Chapter 127
Alex laid in the hospital bed, staring out the window not paying any mind to the nurses who came in and out of the room. The last one who entered injected something in her IV that made her drowsy and she soon fell asleep.
Ryan walked out if the chapel a few hours later after he just sat there staring off into space. He drove home to get a few things for Alex and went back to the hospital again. Not sure if he should go into the room, after all she told him to leave. But he went inside, putting the bag down and sitting on the couch in the corner of the room staring at her sleeping form. Right now more than ever he wished he could see into the future so he'll know that they will be all right, like they've made it through all the other hardships that life handed them. He tried getting comfortable but there was only so much comfort a hospital chair could give, so he opted to find out if Phoebe is okay and stayed up until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore, falling in and out of consciousness.
The next morning when Alex woke up, seeing the familiar bag she knew Ryan must've gone home and packed it. Her eyes moving towards the corner of the room she saw her husband curled up in an awkward way sleeping in the armchair. She wanted to wake him up, thank him for being thoughtful, and even move up as far as she could on the small bed to make room for him like they always do when one of them is in hospital, but she couldn't bring herself to do any of those actions.
She got off the bed, and took the bag walking towards the bathroom at the other end of the room. Opening the shower tap, she got undressed and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Placing both her hands on the counter, as she looked at the reflection staring back at her, tears ran down her face again. "You have to be strong." She whispered, thinking maybe if she said it out loud to herself she could bring herself to be strong but it wasn't that easy.
Out in the room Ryan heard the shower running and knew Alex was in there, he wanted to go check up on her but decided not to. He was just about to call and check up on Phoebe when she emerged from the bathroom.
"Morning." He greeted as she looked up at him, dressed in sweats, hair piled up into a damp messy bun on the top of her head.
"Thank you." She answered pointing to the bag, setting it down on the side of the bed, as a nurse entered to deliver breakfast.
"Is there anything I can get you sir?" The nurse asked Ryan.
"No thank you, I'm fine." He said and she left again, leaving the two of them in uncomfortable silence.
Alex not really hungry, as she just stares at her buttered toast and tea, almost certain the silence is so deafening that she can hear her own heartbeat. She was about to open her mouth to say something when the doctor entered again, giving her the green light that she can go home. Bringing her the paperwork that she has to sign before leaving.
"Is Phoebe with Caleb and Shelby?" She asked signing the last paper before getting of the bed.
"Yeah, you want to go get her on the way home?"
"No, I'll text Shelby later asking her to bring her home." She replied taking the bag and walking towards the door, Ryan following her outside into the parking lot to the car. The ride home was silent except for the radio playing in the background, and Ryan's phone that buzzed with text messages and emails from his superior which he ignored while he was driving. He'll look at it when they get home.
Once the car stopped in the driveway Alex got out as Ryan unlocked the front door allowing her to enter first. The first thing that caught her eye was the contents of her gab that was laid out on the dining room table, she was certain she did not leave it that way and that her husband might've had something to do with it. She started to pick up toys that was on the floor and put them back in the box where they were kept, trying to occupy herself briefly while ignoring the elephant in the room.
"Alex, can we talk?" Ryan asked from across the room where he rested both his hands on the dining room chair, Alex turning around slowly and facing him. "You haven't said ten words to me in the last 24-hours, I'm trying to help you, somehow, but I don't know what to do if you're constantly distancing yourself from me."
"How exactly do you want to help me, Ryan? Because there is nothing you can do that can change what already happened." She answered running a hand over her face. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to stare at your reflection in the mirror while crying, and begging yourself to stay strong?"
"Alex…." He said softly walking over to her but she pushed him away.
"I meant what I said yesterday, when I told you I'm done. Maybe I just need to get away for a few days, from work, from this town, from you."
He looked at her uncertain, not sure what she meant by wanting to get away from him. What does this mean for their future? Their marriage?
"We've had our share of troubled waters but Alex, you can't be running away hoping that problems will solve itself. " Ryan answered frustrated. "I wasn't sitting around yesterday, I did some really shady things when my options became few in finding you. I don't want to lose you, yesterday you said you can't do this anymore and now you're telling me you're done, wh…what do you mean by that?"
"Maybe I just need to get away, find some perspective before we make any decisions." She shrugged looking at him.
"That does not sound reassuring at all. I don't want Phoebe to grow up in a broken household where she has to decide which parent she's spending Christmas day at."
"Ryan don't jump the gun I didn't say I want a divorce." Alex defended her earlier statement.
"Well it sure as hell sounds like it Alexandra. And call me selfish but there is no way I'm giving up on us that easily. We've come too fa.." Before he could finish his sentence his phone rang, fishing it out of his pocket looking at the caller ID.
"What?" He answered rudely, it wasn't his intention to sound obnoxious but he was frustrated and irritated in more ways than one.
"Okay Booth, first of all you need to take it down a notch, your hearing is in an hour. I assume you have everything planned out with your union rep?" Liam asked and Ryan cursed under his breath as he never even thought about it since it was mentioned.
"I'll be there as soon as I can." He replied ending the phone call looking at his lock screen image. A picture of Alex and Phoebe on that was take on her birthday were she was smeared with cake frosting, her mouth open as she laughed at something sitting on Alex's lap.
He took a deep breath before he started speaking again "I have a disciplinary hearing in an hour, and I still need to brief the union rep. Can we continue this when I get back?" he asked and Alex nodded while he went upstairs to go take a shower.
She picked up her cellphone, amongst the rubble of the insides of her purse that was on the dining room table and dialed Shelby's number.
"Hey." The blonde greeted friendly from the other side.
"Are you busy right now or can you come over?"
"Okay, I'll be there in a bit." Shelby answered and Alex headed upstairs to the bedroom, getting a suitcase as she started throwing clothes into the suitcase.
