Alright fam, I know it's been like literal years but I am back with the final chapter. I hope the length can make up a smidge for the long wait. I am still to this day blown away by the response I get from this fic so I really hope you all enjoy the conclusion to it. My writing style has significantly changed since the beginning of this story so don't be surprised if it feels a bit different and if all the plot points don't perfectly match up, but I do believe we're ending with the best chapter yet!
As a refresher; Jim had been hiding the fact that not only did he mind meld with Other Spock but he also completely remembers his time dying after the whole Kahn fiasco. An alien helps him open up to Spock and Bones and they somehow find themselves right back in the Between.
"Well that's just typical," Bones muttered as he stepped away from the pair to scan their surroundings.
"Uh, are we dead?...Again?" Kirk asked as he hauled himself to his feet, studiously trying to NOT freak out.
"That seems highly illogical, Captain. If we were to perish, seemingly at the same moment, it is incredibly unlikely our consciousnesses would end up anywhere, let alone the same place."
"Helpful as always, Spock." Jim sent a tired smile Spock's way.
"Yeah," Bones grunted, "super helpful."
"Look, let's just, let's I don't know, try to figure out how we get outta here." Jim offered.
"We gotta figure out how we got here in the first place."
"If I'm not mistaken, the Grasows are a species capable of telepathic abilities. It is not illogical to assume they have something to do with this."
"Alright well then, they can just turn us right back around the way we came."
"I don't think-"
"Your friend is highly intelligent, James Tiberius," Amira says from where she appeared just off to the side of the trio.
Leonard startled and muttered a curse.
"Yeah, that's great. Mind telling us what's going on?" Jim requested through grit teeth. It wasn't like he had fond memories of this place after all.
"We, the tribal elders, saw it fit to gift you this opportunity." Amira sirenely explained with a sweep of her hand.
"Uh thanks but no thanks," Jim quickly muttered.
"What opportunity might that be, Elder?" Spock questioned, pointedly ignoring his companions grumbling.
"The Captain's mental shields are cracked and weak."
"Rude, but alright," Jim mumbled under his breath.
"He may wish to use this time to recenter himself and refortify his shields." Amira suggested, connecting eyes with Jim, leaving surprisingly little room for argument or rebuttal.
Even though Jim really, really wanted to argue that he was less likely to be calm here than in the middle of a fiery volcano awaiting eruption, he kept his mouth shut.
"I will try," was all he was able to promise.
"I have found when extraordinary men try, extraordinary outcomes prevail." Amira's voice drifted into his mind with an amused lilt.
"Great," Bones said, out loud and rather sarcastically, "I'd hate to be somewhere traumatizing while working on improving mental health."
Jim shook his head, "I'm not a huge fan of this either but-"
"-we shall do this together," Spock was quick to reassure his Captain.
A feeling of gentle warmth spread across Jim's chest. He turned back to Amira only to find that she was gone.
"Well Jim, how's that noggin of yours doin'?"
The man in question snorted, foregoing an answer, before taking a closer look around at their surroundings. Yup. This was the…place. Green and yellow swatches of blended grass and grain that swept over the rolling hills, reminding him of a home he hadn't felt he had since long before Tarsus.
The sky above the trio began to gradually darken.
Spock's eyebrows furrowed as he glanced first at the sky, then Jim, and back again.
"Captain, do you recall the time that Ensign Chekov foolishly challenged Keenser to a race across the Enterprise halls?"
"Sure Spock," Jim immediately laughed at the thought, the memory of Chekov ending up partially nude covered in oil and flour playing in his mind's eye. "Why?"
"It was a simple test. The atmosphere dimmed as did your thoughts. Figuratively speaking of course." Spock explained, gesturing to the now clear sky.
"Well shit."
"It appears you are quite tied to this place," Spock commented.
"You think?! How the hell are we gonna survive this?" Jim worried, beginning to pace as his mind raced. If he couldn't even think a fleeting thought about…before without the sky falling then how was he actually going to process the shit he's been through without actual harm coming to his friends?
"Perhaps you need not focus on the past," Spock mused, clasping his hands behind his back, "perhaps you should center yourself in the present and then we can begin rebuilding your mental shields."
"Hobgoblins got a point Jim," Bones added as he crouched down to wipe a spot of grass before plopping himself on it.
"The world really must be ending," Jim said with an attempt at a wry smile. Unfortunately, his two companions had long since learned to see beyond his carefully constructed facades.
Being met with silence allowed Jim to focus on what had actually been suggested. Focus on the present. He could do that.
Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Yup. Easy peasy. Just, focusing on the present. The right now. Right here. Not focusing on anything else. Nope, certainly not thinking about the past, like when he almost got an entire ship full of crew killed multiple times over when he let his ego get the best of him. Or all the times he'd let his best friends down, his crew, who all had family and friends to return home to. Or-
"Jesus Jim," Bones grunted, breaking Jim's focus, probably for the best anyways, "I'd hate to think that this was you trying to not focus on the negative."
Jim sighed.
