Chapter Seventy-three

Oscillating between anger and anxiety Neal paced his makeshift cell in an ever tightening pattern until he was basically just shifting his weight back and forth as he drew nearer to psychosis. He had been desperate to leave the hospital before but now it was becoming a frantic obsession as he saw it as his only release from the pain that had followed him out of the Labyrinth. The doctor had briefly returned after Peter had left to continue to try and talk him out of signing out against medical advice since he couldn't leave anyway. Wanting to be left alone Neal had physically bared his teeth at her like a junkyard dog. Hearing Neal loud and clear she had retreated. Neal knew the doctor was only trying to help, but he didn't want help right now, he wanted to go home. It didn't even occur to him that he couldn't hide so easily from his trauma, he was too fixated on being anywhere other than here.

'You should just go.' Jake purred in Neal's ear. 'You escaped Federal Prison and the Labyrinth…I bet you could walk right out of here if you tried.'

Determined to ignore the hallucination Neal weld his eyes shut even though Jake had only been auditory this time. He thought lancing the wound would fix his issues with Jake, but the infection was still in his blood and he was currently missing his IV antibiotics by being unwilling to allow the staff near him once again. Finding claustrophobia crushing in on him even just in the darkness of his own eyelids Neal snapped his eyes back open. Confronted by a very convincing illusion of Jake standing in front of him Neal jumped back. Panting for breath Neal shook his head as he took another step back towards the corner.

"Go away." Neal whispered.

'Make me.' Jake sneered.

"How?"

'Call that Doc back in here, I bet she's got something that could make me go away. Assuming you haven't alienated her the way you did with Peter.'

"That wasn't my fault…"

'Of course not. It's never your fault is it, Neal? There's always someone to blame with you, always some rationalization for your lies.' Jake put his hands on his hips the way Peter often did as he looked Neal up and down. 'Neal, has it ever occurred to you that you might be a psychopath?'

"Look who's talking!" Neal snapped.

'You, you're talking…to yourself.' Jake pointed out seriously.

"Go away."

'Think about it, you check a lot of the boxes: charming, easily bored, conning, impulsive, an impressive criminal resume, a callous lack of empathy…'

"I do not lack empathy." Neal said defensively unable to deny the rest of the list.

'Really?' Jake asked doubtfully. 'Comparing Peter to York? That was ice cold, Neal, arctic. You couldn't have hurt him more if you'd lashed out and struck him in the throat.'

"I didn't mea…"

'And do you feel guilty for saying it or are you angry?'

"I just want to go home." Neal whimpered.

'That's not the point. Peter was a messenger and you shot him in the chest.'

"No, no, he's more than a messenger." Neal shook his head angrily. "He doesn't trust me."

'He doesn't trust you with his wallet…but he trusts you with his life. He's killed for you and how have you repaid him? By pushing him away when he needs you most.'

Proving Jake's theory about being a psychopath wrong Neal's stomach twisted in guilt. He knew that Peter couldn't possibly have control over how the FBI handled his sentence, but his statement had come from a deeper problem than just being held at the hospital. Gritting his teeth in renewed anger Neal narrowed his eyes at Jake causing the image of him to flicker slightly.

"Peter trusts me with his life, but he doesn't trust me with mine!"

'Then leave him.'

"I…I…" Neal hesitated the way he always did when Mozzie tried to court him away from Peter.

'You want full control over your own life? You'll never get that if you keep Peter around. I think we both know that you can't change, but Peter is incapable of it as well. He will never be able to stop trying to save you from yourself no matter what you do. How many 'second' chances has he given you? Even after you almost got his wife killed. Talk about insanity, he keeps doing the same thing with you over and over again expecting that one day you'll suddenly be more than just a con.'

"I am more." Neal countered little conviction in his voice.

'No you're not. You can't lie to me, I am you.'

Jake reached up and dragged his hands through his hair causing it darken as lengthen as he morphed into an image of Neal back before he had any of the Labyrinth scars. Neal found himself far more terrified of the vision of himself as 'he' smiled at him mischievously. Confronted by the one person he could never lie to Neal backed away from him in terror until he was up against the corner. Exhausted from stress Neal sank to the floor and pulled his knees up to his chest in hopes that his demons would take pity on him and leave him alone. Jake in his new form just stared down at Neal in disgust. Resting against the wall that separated him from Peter's room Neal knit his brow at the muffled sound of Peter being sick.

'He really is a monster for caring about what happens to us, isn't he?' Neal's mirror mocked in Jake's voice. 'How dare he never give up on us and believe in us more than anybody does...more than we believe in ourselves.'

