Promise to Love Me, Even When You Hate Me.

Chapter 19.

Kate and Warren found their way to their seats, Warren wiggled into the chair making himself comfortable.

"I'm never flying economy again!"

He looked over to Kate, she was in a world of her own, he glanced at her leg, it bounced up and down persistently. Reaching over he placed a hand on hers, she jumped and tried to cover her anxiousness with a smile. He could tell something was wrong, he grabbed his bag and placed two prescription bottles on the table between them.

"Because you refused to see the shrink, the doctor gave me these, but he said go easy on them, just in case."

She glanced at the bottles and wrinkled her face as she looked back over to Warren. He nodded towards her bouncing leg, she scoffed and shut the divider ignoring his concern.

A short time later the cabin darkened, Kate tossed and turned in her chair trying to get to sleep. She had pretended to be asleep since they had taken off, Warren had opened the divider slightly to monitor her. Letting out a grunt she slid open the divider and snatched the pills trying not to wake him, turning on her reading light she squinted trying to read the names, Xanax and Temazepam. She was familiar with these drugs, she had taken them before, letting out a sigh she removed one of each and placed them in her mouth lying back in her chair.

Early the next morning she was awoken by a crew member gently tapping her shoulder.

"Ms McDonald, sorry, but you requested to be woken for meal service."

She was groggy, for a moment she didn't know where she was. Clearing her throat she sat up and pulled out her tray table.

"Ah, yeah, thanks."

Rubbing her hands over her face she tried to focus, she was thankful for the undisturbed sleep but as the haze cleared her mind filled with unpleasant memories.

"Morning."

Warren's voice caused her to jump, he noticed the pill bottles were gone from his side of the divider.

"The pills work then?"

She gave him a slight nod and picked up her glass of OJ hoping he'd get the hit to leave her be.

They sat in the cab on the way to the resort, she hadn't spoken a word since they disembarked the plane, Warren nudged her with his elbow.

"You okay?"

She wasn't, she had popped another Xanax before getting off plane, she couldn't stand the thought of hearing her inner voice, and the pills seemed to quieten them for a little while.

"I think I just need some sleep…"

Warren frowned, she had spent the better part of 2 days in a hospital bed recovering, and basically slept all the way through a 13 hour flight, why did she need more sleep?

"Well, we're nearly there…"

Kate stepped out of the cab feeling worse for wear, her mood was immediately lifted as she looked around, her jaw dropped seeing the spectacular resort before her.

"Warren, this is insane..."

"Well, it had to be, you haven't had a vacation in 6 years..."

"The job is sometimes like a vacation."

He rolled his eyes as he grabbed both their bags from the boot of the cab.

"Hmm, yeah, pretending to be someone else and hiding from the real world isn't the same as an actual vacation."

They checked in and the host showed them to their villa, Kate spun round as Warren followed her into the room.

"Ah, we're sharing?"

"It was the only one left on short notice, but I made sure it had 2 bedrooms, no funny business, I promise."

Kate didn't have the energy to argue, she wheeled her suitcase into her bedroom and shut the door. As she dropped onto the bed she exhaled and wrapped the blanket around her, she lay there willing her mind to shut off, all she could think about was leaving him. She eventually drifted off to sleep, a few hours later she bolted upright, sweat covered her body, and she was short of breath. Her dreams haunted her, Dutchy's panicked face was all she could see, bringing her knees to her chest she hugged her legs and shook her head at herself.

"It was never going to work, you were just carried away with the situation…"

She knew it was a lie, but denial was her only option at the moment. She pulled the pill bottles from her pocket and opened them, she didn't want to rely on medication but she just needed her mind to stop. She chucked 2 more tablets into her mouth and tossed the bottles into her bag on the bedside table. Closing her eyes, she lay on her side and dragged the pillow towards her.

The next morning she awoke to Warren knocking on her door, sitting up in bed she called out for him to enter, he poked his head in the door and smiled.

"Morning…"

She faked a smiled and leaned her head on the headboard, Warren sat on the edge of the bed.

"Feeling any better?"

She shrugged and rubbed her hands over her face.

"I dunno…"

"Well, come and have breakfast on the balcony, if the view doesn't make you feel better, well, I don't know what will."

Kate dragged herself out of bed, opening the door she squinted and rubbed her eyes as the sun blared in through the windows.

