Chapter Forty-one
With his arms wrapped over his stomach Peter couldn't decide if the sharp pain was psychosomatic from waking up and finding Neal gone or if it was internal bleeding from several shots to the gut he'd received from Sawyer. Praying that he wasn't actively dying Peter ground his teeth together before allowing himself a keen wail of pain. He would have never dreamed of vocalizing his pain to such a degree if he had any kind of audience but in the isolation of the concrete room the noise helped him find some relief.
With the senseless act of crying out alleviating some of the physical pain Peter decided the source must be stress and not injury. The realization helped settle his stomach further but didn't remove the ache completely. There was still the very real danger that Neal wasn't coming back and as far as Peter was concerned he would prefer to be bleeding out than learning that Neal had been killed in a fight that by all rights he should be fighting himself.
The more time passed the harder it was becoming for Peter to not assume that the worst had happened. Beyond the obvious tragedy of Neal's death Peter found himself obsessing more over the thought that he hadn't been there for Neal at the end. The idea of him dying alone was an unbearable insult added to injury that was launching Peter right past the denial stage of grief directly to anger. Rationally he knew he should be directing that anger at York but not having ever even seen his face Peter was more focused on Jake since he was the more tangible enemy.
Starting to see red Peter got to his feet to pace. Standing up he heard the sharp tinking sound of metal striking stone. Looking down he found the key that Neal had taken from Jake's key ring. Despite his confidence that he could some how wear the key down to fit the lock Neal had yet to start on it. Peter never had much faith in the key helping and without Neal he knew it had no chance. However he still picked it up and slipped it into his pocket as a reminder of a fleeting moment of hope if nothing else. Pacing like a caged lion Peter grew increasingly agitated as his anxiety and rage competed for his attention.
When Peter heard a key grating in the worn lock of his room the acid sting of bile instantly lept to the back of his throat. As much as he wanted Neal to still be alive he had all but convinced himself that he wasn't and that this was Jake coming with that news or even worse coming to try and force him into taking Neal's body down the hall to lay next to Miller and the others. Holding his breath Peter had no idea exactly how he was going to react if Jake was alone. At the moment he was leaning towards violence he just wasn't sure how far he would take it. Peter feared that if Jake opened the door without Neal that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from murdering their tormentor in cold blood. He wasn't even convinced that he should try to stop himself.
Peter's blood pressure had been so elevated by stress that when the door did open and revealed Neal was with Jake Peter came dangerously close to passing out from the sheer relief. Forcing himself to keep conscious Peter stepped forward only to pause when he noticed both men were dripping wet. Neal glanced up at Peter but quickly looked away. His wet skin was a deathly pale and the cut at his temple showed evidence of being recently reopened, he looked nearly dead on his feet but he didn't seem like he'd just come from the ring. Jake avoided looking at Peter entirely as he went to put his hand on Neal's shoulder but thought better of it.
The pair's dark somber mood spoke of some shared trauma that had significantly changed their dynamic. Peter couldn't even begin to guess what had happened but it had shattered Jake's casual aggressive veneer. Jake's pathological need to appear confident and in control was gone for the moment, but at the same time so was light in Neal's eyes. Between Jake having his tail tucked between his legs and the hollowness in Neal's expression Peter didn't know how best to react.
"Fight's in two days." Jake told Neal quietly with a note of apology in his scratchy voice.
Neal acknowledged the warning with a weary nod and stepped into the room. Jake finally looked up at Peter with forlorn expression like he was seeking an invitation to stay, but when Peter didn't immediately offer one he turned away. Closing the door he locked it from the outside keeping them from being able to roam the halls. Concerned by Jake's change in behavior but more worried about Neal Peter stepped up to him.
"Neal?"
Looking like he could pass out at any second Neal was still alarmingly avoiding eye contact. He tried several times to try and start telling his story but failed to find even the faintest whisper of his voice. More than wanting to know what happened Peter just wanted Neal to look up at him, sensing that Neal wasn't doing so in order to try and keep from breaking down. Feeling that a bit of catharsis was exactly what Neal needed Peter put his hand under Neal's jaw and gently tilted his head back. Reluctantly agreeing to eye contact Neal still tried to keep his emotions at bay even as his eyes brightened with tears.
Peter flashed him a warm empathetic smile to let Neal know it was okay to cry. Once a single tear escaped the entire dam crumbled as Neal leaned forward against Peter's chest and gave in to the torrent of emotion. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and held him without bothering him with any empty lies such as 'everything's going to be okay'. Rather than actively trying to calm him Peter offered him solace by giving him a safe place to work though whatever had just happened to him with a healthy release. Closing his eyes Peter allowed a few tears to silently slip down his own cheeks.
Eventually Neal's heartbreaking tears were reduced to him shuddering to catch his breath. Still keeping him in a warm embrace Peter allowed a comfortable silence settle over them as Neal calmed. Appreciating Peter's quiet support Neal leaned heavily against him needing the assistance both physically and mentally to stay on his feet. Peter was about to suggest that they sit down when Neal whispered something that Peter decided that he must have heard wrong.
