Chapter Seventy-six
Trying to concentrate on remaining calm Peter couldn't help fighting against the drugs in his system. He had tried laying down but it had just made it harder to breathe so he'd brought the head of the bed up to relieve the pressure on his chest. He knew the medication was just doing its job but the loopy loss of control feeling he was getting from the fast acting anti-anxiety medication was far too reminiscent of the sensation he'd woken up to in the Labyrinth from the Rohypnol. If he had known from the start that he was just panicking he wouldn't have called for help, but the chest pain had been so intense he had sworn something was deadly wrong. The doctor had kept telling him to stop saying 'just a panic attack' as she tried to convince him that the anxiety was just as a legitimate reason to seek help as a physical problem.
Sitting up in bed struggling to surrender to the calming effect of the Ativan Peter silently chastised himself for not being stronger in the first place. He had forgiven himself for the episodes of panic he'd suffered in the Labyrinth due to the conditions, but now that he was out he knew he had to do better. Neal and Elizabeth were dealing with enough he couldn't add having to worry about him to their stressors. Shaking his head to try and clear it Peter deeply regretted agreeing to what had been advertised by the doctor as a 'mild sedative'.
Peter reached up and rubbed at his chest over his heart that still felt like it wanted to race even though it was being chemically forced into a steady rhythm. He had completely lost track of time but it was starting to feel like it had been hours since Elizabeth left. Looking around the empty room Peter told himself there were any number of perfectly innocent reasons why Elizabeth was taking so long to return. The one reason that suddenly struck him was the fact that he had no idea how far he was from their home. He was only realizing now that he didn't know which hospital he was in or even what floor the CCU was on. Peter hadn't known where he was for so long that he hadn't even thought to ask.
Swallowing hard Peter forced himself to continue to wait. He didn't want to call to make sure she was okay because he didn't want her thinking that she had to be at his side twenty-four/seven. Outwardly Peter managed to stay still but inside his mounting anxiety was clashing against the medication and was tearing him apart. With his pulse starting to pound in his ears as his body's stress hormones won the battle against the pharmaceuticals and Peter became increasingly restless. Still determined to just wait it out Peter couldn't help the audible sigh of relief when Elizabeth suddenly appeared at the door. Smiling brightly he strove to hide the distress he'd been in, unsure if the doctor had talked to her about the incident already.
"Hey, Hon, how's Satch…"
Peter didn't get a chance to finish his inquiry as Satchmo yanked his leash away from Elizabeth as he bolted into this room. With his claws clattering for traction on the smooth CCU room floor the Lab raced over to the bed. Far too excited to even pretend to remember his training or manners Satchmo bounded up on the bed with all the grace of a bird in flight. Momentarily knocked breathless by the 70 pounds of exuberance landing in his lap Peter instantly lost the anxiety that had been threatening his sanity only seconds ago. Catching his breath Peter laughed as Satchmo affectionately assaulted him with his tongue. His tail was thrashing so hard it was throwing his whole backside off balance. Peter reached up and ruffled Satchmo's soft chest fur before leaning away from the slobbery onslaught.
"Okay, okay, easy, Boy." Peter smiled as he tried unsuccessfully to calm the joyous animal. "I'm happy to see you too."
"This is a little embarrassing," Elizabeth chuckled as she stepped up to the bed "I don't think I gave you half the greeting Satchmo has."
"Only because we haven't had any real privacy." Peter teased.
"Challenge accepted." Elizabeth smiled mischievously.
Ecstatic to have his pack back together again Satchmo flopped down on the bed and rolled over to show off his stomach. Thumping his tail against the bed he lolled his tongue out of as wide toothy grin as Peter rubbed his fur. Completely content Satchmo panted heavily from the sheer exhilaration of the reunion. Smiling down at the loyal animal Peter felt that Satchmo had done far more good for him than any of the medications the doctors had given him. Finding a refuge from pain and stress Peter looked up at Elizabeth with a warm smile.
"Thank you for bringing him."
