Chapter 24
Burning confessions
First off Happy new year everyone!
Once again thank you all for the follows, reviews and favorites. I wanted to post this chapter around Christmas but was struggling with it. In the end, it got much bigger than I originally planned and I am still not really happy with it. Because I wanted to post it asap I did not have it beta read so all mistakes are my own. Thank you again for your patience with me and enjoy the chapter.
Christian
Mommy and I are playing with my cars on the floor. Mommy has the red car and I have the green. I like it when he is not here. I like it when it is just me and mommy and no one else. Mommy rolls the red car over the carpet she smiles at me, but it is a sad smile. Her smiles are always sad… 'Go get it maggot.' She says. And I jump up and run to get the car. Maybe mommy won't be sad anymore if I get the car. I want mommy to be happy.
The door of the apartment slams open and I stand stock still in fear. NO! Not him he always hurts me! He always hurts mommy he makes her sad. I want to run, to run and kick him chase him away from mommy so he cant hurt her anymore but I cannot move.
'Come here slut! I have a friend in need.' He sneers and grabs mommy by her hair dragging her into the bedroom. Mommy yells and cries but he does not care. Another man enters the apartment His hair is messy and his teeth are brown. He grins at me a mean grin.
'I am gonna fuck your mommy you little bastard and you are going to watch.' He grabs me and pushes me into the room with mommy and him. HIM kicks mommy and she yelps in pain. I feel mad, really mad. I kick the man who is holding and he hollers I run to mommy and kick HIM.
'Leave mommy alone! Leave her alone!' I scream and kick HIM as hard as I can. The other man grabs me and throws me to the floor. Something hot is pressed against my back it burns! It hurts so much! I scream and cry out for mommy. I see mommy staring at me, her eyes are wet but she does not help me.
I wake up with a start and feel the sweat dripping from my chest and back. It feels like I cannot breathe. I gasp desperately trying to get in some precious air. The scent of burned flesh is still logged in my nostrils. Where the fuck am I? I squint my eyes trying to get my bearings in the dark bedroom. Right, I am at my parent's lake house in Montana. Far away from that ramshackle apartment in Detroit where I spent my early years with that goddamn crack whore. After all these years she is still haunting me in my sleep. She is a particularly persistent ghost that I cannot seem to lay to rest. I should have known that the nightmares would come back. Ana has been my dream catcher for these last months I should have never let her go and celebrate Christmas with her parents. It wrecks havoc on my own piece of mind.
I look at the clock, it is nearly 5 am and I know from ample experience that sleep won't come for me again. I swiftly get out of bed and put on my tracksuit. The only way to clear my mind is strenuous exercise. I take comfort in the fact that she will be at my side again tonight and will not ever let her go again.
I am not surprised to see Taylor already waiting for me by the back door. He knows all about my fucked up sleeping habits.
'Morning sir.'
'Taylor.' I say and nod at him. He opens the door and we start our 5 kilometers run around the lake. Montana is named big sky country for a very good reason. There is nothing but wilderness and valleys protected by indomitable mountains as far as the eye can see. The fast cloudless sky stretches as far as the eye can see. It makes me feel insignificant and empowered at the same time. The first lights of dawn peer through the high mountain tops and slowly chase away the deep blackness of night. The fresh snow crunches under my feet as I pick up the phase. The cool fresh mountain air clears my head and the nightmare slowly fades away to the back recesses of my mind.
A thick layer of ice covers the lake in front of my parent's house. The early sun rays cast a warm glow over the ice creating a low hanging vapor over the lake. It is a spectacular sight to behold. The entire run takes less than 15 minutes a good time for a 5-kilometer run. I opt to go for a quick shower before calling Sawyer to get the latest updates on Anastasia. I cannot wait to see her again tonight. For a little while, I contemplated on having her come to Montana to celebrate new years with my parents. But I quickly came to the conclusion that I want to spend new years alone with her in my Aspen home. I do not want to share her with anyone one. My mother and Mia especially were both disappointed. Mia is dying to meet Ana and hoped she would see her after Christmas. It took some time to explain to Mia that I wanted to spend some time Ana alone. She eventually relented hounding me after I promised her that I would introduce Ana to her right after New Year.
I turn on the water heating it up just a notch under painful. Just the way I like it. The hot steam of the scalding water has completely enveloped me. My muscles instantly relax. I quickly later myself and wash my hair. Enjoying the soothing feel of the water. Showering always had a positive effect on my state of mind. It gives me a sense of complete autonomy over my life. None ever bathed me as far as I can remember. I switch off the water grab a towel and dry and dress. I decide to go with some khaki slacks a white button-down shirt and an ocean blue V neck sweater. The color reminds me of Anastasia's eyes.
I take my phone from the nightstand and quickly dial Sawyer. I am desperate to know how Anastasia is doing. Did she enjoy her Christmas?
'Morning sir.' He answers on the second ring.
'Sawyer. How is Anastasia doing?'
'Fine sir. She is having breakfast with her parent's bags are packed and we are ready to leave according to schedule.'
'Good. I trust that yesterday went smoothly?'
'Yes, sir. They seemed to have really enjoyed themselves. They all seemed happy with the arrangements you made. Mrs. Adams was especially taken with all the presents.'
'Did Ms. Steele appreciate her necklace?' I am anxious to know.
' Yes, sir it caused for a bit of a stir with her mother but all in all she appeared to be grateful for the gifts.'
I am intrigued. What is the story with the necklace? I resolve to ask her when I see her tonight.
'Excellent, I am glad she did. I will see you tonight. Keep me appraised of every development.'
'Yes, sir.' Sawyer replies.
I hang up and go in search of some breakfast. I am pretty sure Mia has cooked up something delicious again. I walk to the large kitchen and smile when I see Mia prattling around stirring in various pots and pans. She is talking animatedly to my parents to Mrs. Harris who is setting the large, rustic kitchen table. Mrs. Harris is a sweet set woman in her early 50s with sparkling green eyes. She, her husband and two of her sons take care of my parents Montana estate especially the horses. Her husband, Eric and my mother bought a couple of young wild mustangs a few years back and he and Mrs. Harris have been training them ever since. The horses are very dear to my mother. She has been fascinated with Mustangs for as long as I can remember.