Walking out onto the balcony she took a deep breath in, the fresh sea air caressed her face reminding her of Cairns. She looked down to see an extravagant selection of food on the table, Warren stood behind her and smirked

"See, you can't be upset at this view…"

Kate let out a laugh and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Yeah, it's nice."

Warren rolled his eyes and sat at the table.

"Nice? We're in Hawaii, in a 5 star villa with our own butler."

She couldn't argue but it would be nicer if she didn't feel the way she did.

"Back in a sec..."

She ran to her room and rummaged around in her bag looking for the pills, she froze as she saw the photo frame in the bottom. Pulling it out of her bag she focused on the photo, it was of her and Dutchy at Windin falls. She looked happy, genuinely happy. Closing her eyes, she attempted to stop the tears, she shoved it back into her bag and pulled out the bottles of pills. She hesitated before placing them in her mouth, wondering if she was being weak, she shook her head and swallowed them. Returning to the balcony she placed a smile on her face trying to trick herself into feeling better. She knew she needed to move on, think about the future, and where her life was going. She sat down and folded the napkin over her legs.

"Thanks for this…"

After breakfast Kate unpacked her things and returned to the living area, letting out a sharp breath she sat on the couch, Warren laughed and handed her a glass of champagne.

"You don't know how to relax do you?"

Kate placed her glass on the table and crossed her arms over her chest glaring at him, he shook his head at her reaction, she gave in and dropped her arms and sighed.

"No..."

"You're lucky there's lots of stuff to do, but first massages and salon appointments..."

"Have you planned out every single day's activities?"

"No, I don't need my hair done, it's just for you!"

Kate was thankful that Warren had tried to keep her mind off Dutchy and her departure, maybe she was too quick to dismiss him as a friend after their breakup. After all, they were friends beforehand, and she was the one that stuffed things up.

Kate sat in the salon chair flipping through magazines waiting for her hairdresser, a friendly looking young woman stood behind her and cleared her throat.

"Hi, I'm Dylan…"

Kate froze and looked at the woman through the mirror, she tilted her head at Kate's strange reaction.

"Ma'am? Everything okay?"

"Sorry, yes, umm, did you said your name is Dylan?"

"Yeah, my mum's all about gender neutral names, like, they shouldn't define us… but anyway, enough bout me, this is about you. What are we doing today?"

"Ah, not really sure…"

"Okay, well, you're on holidays I'm assuming? I hear an umm, Aussie accent?"

Kate nodded staring at herself in the mirror.

"Yeah, ah, bit of a break from work, gets a bit much sometimes…"

Dylan nodded while she inspected Kate's hair.

"Yeah, we all need to switch off now and again… so, do you feel like a change?"

Kate glanced up her in the mirror, she could tell that Dylan sensed there was more to her story.

"Yeah, why not, surprise me…"

A giant grin came over Dylan's face and she let out an excited squeal.

"Yes! Love it, you only live once, right?"

Kate scoffed under her breath.

"Yeah, something like that..."

Dylan leaned down and placed her hands on Kate's shoulders and whispered in her ear.

"Do you trust me?"

Kate nodded cautiously, Dylan smiled and covered the mirror in front of her.

"Okay, let do this…"

3 hours later Dylan stood behind Kate with a giant smile on her face.

"Okay, are you ready?"

Kate nodded hoping that some how this would make her feel different, make her feelings go away. Dylan stood at the mirror and pulled off the towel. Kate couldn't help but gasp, her blonde locks were gone, replaced with chocolate brown waves.

"Well?"

She ran her fingers through her new locks checking it was real, it's exactly what she needed, she barely recognised herself, a smile covered her face.

"Dylan, I love it!"

Dylan clapped her hands and jumped up and down on the spot.

"Yay! I'm glad! Whole new you!"

Kate rose from the chair and looked at herself in the mirror again.

"Yeah, hope so…"

Kate walked back into the villa feeling refreshed, she walked past the mirror and had to do a double take.

"Woah, this is gonna take some getting used to."

Warren poked his head out of the bedroom hearing her voice.

"What's gonna take some getting… wow!"

Warren walked into the living area and nodded with approval.

"You look stunning, well, more stunning, if that's possible!"

Kate headed to her room, she could feel herself blush.

"Thanks."

Later that day they sat on the loungers by the pool, Kate sighed and placed her hands behind her head.

"I could get used to this!"

Warren laughed as he sipped on his drink.

