"I'm sorry" Alex muttered against his chest, having exhausted herself crying all she wanted to do was sleep. She couldn't though, ever again, her baby needed her and she had to be awake in case anything happened. Ryan had known it was coming but he still felt insanely angry to hear the words, she had nothing to be sorry for.

"Don't say that" He replied, sounding far harsher than he intended.

"I am. I am so sorry" She argued, taking his words as a denial of what she'd said. Of course he hated her, it was only fair given what she'd done to their baby. With this realisation came the need to distance herself, he was only holding her because he felt sorry for her.

"No. Alex…please" He requested, groaning in frustration. Why did she have to do this every time something bad happened? She seemed to think she was somehow meant to be in control of everything at all times. It wasn't humanly possible and she needed to accept that. If she could have changed things he had no doubt she would have, but she couldn't. Nobody could have.

"Please what?" She questioned, unable to work out what he was trying to say.

"Stop blaming yourself, you didn't do this. Even the doctor who vaccinated him didn't do this. It was completely random. There's no need for blame anyway, he's okay. He's going to be okay" He reasoned, looking across at Asher quickly, he couldn't do it for more than a few seconds without feeling sick.

"Mmm" Alex agreed softly, moving to the edge of the hospital crib, cage-like when the sides were raised but given Asher's unconscious state there was no need for them to be. Alex didn't want to think about it, preferring to let her mind wander as she stared down at Asher. His little arms were both wrapped with bandages, holding the cannula in place, so Alex grasped his little foot. Smiling when it was warm and soft just the way it was supposed to be. The room was silent for a very long time, Alex watched Asher while Ryan watched the heart rate monitor.

"Good Evening" Doctor Willson greeted as he entered the room, introducing himself before shaking Ryan's hand. The two doctors that had followed him into the room then introduced themselves.

"Doctor Blackwell" The third man added softly, more interested in looking at Asher than speaking with his parents.

"We thought we'd come have a word about Asher, let you know what we're doing and to talk about possible outcomes" Doctor Willson explained gently. It wasn't what Alex and Ryan were expecting to hear, 'outcomes' didn't sound particularly positive.

"Okay" Alex nodded, letting go of Asher's foot as she turned to look at the doctors.

"Alright. Asher is stable and we expect his health to improve steadily from here. We're assisting him breathing at the moment and managing his heart rate and blood pressure. Over the next few hours as the sedation wears off we'll reduce the amount of medication and hopefully get him breathing on his own. Best case scenario is that he is fine without intervention, and we just monitor him carefully for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Worst case would be continuing the medical intervention and giving him time to recover" Doctor Willson explained as Doctor Blackwell familiarized himself with Asher's chart.

"How much time?" Alex questioned, she knew it was the worst case scenario but she needed to prepare herself. There was nothing she could do but gather information.

"As long as it takes. Essentially his body was so shocked by the vaccinations that it shut down, completely. He needs to perform some systems checks and reboot, the time that takes is dependent on him, a few days at most" He answered using the computer metaphor because he knew they would understand.

"But after that he'll be fine?" Ryan asked, hope evident in his voice.

"We will have to assess him for brain damage. His brain was without oxygen for some time, we don't know how long and he might be perfectly fine" He paused to work out what to say next but Alex spoke before he could.

"She might not." It was a sobering thought.

"What does that mean for him?" Ryan demanded, trying to ignore his wife.

"Depends on the extent of the damage, slowed development, learning difficulties… he stands a very good chance of a full recovery, CPR was commenced immediately and he's young. Both those things are working in his favour. Don't worry about that now though, we need to get him breathing first" He replied seriously, as a doctor he couldn't give definitive answers but if Asher had inherited his mother's fighting spirit he had no doubt he would be absolutely fine.

"The nurse will be assessing his vitals every half hour, he should regain consciousness in the next hour at which point we will work on getting rid of the breathing tube. Keep an eye on him and press the call button when he starts to wake" Doctor Blackwell instructed flatly after pressing buttons on the machine helping him breathe.

"Okay" Alex nodded, turning back to watch Asher.

"Is there anything else we can do?" Ryan asked, feeling quite useless. He hadn't been there to help when Asher had stopped breathing and he couldn't have helped get him to hospital. He needed there to be something he could do.

"No, he just needs time" Doctor Blackwell answered on his way out of the room. Alex much preferred Doctor Willson even if he wasn't the most specialized, even if he didn't really he at least appeared to care about Asher.

"You've already done everything you can, he's in the right place. You just need to be patient" Doctor Willson comforted.

"Thank you" Alex said with the biggest smile she could muster.