'Christian! Thank god you are here. I cant open this can of peaches because Elliot broke the can opener and left me hanging! How am I suppose to make my famous dulce de leche peach pastries!?'She says dramatically.
I suppress the urge to smile. Typical Mia. She is exuberant, sweet, with a heart of gold but incredibly over dramatic.
'What do you want me to do about it?' I tease knowing she will blow up at me. She stops milling about and stares at me like I am some simpleton.
'I want you to fix it and open the can for me.' I grab the broken can opener from the counter and examine it. It is nearly broken in half. What the hell did Elliot do to it?
'Mia I can fix a lot of things but this is even beyond my capabilities. It is completely broken.'
'Well tell me, Christian?.. How am I supposed to make my pastries then?' she replies agitated.
'Why are you making a dessert for breakfast is a better question.' I counter. Mia is an incredible cook. She went to culinary school in France the same one I fucked Anastasia's friend Jimmy off to.
'Because you will be leaving soon and won't stay for dinner. I can't let you leave without trying my peaches! It is my signature dish !' she says petulantly. Right, we are back at this again. She is still mad I won't spend New Years with Anastasia in Montana.
'If you would just stay for one more day I don't have to stress so much, Anastasia can try my signature dish and I get to meet her before the years' end.'
'Seriously Mia I want to spend some time alone with Anastasia and I have asked you to respect that. Please stop trying to guilt trip me it won't help. You can make your signature dish on January second. For now, some toast and an omelet will suffice.' I say pointedly and put down the can of peaches back on the kitchen counter.
'But Christian..' She begins giving me her doe eyes and I find it hard not to cave. I hate it when she does that. Mia is one of the only people that has me wrapped around her finger and she knows it. She has done this ever since she was little. This time, however, I will not give in to her spending time alone with Anastasia is more important to me.
'Enough Mia. Just drop it I won't change my mind so stop trying.'
'Fine whatever Christian. Just open the damn can for me.' She says while pushing the can back in my hands again.
I sigh take a spoon from the drawer and press the head of the spoon against the seam of the can before rubbing it back and forward making sure to put enough pressure on the seam of the can. Soon the material gives way and the can opens. I demonstratively put the can back in front of Mia and she glares at me.
'Thank you.' She says petulantly.
I shake my head and sit down at the kitchen table and open the morning paper.
'Coffee Mr. Grey?' Mrs. Harris asks.
'Yes, please.' I nod at her and she purrs me a steaming hot cup of coffee. I take a lump of sugar and forfeit the cream this time.
'Here.' Says Mia while she unceremoniously places down a plate with toast scrambled eggs and bacon in front of me. I fold the paper and set it away to read later.
'Thank you, Mia.' I say sweetly and she rolls her eyes off me still smarting from not getting her way.
'Goood Morning little brother and little sister!' Elliot says while waltzing into the kitchen in his running gear. One of his large grubby hands dives into my plate stealing a piece of toast. It is pissing me off enormously. I hate it when people take food from me.
'Dammit Elliot get your sweaty paws out my damn plate.'
'Jeez Christian, what has crawled up your ass and died?' He teases. He turns around and grabs a couple of freshly baked toast from the kitchen counter and shoves it in his face.
'Elliot get your filthy hands of that plate!' Mia shrieks furiously. ' Why can't you act like a normal person and wait for breakfast like everybody else does. And go take a shower. You stink!'
'Why are you two so angry today? You both need to get laid but please don't take your frustrations out on me.' He snaps and storms out of the kitchen almost bumping into mom.
'Kids please stop this animosity towards each other! I would like to celebrate the holidays with peace and understanding. Especially in my own home. It is not often that we get to spend time together and Christian will be leaving in the afternoon.' There is a hint of disappointment in my mother's voice. I feel a small stab of guilt in my chest. I do not like to disappoint my mother. I take another sip of my coffee before muttering an apology to her.
She sits at the table with me and we are soon joined by Mia, my maternal grandparents, and my father. Mrs. Harris quickly serves out Mia's breakfast feast for us all. My grandfather immediately engages me in conversation.
'You want to join me for a hike around the lake later son?' he asks.I adore my grandfather he has always been kind and respectful to me no matter how much of a pain I was. He is 80 now but still as fit as any of us.
'Oh, I was hoping that we could all go horseback riding after breakfast I have been dying to take the mustangs out.' My mother interjects.
He gives her an indulgent smile.
'Anything you want to do is fine with me Gracie.'
It has been a while since I went horseback riding. My old piano teacher Ms. Kathy had horses and I regularly rode in my teen years.
'Anything left for me?' Elliot enters grumbling.
'There is plenty left Elliot so relax.' My dad says without looking up at his plate.
'Are coming horseback riding with us, Elliot?' I ask a peace offering for our earlier spat.
Elliot good-natured as he accepts my offer gracefully.
The sun shines brightly and a gentle mountain breeze graces my skin. The cool mountain air has gotten a little warmer since my earlier morning run. I enjoy the warm sun rays on my face and the crispness of the winter air. I walk towards the stables after changing into jeans and a thick warm sweater. I push my brand new black Stetson on my head. I cannot help smiling a little when I was a Christmas gift from Mia. She bought one for each of us saying that we should spend our time in Montana in style.
'Howdy partner.' Elliot teases while tapping his head.
'I cannot believe she bought us these heads.' He chuckles.
'Well, it does not surprise me it is so Mia.'
'True C, true.'
'Hurry up you slowpokes we are waiting for you!' Mia says galloping towards us on her horse. She is wearing pink leather boots and an obnoxiously glittering pair of jeans. She comes to a halt in front of the stables.
'Flanagan and King are the only ones left. Mr. Harris already saddled them both.'
'I take King.' I immediately say. 'Flanagan is lazy so he is better suited for Elliot.'