"Okay, I'm. I'm just gonna," Jim awkwardly trailed off before he found himself a spot of grass somewhat next to Bones before sitting.
Both Jim and Bones looked up expectantly at Spock.
The Vulcan internally sighed before also taking a seat, forming an instinctual triangle.
"Alright, let's try that again Jimmy boy. Think happy thoughts, find your inner peace and all that crap."
"Great, thanks. Will do." Jim closed his eyes after rolling them at his friend's helpful suggestions.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
He's got this.
—
Turns out, Jim was actually able to find his way to an inner calmness he didn't think he'd ever be able to find or produce again.
It took some four hours, but he found it.
He began by letting his mind wander while maintaining the volume of the noise to a minimum level, always tying his thoughts and memories that kept popping up back to his even breathing - the most essential life function in the universe.
Soothing his body into a relaxed state allowed his mind to address the memories he had shoved down and away with all his formidable strength.
He was able to relive the memories of the future, of a different future, with a detached calm. He allowed himself to be in awe of the relationships his other self had managed to form, taking in the radiating feeling of love and loss without being completely overwhelmed or controlled by it.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Huh, maybe all those coping strategies Bones yells at him about actually have some merit.
While maintaining his "inner peace" as Bones called it, Jim allowed his thoughts to drift to the very edge of his mind, the place shrouded in darkness that sent subliminal waves of terror through him.
His eyes snapped open as his breath caught.
Bones and Spock had changed positions slightly from where they began this journey some hours ago.
Bones laid stretched out with his arms behind his head, although the sharp hint of concern in his eyes belayed the relaxed position he was in.
And Spock, when Jim abruptly opened his eyes, he found Spock straightening his shoulders already looking straight at him.
"Um so yeah," Jim eloquently said, staring back at his friends.
Bones raised an unimpressed eyebrow, "Really?"
"What! I did what you said, I. I found my happy thoughts or whatever and I think, I feel recentered," Jim shrugged.
Spock continued to watch him for a minute before saying, "Well done, Captain."
Jim sent his First Commander a smile in thanks.
"Now ya just have to practice with your mental shields and and bam! Back to solid, real, ground we go! Spock, you gonna practice with him?"
"Seeing as I'm the only one here with extensive experience and knowledge of mental shields, I am the logical choice," Spock said, with a raised eyebrow that basically equated to obviously. The Vulcan turned back to Jim and asked, "Shall we begin?"
"No time like the present, I guess."
Spock moved so that he was seated directly across from his Captain, both sitting with their legs crossed and hands resting open palmed on their knees.
"Our mental strength and therefore the quality of our mental shields are directly related to our emotions. As children, we on Vulcan are...were taught not to rely on our emotions but on logic, thereby giving emotion little hold or power over our actions. It is why my kind have notably strong shields to protect against telepathic invasion."
"I don't think we have fifteen years for me to practice, Spock."
Job
"Hell no," Bones chimed in, "I ain't staying in some ghost world for fifteen years."
Spock took a silent but deep breath in before speaking once more, "Yes, which is precisely why I was going to suggest a different way to fortify Jim's shields."
"Uh, right. Continue, please," Jim invited.
Spock gave Jim an unimpressed look before going on, "Because you are a highly emotional being, I believe it would be best to recall times of high stress and feeling, to give you the best opportunity to practice calm and strength without having to physically cause you distress."
Jim was silent for a long moment. What Spock was saying made complete sense, which is what made Jim uneasy. He knew it wasn't going to be easy facing the worst of his memories. He was no stranger to stress and fear and danger and he was more than aware that his coping strategy all these years has been outright refusal to think about the times as soon as they passed.
This was gonna suck.
Something in his thoughtful expression must have shown. Bones scooted closer to Jim, just enough for their elbows to rub, a soothing comfort that wasn't obviously stated just how Jim craved, as Bones knew.
"If anyone can get through this it's the great Captain Kirk," Bones drawled with a quiet smirk.
"Sure," Jim agreed before taking a deep breath, "Down the rabbit hole we go."
Jim closed his eyes.
Spock closed his eyes.
For the hell of it, Bones closed his eyes.
And then immediately snapped them open at the sensation of falling. He would never admit to the squeaky yelp that came out of him but dammit, he's a doctor not a skydiver.
When the trio had all opened their eyes it was to find themselves now standing in the middle of a field, a few odd human-looking people spread out, cutting the grain with practiced ease.
"Well shit," Jim grunts, bringing the attention of his friends to him.
"Where the hell are we now?" Bones asked no one in particular.
"Jim?"
"Um sorry guys, looks like we're literally taking a trip down memory lane," Jim said with a shrug, trying not to show the panic brewing in his chest.
"You are familiar with where we are, Captain?" Spock asked.
Jim's face twisted into a grimace, "Unfortunately, welcome to Tarsus IV."
"Jesus," Bones breathed, sounding like the word was punched out of him.
A look of both confusion and revelation crossed Spock's features before he noticed Jim's shallow breathing.
"It appears this would be an excellent place to begin rebuilding your mental shields, Captain."
