Chapter Ninety

Reaching up Neal pulled at the collar of his shirt, he had already loosened his tie twice and he had to force himself to resist the urge to undo the top button. He wanted to blame the restrictive clothing for his difficulty breathing despite the fact that his shirt no longer fit tight enough to be the actual source of his discomfort. Trying to relax Neal glanced over at Peter. Peter was smiling and greeting everyone who approached warmly however Neal noticed that any time anyone moved Peter would instinctively flick his attention in that direction for a second and tense his shoulders. Surrounded by well meaning coworkers it was a lot to keep track of and Peter was quickly looking fatigued to Neal's attentive eye. Mercifully it didn't take too long for the small White Collar team to say their hellos and leave the pair with just Jones and Diana.

"It's good to have you back, Boss." Diana said genuinely.

"Thank you." Peter smiled before gesturing to Jones. "Have you been calling Jones 'Boss' while I was gone?"

"That's a hard 'no'." Diana chuckled.

"I wouldn't have let her even if she'd tried." Jones said only half joking. "Seriously, I can't wait for you to take back over. This whole ASAC stuff is a lot more work than you made it look so just say the word."

"Uh…" Peter said uncomfortably "I'm not ready for that just yet."

"Of course," Jones said quickly "take your time."

"Neal," Diana said with a wry smile "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I missed you too."

"Thank you."

Diana looked at Neal in mild surprise that quickly turned to uneasiness. It took Neal a moment to realize that she had been expecting a wittier response from him than a simple 'thank you' and that she was worried that she might have made a mistake with her joking tone. The light conversation that the group had been attempting instantly crashed into silence. Neal hadn't minded the comment but he also didn't know what more to say right now. Anxious about the shift in mood that he'd caused Neal automatically looked to Peter who drew his shoulders back as if readying himself for a sudden fight. Jones shifted his weight uncomfortably as he not only picked up on Neal's uncharacteristic withdrawn reply but also Peter's subtle protective response. Considering that life had continued for Jones and Diana somewhat normally for the past few months it had been natural for them to act as though Peter and Neal would be just as ready to pick up where they left off, but it hadn't taken much for the observant Agents to figure out that wasn't the case.

"I'm sorry, Neal." Diana apologized.

"It's okay."

Neal knew he should be doing more to act like his 'old self' even if only for Peter's sake, but he didn't have the energy for it. It had been a week since Asha had showed up on Peter's doorstep and revealed that Jake was very much still on the hunt. Despite his determination to face his fears about it Neal was finding that even though it had been a good step forward simply wanting to be better wasn't enough to actually make it happen. It didn't help that like any artist Neal was his own worst critic and that he saw every jolt at a noise or flinching when under the shower spray as a failure without seeing the tremendous distance he'd come in the short period of time. His recovery was complicated by that fact that Jake still haunted the back of his mind and he was particularly active at night making nightmare free sleep an impossibility, assuming he was able to sleep at all.

'I get chatty when I'm bored, speaking of which this little reunion is the worst.' Jake complained. 'Why are you just standing around when you should be doing something about York? I wouldn't have to try and kill him if the FBI would get off their collective asses and actually arrest him.'

Although he honestly felt that Jake had a point Neal reached up and scratched behind his ear briefly. It was a signal he and Peter had agreed on earlier as a warning that he was actively hallucinating. The department psychologist had visited them at Peter's house earlier in the week and she had suggested that for now the best way for Neal to stay grounded in reality was to let Peter know when he was struggling with it. Since it wasn't easy for Neal to admit out loud that he was hearing or seeing things they had come up with this system. Peter instantly took notice and glanced around as if just confirming that Jake wasn't somehow actually here before he turned back to his old team.

"Thank you both for everything, but we really shouldn't be keeping Hughes and the Assistant Director waiting any longer." Peter said as an excuse to end the interaction.

"If either of you need anything just let us know." Diana offered.

"I will." Peter nodded.

