Chapter 71.

Dean kept looking around the room, seeing the stacks of books, the marks of coffee cups and bottles on wood that had once been well-polished. There were bullet holes in places and parts of the floor that had been gouged by dropped knives, or thrown ones. The smell of whisky and Old Spice and damp flannel shirts was hanging on the air and it was not an unpleasant smell to someone who had always associated it with home.

Castiel had done a fine job of recreating the place. While the mental construct that had never been given physical form and that he and Cas kept in their heads might have a little more security, this version had the virtue of not being infested with versions of his younger self.

Except, in a way. it was. Memories surged into his mind whenever he noticed something new. Some were good, thoughts of the welcome they had always received, the rare feeling of someone being pleased to see them, the hot meals they were given after days on the road, Bobby calling them idjits as he tended their wounds and critiqued their hunts.

Some memories hurt. Hearing his brother scream as the demon blood left his system or being sure that he could only save his brother by submitting to Michael, even though that felt wrong on every level. These walls had seen so much Winchester drama, so many stupid mistakes and the gruff old hunter who made no effort to be diplomatic had nevertheless, forgiven and understood it all.

"You okay?" said Bobby.

"Yeah, I'm always okay." said Dean.

"How could I forget?" said Bobby.

"Do you ever see Dad at all?"

"Yeah, all the time, when I'm upstairs. He and I kinda run the hunters in Heaven together."

"Who's in charge?"

"That's a hotly debated topic." said Bobby.

"I'll bet." said Dean, "How is he? I mean, is he different now?"

"Hell, yeah, he's different. Since your Mom joined him, he's better. He's lost that haunted look. He laughs. He's good."

There was a lump in Dean's throat. It was something he had long needed to hear. Then a thought occurred to him. "But didn't he have Mom before, or at least the illusion of her?"

"Your daddy's not big on illusions, even comforting ones. Apparently, when he first got to Heaven, it took him about two seconds to realise his version of Mary there was a fake. He just turned around and found his way out. Wouldn't go back in until they took her away."

"So he didn't even have that?" said Dean.

"He had you, son. You and Sam were alive. That was his comfort until the angels let him be with the real Mary. After that, this was really Heaven to him. I'm getting to know your Mom, by the way, getting to really admire her as a hunter."

"When Amara brought her back, I got to hunt with her for a while." said Dean, then his throat felt constricted again and he couldn't go on.

"Losing her a second time must've hurt like Hell." said Bobby.

Dean said nothing.

"Sorry." said Bobby, "It's been so long since we had a chance to talk, I don't know when to shut up. You don't have to listen. You don't have to talk. It's so good to have you here, to see you still breathing air."

Dean took a breath. "Honestly, I don't know why it still gets to me."

"Maybe because she was your Mom and you were four when you lost her the first time?"

"I figure there has to be a time when it doesn't hurt."

"I hope not. I don't wanna see what can make you so dead inside that you don't feel grief and sorrow."

"Ha!" said Dean, bitterly.

"What?"

"People keep telling me I'm dead inside."

"People?"

"People and things." said Dean.

"Well, nobody with a brain. Kid, you are more alive than anyone I ever met. You and Sam don't know how to die. You just keep on getting back up. It's why I'm so proud of you both."

Dean swallowed hard. "Can we talk about something else?" he said.

"Anything you like." said Bobby. After a while, he said, "You did get to see your dad after he died."

"Yeah, couple of times. We just don't get much chance to talk and ... well ... "

"Neither of you was ever great at talking." said Bobby.

"No." said Dean.

"Which is a pity, because you needed to hear the stuff he could never say."

"I think it went both ways."

"It did." said Bobby, "But he knew you loved him. He didn't always know why, but he knew."

"I had good reason to love him."

"I didn't say I was ever confused about the why." said Bobby, "I loved him too, flaws and all, because at his heart. he was a good man. However it seemed, you and Sam were his world."

"I know. I don't judge him for anything he did. He did what he thought he had to do." said Dean, "And you know what? If he'd done anything differently, maybe we wouldn't be here now. Maybe, there wouldn't be a here or a now."

"Very possibly." said Bobby, "And for the record, I don't judge him either. He held out in Hell, he escaped from Hell to save you. Even in Heaven, he shook off the lotus-eater crap and he kept things real. John Winchester was and is a great man. I know of only two men better than him."

"I know of only one." said Dean, "Unless we're counting angels and Nephilim. And I owe it to that one to get over the past and believe in his future."

"Nice thought, but it's not that easy. You think if you can't do that, you have to bury it all and pretend you have. Like that will ever fool Sam. He knows by the way you breathe in whether you're about to lie to him."

"His wedding ... " Dean began.

"Would be the worst possible time for you to lie to him. If your head's a nest of demons, tell him. It's not like he hasn't been there himself. Best wedding present you could give him is the truth."

"I didn't even think about a present!" said Dean.

"I doubt he expects one."

"He wouldn't care if he married in a hut in the woods. He doesn't expect anything."

"You seem angry about that."

"I'm angry that he grew up expecting so little from me and from life." said Dean.

"You both had a rough childhood. You both have low expectations."

"If you saw how much I had to nag and bully and convince him just to try for any kind of relationship with her ... and I swear, he fell in love with her the first time they met."

"It's hard to watch someone you love pushing away every chance at happiness because they feel they can't have it." said Bobby.

"Yeah, Cas was hard work too. He thought Heaven wouldn't allow him to be with Jules." said Dean.

"Well done on getting both of them to take a chance."

"I think Sarah did a lot for Cas." said Dean. He put his feet up on the couch. "This place feels real." he said, "What's it like for you?"

Bobby looked around the room. "I can barely tell its not the original. Our angel has an eye for detail. Of course, I'm real curious about this bunker of yours. I told Cas he needs to find a way for me to visit without being a spirit with all attendant risks and issues."

"You could, of course, get Jack to resurrect you properly."

"And I will, but not yet. There's stuff I need to deal with in the penthouse."

"Karen?" said Dean.

"Stuff." said Bobby.

"Because Jack could resurrect her too."

"She wouldn't wanna come back." said Bobby.

"If you need to talk about it ... "

"Hunters never talk, we just grab more alcohol. You want another beer?"

"Bring me two, I drink fast." said Dean, "Bobby, I mean it, if you ever need to talk ... "

"Yeah, I know. Thanks." said Bobby, retreating swiftly into the kitchen.