"Yeah, well, don't get too used to it, we'll be back to reality before you know it…"

Kate took a deep breath in and rolled her head towards him.

"You know, I've been thinking, maybe this was my last gig…"

Warren sat up and spun round to face her, lifting his sunglasses he wrinkled his face.

"What?"

Kate sat up knowing she was in for a lecture.

"Yeah, don't you want a life? I mean we've been doing this for nearly 10 years."

"Yeah, I do, but the person I wanted it with didn't want it with me…"

Warren lay back, Kate let out a huff and got up and sat on the end of his lounger.

"Warren…"

Warren rubbed his hands over his face and sat back up and placed a hand on her knee.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Kate turned away from him, he positioned himself closer trying to get her to open up.

"I get that you may not want to, but you probably should, you can't keep popping pills to escape."

Kate snapped her head towards him wondering how he knew, he let out a grunt, he wasn't stupid.

"The doctor told me to monitor you if you took them, and I can tell when you do, and before you tell me to mind my business, I'm just looking after you."

She nodded ever so slightly breaking eye contact, he cleared his throat and ripped off the band aid.

"Did you love him?"

She shifted in her seat and ran her hands through her hair, she had never said it out loud, she couldn't. Since her departure she had tried to convince herself that her feelings were a reflection of the situation, that the connection between them wasn't real, she was just caught up in the moment.

"I don't know, I don't really know what was real and what wasn't anymore, but he made me feel safe."

Kate glanced out the corner of her eye to check Warren's expression, his head was down looking defeated.

"And it's not that you didn't make me feel safe, I was in a bad place, you were my safe space maybe too safe and…"

She sighed, she didn't know how to explain it to him without feeling like an asshole and making him feel worse. Warren glanced up to her her not wanting to make it more awkward.

"It's okay, I'm glad I could help in some way, I just wished it was real."

"Warren, it was, I appreciated every kindness that you showed me. I don't know if you heard what I said to Dutchy but, I know you loved me, you were the greatest person to me, I felt terrible that couldn't give you what you deserved. I ruined it by not telling you how I felt, I was the asshole."

He wrapped his arm around her and laughed.

"We're both assholes. But seriously, why couldn't you just talk to me?"

Kate sighed, she knew she owed him an explanation, it was the least she could do, she had known him for 10 years, no matter how many run-ins they'd had, she trusted him.

"You know that story I told Dutchy about my mother and father being killed?"

Warren nodded along, Kate closed her eyes and folded her legs beneath her.

"I didn't make it up…"

Warren took a moment to register what she was saying.

"What?"

"It's the reason I joined the N.I.I.D…"

Warren sat with a blank expression on his face while Kate continued.

"The reason I couldn't make us work was that I couldn't trust, well, anyone. You were so kind, and I knew you cared for me, and I thought, well if I can't make this work with you then… I'm sorry…"

Warren was suddenly annoyed, he was kind and thoughtful when they were together but she couldn't even tell him why she was the way she was.

"But you could make it work with him?"

Warren rose from his chair and walked away, Kate ran after him and grabbed his arm.

"Warren, please, I thought you'd want to talk about it."

"Yeah, just not now…"

Kate knew following him was pointless, she sat back on the lounger as tears formed in her eyes.

The next morning Dutchy walked down to the docks dressed in a suit, he spotted the rest of the crew and gave them a halfhearted smile.

"Hey guys..."

2Dads approached and gave him a pat on the back.

"You okay, mate?"

Dutchy nodded.

"Thanks for coming everyone, umm, Kate's colleagues were nice enough to arrange this service for us…"

Dutchy glanced up to his crew staring back at him, he frowned as his eyes focused on RO who was looking less than impressed.

"Is there a problem RO?"

Robert was startled hearing his name, he looked back at the multiple sets of eyes staring back at him.

"Ah, no…"

Dutchy stepped towards him knowing that RO always had an opinion.

"You sure?"

RO let out a frustrated huff and broke eye contact.

"I just don't understand why we're all acting like we've lost a friend, may I remind you that this woman was out to get one of us."

Dutchy's eyes darted around the crew wondering if they felt the same, he caught Mike's gaze, he wasn't aware that he had told everyone. Mike stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"They had a right to know, Dutchy."

"Yeah, fair enough, but, guys, she was still a person we spent time with…"

RO scrunched up his face.