Feeling himself being driven mad by the increasingly intense hallucination and his emotional conflict over Peter Neal curled up tighter as tears traced down his face. He wanted to let Peter help him be a better man he just wished it didn't come at the cost of always being held to an impossibly high standard that Peter at times fell short of himself. Neal didn't want a mile from Peter but he needed more than an inch. Next door Peter continued to struggle with his stomach to the point that Neal worried that he might actually be in serious trouble. Neal was about to call out for help on Peter's behalf when the retching stopped followed by a weary sigh.

Heavy hearted Neal wanted to go talk to Peter but he didn't know what he would say. He wanted to apologize but he also felt that he deserved one himself. Knowing that wasn't likely to happen Neal wasn't sure how they were going to be able to move forward after this. Miserable that he may have broken yet another meaningful relationship Neal rested his chin on his knees and stared at the floor. In the end he always managed to push everyone away or for one reason or another they simply left him. As much as he loved Kate he still questioned if she ever really felt the same. Alex had always just assumed he was using her since she was using him. He had thought for a moment that he had a real future with Sara until he'd shattered her trust with the stolen treasure that he had never really wanted in the first place but somehow couldn't let go of once he had it. Even though he had eventually come back Mozzie had abandoned him when he couldn't pick a side as well and it he still continually tried to make Neal choose. Peter more than anyone had proven he was willing to stick through the bad and continue to try to see the good in him, but that might have finally ended as well now.

The idea of losing Peter hurt all that much more after depending so heavily on him over the past few months and having managed to actually make to the other side of that nightmare because of one another. Peter had said that the Labyrinth had made the two of them family and Neal knew that Peter had meant that at the time, but he wondered if it could ever really be realistic for them to be brothers. The Labyrinth had stripped away the power imbalance between them allowing them to just be there for one another, but now that they were back on the surface it felt like they had returned to their respective worlds along with all the conflict that caused.

With his mood spiraling downward and his anxiety peaking Neal was starting to consider calling for the doctor to ask for a sedative. If he couldn't escape his pain physically it might be worthwhile to take a break from it mentally for a while by seeking solace in pharmaceuticals. Neal knew that his addictive personality made taking medication to dull his senses a slippery slope, but he wasn't sure he cared anymore. Still undecided about what to do Neal jerked hard enough to slam the back of his head into the wall when a alarming tone went off instantaneously followed by a flurry of activity out in the hall.

"Get the crash cart!" Dr. Azarov's barked above the general commotion.

Neal's heart slammed against his chest hard enough for him to worry for a split second that he might need that crash cart himself. Neal's thoughts instantly went to Peter having snapped his recently mended ribs while vomiting and somehow sending him into cardiac arrest. Scrambling to his feet Neal tripped in his rush to get the door and crashed to the floor. His fall was accompanied by a sharp pain in his side where Liam had lanced the abscess. Ignoring the wet feeling that soaked his scrubs Neal fought to get back to his feet. His tortured and strained body wasn't responding well now that he was adding panic to the mix.

Getting to the doorway he had to hold onto it to keep from falling again as nausea washed over him. The hallway consisted of two distinct brands of chaos. There was the organized professional rush of the staff members, and then there was the helpless concern of the three Agents trying to figure out what was happen while also trying to make sure they stayed out of the way. Agent Walsh was in a particularly wound up state as he paced side to side a few steps in anxious agitation.

"No, no, please, please tell me I didn't kill him." Walsh muttered to himself. "Please…"

Stepping out in to the hall in almost a dazed shock Neal just watched the scene, unable to process the worst case scenario that might be currently unfolding. As much as Neal complained about Peter's expectations of him being to high he was also the only one who ever even considered that Neal could do better, not to mention one of the few people in his life who truly cared if he lived or died. Unable to even think about what he would do if Peter died Neal was stuck on the thought of his last words to him. His delusion of Jake had been right, he couldn't have hurt Peter more with physical violence. The way he had backed away in silent defeat had just been the tip of the iceberg of his emotional reaction the cruel comparison to the demon that had held them prisoner. Wrapped up in his own fear he had neglected to consider Peter's side. After everything they had been through recently it couldn't have been easy to have to be the one to remind Neal that he wasn't free yet. Looking back on it Neal realized he hadn't even let Peter get a word in edge wise to defend himself or even to offer any solutions before labeling him as the source of his problems. With Peter's emotional stress leading to him being physically ill Neal could only stand by and hope that his momentary loss of temper didn't cost Peter his life.

"…I'm sorry."

'Neal,' Jake whispered urgently 'Neal, what he hell are you moping about for? Now's your chance!

Yelping at the sudden return of his deranged subconscious representation of Jake Neal whirled around to face him angrily. Turning around Neal didn't see Jake, but what he did see was the unguarded door leading out of the CCU. Jake appeared near the door and looked at Neal expectantly. With Peter having a medical crisis everyone's attention was focused on him, including that of his fellow Agents.

'Now or never, Neal.'

"Never."