'Fuck off.' Christian, he growls I tap my head and smile. ' Likewise Lelliot.'
King is a large sturdy dark brown stallion with white feet and a hot-headed temperament. In a way, he is just like me. He lifts his head and softly neighs when he sees me. I gently pet his neck and scratch his nose.
'He is more than ready to go, Mr. Grey, he has been cooped up in his stable for two days so he might be a little explosive.' Mr. Harris says appearing from one of the stable boxes.
I tap my head in greeting.
'I keep that is mind. Thank you, George.'
'Have fun, sir.'
I take the reins from his neck and escort him outside. I put my foot in the stirrup and smoothly climb in the saddle. King breezes and neighs ready for action. I smile and gently nudge my feet against his belly and he sprints away. I decide to let him blow off some excess energy I shift my right foot a little backward. 'Go King!' I yell and he jumps into a gallop. Running into the wide open space. The wind blows in my face and it feels just like I am soaring. Free and happy. It is exhilarating. Why am I doing this not more often? Maybe I should get a horse and build a stable on the meadow? I wonder if Ana likes horses too. I turn King around back to where my Mother, Mia, my grandfather, and Elliot are waiting. Grandma and my father decided to stay home to play bridge with Taylor and Ryan. Grandma Trevelyan is not as fit as grandpa.
My mother beams when we ride towards the horse trail. ' I have been wanting to this ever since we got here. I am so happy doing this with my kids and father.' She babbles.
Montana is beautiful. Large snow covered pine and fir trees flank the snowy trail the little stream next to it is completely frozen. Countless icicles spike downwards from the rocks in the frosted water. It looks like a frozen waterfall. The trail veers to the right and we enter the large open snowy plains. The sound of muffled horse hooves on the ground is rhythmic, soothing even.
'Come on let's get some action going. The last person at the foot of the mountain is a loser!' Elliot howlers and speeds away. Quickly followed by Mia and grandpa. Who are equally as excited.
'Calm down! We do n't want accidents!' mom yells at them worried before speeding her horse up to leaving me behind.
'Come on King. Let's show them!'
I quickly overtake my mother and grandfather I spur King on harder and he passes Elliot with breakneck speed. Mia's and her horse Sapphire a horse so dark she looks almost blue are within reach.
'No way Christian!' She yells and squeals spurring her horse on harder. The distance between us grows. Mia has always been an excellent Amazon she has been riding since she was six and owns two horses of her own. The foot of the mountain gets closer and closer. 'Come on King harder!' I urge him on hoping to get closer to Mia. The distance between us gets smaller but Mia and Sapphire remain to fast for us to overtake. We are nearing the foot of the mountain and they are still nearly a foot ahead of us. Mia slows down knowing and comes to a halt at the foot of the mountain winning the race. She cheers triumphantly and pets the neck of Sapphire. I reach her within seconds followed by my mother and grandfather. Elliot and Flanagan are last to reach our destination and I cannot help but laugh at him.
'Once a loser always a loser.' I tease.
'Fuck off Christian.' He snaps back.
'Boys language.' Mom admonishes.
'That was exhilarating!' Grandpa says with a huge smile on his face. 'Its good to let loose now and again.'
'Agreed.' We all say in unison.
We continue the trail at a slower pace only switching to a gentle trot now and again. Two hours later we are back at the house. My muscles ache a little from the three-hour journey but it is not really unpleasant. A hot bath will make it go away soon enough.
I take Kings saddle off and clean his hooves before brushing him clean. I throw his blanket on and lead him back to his stable.
'Thanks for the ride buddy.' I say and give him an apple which he greedily eats up.
Back at the house, Taylor is waiting for me along with Ryan.
'Sir, Stephan just informed me the plane is waiting on a private airstrip near Missoula.'
'Thank you, Taylor. I am ready to go within the hour. Tell him to standby.'
'Yes, sir.' He says and sounders of. I decide to take another shower before I go. I smell of sweat and horses and I highly doubt Anastasia would appreciate the odor.
Once I have showered I put on some gray slacks and a button-down white shirt. I stare at the louche fucker in the mirror a moment before averting my eyes. I hate looking at myself. I quickly comb my hair and make my way downstairs again. It is time to go and meet Anastasia in Aspen. Butterflies are bouncing up and down in my stomach. I cannot wait to see her again, not having her near me almost drove me insane. I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. I can hardly believe that I have survived all this time without her. But maybe that is exactly what I did. Surviving not living. It is funny really, realizing how someone I have only known for a few months can have such an incredible influence on my life. I scoff Master of the universe my ass.
I hear voices in the hallway and see my entire family waiting downstairs for me.
'Do you really have to go? We would be more than happy to have Anastasia here with us celebrating new years.' My mother asks imploringly.
'I know that mom and thank you. But I would really like to spend New years with just the two of us.'
She smiles at me, a sweet motherly smile and her hazel eyes light up a little. She gently brushes my cheek with the back of her hand. The only place she can touch me.
'I never thought I'd see the day you be so completely in love. It is such a delight to see Christian.'
Love? I want to laugh at the notion. My mother is such a hopeless, naive romantic. I am incapable of loving anyone. What I feel for Anastasia is something entirely different it is a dark, primal all-consuming feeling; A selfish, unrelenting, unending need for her that I cannot control. But you want Anastasia to love you… That taunting little voice in the back of my mind is a truth I cannot deny nor accept putting me in a split. How can anyone love me? Especially her? After everything that has happened between us? I am a sick, twisted unlovable bastard the rotten fruit from an equally rotten tree. But I want no, I need Anastasia regardless of that fact and I will take her any way I can have her. Even if it means hurting her. She is mine and mine alone an Angel I stole from God because he never cared for me. He owes me her so I can have a little light in my perpetual dark and bleak world.
I bent forward and kiss her on the cheek.
'Thank you for the great Christmas mother.'
'Oh, Christian don't be silly. I am your mother it is my job to make all your Christmases great. Promise me you and Anastasia will come and visit us soon.'