"You're the reason he's still alive. He's going to be okay" Doctor Willson assured firmly, though it definitely overstepped the mark. There were no guarantees in medicine. Alex looked like she needed to hear it and Ryan's eyes brightened at the certainty he conveyed. They all watched Asher for a few moments, willing him to get better faster, Ryan finally taking in the wires and tubes keeping his precious little boy alive. He knew he had to be strong for his family but if he'd been alone nothing could have stopped the tears he was working so hard to blink away. "I'll be back in an hour or so. If you need to contact me I'll be down in the ED. The cafeteria is down one floor, at the front of the building, they're open all night for coffee and sandwiches" Doctor Willson farewelled, it was clear they weren't going anywhere.

"Thanks. For everything" Ryan croaked, the doctor nodded then turned and left.

Walking out of the room to catch his breath and compose himself Ryan stood outside in the hallway. He had no idea why Luca was at hospital but he was grateful that he was there to occupy Phoebe for the time being. He took out his cellphone and called his sister, might not have been the best option but right now Nadia is the closest relative who would come over. His mother and mother in law he will deal wit later, at first he needed some support. Even through they are not on speaking terms that is petty things, the life of his son is way more precious that his pride.

"I hope its okay… I called Nadia. She said she'd get here as soon as she could " Ryan relayed carefully.

Alex didn't say anything she just sniffed and nodded her head while keeping an eye on her son.

Once Nadia was there in record time, Alex had looked around to identify the voice but then her focus had returned to the baby again, each rise and fall of his little chest calming his mother a little more. There were now four adults and two little ones in the small room, it was starting to feel crowded. Nadia and Luca didn't know what to say, when Ryan had called he'd explained that Asher had had an allergic reaction. They had no idea it would be so very serious, seeing him like that was a shock and they both stood staring.

"He's going to be okay" Ryan explained when the sound of so many people breathing started to get to him.

"You can't say that" Alex argued, turning on him so suddenly that Phoebe started to stir, the sharp movement startling her from her sleep.

"Don't" Ryan warned seriously. Luca and Nadia didn't know what to make of the terse exchange, looking at each other questioningly.

"Mama?" Phoebe asked after a moment, looking up at the familiar face.

"I've got you beautiful" Alex confirmed softly, watching as Phoebe sat up in her arms, balling her fists to rub at her eyes. Clearing them before looking around the room, the people she knew but everything else was strange.

"Mama, Ashie!" Phoebe squeaked when she got a proper look at her brother, twisting around to do so. Her mother had taught her that part of her job as a big sister was making sure Asher didn't put things in her mouth.

"He's alright, he's just sick and the doctors need all that stuff to make him better" Alex explained quickly.

"I hungry" Phoebe complained after processing the information, as if on cue her stomach rumbled.

"I'll take her to get some food" Luca volunteered immediately. He wasn't sure he could bear being in the room another minute, and Nadia was silently cursing him because she wanted to go out to get food but was now stuck in the awkwardness and the unspoken words there is between her, her brother and her sister in law.

"Do you want to go with Lukie? He'll get you food" Alex questioned, she'd put the toddler through enough and wouldn't blame her for any separation anxiety following her afternoon adventure. If that meant she had to leave Asher to get Phoebe food she would.

"Lukie, we back?" Phoebe questioned, looking from Luca to her mother.

"Yeah you can come back when you've had something to eat" Alex answered, handing Phoebe over to Luca, feeling the loss of her warm little body acutely.

"Do you want anything?" Luca asked, while he was eager to get out of there he knew none of the others wanted to be their either. Alex and Ryan shook their heads, Nadia asked for coffee.

"So what's actually going on? Is he going to be okay?" Nadia demanded as soon as they were gone.

"Yes" Ryan answered, pulling the crisp white hospital blanket higher up Asher's bare chest.

"Maybe" Alex corrected, maybe he couldn't comprehend how serious it was because he hadn't seen Asher blue and lifeless. He had already died twice that day and Alex couldn't be convinced it wasn't going to happen again.

"The doctors say he's going to be okay, it's just a matter of time before he's off the machines and drugs" Ryan explained for Nadia, increasingly annoyed at Alex's pessimism.

"They also said he could be brain damaged" Alex added. She didn't want to think of her baby as anything less than perfect even if the lack of oxygen had damaged his brain but it wasn't something that could be ignored.

"Could Alex. Could. Not would, not will be! Nothing is certain!" Ryan argued angrily, losing the battle not to raise his voice.

"He might not be okay. You just have to know that" She reasoned, grabbing his arm and forcing him to make eye contact. Tears blurred her vision but she didn't look away, she couldn't let him keep believing everything was going to be alright. It would only hurt him more when Asher wasn't the same baby he had been.

"Just try to think positively" He encouraged.

"That's not going to change anything!" She almost yelled, if thinking could make anything better they wouldn't be standing in a hospital.

"Stop. Both of you" Nadia ordered, reminding them that they weren't alone. "Can't people in comas hear you? Do you really want Asher listening to this?" She questioned seriously.

"He's not in a coma" Alex informed blankly.