"Seriously? Dutchy, c'mon, none of it was real…"

Dutchy froze, he knew it wasn't real but hearing someone else say it made his blood boil. He tried to keep his cool, but he could help but defend her, he placed himself inches away from RO.

"Well, if you don't want to be here RO, you don't have to be…"

Robert held his stare for a moment then pushed passed him, Dutchy couldn't believe that he was leaving.

"Anyone else?"

A few of the crew sheepishly followed RO, Dutchy stood there in disbelief. 2Dads knew he needed to keep him focused, he pulled on Dutchy's arm.

"C'mon, mate, you knew her, you know you did."

They walked on to the small cruiser and headed out to sea. They anchored in a small bay up from Cairns and Bird handed out white roses to the crew. Dutchy stood at the bow of the boat and cleared his throat.

"I umm, I appreciate you all staying, I know this has been a hard and strange time, but at the same time the world has lost someone. I know there was some controversy around Kate's…"

Dutchy trailed off, Mike stepped foward and placed a hand on hsi arm.

"Dutchy?"

He dropped his head and whispered in Mike's ear.

"Do we even know if her name was really Kate?"

Mike shook his head ever so slightly.

"I don't know, but lets just continue…"

"I, umm, I don't think I can, RO is right, I didn't know her boss, I said I loved her and I didn't know her…"

Mike couldn't imagine what he was going though, but he knew he need to keep it together for everyone's sake.

"I can take over if you want?'

Dutchy nodded and stepped back to the rest of his crew, Mike cleared his throat.

"Kate wasn't with us for long, and no matter what she was doing, she was doing her job, protecting the Navy's integrity. We are all better for her job existing, that aside she was a person, whether she was a different person with us she was still a part of our crew, someone we spoke with, someone we laughed with, someone we cared for. May she Rest In Peace…"

Mike stepped forward and thew the rose into the water, the rest of the crew followed.

Kate sat on her bed redialling Warren's phone number, he hadn't returned to the room all night, and wasn't answering her calls or texts.

The door flung open startling her, she jumped off the bed seeing it was Warren and gave him a hug. They parted and she punched him on the shoulder.

"That's for not coming home and making me worry all night."

He smiled, she was showing that she cared.

"I wanna talk about it, about everything."

Kate nodded determined to be a better friend. They sat on the bed, Kate exhaled sharply.

"Okay..."

"I know you went through a trauma, I know you're a good person. But why did you start something with me if you knew you couldn't put your heart into it?"

Kate wasn't expecting him to dive right in, she sat and thought about it for a moment.

"I thought I could, we were friends for a few years, you were the first person I actually thought I could do this with..."

"Okay, so why couldn't you talk to me about it, we could have saved ourselves some heartache."

Kate paused wondering if she should tell him the whole truth.

"Because, then I'd have to tell you about the pain I went through, and I didn't want you to pity me."

"Why would I pity you?"

"Because, you're a sweet guy, and then all I would have thought was that you saw me as this like, injured bird, a fragile girl. I've been through a lot, Warren, and I guess this is something I had to figure out on my own else I'd never move past it."

"So what did he have that I didn't..."

"Look, I think we were both vulnerable, he had a story like mine, I guess on some level I thought we were the same lost soul. But pain shouldn't bring people together, I mean it helps us relate, but it was never real, it couldn't have been."

Warren was concerned she was lying to herself, trying to sound like the whole situation didn't affect her.

"So, you didn't love him"

She hesitated wondering whether her answer should be an excuse or the truth.

"To be honest, I don't know what love feels like."

"It feels different to everyone..."

"Maybe I'm not capable of it, maybe I don't want it."

"Don't be ridiculous..."

Being with Dutchy had changed her, she realised if she wanted to move past things, be able to have someone that she needed to be truthful, keeping things from people kept them at arm's length, and going through life alone wasn't something she wanted.

"Warren, I didn't have time to deal with any of it when my parents died. Everything I told Dutchy about my "story" was true. I did get visits from the bad guys, I actually moved and changed my name, this is why I was perfect for this role. No family, no connections, my past was exactly that because I reinvented myself, a new name, a new person."

"Seriously?"

She nodded and sighed.

"I've been Lisa McDonald for 15 years now, the tough, unforgiving undercover N.I.I.D agent. I thought this was the life I wanted, but now, after all this, I have no idea who I am or what I want."

End Chapter 19.