'I promise.'
'Son. Have a safe flight and say hello to Anastasia for me.' My father says gruffly and gives me a firm handshake.
'Sure thing dad.'
' Well little bro, since you are leaving me now to get laid which I totally understand. I demand beers and a Mariners game with you first thing next year.'
I roll my eyes at Elliot.
'Sure thing Elliot.' I say and give him a firm handshake before turning my attention to pouting Mia.
I open my arms to her and slowly walks over to me. I envelop her in a firm hug and kiss her hair.
'I promise you, Mia, Anastasia and I will come and visit soon.'
'You are always busy or traveling and we barely get to see you. I hate that you are leaving us so soon now.' She pouts.
I hate disappointing my family especially Mia. But it is for the best. I am no good for them. They deserve someone better than a dark, sick bastard as their sibling and son. Elena said that distance was the best I could give them so I would keep them safe from my darkness and I know she is right.
With a final wave, I say goodbye to my family and enter the waiting black Range Rover that is taking me to the airport. Taylor drives us on to the main road with Ryan riding shotgun.
I stare out the tinted windows but hardly absorb the rugged but beautiful Montana scenery. My mind is too preoccupied with thoughts of Anastasia. She will be airborne soon it takes longer to fly from Boston to Aspen than Montana to Aspen. One of my other jets is flying her to Aspen. I wonder how she liked her Christmas. Will she be able to trust me now even just a little bit? Will she be more malleable now that I have shown her my good side? God, I hope she is. It has been more than over a month since we last have sex and I don't think I will be able to keep this dry spiel up for long. Not with her. It is like she has brought me to live from a lifetime of not living. Sex with her is like heaven on earth it is exhilarating, comforting and all-consuming. I scoff internally what else do you expect from sex with an Angel, Grey? I don't want to take her just on the basis of the contract even though she consented to me when she signed it. But I don't think I am able to stop myself if that's the case. You are one sick and fucked up son of a bitch Grey! That little voice in the back of my mind scolds me. Nobody had ever this effect on me Anastasia is driving me insane.
The car stops on the private airfield a couple of miles away from Missoula.
Taylor opens my door while Ryan loads in the suitcases. I climb the stairs and enter the plane. Stephan Doyle my pilot and Carol Griffith my co-pilot greet me politely. A young brunette stewardess I have never seen before introduces herself as Allison Richards. I hate getting a new flight attended on my flights. What the hell happened to Rebecca my regular flight attended?
'I will be attending to your needs today sir.' She says all breathy and flirtatious. Clearly willing to do more than just serving food and drinks. I have to suppress the urge to snap at her. She is beautiful. I suppose my type. Petite, her dark hair is wavy and her light green eyes are sparkling. She would have been excellent sub material a year and a half ago, but now I don't spare her a second glance. The truth is; she can not hold a candle to Anastasia. No woman does and that thought is deeply unsettling.
'Where is Rebecca?' I grunt at Carol and Stephan.
'Sick, came down with the flu.' Carol answers apologetically.
I sit down on one of the chairs and strap my self in.
'Bring me a brandy and something to eat the moment we are airborne.' I snap annoyed at the new flight attended like she is to blame for Rebecca's flu situation.
'Yes, Mr. Grey.' She scurries off a little miffed but I don't give a flying fuck. I have half of mind to fire her on the spot.
The seat belt buckle springs on Stephan disembodiment voice rings through the intercom informing me that we are ready to take off.
The woman brings my drink and a club sandwich.
'Here you are sir.' She says. Instead of leaving me after bringing my stuff she keeps standing annoyingly near my chair batting her eyelashes at me.
'What?!' I snap irritated and completely fed up with her unprofessional behavior.
'Anything else sir?' she answers quickly.
'No. We are about to take off, so sit down and don't bother me again unless I ask for you.' I growl.
'Yes, sir.' She says disappointment edged in her voice.
I drain my brandy and watch the scenery quickly passing by. Stephan is taxiing the plane and quickly stirs us on the runway. The plane picks up speed and suddenly I am pressed back into my chair the plane has reached escape velocity from the earth gravitational pull. The buildings on the ground become smaller and smaller as the plane climbs higher into the sky.
Stephan corrects course a couple of times making the plane tilt to the right. After 15 minutes we have reached cruising altitude and all I can see is a cloudless sky outside my window. The seatbelt light switches off again.
Stephan informs me through the intercom that we will reach Aspen in 1 hour and 12 minutes. I cannot wait to see Anastasia again she will land a couple of hours after me since it takes longer to fly from Boston to Aspen. I feel the butterflies fluttering in my stomach again. This new feeling has become a familiar companion over the last few months. It is as terrifying as it is thrilling and it's making me restless. I decide to do some work to take my mind off things. My email box is flooded with work-related email and I diligently get to work on them starting with the once Marcus send me about a potential take over Kavanagh Media. It is an interesting proposal it will allow me a great deal of control of what is written about me in the media and it is an excellent tool to keep Ana's best friend and Elliot girlfriend, Katherine Kavanagh in line. If Anastasia would ever tell her something about what we have I will have some major leverage against her. It sounds hard but my experiences in the business world have thought me to always have an ace up your sleeve. I am engrossed in the proposal hardly realizing the time fly by. I write notes on the side of the document for Marcus to take into consideration before pursuing this acquisition.
The seatbelt light flickers on again and Stephan informs me that we are about to land soon. After 15 minutes the ¨plane lands smoothly on the runway and taxies on the tarmac.
I undo my seatbelt and make my way to the plane door where that annoying flight attended is already waiting.
´Did you have a nice flight, sir? She asks with the same flirtatious manner. I roll my eyes and order her to open the doors. You should think she has gotten the hint by now.
I move from the plane on to the tarmac with Ryan and Taylor in tow. A black tinted windowed Escalade is waiting for us and we quickly get in.
It takes about 40 minutes to drive to my Aspen property. It is located high in the mountains and has astonishing views of the surrounding mountains. I had it designed by an architect fuck buddy of Elliot named Gia Matteo about two years ago.