Peter quickly guided Neal away from the pair and over towards the short staircase at the end of the Bullpen but he didn't start up the steps.

"We don't have to be here, Neal, if you want to go home…" Peter offered quietly.

"No. I want to be here, this is important."

"Honestly this ceremonial stuff is more important to Hughes than it is to me."

"But Hughes is important to you so…" Neal pointed out.

Peter smiled at Neal's understanding and nodded his agreement before heading up the stairs. Neal had to admit that he felt a little awkward coming to this meeting seeing at it was really more of a private FBI matter, but despite the fact that Neal wasn't officially part of their 'club' both Hughes and the Director had insisted that he join Peter today. Stepping into Hughes' office they were instantly greeted by a silver haired man that had a distinct air of authority to him. Focusing on Peter like a hunting dog on a bird Assistant Director Anderson stepped forward and offered his hand to Peter to shake. Neal had always found the idea of respect through rank to be an odd social construct that he didn't particularly agree with but Anderson felt like someone who had honestly earned his position.

"It's good to see you, Agent." Anderson greeted sincerely.

"Thank you, Director."

Neal was taken a bit off guard when the Director turned his steel blue eyes on him and held his hand out to him. Neal was so used to Agents, particularly ones that no longer worked in the field, treating him a bit like a second class citizen. Even though he had long ago developed a friendship with Peter he always saw himself as an outsider that was barely tolerated by the others. Even with Peter in the past there had certainly been times when things between them had reverted back into Handler and Convict. Neal was slow enough in accepting the Director's olive branch that Peter gave him a slight nudge to encourage him. Taking Peter's cue Neal took Anderson's hand.

"It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Caffrey." Anderson said formally as he shook Neal's hand.

"Thank you, Sir." Neal replied not certain exactly how to address the high level Agent.

Wasting no time Anderson turned to Hughes who handed him a small lacquer black box. Anderson looked back to Peter and smiled warmly.

"Under the circumstances Agent Hughes and I both felt that you would be more comfortable with a more private presentation than a tradition ceremony. I know you are both still recovering so I'll get straight to the point."

Anderson opened the box to reveal a small gold and enamel medallion nestled in a bed of white silk. The round medal was a deep navy blue with a bright gold star in the center that had embellished points and in the center a detailed engraving of the FBI shield. Neal didn't understand the look of genuine surprise Peter gave the medal considering that they had specifically come to the FBI for the award. The FBI Star was awarded to Agents or other law enforcement working with the FBI who were severely injured in the line of duty.

"Sir?" Peter questioned Anderson.

"I know you were expecting a Star, and I have one of those for you as well." Anderson smiled proudly. "However you deserve this as well, Peter."

"Is that not a Star?" Neal asked.

"No." Anderson shook his head. "This is the FBI Medal of Valor. Peter I know your report couldn't possibly even begin to have accurately detailed the courage and dedication it took over the past two months to not only keep yourself alive but to protect your CI as well against frankly astronomical odds."

"It was a team effort, Sir." Peter said looking to Neal.

"Of that I have no doubt." Anderson nodded thoughtfully. "Still well earned, Agent."

It took Peter a moment to actually accept the medal that Anderson held out to him. Reaching out he carefully took the box in his hand as if it was delicate high value piece of art. Neal smiled at Peter's modesty about his actions in the Labyrinth that Neal wouldn't ever hesitate to describe as heroic. Neal knew that from Peter's point of view every time he had stepped between Neal and a threat or made deals to fight in his place that he was simply doing the right thing. Being part of his instinct it would never have occurred to Peter to do anything different or to even consider his actions as 'above and beyond'.

Hughes handed Anderson another identical black box wordlessly. Hughes hadn't spoken yet, but the almost paternal look of pride in his eyes was more than sufficient as he left the actual speeches to his superior. When Anderson opened the second box Neal instantly saw the difference in the design from the first one. This round medallion had the same blue enamel but the gold symbol inside was more like a multipointed cross with a simple star in the center with the initials FBI embossed above.