"You know what I mean. Arguing about whether or not he's got brain damage doesn't help. Right now you're both being selfish! You need to be thinking about Asher and each other, this isn't fun for anyone. We all want him to be okay" Nadia rationalised, doubting their relationship for the first time.

"I'm being selfish?" Alex laughed coldly, feeling almost betrayed by her sister in law's harsh words. Talk about another slap in the face with words this time, as opposed to the physical one. She set her jaw and waited for her to apologise, she had absolutely no right, not after she'd done everything humanly possible to save Asher. Not when she was just trying to protect Ryan from the horrible disappointment of their baby being less than perfect. That wasn't selfish. Or was it? Deep down she knew what was motivating her words, she needed Ryan to hate her because she hated herself for letting it happen. She had done this, she had killed their baby and abandoned their little boy. Even if everything was okay now she still couldn't shift the guilt and that was selfish. "I'm being selfish" She gasped, pressing her hand to her mouth, more guilt. Ryan grabbed her as she wobbled, holding her tightly as she cried silently, hand still covering her mouth.

"I'm sorry " Nadia mumbled, resting a hand on Alex's back to comfort her. She couldn't help but smile softly to herself, he didn't even know it but little Asher was so very loved that the people who loved her were hurting so badly they had started to hurt each other.

"Bud" She uttered, stumbling towards the baby. Leaning heavily on the bed as she lay a hand on the baby, feeling his warmth, the rise and fall of his chest and his faint heart beat through the blanket.

"He's okay" Ryan assured gently, coming up behind her, placing a hand on her arm.

"He's going to be okay" Alex said determinedly, looking at Ryan so he knew she meant it then leaning down to kiss her baby. It was a dreadful shock then when she opened her eyes to see Asher's blue ones staring back at her. A small squeak escaped her as she thought about what to do, reaching for the call button at the head of the crib. It wasn't called the intensive care unit for nothing, doctors and nurses flooded the room almost the second she released the button. Thankfully since Asher was suddenly fully conscious, crying silently and grasping desperately through the blanket. "It's okay, it's okay baby" Alex tried to comfort as the doctor held his chin firmly to keep Asher still.

"Ah…good boy" Doctor Blackwell smiled as he watched him carefully.

"What?" Alex questioned desperately, Asher seemed to be struggling horribly but he was pleased, she didn't like him but this seemed far too cruel.

"He's fighting the ventilator, breathing for himself" He summarised, working with a nurse to remove the tube, Asher choking, spluttering and gagging against it. They continued to watch intently as he took his first unassisted breaths, gasping and crying feebly, still unable to make noise. "This is the best case scenario Doctor Willson explained, the sedation has worn off, smooth extubation and he's breathing" Doctor Blackwell smiled.

"Thank you, thank you so much" Alex managed, crying and laughing at the same time, cupping Asher's cheek as he wailed soundlessly.

"Nurse Grayson will stay for a little while to keep an eye on him" The doctor added before leaving the room. Alex didn't know where all the other doctors and nurses had gone but she didn't care. Her baby was okay.

"Can I hold her?" Alex asked the nurse hopefully.

"Yeah, just don't be alarmed if the monitor goes, you'll probably twist some of the leads" Nurse Grayson cautioned. Mindful of the two IV lines and the countless wires stuck Asher's chest Alex lifted him carefully. The last time she held him was very different. Nothing in the world could beat the bliss she felt to have her baby squirming in her arms again. Ryan held Alex from behind, his long arms extending around to hold Asher as well. Nadia gave them a moment alone and walked out of the room standing outside in the corridor.

Alex felt greedy for wanting a smile but it appeared Ryan did too, pulling faces and tickling Asher gently until he could no longer resist. Big blue eyes twinkling as his cheeks rose, the corners of his mouth turning up as he gave the widest smile they had ever seen. Watching Asher and keeping him smiling distracted them from the departure of Nurse Grayson and Nadia and the arrival of Luca and Phoebe. Thrilled to see Asher awake, Phoebe was particularly relieved now that the tube was gone, pressing kisses across her little brother's face before asking to hold him.

"Okay, just for a minute" Alex agreed, waiting until Phoebe sat nicely before settling Asher in her arms. The alarm on the heart rate monitor beeped but Alex quickly found the problem, reattaching the lead and straightening it. Then she stopped for a moment and stood back. For a painfully long time she had questioned whether this would ever be able to happen again, her two children happy and healthy.

I'm sorry I know it's been a while but I have been busy and I have lost a loved one that we had a funeral of Saturday past. This chapter is all over the place but I wanted to wrap it all up and get them back to their normal lives. I feel like I have lost track of how old Asher is supposed to be with all that I have written in this chapter but I will try and sort it out as soon as I possibly can and clear out any confusion. I hope all of you are still out there reading and that you are still following the story.

Lovies-S