"Of course, besides we can't afford to lose any more furniture."
"Did you eat my napping couch?" Peter asked Satchmo in mock disapproval.
Thrilled to have Peter's attention Satchmo wagged harder in response to the accusation. Standing on the opposite side of the bed Elizabeth leaned over to pet Satchmo to make sure he knew he was forgiven. Peter took the opportunity of having her closer to steal a kiss. With his anxiety now truly erased the drugs in his system took the opportunity to take over as Peter nuzzled her cheek in drunken affection. Tugging on Elizabeth's arm Peter encouraged her to follow Satchmo's lead and share the small hospital bed with them. Chuckling Elizabeth slipped into the small bed as best she could. Putting one arm around each of them Peter closed his eyes and took a moment to appreciate having his family back.
Peter had not meant to fall asleep but after the stressful morning combined with the medication and the soothing warmth of Elizabeth and Satchmo he had nodded off almost immediately. Waking up from a dreamless sleep it took Peter a few seconds to realize that he wasn't home. With Satchmo and Elizabeth still flanking him it had been easy to believe that everything was back to normal. With his mind feeling clearer than it had in months Peter started wondering just how much longer he had to stay in the hospital. The questions instantly brought Neal back to the foreground of his thoughts.
Worrying about how Neal was fairing Peter furrowed his brow as he looked over into the corner and discovered that he was in the room. Propped up in the corner Neal had fallen asleep holding a small glass container in his hands that had a clear line of tubing connected to the top of it that lead to the IV in his arm. Sleeping fitfully Neal's breath caught in his chest giving Peter the impression that he was probably dreaming about being trapped underwater again. As impressed Peter was to learn how Neal had pushed his fear aside to swim to freedom he doubted that the journey had helped him overcome his new found phobia. Gasping sharply Neal twitched as he fought against an imaginary assailant.
Unable to just stand by and watch Neal becoming increasingly distressed in his sleep Peter went to wake Elizabeth only to find she was already awake. Being the middle of the day when he had invited her to join him it was possible she hadn't slept at all. With no windows in the CCU it was just as difficult for Peter to stick to any kind of circadian rhythm here as in the Labyrinth. Having slept until late afternoon it was likely that he was now going to be awake for most of the night. With Peter awake Elizabeth crawled out of the over crowed bed before leaning in to steal a kiss. It wasn't until she stood back up that she noticed Neal in the corner. Elizabeth turned to Peter with a look of silent concern.
Carefully walking around to the other side of the bed Elizabeth tugged on Satchmo's collar. The lab was reluctant to give up his spot on the bed but he did jump down after Peter gave him a little push. Taking Satchmo's leash Elizabeth leaned in to give Peter's cheek another kiss before stepping out of the room not only to take Satchmo for a walk but to give her boys some time to be alone. Peter was endlessly grateful for her understanding when it came to Neal and her faith that if she just gave them some time that they would work things about between themselves instead of feeling like she had to fix their bridges herself.
Fighting for breath Neal remained locked in a nightmare as he was tormented by the demons in his head. Getting out of bed Peter had to stand still for a minute while his blood pressure caught up with him before he was able to walk over to Neal. Sitting down on the floor Peter was a little shocked by the powerful scent of decay on Neal. The small bottle Neal was holding revealed itself to be a portable IV antibiotic container which proved that Neal was at least letting the doctors treat him even if he wasn't doing a great job keeping clean.
Neal had calmed for a moment when Peter arrived but when he started whimpering again Peter reached out and gently pushed on his arm to wake him. In the past Neal had woken relatively calmly with this method, but this time he jerked away violently striking his temple on the wall he had been leaning against. Alarmed by the sudden shift into the waking world but too tired to fight Neal just stared at Peter in terror for a second before relaxing into an expression of contrition.
"I'm sorry." Neal said quietly.
"It's okay, I'm the one who startled you."
"No." Neal shook his head. "I'm sorry for comparing you to York. That wasn't fair."