"Two Stars in one career," Anderson noted as he offered Peter the box "not something I wish for any of my Agents but it certain proves your dedication in the face of personal risk."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Two stars?" Neal asked curiously surprised that he'd never heard about the medal or even seen it on display anywhere.

"Peter never told you the story?" Anderson said with a wry smile.

"It was a long time ago." Peter said in an uneasy dismissive tone that only served to enhance Neal's curiosity.

"You're too modest, Peter." Anderson smiled further. "Seriously though, it takes a strong will to put your safety and life on the line everyday for the sake of others. You are everything the FBI takes pride in and it's an honor to have you with us."

"Thank you, Director." Peter replied warmly with a nod of gratitude.

"Speaking of which." Anderson said as he turned to Neal with a bright smile. "Mr. Caffrey, it is my rare honor and privilege to present you with this for your own service to the FBI."

Neal furrowed his brow in confusion as Hughes handed Anderson another lacquer box. Anderson opened the box to reveal a different medallion. Set once again in the deep blue background this one had a golden shield with a small golden eagle inscribe on it below a set of justice scales and the letters FBI. The bottom of the shield had a gold sculpted ribbon set into the medallion with 'bravery' written in blue enamel on it.

"What is this?" Neal asked.

"It's the FBI Shield of Bravery."

"But I'm not an Agent."

"The FBI awards their medals to those who have earned them, granted they are usually reserved for Agents or other law enforcement personal working with the FBI. They are very rarely ever awarded to civilians, let alone convicts working with the FBI. However, it is more than warranted in your case, Mr. Caffrey." Anderson explained. "Along with everything you did to help keep yourself and Agent Burke alive through your extended captivity I also reviewed the body-cam footage of the rescue effort that traced your steps through what would have been a pitch black maze when you were there and in particular the under water portion of your journey to get help. Even in the face of no other viable options it took a tremendous amount of courage to dive into the unknown and as a direct result of that bravery you saved the life of one our Agents. The FBI thanks you, and I thank you."

Finally taking the small box from the Director Neal looked to Peter and found him smiling back and him proudly. He looked far more pleased in Neal's recognition of service than his own. Neal smiled brightly back at him, similarly more due to Peter's reaction than from the FBI award itself.

"I have also set everything up for your early release, Agent Hughes has all the paperwork it just needs your signature." Anderson added. "The FBI will still handle your medical expenses and once Agent Burke is back from medical leave if you are interested I'd like to talk to you about having you work for the FBI rather than just with it."

A little stunned by the combination of the unexpected award, the early release and potential job offer Neal once again looked to Peter rather than verbally responding back to Anderson. Peter gave him another beaming smile before subtly gesturing to Neal to turn his attention back to the Director.

"Thank you, Director." Neal said with the same respectful nod that Peter had offered Anderson.

"You're more than welcome, both of you. Take your time getting back to health and if the FBI can help in any way do not hesitate to ask." Anderson said earnestly before turning to Hughes. "I do need to talk to you, walk me back up to my office?"

"Of course, Director." Hughes nodded somberly. "Peter, Neal, it's been an honor."

"Same here, Sir." Peter replied.

Neal picked up on Hughes' use of 'it's been' instead of 'it is' and looking over at Peter he could tell that Peter had noticed it as well. Hughes followed Anderson out of the office looking all the world like he expected to not return. The concerned wrinkle in Peter's brow as he watched Hughes leave was further evidence that something was wrong. Neal was about to ask Peter if he thought it was about their case but before he got a chance he noticed Peter looking a few shades paler. Putting the two open boxes in his hands down Peter rested his palm on Hughes' large glass desk to steady himself.

Peter had done well to put on a good show of feeling well for both his teammates and the Director but in reality the day was taking a heavy toll on them both. This was their first real venture out into the world and it was proving to be exhausting. Putting his own Shield down on the table as well Neal gave Peter a nudge to encourage him to sit down in one of the chairs in front of Hughes' desk. Complying without complaint Peter sat down before pointing that the other empty chair to let Neal know he should do the same.