"Christ, Spock," Bones cursed, shaking his head. Trust a Vulcan to keep a level head when they're likely about to witness a mass tragedy.
"No, uh. No, he's right. This is, obviously, what we're here to do," Jim stuttered, working himself back into control. He has had endless practice having to pick himself up and move forward. The current memory included.
He could do this.
Jim closed his eyes and breathed in. And out. He repeated it enough times to feel himself even out from the emotion threatening to overtake him as his memories from his time on Tarsus played across his mind. With a calm physical presence, he was able to recall his horrifying experiences with enough distance to feel safe and in control.
Bones and Spock kept their attention fully on their Captain and friend, ignoring the blurred moving images around them as if they were on warp through time.
The pair watched on as their surroundings slowed to a halt and Jim opened his eyes.
"Um, hi," Jim greeted, ignoring the urge to fidget under the scrutinizing glares of his, his friends.
Bones shook his head while the very corner of Spock's lips turned up.
"Well done, Captain. I believe you have begun to strengthen your mental shields."
"Loads of fun it was too. Nothing like a mini panic attack to get your heart pumping."
"The fact that it was a 'mini' one as you said, is a good demonstration of your resiliency, is it not?"
"You're just full of compliments today, aren't you Spock?"
"On the contrary, an adequate teacher provides constructive feedback."
"Mhmm. Well, let's keep going, shall we?"
"Are you good?" Bones asked quietly from Jim's side.
"As good as I can be. I have a feeling it's only going to get tougher from here."
"Let me know when it's ever not good, ya hear?" Bones said with a quiet intensity.
Jim nodded, unsure if he could keep his voice steady if he were to speak.
So instead, he closed his eyes once more and it turns out, he was right. It only got harder from there.
Having to experience the worst highlights reel of his life was one thing, but knowing that both Spock and Bones were along for the ride, not to mention the added pressure of having to rebuild his shields lest the unspoken 'or else' were to occur. Well, it was a lot. And very, very trying.
Jim went from a mini panic attack to a full blown one. He relived the destruction of Vulcan, and didn't that just make him feel like an ass for being so affected as a witness to the loss of yet another planet when a Vulcan presently stood at his shoulder.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
And oh boy, the memory of clinging to Captain Christopher Pike as his pained final words of comfort left his breath for the last time? Jim had to work harder than he thought imaginable to soothe his thundering heart, to calm his wild and almost feral thoughts. He felt like a senseless caged animal ready to gnaw at his own limbs if it meant escape from what he was seeing.
And then he noticed a hand on his elbow. And another on his other. Bones and Spock, his mind clarified without having to open his eyes. He wasn't alone. He could do this, he could rebuild his mind into an impenetrable fortress that would never quiver and crumble again. Never again.
Jim recentered himself and opened his eyes once more.
The trio found themselves standing in the middle of the Enterprise Warp Core.
Jim's breath wasn't the only one to catch.
But this memory, well, this one was a bit more complicated than the others. On the face of things, his dying was…impactful, yes, most regrettably to those he had left behind, albeit for only a short amount of time but still.
What made it complicated was the feeling of sheer and utter relief that Jim had felt in that final moment, when he literally and physically disconnected from his body and the world of pain he had lived in repeatedly throughout his life.
This memory was different from the rest because it wasn't a bad one.
And how the hell was he supposed to live with himself knowing that? He had to look his crew, his family, in the eyes every single day, knowing he was happy to finally be at peace but at the cost of his family's grief and loss. Jim saw the way his crews' eyes lingered on him just a moment longer than usual, the way Bones physically held onto him in some way during casual conversation, the way Spock yielded just a second sooner than he used to in their arguments.
Jim didn't notice a tear had escaped from the very corner of his eye until his own hand came up instinctively to wipe away the evidence. But he knew better now. Emotion isn't weakness. It's power.
"Jim?" Bones broke the silence first with his unasked question.
Jim huffed out a heavy breath, letting go of the debilitating weight he carried of all his worst experiences.
"I'm okay," Jim reassured, looking forward at both Spock and Bones. He felt like he was a balloon that had drifted up so far into the sky that he was completely weightless from the sheer energy he had exerted. "I think I'm gonna be okay now. Might just, might take a bit of a nap, 'kay?"
"Jim!"
"Captain!"
Both Spock and Bones rushed forward as Jim's knees buckled.
"Such a drama queen," Bones muttered as they lowered the Captain to the ground, finding themselves shifted once more back to the great hall of the Grasows.
Spock continued to hold on to the Jim but immediately scanned their surroundings for any signs of danger or deceit.
"Welcome back," Elder Amira said as she appeared in front of the trio.
"Are we? Back, I mean," Bones ground out, itching to return to the ship with Jim seeing as their Captain had apparently decided to snooze on the job. The idiot.
"Yes. And it appears it was a rather successful journey."
Spock observed Amira before deciding to disclose, "I believe the Captain has successfully rebuilt and fortified his shields."
"It seems so," Amira agreed with a smile, "I won't keep you any longer as I'm sure your crew will soon be wondering where you are and I believe the Captain has earned a rest."
"Yeah, I think he has."
