our lives, but we can do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. And I will do whatever it takes, Ma."
The words echo in Jane's mind hours after Angela has left for the night and she lies stretched out on the couch, dozing as she waits for Maura to return home.
It's gone twelve when the security light fixed above their rear porch floods the dark living room with light and Jane's eyes snap open, sitting bolt upright. She checks the time, staring down at her watch and then back towards the light, softly getting to her feet and moving towards the hallway where she retrieves her gun from the locked drawer, holding it down by her thigh as she peers out into the driveway.
No car. No other signs of life. Maybe she's imagining it. Maybe it's an animal. Maybe it's…
The creaking of the weathered, metal door handle twisting slowly catapults her into defense mode and she skirts the edge of the room towards the rear door silently, switching the safety off her gun as stands just around the corner, giving herself some cover as she watches the figure silhouetted against the frosted glass.
A fingertip rests on the trigger, heartbeat thundering in her ears as the handle rattles once more before the door slowly creaks open and she ducks behind the wall waiting until she hears the door close. She takes a breath before she swings around the corner blindly, the tip of her gun pressed against Maura's forehead.
"Jane!" Her panicked cry as she stumbles backward cuts through Jane like a hot knife and she immediately lowers her gun, hands shaking as she holds them up, palms pointed at Maura.
"Oh my god, Maura. I thought you were…" She trails off, clicking the safety back on before she steps away, flicking on the room lights as she retreats.
"I thought you were someone breaking in or something. Why are you using the back door? Where's your car? Why didn't you call me?"
"Can you at least let me in before you barrage me with questions?"
"Let me help you. Maur, I'm so sorry."
"Put your weapon away. Immediately." Maura straightens, a stern expression on her face as she brushes past Jane and into the kitchen, shrugging off her coat and tossing it onto the counter.
She waits until a disarmed Jane joins her, shoulders slumped as she approaches Maura.
"Your brother gave me a ride home. I came in the back because I thought the chain might be on the front door, and I didn't call because I didn't want to wake you."
Frankie had found Maura in the parking garage, breath coming in short bursts as she'd stood frozen in front of the elevator doors, unable to tear her gaze away from that spot, eyes following the trail of haphazard scrub marks from the concrete floor up to the ceiling. She hadn't been able to explain why she'd been standing there for almost half an hour before Frankie had approached her, wrapping an arm around her and escorting her to his vehicle with a promise to get her home safely.
"You caught me off guard. I was trying to figure out what was going on."
"By brandishing a weapon in my face? What if you'd accidentally pulled the trigger?"
"I wouldn-"
"Accidental gun deaths across America increased by ten percent last year."
"You really think I'd shoot you?"
Jane slaps a hand on the countertop in annoyance, gritting her teeth against the shooting pain that reverberates from her scar up her forearm.
"If anyone has the right to be angry right now, it's me. How do expect me to react when you greet me with the barrel of your loaded gun?"
"I said I'm sorry."
"I think it's time to consider the effects of this investigation going forwards, Jane. You're a tightly wound spring, waiting to erupt. You're not eating. You're barely sleeping."
"Neither are you." Jane moves around the kitchen island now, one hand against the refrigerator and one resting on the countertop, boxing Maura in.
"Do you see me casually wielding a scalpel around the house?"
"I'm trying to protect us. To protect you."
Maura doesn't back down from Jane's imposing form - quite the opposite. The heels she's wearing bring her almost to Jane's height and she straightens up, chin jutted out in defiance and she stares Jane down.
"You don't have to play big, bad Jane Rizzoli with me."
The tension that has slowly been winding up since April's death feels like it has reached its peak and Jane scoffs as Maura pushes a hand against her chest, nudging her backward slightly.
"There's no accolade for being the protector here. Are you worried it'll hurt your tough cop image if you accept the help being offered?"
"I don't want their fuckin' help."
"I do."
"Why? You have me."
"I refuse to stand back and watch you run yourself into the ground because your pride won't let you admit tha-"
"My pride? My pride has nothing to do with this. You wanna know why I can't fuckin' close my eyes to sleep? Why I can't eat? Why I stalk around this place every damn night, waiting? Cause all I can picture is you bleedin' out under me. All I can hear is you choking on your own fuckin' blood. All I can imagine is you slipping away."
"That's not going to happen."
"You don't know that. My worst nightmare is losing you. I can't. I can't do it. I can't do this."
"You don't have to." Maura places her hands on either side of Jane's face, turning her head until she's looking at Maura. "You don't have to do this. You're not doing this anymore. From tomorrow, we'll have someone watching the house when we're here, it's already been agreed with Sean."
"They don't have the resource, Maura. You heard him."
"They will make it happen. Everyone is worried about you, Jane. I'm worried about you. Please don't fight me on this."
Jane puffs out a frustrated breath of air and Maura slides her arms around Jane's neck, pressing their bodies together as she hugs her.
"Please, baby."
Maura feels Jane soften as she runs her fingernails up the back of Jane's neck and into her hair, massaging softly as she goes.
"Not fair," Jane whines halfheartedly as she drops her head, kissing Maura softly for a moment before she pulls away, forehead resting against Maura's. "I…I just wanna keep you safe."
"I know, but you don't have to shoulder that duty alone. Let them help. Let me help."
Maura grazes her lips against Jane's lightly, hands moving to untuck and undo the buttons of the olive green, satin blouse she's wearing, letting it hang open at her sides.
"Let me give you a different mental image of me."
"Oh yeah? How'd you plan on doing that?"
Maura smiles as she moves to the foot of the stairs, one hand on the railing as she looks back at Jane standing in the kitchen, waiting.
"Come with me and I'll show you."
