Chapter Twenty-eight
'I haven't done anything I can't live with yet.'
Pacing in circles around the room waiting for Neal to return Peter couldn't help but to worry about the idea that it might not be long before Neal ended up doing something he truly regretted or at least until he attempted something along those lines. If Jake kept pressing him and toying with Neal like he wasn't dangerous it would only be a matter of time before he turned on him to stop the torment. Peter had no doubt that even caught off guard Jake would be able to defend himself against Neal, the question would be if tempers were raised high enough to make him do so with lethal force.
Peter hoped that Neal's fight with Marco taught Jake that Neal could fight back if cornered and make him think twice about it. Peter also felt that the fight might have taught Neal the exact same thing, which would be useful the next time he was in the ring. He hated the idea of Neal better accepting acting violently to defend himself, but without that confidence he wasn't going to survive much longer. The fight with Marco had been far too close a call and next time Neal probably wasn't going to have the advantage of an already disabled opponent. Although as terrifying as is it had been to watch Peter was proud of Neal's deep seeded belief that if he didn't hurt someone when he had the chance that they would show him the same mercy in return.
Even if it had almost gotten him killed it spoke volumes about Neal's character that he believed in nonviolence to the point where he had to be encouraged to fight back against a man who was actively looking to murder him. Neal had always spoken of never wanted to hurt anyone despite his criminal activities, now he had proof that he truly meant that. Peter knew from experience that it was impossible to tell what was actually inside your own soul until you were faced with a life or death situation that didn't leave time for thought, only action. For himself over a decade with the Agency hadn't taught Peter who he was until the moment that Adler had turned a gun on Neal. In that moment pure instinct had combined with training for a deadly combination. Three days after he had shot Adler when everything had had a chance to sink in he'd found himself squaring off against the Bureau's resident psychologist about it.
"You know staring at me silently isn't going to get this over with any faster, in fact it's really slowing the process down."
"Tell me what to say and I'll say it."
"That's not really how it works, Agent Burke." Dr Trisha Weber smiled. "You know I don't see you White Collar boys up here very often, but you're just like all the other Agents, strong, silent, and only wanting one thing: to get back to the job. Do you guys have some sort of contest to see who can get their psych clearance papers signed with the fewest words to the psychiatrist?"
"No. I just don't have anything to say."
"Really?" Dr. Weber raised a delicate eyebrow. "Nothing's bothering you?"
"Only the fact that I can't go back to work without your say so."
"You shot and killed a man." Weber pointed out.
"I did my job."
"And no one is questioning that, the inquiry showed you were completely justified to discharge your firearm at Adler."
"Then why can't I have it back?"
"Because you look mad enough to kick a cat." Weber answered simply.
"What?"
"I know you think you hide it well, and you do, but I can see how angry you are in your every motion, eye narrowed, shoulders tense, pursing your lips ever so slightly. I hope you don't play poker." Weber smiled but returned to being serious when Peter didn't smile in return. "It's easy to feel persecuted during an event like this, FBI has to scrutinize an Agent very closely every time he or she takes lethal action against a civilian. Just remember that no one blames the dog when he kills a wolf, only when he turns on a sheep and from everything I've read Adler was no sheep."
"I don't feel like anyone's blaming me for Adler's death." Peter said honestly.
"Not even yourself?"
"No. He was going to kill Neal and it's my job to protect him. Which is exactly what I did."
"It's more than you job, I know about you two. Neal is your friend, and you saved his life. ...so why aren't you okay with what happened?"
Wishing he was anywhere else doing anything else Peter just stared silently at the small woman who was standing in between him and getting back to his job. He had thought that he and Neal were becoming friends but since the fire at the warehouse and the supposed art that burned he wasn't so sure. Right now Adler was the furthest thing from his mind and Peter was tired of dealing with him. He had other far more pressing matters on his hands right now that he needed to get back to. This last step should be as simple as just saying he was sorry for killing Adler, but he wasn't sorry, not even close, and he didn't know how to lie about that. Even if Neal did steal the art Peter didn't regret defending his life, he just wanted to help him and his pathological need to steal but he didn't even know where to begin. At the same time there was one aspect of gunning down Adler that was tugging at the edge of Peter's thoughts.
"I'm not letting you go back to work until you tell me what you're thinking."
"Fine." Peter sighed. "It bothers me that it doesn't bother me. I killed someone and…nothing has changed. I haven't changed."
"What kind of changes were you expecting?"