Neal smiled as he realized just how tired he was as well. They were both so preoccupied with ensuring that the other was doing well that it made taking stock in their own health a bit of a challenge. Sitting down Neal looked over the three medals on display with mixed emotions. It was certainly an honor to be presented with them, but at the same time he felt uneasy about their ordeal being summed up by a few round pieces of metal and paint. Everything still felt to fresh to be memorialized this way.

Worried that Jake would appear again to taunt him if he thought to much about it Neal focused on the Star that Peter had been given. Peter had never mentioned anything about being injured in the line of duty previously. Neal doubted that something simple like a broken bone would have earned him something like that. It was far more likely that something drastic had happened, something that would leave a mark. Considering there was very little of Peter that Neal hadn't seen over the past two months Neal suddenly had an idea that would explain everything, including Peter's reluctance to share the story. When a poorly contained smile touched Neal's lips Peter flashed him a look of dread.

"Neal..."

"Peter, did you get shot in the ass?"

"Medial hip." Peter corrected with a defeated sigh.

"I'm pretty sure that's medical speak for ass." Neal smiled. "What happened?"

"Crossfire when a stakeout cover got blown." Peter explained simply.

"Crossfire…" Neal mused for a moment. "You got shot by another Agent, didn't you?"

"My partner. It wasn't his fault."

"You zigged when you should have zagged?"

"Basically."

"I bet it took a long time for you to hear the end of that." Neal smiled.

"I still haven't heard the end of it." Peter said sourly.

"Good point." Neal chuckled before sobering as he remembered his own bullet injury. "I'm sorry, Peter. I know how much getting shot hurts. I won't bring it up again."

"Yes you will."

"Likely," Neal admitted "but I promise you that I'll at least try not to."

"Thank you." Peter said drily.

"Seriously though, it couldn't have been easy to come back to the job after an injury like."

"I never even considered not returning to the FBI." Peter said with a shrug. "It wasn't even a question, the FBI was everything to me."

"It still is, isn't it?"

"Yes and no, I hadn't met..."

Peter stopped dead in his tracks and left his sentence fragmented as something across the office suddenly caught all of his attention. Neal tried to follow Peter's line of sight but he couldn't figure out what had caused Peter to zone out so completely. He had likely been about to mention Elizabeth and Neal knew it took a lot to distract Peter from thoughts about her. As much as Neal wanted to chalk Peter's thousand yard stare up to simple fatigued he got the feeling that it was more due to Peter abruptly getting lost in dark thoughts. Neal debated giving Peter a moment to work through it but there was something different about this unexpected silence that Neal felt he had to break.

Before Neal could make a real decision Peter got to his feet and walked around Neal to the shelving that lined one wall of Hughes office. Sitting on the middle of the shelf were two large matte black boxes. Picking up the boxes Peter brought them over to the far side of Hughes large desk and placed them side by each. Looking like a sleep walker Peter opened one of the boxes, his breath hissing slightly over his teeth as he looked inside.

"Peter?"

"Neal," Peter said softly without looking up "I don't want your future with the FBI to depend on mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"No matter what happens, please talk to Director Anderson. A position with the FBI is your best chance at a normal life, even if it's with a new partner."

"New partner? Peter what is in that box?"

Unable to verbalize what he was looking at Peter continued to just stare at its contents. Getting to his feet Neal peered into the box. He was confused at first when found a sliver framed picture of Peter smiling back at him. However it became immediately clear what had Peter rattled when he slowly opened the second box and revealed a perfectly folded flag sealed behind glass in its memorial case. Peter reached out to touch the powerfully symbolic object but drew his hand back. He may have had a brush with death and returned to the job without hesitation before, but at the time he wouldn't have had Elizabeth to leave behind to collect a flag in his name the way he did now.