"I'm sorry, did you…did you just say that Jake tried to drown you?" Peter asked in horror. "I thought he had taken you to the ring to fight in my place."
"No. Jake entered that fight for you."
"And then tried to kill you?" Peter asked not understanding the sequence of events.
"You were right, he's branded, and because of what happened with Sawyer York branded him again, it's broken him beyond his usual insanity, he thought if he killed me that you'd kill him, but I…I came so close to…"
"Easy, Neal. Slow down." Peter advised as Neal started to shake. "I don't care about Jake right now, we need to focus on you."
Lacking the energy to lie about being okay Neal closed his eyes and bowed his head in exhaustion. After giving Neal a second to collect himself Peter pulled him away from the door and helped him over to the large wool blanket. Sitting Neal down Peter went into the bathroom to retrieve the two stained but dry towels for Neal. When he returned Neal was in obvious distress. Pressing his hand into his chest in pain Neal stared up at Peter fearfully.
"Peter…I can't…I can't breathe…"
Joining Neal on the blanket Peter didn't need to touch his throat to know Neal's pulse was pounding, he could see the artery below his skin fluttering like a hummingbird's wing as Neal fought harder to get air. Neal's shallow quick breathing was made all the more alarming by a sudden coughing fit that resulted in a pink tinged froth. Peter wiped the tainted drool off Neal's lips and rubbed it on one of the already red marked towels before Neal had a chance to see the blood. Peter didn't want him being alarmed by the dangerous sign of secondary drowning.
"It's a panic attack." Peter lied. "You'll be okay, just try to relax."
"Okay." Neal nodded trusting Peter's diagnosis.
Still gulping for air Neal tried and failed to calm himself. Feeling helpless Peter put his hand on Neal's shoulder and did his best to hide his own anxiety that was churning his already tumultuous stomach. He knew that in cases of a near drowning it was possible for the lungs to fill with edemous fluid even hours afterward. What Peter didn't know was what kind of survival rate could be expected when there wasn't any way to get proper medical treatment. Grimacing in rising pain Neal revealed crimson on his teeth in an amount that gave Peter another thought about its possible source.
"Neal, did you bite your tongue?"
Unable to answer verbally Neal nodded as he spat more blood. Peter relaxed slightly hopeful that much like is own previous pain that Neal's reaction was stressed induced from the recent trauma and not his lungs becoming lethally congested. Neal's lips weren't turning blue which was also a positive sign. Just to be sure Peter leaned forward to put his ear to Neal's chest. Tilting his head back trustingly Neal allowed Peter to listen to his lungs. Pressed against Neal's chest at first all Peter could hear was the pounding of his heart, but after a moment of contact Neal's heart started to settle down.
"All clear." Peter assured.
"Thank you." Neal manged a slight smile even though he was still struggling.
Peter knew Neal wasn't out of danger yet but he was relieved not to hear any obvious crackling or wheezing. In any case the best Peter could do for Neal right now was make him comfortable. Taking the towels Peter helped Neal get at least somewhat dry, luckily the wool blanket was warm wet or cold unlike cotton. Backing himself against the wall that gave off a slight heat Peter invited Neal to lean against him. Although visibly nervous and restless Neal accepted the offer. With Neal shivering slightly Peter pulled the edge of the blanket up and over him. Peter hoped that once he was warm that Neal would manage to relax but Peter could feel his muscles pulled tight as he continued to pant heavily. Fearing that putting his arms around Neal would just make him feel more claustrophobic Peter rested his hands lightly on Neal's sides just above his hips. Peter winced at how prominent Neal's hips had become. At no point had Jake allowed them to run out of food, but at the same time what was provided wasn't particularly nutritious and neither one of them had much of an appetite either.
Neal leaned his head back against Peter's shoulder as he continued to labor for each breath. Closing his eyes Peter leaned his cheek against the top of Neal's head and tried to silently will him to calm down by attempting to do so himself. To Peter's surprise Neal did start to breathe easier. However just as he appeared to be falling asleep Neal jerked violently with a sharp gasp. Peter automatically wrapped his arms around Neal's waist causing him to cry out in terror.
Peter instantly released his hold on Neal when he reacted negatively to the increased contact but it was too late. Fully panicked Neal fought with the blanket ending up tangling himself in it in his efforts to get up. Failing to sit up Neal was forced to lay back against Peter once again and whimpered fearfully as his near death experience and fatigue stole his sense of security.
"It's okay, Neal, I'm here."
"Peter, promise me…" Neal had to pause to catch his breath "promise you won't give up on me."
"Neal," Peter said warmly "if I was ever going to give up on you it would have happened by now."
"I need to know that I'm not going to die at your hand."
"What?" Peter asked taken by surprise. He had assumed Neal had been speaking more figuratively than literal. "Neal…"
"Don't give up on me in some misplaced act of mercy." Neal whispered in a begging tone. "Help me fight to the last breath…promise me that you won't take it from me."