"I don't know." Peter admitted in frustration. "I thought…I thought that if the day came when I had to kill someone in the line of duty that I would at least hesitate, but I didn't. Not even for a second. I barely even looked at him when it was done. I just kicked the gun out of his slack grip and moved on with the case."
"Do you know what that means?"
"No."
"It means you're a good Agent."
"…thank you."
"But you already knew that." Weber continued. "You're more worried if that means that you're not a good person."
"Something like that."
"It's not an easy role, but the world needs guardians, Peter. You don't have to feel regret for taking a life when you did it to save one, in fact you should take pride in the fact that you're capable of making such a weighty decision in the split second that such things need to be decided."
Peter thought about Weber's take on the situation and nodded. He wasn't interesting in admitting out loud that he felt better having been given the validation, but he did. It hadn't surprised him that he had what it took to choose Neal's life over Adler's, it had just taken him off guard how naturally it had come to him to kill. Weber had done a good job reminding him that the seemingly barbaric instinct could be a positive trait as long as it was used to keep himself and his team safe. Taking a deep breath Peter relaxed slightly as he looked across the desk at the slight smile of triumph on the psychologist's face, having clearly reading his thought process.
"Are we done here?" Peter asked hopefully.
"Almost." Weber assured. "One last thing. I can understand why all of this would upset you, but I don't see how it would make you angry. Where is the anger coming from?"
Peter tensed again as a chill washed over his blood. When Weber took obvious note of his tension Peter cursed himself under his breath knowing that he wasn't getting out of here without one last confession.
"Peter?"
"I think Neal stole that treasure."
"Ah." Weber nodded in revelation. "Do you want to talk about that?"
"No." Peter said firmly.
Weber looked Peter over for a moment as she tried to figure out the best way to get him talking again. Peter took a breath to tell her not to waste her time when she suddenly flashed him a sad sympathetic smile that stopped him. Leaning forward she picked the pen up off her desk and signed the paper that had been sitting in front of her with the quick hand of a doctor who was used to scrawling out their signature a hundred times a day. She lifted up the standard form and offered it to Peter.
"You're clearing me?" Peter asked surprised as he took the page.
"I am." Weber nodded. "I know how time sensitive cases like this can be."
"What?"
"It's your job catch thieves, if your CI is a thief then it's your job to arrest him next."
"I don't want to have to go after Neal." Peter admitted.
"But you're going to."
"I am."
"Which is why I'm clearing you."
"Thank you." Peter sighed.
"Good luck out there, Agent." Weber said sincerely. "My door is always open, even though I know you're never going to use it."
The psychiatrist had been right and Peter hadn't stepped through her door again even though there were several times that he should have. Thinking back to Adler and everything that had happened with the treasure afterward brought Peter's mind sharply to one thought: the nauseating shock of having Elizabeth taken when Keller learned Neal had what he wanted. Peter had long since given up on his anger at Neal for hiding the art, but he still couldn't think about those hours with Elizabeth gone without anxiety. It was the hardest thing he'd ever been through, and he included his current situation in the list. She had been gone less than a day and Keller had contacted him with proof of life within hours, he on the other hand had been gone for weeks now and he doubted anyone had been in contact with her or the FBI to taught them with any hope that he was still alive.
Growing more agitated Peter tried to turn his thoughts away from the mental torment Elizabeth must be going through right now and instead focused on what he was going to do about it. Having been heavily concussed before Peter had known he wouldn't be able to do any good out in the tunnels, he would have just quickly gotten turned around and lost on his own and would have slowed Neal down if they'd gone together. Feeling more himself again Peter had a new plan. He didn't have the skill to pick the lock in the room where Jake disposed of his bodies, but the lock might respond to brute force. He hadn't been able to put his shoulder into it with Jake right outside, but he could try it now. He honestly wasn't sure why he hadn't thought of going back to try it until now but he decided not to dwell on it.
Having a plan in mind took some of the edge off of waiting for Neal to return, he just hoped that when he did he'd be in good enough shape to try a break out, and not drunk to the point of poisoning like last time. Peter hadn't wanted to let Neal go, but he didn't really have any good alternatives at the time. As much as he appreciated Neal trying to hide what he was doing it hadn't fooled him for a second, but there had been no sense in arguing or even calling him out on it. Peter wasn't sure how Neal talked Jake to play along with the secret as well, but it was a good sign that Jake was still interested in making friends and that hopefully he wasn't playing too rough. Peter wanted to believe Neal when he said that Jake wasn't a sexual predator, but he still had his doubts.
"You can do this, Neal," Peter said out loud to help himself believe it "whatever it takes, just survive…we will worry about putting the pieces back together again when we're home."