There was a knock on the door and Shelby let herself in, calling around the house until Alex told her to come upstairs. The blonde stuck in the bedroom door when she saw the bag on the bed. "Alex, what's going on?" Shelby asked her mind full of questions and she starts assuming the worst.
"I just need to get away for a few days." She said looking at her friend, Shelby walks over to her pulling her into a tight hug as both of them start crying, once composed, they sat down on the bed and Shelby looked around the bedroom.
"Talk to me, what's going on here."
Alex stood up pacing around the bedroom hands on her hips. "I… I blame Ryan for everything that's happened. I know I shouldn't but all that anger and hurt that I'm supposed to feel towards Roy is what I'm projecting onto Ryan."
"Honey you cannot do that, it might just cause a rift between the two of you."
"It already has." Alex said closing her eyes. "I know he is trying to be there for me, but what good can his efforts bring now. He can't undo what's been done. I am just so livid and I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it."
"And how is running away going to solve any of these things?" Shelby asked looking up at her friend. "If anything it is only going to make it worse because you are extending this pain and heartache when it could've been handled between the two of you. Alex I am not taking sides but this is not helping." Shelby pointed to the suitcase filled with clothes.
"It's easy to blame Ryan because he is closest to you, and by doing that it's as if a fraction of the hurt that you're feeling is what he'll feel too but it's not suppose to be that way." Shelby got up and walked over to Alex who had tears running down her face.
"What am I going to do Shell?" Alex whispered, Shelby had no answer to that question and instead hugged her friend for a long time until she calmed down.
"I think the two of you need to sit down, and talk this through. I really don't mind taking Phoebe again tonight." Shelby offered but Alex shook her head.
"I need that bundle of energy home today, her smile will cheer me up." Alex said looking at the picture of her daughter on Ryan's nightstand.
"Come on, unpack those clothes I'll go make us something to eat." Shelby instructed pointing to the half full suitcase.
"I'm not hungry."
"Well I am, so you can watch me eat then." Shelby said, her remark leaving Alex smiling as she started putting the clothes back into the drawers where she took them from.
Ryan came home after his hearing, bummed that he was suspended for a week but at least he got off lightly compared to what he did, knowing he shouldn't have. He was barely inside the house when he heard SpongeBob playing on the TV and he knew his daughter was at home. She and Alex sitting on the couch eating baby puffs, her little hands yellow in the residue and her mouth just as dirty.
"Hey you." Ryan greeted and bent over the back of the couch picking his daughter up, she grabbed his shirt leaving little yellow handprints, but he didn't mind it.
"Dada!" She exclaimed offering him half the puff that was crunched in her hand. "You have it, it's okay." He laughed as she put the remains in her mouth, wiping her hand across his shirt again.
"Why did you have a hearing?" Alex asked when he put Phoebe down on the couch again, and her attention shifted to the TV.
"Insubordination, blackmailed a parolee and fired my service weapon in a public space. Suspended for a week." He summarized briefly seeing the look of question on his wife's face.
"We need to talk later once Phoebe takes a nap." Alex said and Ryan nodded, uncertain of whether this is a good talk or one where she tells him she is leaving for a few days.
Getting sleepy was one of the hardest things for Phoebe to handle, she either had moods where she was nagging the whole time, or did everything in her power to not fall asleep. Today was one of those nagging days, where she followed her father wherever he went, and when he stood still she'd wrap her arms around his legs.
"You must just close your eyes, Phoebe." He said simply as he picked her up, and when Alex walked past with her bottle she went from her father's arms into her mother's.
"What's wrong?" Alex asked, as she looked at her mother rubbing her small balled up fists all across her face. "There you go." Alex laid her down on the couch with her bottle, and soon she was sleeping peacefully, she let go of the bottle as it fell to the floor with a thud.
Ryan walked out the back, and Alex followed him, closing the sliding door behind them so they won't wake their little sleepy head in case things between them got heavy. Fidgeting with her hands, Alex sat down and took a deep breath before she started talking.
"I was busy packing our clothes today, to go to my mom for some time. I wanted to be gone by the time you got back. But I didn't go. This is not what I signed up for when I wanted to join the FBI." She stopped and looked up to the clear blue skies. "I am far from being okay, I don't know if I ever will be again, and to be honest right now blaming you makes me feel like I'm not the only one walking around with this burden." She finished and looked up at him.
"I was on the verge of resigning today." Ryan said softly and Alex's brows furrowed with questions. "Going back to Afghanistan or Iraq seemed like a much better option, because at least I'll have peace of mind knowing the enemy won't hunt down or harm my family."
"Alex I know I don't say it often but I love you so much, it might come across as everyday mundane things but I really appreciate everything you do for me, for us. The grocery list on the fridge in a handwriting only you can decipher, the way you get frustrated when you're looking for something in your bag and you can't find it and promising yourself time and time again that you're going to get rid of all the things in it because it's unnecessary." He looks up at her seeing a small smile appear on her face. "I broke rules to try and find you because I felt like the rest of the agents were working at a snail's pace, and trust me I'll do it again if I have to because I cannot imagine my life without you in it. "
"Ryan you're gonna have to be strong for both of us, because I am way too weak to even love myself at the moment." She whispered. "We're not where we're supposed to be right now, and I don't know how long it will take for us to get back to normal again but I'm going to need you to help me get through this Ryan."
"I'll always be here." He answered taking her hand in his and squeezing it, grateful that she didn't pull it away again. There are times when the tides are high and the boat becomes rocky but love conquers all. They've survived all the other obstacles life has thrown at them, this time it won't be any different. They'll get through this one too. Together.
Hey guys! I've been battling with this since Friday so I hope it was a good read and that y'all enjoy it. Thank you for all the love.
Lovies-S