Taylor steers the car through the electric gates and drives onto the long driveway. The sounds of small rocks crushing beneath the wheels of the heavy vehicle is clearly audible. He stops in front of the front door and Ryan opens my car door. The house is a real modernistic statement. It is entirely made out of steel, wood, and glass and is completely self-sufficient energy wise.
Mrs. and Mr. Bentley my housekeepers greet me politely at the door and inform me that dinner is ready whenever I want to eat.
'Thank you, both. I will eat when my Ms. Steele gets here. I ate on the plane so I don't require anything to eat now. I will be in my study.'
'Certainly sir.' Mrs. Bentley says and gives me a polite smile.
'Taylor, inform me when Ms. Steele has landed and is on her way.'
'Yes, Mr. Grey.' He nods and I leave them to do some more work in my office. Just to keep my mind off Anastasia.
Over an hour later I have gone through most of my important mail and I am restless I cannot wait for Anastasia to get here. I stand up from my chair and walk towards my liqueur cabinet to pour myself a Cognac. I swirl the amber liquid around my glass and walk over to the tall glass windows. The mountain view is breathtaking from up here. Not only the peaks but everything is covered with a thick blanket of virgin snow. The deep green pine trees, ferns, and various holly bushes form a stark contrast with the winter wonder landscape.
Maybe I should take Anastasia for a walk on one of the many trails? Would she like that? I take a sip of my Cognac it leaves a pleasant burn down my throat. The persistent buzzing of my cell phone pulls me from my window viewing. I check my watch, Anastasia won't be landing until well over an hour. Who the hell is calling me now? I pick up my phone from my desk and look at the caller ID. I sigh, it is Elena. For a brief moment, I tempted to ignore her before I decide to take her call. She is my only friend after all.
'Elena, what do I ow the pleasure.' I answer curtly.
'Since when do I need a particular reason to call a friend Christian?' she chastises me.
I roll my eyes knowing full well she cant see me.
'Elena, you never call without a reason.'
'Ouch Christian, that hurts. Is that how you see me? Calling you for things? I thought you knew me better. '
'I am sorry Elena. That wasn't very kind of me.' I reply mollified and feeling a little ashamed for letting my anxiety over Anastasia's arrival out on Elena.
'No Christian it wasn't. I don't know what has gotten into you lately but you are acting short-tempered and wound up it seems to me like your needs are not getting met...
Christ, I know where this is going. She is trying to meddle in my relationship with Anastasia again.
'Elena stop it, don't go there.'I warn. 'I am fine. Just tired from my flight from Montana.'
She is silent for a moment.
'Oh, so your back in town again I thought you would spend your holidays with your family in Montana. Don't worry I understand your reticence for family events.' She says a little conspiratorial. 'Since you are back in town I would like to invite you to my new year's party at the club.' She beams.
Here comment on my family annoys the hell out of me for some reason. I know I am not good enough for them, she does not need to rub it in.
'No, I am not in Seattle.' I snap. Feeling a slight flurry of joy in rejecting her. It's a new feeling.
'Oh,' she says disappointment oozing from her voice and it delights me. I decide to go for the knock out punch, feeling a little vindictive.
'I will be staying in my Aspen home celebrating new years with Anastasia.'
'Oh.' She says again and is silent for a moment. 'Are you sure that is a good idea? It seems like you are spoiling her too much. Please, believe me, I don't want to interfere I mean I respect your wishes. I am staying out of your relationship with the girl. But she might take advantage of you if you give her too much of your soft side. I am afraid you won't get what you need. I just don't want you to get hurt.' She says imploringly and I find it hard not to head her call after all, she has always looked out for my best interests.
'I know Elena. I have everything under control. Don't worry about it.'
'Well, then I wish you a happy new year.' She says softly.
'You two Elena. Same goes for Isaac.'
'Thank you.' She replies. I tell her goodbye and hang up the phone. Elena's words are still ringing in my head. I have given Anastasia my softer side hoping she'll trust me enough to continue the psychical part of our agreement. But what if she doesn't? This has been nagging on my mind for days now. Elena is right; the beast in me needs feeding and if Anastasia does not come around I might need to get tougher with her again. I stare at the few important emails left. I don't have the energy to finish them today. That feeling of anxious restlessness has crept up on me again. I down my tumbler and move to the living room to play my piano. One the few things that always brings me solace.
I don't know how long I have been sitting her caressing the keys playing one soulful piece after another. It must have been more than an hour. Because Taylor has informed me that Anastasia has landed and is on her way over to me. Excitement and trepidation course through my body. I am finally going to see her again after three long days. I hope my plan has paid off and she is more amenable to my wishes. I long to hold her again, to feel her again, to be inside her again. My cock hardens at the thought and I lick my lips. I leave my piano and phase around the living room feeling like a caged lion begging to be set free.
At last Mrs, Bentley opens the front door and Anastasia walks in gracefully. For a moment I am lost for words she looks absolutely stunning in her gray pencil skirt and white blouse. Every time I lay eyes on her she takes my breath away. No woman ever had this effect on me.
I walk over to her holding my hands out. All I want to do is hold her and feel her again I am drawn to her like a Mott to a flame.
'Anastasia.' I gently grab her shoulders and place a soft kiss on her cheek. The smell and feel of her! And to my surprise, she does not push me away. I feel elated.
'Christian.' She quips back.
'I trust that you had a pleasant flight?' I inquire.
'Yes, thank you it was nice.'
There is a little awkwardness between us and I hate it. I want her to be comfortable with me, it is the first step of trust.
'Good, good I am happy to hear it. I am sure that you want to freshen up before dinner'
'Yes, that would be lovely thank you.' She replies softly not looking me in the eyes.
I take her hand and lead her to my bedroom.
'This house is really beautiful, Christian.' She comments and I swell with pride.
'Thank you. The architect that did design this house is a friend of Elliot. She also redesigned aspects of my house on the sound.I could give you a tour of this place later if you want?'