Jarring at the sound of his own voice Peter realized that he wasn't making a whole lot of sense talking to himself and that his thoughts were stepping over one another as he bounced from topic to topic, but he didn't care because at least he wasn't feeling completely hopeless at the moment. Not wanting to inspect his own sanity too closely right now Peter just allowed himself to continue pacing in the loose circle he'd been stuck in since Neal left. Working off the nervous energy was helping him keep himself from heading out and trying to find Neal right now to attempt a rescue that probably wouldn't go well. Jake was armed with that metal baton that he'd shown a high level of skill with and he was more likely to kill them both before letting Peter take Neal away from him.
Since telling Neal his theory that Jake was a prisoner as well Peter had started second guessing himself on that idea and either way starting a confrontation with Jake wasn't going to help, he was the closest thing they had down here to an ally. Peter shook his head at the thought of Jake as an ally and started to wonder if he was projecting the idea that Jake was a victim as well just to reconcile his cruelty in his own mind. It was much easier to accept the idea that Jake for all his interest in Neal wasn't helping them because he couldn't and not because he was just sadistic.
Reminded of how Jake had told him point blank how much he enjoyed inflicting pain Peter's imagination turned back to Neal's current situation. Returning to a trick that had worked last time, even if just temporarily, Peter dug his nails into the bite wound in his arm to use the pain as a distraction. He knew that the self-mutilating behavior was unhealthy, as was his repetitive pacing, but for the moment both actions were helping him cope. His momentary light heartedness at having a semblance of a plan was fading fast as he became more concerned over the time it was taking for Neal to return. Feeling the wolves nip at the heels of his sanity once again Peter took a deep breath, but it did little to help. Right now he just needed Neal to come back, he needed to know that he was at least physically okay even if he was a psychological wreck. So far Jake had proven to be a greater threat to Neal's psyche than his body but after seeing what Jake had done to Miller Peter was terrified that he might turn more traditionally violent against Neal at any moment.
"...or he already has."
Peter had just lost his resolve to not attempt to hunt down Jake and Neal when there was a rhythmic knocking at the door. Racing over Peter unlocked and opened the door before he realized that he should have at least attempted to check for a trap. Relief washed over him to find Neal standing in the doorway on his own two feet. He looked liked he'd picked a fight with an entire bar and lost, but he'd looked that way for days and it was getting increasingly difficult for Peter to keep track of which wounds were accounted for and which ones were new.
Neal had an understandably anxious expression when Peter first opened the door but much to Peter's surprise when Neal caught sight of him his face brightened with a genuine smile. Not expecting to find Neal in anything that even remotely resembled high spirits the disconnect between Peter's expectations and reality caused him to instantly mistrust what he was seeing and fear the worst. Already off balance mentally Peter found himself completely frozen in shock when Neal stepped up to him and threw his arms around him in a warm embrace even though he had done the exact same thing to Neal the last time they were separated. Peter knew Neal was not typically one to display affection this way, at least not towards him, and rather than being comforted by it concerned him further. Neal didn't hold on to him long and when he took a step back Peter studied his blue eyes to see if one of the pupils was dilated more than the other, but they seemed normal.
"Thank you, Peter." Neal said warmly.
"For what?"
"Everything."
"Jake hit you on the head, didn't he?" Peter asked critically.
"No, well, yes," Neal corrected "but that's not what this is about."
"What is it about?"
"I'll tell you along the way."
"The way?" Peter repeated still trying to regain his footing.
"I thought we'd test out that door past the corpses together." Neal suggested cheerfully.
"Actually," Peter furrowed his brow at the coincidence "that was exactly what I was going to suggest. Depending on which way the door is hinged we might be able to break…"
"I have a better idea." Neal interrupted.
Reaching into his pocket Neal beamed proudly as he held up the ring of mismatched keys that he had lifted from Jake. Seeing the keys Peter's heart lept hopefully, he knew there might be severe consequences to Neal's little heist if the keys turned out to be a dead end but it was worth the risk at this point. Peter wasn't sure what had happened with Jake, but it was more than he could have hoped for that Neal had returned more himself than he'd been in weeks. Peter needed Neal's blind optimists and 'leaping before looking' ways more than ever before right now. Before he even realized what he was doing Peter dragged Neal into a bear hug. Neal chuckled as he tried and failed to escape the sudden affection. Peter laughed at Neal's protest as he released him.
"Thank you, Neal."
"For the keys? Good, because I was a little worried that you'd be upse..."
"No, for everything."