Peter fell silent for a moment out of sheer guilt. He had never planed on admitting it to Neal, but he had already spent some time contemplating if he had what it took to murder him 'for his own good'. Even though he knew he'd never have an answer until he was faced with the decision Peter had hoped that he would find himself capable if the situation was dire enough. He didn't want his own cowardice to allow Neal to pointlessly suffer, but now that the idea was out in the open it changed everything.
"Peter?" Neal asked anxiously.
"I promise." Peter said solemnly. "No matter what happens; you'll always be safe with me."
Content that he had Peter's word Neal relaxed noticeably. His breathing was still painfully labored but he lost the fearful tension in his muscles knowing that he wasn't going to be assaulted out of compassion. Even if Neal's lungs were in trouble Peter hadn't been any where near making that drastic of a move just yet, but he guessed that Jake had probably used the guise of mercy during the attempted drowning. It burdened Peter's heart that their pact had regressed from promising to escape together to promising not to murder one another, but at the same time it helped to have a clear plan for whatever the future brought.
Trying to assure Neal that he was safe with him Peter reached up and ran his finger through the tangle of Neal's damp hair. Leaning into the contact Neal closed his eyes and sighed in relative contentment. Seeing that Neal reacted well to his touch Peter wrapped his other arm loosely around Neal's waist to keep from interfering with his breathing. Neal sought out Peter's hand and held it with a quick tight squeeze of gratitude. Keeping Peter's hand in his own Neal started to truly settle in despite the difficulty breathing. Peter stated taking slower more deliberate breaths himself hoping that Neal might start to mimic the gentle rise and fall.
Slowly Neal started to truly recover from his violent brush with death. It helped Peter relax when Neal managed to draw a deep breath as he yawned, proving that his lungs were doing their job. Peter had been trying to hide his stress before but with the close contact it was impossible to keep that negative energy from rubbing off on Neal. No longer as concerned with Neal's respiratory status Peter was able to calm his own racing heart which in turn soothed Neal's. Peter kept his fingers brushing through Neal's hair hoping to help him fall asleep but every time he came close he would tense up again.
"You're safe, Neal, I'll keep watch."
"I know, I just…" Neal paused unable to collect this jumbled thoughts. "I can't…I can't stop thinking about…"
"We can talk about it if you want to." Peter encouraged when Neal fell silent.
"I…I almost killed Jake." Neal admitted in a guilty tone. "We were fighting in the bath tub and I ended up on top and I held him down."
"You were just trying to protect yourself."
"That's not what's bothering me. I don't know. I've just never had anyone look at me with such terror in their eyes…for a moment…I…"
"You enjoyed it." Peter finished for him.
"He's made me feel so helpless that having the upper hand felt…" Neal stopped unable to finish the dark thought. "I couldn't go through with it, but part of me wanted to."
"It's okay, Neal. The important thing is that you didn't abuse your sudden advantage to kill. You made the choice to release him."
"I did."
"That says far about your character than a fleeting feeling that is completely understandable considering he has spent the last month doing everything he can to make you feel powerless."
"I know, but I can't help thinking that if I was down here alone like he is that I would turn out just like him."
"You're not alone." Peter reminded Neal as he held him tighter. "This is what's really keeping you awake, isn't it? You're worried about Jake."
"I am." Neal sighed as if it frustrated him. "York has twisted and broken him, he must have been down here for years, I don't think he eve really remembers what the sky looks like. It's amazing that he has any shred of humanity left in him, but he does, I've seen it."
"So have I." Peter agreed.
"I know this is going to sound a completely insane considering he just tried to kill me, but I want to help him."
"It doesn't sound insane at all, Neal." Peter smiled. "In fact it's just the opposite."
With his conscious more clear Neal started to drift back to sleep. Peter kept a careful watch over Neal with a comforting embrace until he finally slipped into a deeper sleep where he could get some actual rest. Once Neal was twitching slightly in REM Peter relaxed a bit. Looking over at the door Peter took a moment to try and process everything Neal had told him.
As much as Peter admired and even shared some of Neal's empathy towards Jake he couldn't just dismiss what he had done to Miller and the others that hadn't been lucky enough to charm Jake the way Neal had. Jake was a wounded animal and as such he was dangerous and needed to be treated as such. It would only take one slip in Jake's erratic temper to end everything in disaster.
"I want to help you, Jake, but only as long as Neal is safe from you. Understood?"
"…understood, Agent."
Jake's muffled answer coming through the door didn't take Peter by surprise. He had suspected from the start that Jake wouldn't want to be alone tonight even if it meant sleeping in the hall. Curling up a little more protectively around Neal Peter didn't even consider inviting Jake inside. He meant what he said about wanting to help him as a future concept, however the idea of being face to face with the man who tried to drown his friend while the event was still so fresh was more than Peter felt he could handle at the moment. The best thing Peter could do to help Jake right now was not tempt himself with the opportunity to kill him.