She looks up at me and for the first time in a while, she gives me a little smile.
'I would like that.'
'Here we are.' I say and open my bedroom door. ' This where you will be staying. The bathroom is adjoined .' I point to the right side of the room.
She looks a little surprised when she sees my clothes folded on the chair near the bed.
'This is your room?'
'Yes, why?'
'Oh, I just thought.. You know .. We would sleep in different rooms?'
Her comments annoy the hell out of me I told her time and time again that I sleep better with her. She sleeps in the same bed as me in Seattle why the hell is she making an issue out of this?
'I already told you I sleep better with you next to me. I don't understand why you are making an issue of this. You sleep next to me back home.' I say pointedly.
'Yes, you are right. I am sorry.I thought maybe you wanted to sleep alone on holiday.' And I am surprised how easily she acquiesces.
' Well, I don't. There are towels in the bathroom closet. I leave you to it.'
Not sure what to do with myself I decided to check on dinner. I walk to the kitchen and see Mrs. Bentely stirring in some pots and pans.
'Mrs. Bentely, what time can dinner be served?'
She smiles at me.
'In fifteen minutes Mr. Grey.'
'Good.' I nod at her.
I decided to make myself useful en set the table surprising Mrs. Bentley.
'Robert can do that sir.' She says referring to her husband.
'It's alright feeling a little bored anyway.' She gives me another smile and continues her cooking. It smells good.
fifteen minutes later the table is set and dinner is served. Anastasia, however, is still upstairs. I sigh and walk upstairs again to see whats keeping her. I briskly knock on my bedroom door before opening it. She is standing in the middle of the room in some navy blue yoga pants and a white woolen sweater. She looks gorgeous and I can hardly keep my eyes off her.
I startled her because she nearly jumps. I hate that she is so on edge around me.
'Dinner is ready. Boeuf burgeon and mashed potatoes. Mrs. Bentely's signature dish.' I say by way of explanation.
'Oh, it sounds lovely I am almost done. Just putting my socks on.'She gives me tight smile and puts on some hideously looking multi-colored knitted socks that look like someone stole them from a poor unsuspected circus clown.
Apparently, she notices the look of distaste on my face while I am looking at her socks.
'My mom made them for me.' She says a little apologetically. And I feel like crap I should have figured that is was a gift from her eccentric mother.
'They are quite colorful.'
She looks at them again and smiles.
'Yes, they are. But so is my mom.'
She puts on some equally hideous plush orange cat slippers. 'I am all set.' She comments and I point at her slippers.
'Another gift from your mother?'
And she laughs her first real genuine laugh and it makes my heart soar. For the first time since this arrangement, she seems at ease around me.
'How did you figure?'
I grin at her.
'Lucky guess.'
Dinner passes in the same lightheartedness and It gives me hope, hope for the future. Maybe she will learn to trust even love me after all? The thought is almost too painful to bear. I know that nobody can or should love me I am a monster but it is something I want more than life itself.
After dessert is served she is quiet and introspective gone is the lightheartedness from earlier and it puts me on edge again. Suddenly she stares up at me while fingering the golden necklace around her neck. I recognize it as the locket she pawned off to some shady pawn shop a couple of months back. God! The shit that I had to pull to get that thing back still annoys the hell out of me.
I had known the owner Clay McGill, from hearsay. He is a real piece of shit. Julian Reese one of my more unscrupulous acquittances's still had an ax to grind with him and he owes me a lot of favors. That asshole McGill gave her far to little cash for it and he was planning on having it melted the moment she left his filthy shop. He actually tried to rip me off demanding 200k for it when I tried to buy it back. When I refused to pay that ludicrous amount of money he said he did not have it anymore. So called in one of my outstanding favors with Julian. The next morning the locket and a copy of the Seattle times were on my desk at GEH. I opened the paper and was greeted with the blaring headline Pawnshop boss savagely assaulted. He learned the hard way that nobody fucks with Christian Grey.
Finally, I cant take the silence between us anymore. I need to know where we stand.
'Is there something wrong with your dessert?'
She looks up at me a little startled.
'No, no. It tastes great.' She sighs and puts her fork down and looks at me.
'Thank you for all the presents. My parents really appreciated them.'
'Only your parents?' I arch my brow slightly confused didn't she like what I got her?
'You shouldn't have you know… it made me feel uncomfortable. Like you were trying to buy me or something.'
Fucking hell why does he always feel the need to dramatize everything. It was Christmas I bought her presents it's not a fucking big deal!
'I did not need to buy you I already own you.' I snap unable to control my temper. She looks at me shocked and indigently and I somewhat regret my outburst.
'You may own my time for a couple of months but you will never own me.' She snaps back. Oh, baby how wrong you are. I am in no mood to fight with her at the moment.
'I am sorry I shouldn't have said that.'
'No you shouldn't have.' She replies petulantly
'I just wanted you to have a nice Christmas. Money means nothing to me, Anastasia. I am worth over 70 billion dollars a few season tickets a statue and a locket mean nothing to me. But I know how much it means to you and your folks.' I reply pointedly. She looks shocked again.
'I don't give a shit about your bottom line Christian. How did you know anyway? What my parents like? How did you know about the locket? I haven't told anybody that I sold it.' Her voice is soft almost a whisper.
'Language.' I growl I hate it when she swears its unbecoming. She rolls her eyes at me and I nearly explode.
'Anastasia, don't push me.' I hiss.
'I am sorry.' She has the good sense to look contrite. 'Please answer me.' She pleads.
Shit, how am I going to explain this one?
'When we visited your father in Boston he told me he was a huge Seahawk fan, as for your mother looking at the sculptures she makes and posts on her webpage it does not take a genius to figure out she is a Giacometti admirer.' I deliberately leave out the locket how do I explain to her that I had been watching her for months? She will never understand...
'What about the locket?'She eyes me critically.
Fuck! I need to come up with something plausible quickly.
'When we made our arrangement I went through your finances. I found a receipt for your visit to that pawnshop so I sent Taylor to get your necklace back.' Half truths are the strongest lies.