"I'm sorry for saying that a jury would never believe you. That wasn't fair either."
Neal smiled at the exchange of apologies but still looked upset. Moving in closer Peter put his shoulder against Neal's to let him know that they really didn't need to talk about the incident further, all was forgiven. Neal leaned more heavily against him for a moment to return the silent forgiveness. Although he had lost his nervous edge Neal suddenly also lost the focus in his eyes as he stared blankly at the floor. Peter gave Neal a minute to snap back to reality but he just started picking the label off the antibiotic bottle compulsively. Peter felt world's better now that they had let the water slip under the bridge, but he feared that Neal was quickly falling into depression now that he'd lost his anger.
"Neal, I will get your release from the FBI, I promise. I just need some time." Peter assured. "Once I'm back on my feet I'll have some favors to call in and no one is going to want to be the one to say 'no' to a request from an Agent on leave due to recovering from a kidnapping. Particularly not when that favor pertains to the man who saved my life."
"Thank you." Neal tried to smile but his expression was still sorrowful.
"Be patient, Neal, not just with me but with yourself as well. I know how hard it is to stay here in the hospital, I don't want to be here either. But we are both too medically unstable to leave for now."
"I know. I never would have forgiven myself if you had di…"
"I'm fine." Peter interrupted the morbid thought. "It was just stress."
"Because of me."
"No. You've stressed me plenty in the past without sending me into a panic. It was just a perfect storm of circumstances, but I don't blame you. But it would help me tremendously if you would agree to stay and get treated."
"I will, I promise. I understand that I need to be here, I just…" Neal hesitated to continue as the shadow over him darkened. "Never mind."
"I'm sorry, Neal. I know you want to go home, but…"
"It's not that." Neal sighed.
"What is it?"
"No." Neal shook his head. "I don't want to sound like Jake."
"What?"
"…I want to see the sky, Peter."
Peter's blood chilled at the hopeless desperation in Neal's voice. Having passed out once rescued by the tunnel workers Neal had woken up at the hospital and had been purposefully kept safe from the windows. Peter had experienced a brief moment of outside air when first taken from the Labyrinth but he had been blindfolded at the time. For months they had both been breathing recycled indoor air and living with the literal weight of the world hovering above them. Peter glanced up at the white hospital room ceiling with no idea how many floors were between them and sky. He had a pang of anxiety when he realized that they could easily be in a basement level and still underground.
Picking up on Peter's subtle agitation Neal became restless as well as he put the IV bottle in his lap and started to rub at the white bracelet scars around his wrists as if they still hurt. Feeling Neal starting to physically shake Peter put his arm over his shoulders and pulled him closer. Accepting the contact Neal leaned his head against Peter as he tried to relax. Peter wished he could have the same calming effect on Neal that Elizabeth provided for him but it wasn't the same. Giving in to claustrophobia as he fell deeper into dark thoughts Neal started panting again.
"Breathe Neal."
"Why is this so hard?" Neal asked miserably. "I'm more anxious now than I was in the Labyrinth. It doesn't make any sense."
"In the Labyrinth you just had to survive, now you have to live. Being safe gives you time to reflect when before you could only react."
"That's the problem, Peter, I don't feel safe. York is still out there."
"Not for long."
"You identified Walker then?" Neal asked hopefully. "The FBI arrested him?"
"I identified him." Peter confirmed. "Charges are being pressed."
"Charges? He's out on bail already isn't he?" Neal asked bitterly. "He shouldn't even be allowed to post bail. This isn't going to work, Peter, men like him…"
"We are going to get him, Neal. The FBI is tearing his world apart right now, they are not going to leave a single rock for him to hide under. Don't worry about York, that's Agent Walsh's job. You are safe, you are protected, use this time to recover. We will worry about the future when it comes."
Neal took a breath to protest but suddenly froze and pressed his back a little harder into the wall. Peter was going to ask what was wrong but he caught sight of the movement at the curtain. Neal forced himself to relax knowing in his mind that whoever at the door wasn't a danger but his instincts were still keyed into treating all motion as a threat. Dr. Azarov announced herself at the door asking for permission to come in. Peter looked to Neal who nodded.
"Come in, Doctor." Peter said.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's time to disconnect the antibiotic. I thought you'd want that off of there as soon as possible so that you can get in a shower to get the rest of that wound drainage off your skin, Mr. Caffrey."
Neal nodded but Peter noticed that he had tensed every muscle at the mention of getting wet. Peter had actually gotten used to the rotting scent until the doctor had mentioned it again, but as must stress as it would cause him Neal did need a shower. Azarov asked Neal if she could step closer and he nodded, allowing her to disconnect the IV and place a small waterproof film over the access point in his arm that stayed in place. Peter still didn't like how quiet Neal got around other people but he couldn't blame him and bringing it up now wasn't going to help. To Peter's surprise as soon as Azarov took a few steps back Neal got to his feet and headed towards the bathroom. He looked like he was walking towards the gallows but he was going on his own volition.
"Neal?"
"I'm okay." Neal lied.
Azarov gave Peter a questioning look after Neal disappeared into the small bathroom but Peter decided he didn't want to get into the details with the doctor right now. He had something else he wanted to ask. Azarov listened to his unusual request before nodding thoughtfully and replying that she wasn't sure but she would see what she could do. With the doctor gone Peter got to his feet and sat down on the couch while he waited for Neal. Neal probably thought the sound of the running water was hiding his retching but Peter could hear it loud and clear. Peter wanted to help but he wasn't sure how, the last time he'd tried Neal had ended up fainting anyway. The fact that he hadn't heard Neal fall meant that as least he was making some progress with the hydrophobia on his own.
It didn't take long for Neal to step out of the small bathroom looking a little worse for wear but at least no longer smelling like death. Breathing like he'd just run a marathon Neal was avoiding looking at Peter. He knew he was doing a terrible job of hiding how distressed the quick shower had made him. When Neal became frozen in place Peter got to his feet and stepped up to draw Neal into a comforting embrace. Appreciating the support Neal leaned against Peter and gave up on trying to keep from trembling. Closing his eyes Peter let Neal shake knowing that the best thing he could do for him right now was give him a safe place to express his weakness without judgment.
"I'm sorry." Neal whispered as he tried to keep himself from tears.
"It's okay. We are going to get you through this."
"I know I keep obsessing about catching York, but honestly the fact that Jake is still out there haunts me more. I…I can't get…I can't get him out of my head."
"Are you still hallucinating?"
"Less often, but I just saw him."
"He can't hurt you."
Neal just nodded as he took a few deep breaths. With Neal up against him Peter knew he didn't have a fever meaning that Jake was becoming a psychosis and not just a product of delirium. Peter hoped that Neal would accept some professional therapist help soon but for now he just offered him what emotional support he could. Working through the immediate trauma for the time being Neal began to calm until he felt strong enough again to stand on his own. Taking a step back Neal smiled sadly at Peter as he nodded to let him know he was relatively okay again. Peter smiled back and encouraged Neal to sit down on the couch. Sitting down Neal reached up and dragged both his hands through his damp unruly hair in an attempt to tame in.
"That's an improvement." Peter noted.
"Barely, I really need a haircut." Neal smiled ruefully.
"You do, but I was actually talking about your shoulder, you couldn't get your left arm up that high yesterday."
"Oh, right." Neal chuckled. "Elizabeth talked me into letting the doctors close and I got that steroid shot which really has helped."
"I have learned that it's usually best to listen to Elizabeth's advice." Peter chuckled.
"Where is she?"
"Taking Satchmo for a walk."
"You mean giving us some space?"
"That too."
"She's too good to me." Neal said sounding a little guilty.
"Elizabeth sees the best in everyone, it's just one of the many reasons I love her."
"You're a lucky man, Peter."
"The luckiest."