By the look on her face, it is safe to say that she is not convinced by my explanation. She is smart and inquisitive and I cannot help but feel proud of her.
'How? I went to that pawnshop prior to our arrangement and the owner told me he did not have it anymore. I remember it clearly because he was quite skittish and wanted me out of his shop asap. The whole thing was quite strange.'
I knew that shit would come back and haunt me.
'Anastasia that pawn shop owner is a notorious liar and a thief. Out of all places, you could have pawned that locket you choose to most shady of them all. He obviously lied to you. How much did he give you for it 200? That locket was worth over 2 grand he conned you pure and simple.'
´I feel so stupid.. It is just that I needed the money really badly.´
´Don´t. You got the locket back so there is no need for guilt or sorry´s. Regret and guilt are useless emotions.´ she looks at me indignantly clearly vexed by my opinion on the matter.
´I disagree…' she begins but I stop her.
'Let's not do this today Anastasia. Come, I owe you a tour of the house.' I have had enough conflict for tonight. I offer her my hand and thankfully she accepts it.
After 30 minutes we have done almost the entire except for the library and the cinema.
'Come we have two more rooms left.' I say to her and lead her out of the pool room.
'How many houses do you own?' She inquires and her interest in me delights me to no end.
'5. Two in Seattle the home where we are staying and a penthouse in Escala that is currently on the market, This one, the one in Italy and one in London.'
'You own a house in England?' she asks slightly awed and it makes me smile. Of course, an English lit student as herself would be charmed with Jolly old England.
'Yes, my European headquarter is located in England. I will take you to London sometime.' 'Here we are.' I open the library door and are thoroughly satisfied when I hear he gasp. Unlike the libraries in my other homes, this one is stark white with dark mahogany wood and glass shelves. It's modern just like the rest of the house.
'Do all your houses have libraries?'
'Yes, books have always been a big part of my life. They offered solace when humans could not. A world where I could escape to and get a reprieve for my own problems if only for a little while.' It's another dark confession she has gotten from me without asking.
Her eyes connect with mine and an unspoken understanding passes between us binding us together on some primal level. Its unsettling and unbalancing me leaving me with far too many unanswered questions. I scrape my throat desperate to get out of this room into safer territory.
'Come there is one more room left.' I take her hand and stir her back to the hall. We walk together in silence. The cinema room is placed in the basement area of the house. It has its own bar with the popcorn maker. A big U shaped couch stand in front of the IMAX screen and a long gas lite fireplace has been built in the wall under it. Anastasia is once again awestruck when we enter and it makes me gleeful.I am so happy that I able to impress her this way.
'This is out of this world Christian. I think it looks better than the cinema at your Seattle place.'
'You think?I might change it then.' I grin at her.
'Why? It's your place..'
I shrug she would be surprised if you knew what I would do to please her.
'Well I rarely if ever used that room and if you want to use it to watch movies I rather you like it.'
She looks confounded for a brief moment like she does not understand nor believes what I just told her.
'Its fine just the way it is and if I am grateful that you allow me to use it.' Her voice is soft and melodic.
'I want you to feel comfortable with me Anastasia.' I say and gently push a runaway strain of hair behind her ear. That unearthly magnetic force is pulsating between us and I have to try my hardest resist the urge to kiss those sweet plump lips of hers. Why shouldn't you kiss her? You own her right? Just take her... The beast inside me roars. And for a brief moment, I want to give into my primal nature.
She scrapes her throat and steps back awkwardly. I curse myself for making her feel this way. Quickly Grey mend this!
'You want to test this room out and watch a movie?' I blurt out hoping to make her feel comfortable again. 'We can have popcorn and drinks.' I feel like a blathering fool.
She wrings her hands and I prime myself for her rejection.
'Sure.' She says surprising me and I can hardly contain my elation. I feel like a teenage boy again going on his first date. Only I never went on a date I had Elena. It all feels bittersweet somehow.
'Why don't you pick out the movie while I make popcorn and drinks.'
'You let me pick out the movie?' she says disbelievingly. 'Anything I want?'
'Yes. Any movie you like is fine with me. To be honest I have no idea what's fun to watch. I seldom watch movies.'
'Really? Why don't you like films?'
I shrug noncommittally.
'Just like you I prefer books and let my own mind make the pictures.'
'I get what you mean.´ she says and gives me a small smile.
I turn on the popcorn maker and it begins to pop immediately.
´What would you like to drink? We have milkshakes.' I say when I spy the milkshake machine. I did not know I owned one.
'Chocolate?' she asks delighted and I grin at her seeing her like this it stirs a whole lot of conflicting emotions inside of me. I want her to be carefree and happy at the same time I want so much more from her. I want her body, her mind, and her soul her complete and total surrender to me. Its like she is a part of that has been missing for so long but now finally has been found. No one ever had this effect on me it makes me feel alive.
'One chocolate coming right up. Found a movie yet?'
'Yes, a Christmas Carrol it has been a while since I have seen this.'
'Cool. I read the book in my teen years. You want me to turn on the fireplace?' I say while handing her the milkshake.
'Yeah sure.' She answers while pressing a button on the tablet turning on the IMAX screen.
I walk over to the fireplace and press the button but it refuses to turn on I press it again and hear the gas sizzling for a minute but the fireplace stays dormant. 'Dammit.' I hiss under my breath. Looks like I have to turn it on manually. I take some matches that from the drawer of the coffee table. I push the button again, light the match and stick my hand in the fireplace to turn it on. A large flash flame engulfs my hand. The pain is searing and I let out a loud scream. Pulling back my hand quickly I curse. The smell of burning flesh assaults my nostrils making me feel sick.