About ten minutes later Elizabeth returned with Satchmo and the lab was just as happy to see Peter this time around as he was the first. Elizabeth didn't ask any questions or even make any mention about the pair getting past their argument. Everyone was satisfied to just move past the stressful morning and enjoy the evening. The staff brought in a variety of simple foods for dinner since once again both Peter and Neal had gone most of the day without eating anything. They also brought Satchmo a bowl of kitchen scraps that he happily munched down. Peter was relieved not only to find himself hungry but that Neal had a healthy appetite as well. With Neal looking more relaxed than he had in months Peter looked over to Elizabeth and silently thanked her.
"I saw that." Neal teased the couple. "But, seriously, thank you for talking some sense into me, Elizabeth."
"You're welcome, Neal." Elizabeth smiled.
"Just make sure that sense stays in your head." Peter warned playfully.
Neal was about to retort when Dr. Azarov announced herself at the door. When she asked permission to enter Peter automatically looked to Neal for his approval to let her in.
"Come in, Doctor." Neal replied.
Peter was surprised how much weight lifted off his heart at the simple fact that Neal felt comfortable enough to answer the doctor. Neal smiled at him knowing himself that he'd taken a good step. Azarov entered with another bottle like the one Neal had been attached to earlier. Knowing what she wanted Neal held out his arm for her and she came over and attached the medication to the IV still in his arm. Azarov handed Neal the bottle and he slipped it into his pocket, letting the long tubing trail at his side.
"Thank you, Doctor." Neal said.
"You're welcome, Mr. Caffrey."
"Please call me Neal."
"How are you feeling, Neal?"
"Much better."
"Good." Azarov smiled before turning to Elizabeth. "Mrs. Burke, can I borrow your husband and Neal for a minute?"
"Uh...of course."
"We will be right back." Peter assured as he gave her a quick kiss before getting to his feet. "Come on, Neal."
"Peter, what's going on?" Neal asked nervously.
"It's okay. Trust me."
Neal still seemed a little wary but at seeing the way Peter smiled he relaxed again. Getting up he followed Peter and the doctor. Azarov looked around when she was in the hall giving Peter the feeling that they really weren't supposed to be doing this. With the only people currently in sight FBI Agents Peter took over in asking permission to leave the floor for a quick trip. The two Agents on guard gave each other a doubtful look but nodded their agreement after Peter repeated his request in the form of a personal favor.
Coming to the elevator at the end of the hall Peter found himself a little nervous to step on it, but knowing the reward was worth it he followed Azarov on. Neal remained highly suspicious but he followed Peter without question. The nervous way Neal stuck close almost made Peter decided to let him in on the surprise however the elevator ride was surprisingly short. Peter and Neal both blinked against the light in the hall, the lights in the CCU had been slowly turned up for them but fully lit hall was still a bit strong. Adjusting well enough to follow Azarov they walked down the short hall to a heavy set of double doors that were locked by a passkey sensor.
"Please don't get me fired." Azarov said at the door. "Five minutes is really all we can get away with and you have to promise not to tell anyone I let you do this."
"We promise." Peter assured.
"We do?" Neal asked. "Wait…is this the roof?"
"It is." Azarov nodded as she used her badge to override the lock. "More specifically it's the helicopter pad so if the lights turn red I need you two to high tail it back inside."
Peter swore that if Neal had a tail he would have started wagging it as soon as he realized what was happening. Excited himself Peter couldn't contain his bright grin as he pushed open the doors and the cool night air rushed over them. Stepping out onto the helicopter pad the pair stared out over the city from their high perch. Looking up at the waning moon that hung far overhead Neal suddenly started laughing. Chuckling himself Peter stared up at the vast expanse of empty space studded with a few bright stars. Ever since they arrived at the hospital Peter had this vague feeling that it was all a dream, but actually seeing the outside world finally cemented their freedom in his mind. The noise of the city wafting up to them was another powerful assurance that they had made it out of their tomb. With his joyfully tearful eyes still on the sky above Neal put his arm over Peter's shoulders.
"Thank you, Peter. I needed this."
"We both did."