'O my God, Christian are you alright? Your hand is all red.' She softly grabs it and inspects the burn. 'Come you need to place it under lukewarm water to sooth the skin.' She gently stirs me to the bar and turns on the tap and checks the temperature and places my hand under the lukewarm water. All I can do is stare at her in mute admiration. Her sweet gentle care, her intoxicating scent, and close proximity make me heady. No one has ever taken care of me like that. Unwelcome memories of the crack whore and the pimp suddenly flood my mind. An overwhelming fear seizes me and it feels like I am losing control. I try to breathe but I cannot get enough oxygen into my lungs. The cruel voice of the pimp keeps blaring in my head. 'No, No, No, No, not the burn, please not the burn.' I feel it on my chest I scream and cry but it won't stop. I feel hazy like I am going to faint.
'Christian, please Christian. Shht its alright nobody is going to hurt you.' A sweet melodic voice is pulling me through the mist. 'Please Christian look at me.' Warm hands gently push my head up and a stunning pair of blue eyes greets me.
'Now concentrate on what I say. Can you do that Christian?' her eyes are besieging me. But I can't answer her my throat feels constricted. Like someone is chocking me.
'Breath, Christian, breathe. You are having a panic attack nobody is going to hurt you ok?' Her voice is soft and pleading. I concentrate on her voice and on her lovely face while trying to take deep breathes. She slowly stirs me to the couch and sits me down before sitting next to me. Her hand gently presses a cool towel against my hand. 'Sssh, it's going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok, no one will hurt you.' She hums the mantra over and over again, its soothing. The fog inside my head gradually disappears and I can breathe more easily.
'Let me get some water for you.' She states calmly and gets up from beside me.
'No! No, don't go stay with me.. Please?' I cling to her desperately I don't want her to go. I want her to stay with me. She cant leave me, she is mine and mine alone. She opens her mouth and closes it again before sitting back to me on the couch. Minutes tick by and neither of us says something.
Suddenly I feel foolish for making such a display of myself. If Elena ever saw me like this weak, scared and trembling she would be rightfully ashamed of me and I imagine that Anastasia feels the same way.
'I am sorry..' I start not knowing what else to say.
She looks at me confounded.
'What for?'
'For my ridicules behavior earlier. You were only trying to help me..'
'Christian, you don't need to apologize you had a panic attack is nothing to be ashamed about or sorry for.'
I stare at her unknowing what to say. I was so sure she would judge and ridicule me. She has every reason to…
'Do you have them often? The panic attacks?'
I think about the question for a moment.
'No, not since my teen years.' I answer hoarsely. Elena beat them right out of me. She mocked me every time I had thought me how to control them that way. She could never fix the nightmares though.
'I guess something triggered them.' She says more to herself than to me.
She has no idea... The smell of burned flesh her sweet care where the crack whore failed. It was all too much. My sordid past has been weighing on me for so long it has been my constant companion. For some unfathomable reason, I feel the inexplicit need to tell her everything about my past with the crack whore even though I know that she would probably enjoy my suffering. Who would blame her if she did? That annoying small voice rings in the back of my head.
'Yes, the horrible acrid smell of burned flesh... It is not only seared into my flesh but seared into my mind forever. Its one of the many scares my crack whore of a birth mother gave me in the short time I was with her.'
'She burned you?' Anastasia's eyes are large and full of compassion but anger and disgust unmistakably shape her voice.
I give her wry smile.
'No, she did not bother with me. She was neglectful. Half the time she was so out of her mind she did not even know I was there. Her pimp though always knew where to find me... He was a real piece of shit. When he was done beating her to a pulp he would come after me. No matter where I fled he always found me.' I scoff loudly. 'He was especially cruel if I fled from him. I remember one time I was about three or fours years old and I hid under the table. When he found me he grabs and kicked me. Calling me a little shit and little prick. After a while, I learned not to cry anymore and it pissed him off. So he lite up his cigarette, grabbed my hair and pulled me up. The stench of alcohol, cigarette smoke and sweat emanating from him made me nauseous. He smiled his filthy yellow teeth at me and said 'Let's see if you are still so though once I burn you.' He ripped open my shirt and pressed the butt of his cigarette out on my chest. The pain the horrible burning pain is something that I will never forget. I screamed and cried for my mother and she just stood there not moving a muscle. After that first time, it became a sport for that sick fuck to burn me as much as he good and that crack whore, the woman that was supposed to be my mother and protect me did nothing!' I spit out the words angerly. I don't dare to look at Anastasia I would hate to have her scorn or worse her pity.
Anastasia has tears in her eyes and something about it hits me deep in the gut. It isn't tears of pity but of compassion.
'That is horrible Christian, why would anyone do that to a child?' she cries out.
'Don't cry for me, Anastasia. What's done is done. It turned out all for the better in the end.'
'How did that happen?' she asks her eyes still moist with unshed tears and her lips have become sweet and plump. How I long to kiss them.
'I remember lying next to her trying to wake her. She was so cold. I gave her my blanket and tried to keep her warm but nothing worked. I even combed her hair, she liked it when I did that. But she just did not want to wake up. She had finally killed herself. It took four days until her pimp discovered us. Do you want to know the really sick part of it? When the authorities came and tried to take her away from me I kicked and screamed. I did not want to let her go.'
Anastasia gasps loudly.
'Oh, Christian you were just a little boy. Of course, you did not want to let go of your mother. You loved her.'
I let out a humorless laugh. 'Loved her? Don't be silly Anastasia. I hated her I still do… she was an unfit mother a dirty worthless crack whore.I am glad she is dead.' There is a look of consternation on Anastasia's face. Her naivete is almost disarming.
'Grace is my mother. She was the physician who tended to me when they brought me in. She looked like an Angel with her white coat and gentle voice. For the first moment I met her she respected my boundaries. If she and Carrick had not taken me in I would have been dead by now. I will forever be grateful for what they did for me even though I am a lousy son.'
There are tears streaming down Anastasia's face again and for the first time out of her own free will, she caresses my face. Her touch is sweet a panacea for a wounded soul. I lean into her warm hand and I feel calm and centered. I half expected her scorn or worse her pity. But all I found is her compassion and understanding. I feel lighter somehow less troubled. She really is an angel and God owes me her for abandoning me when I needed him most. At least this way; even I can experience a little bit of salvation.
