Chapter 7
Look in my face; my name is Might-have-been;
I am also call'd No-more, Too-late, Farewell - Dante Gabriel Rossetti
It was pretty easy for me to lay under the blanket for a believable amount of time.
It gave me a moment to calm myself down while Elsa and Kristoff clattered away in the kitchen. And that was a good thing, because I could tell I was going to need a few minutes.
The problem was the still part. I was twitchy and restless; aroused in a way that was nearly painful to ignore. Even the sheets rubbing against my skin was overstimulating. I clenched my jaw and started counting, allowing my breath to hiss through my teeth. All my muscles were tight and shaky, almost sore.
I also seemed to have a permanent ear to ear smile plastered across my face. When I tried to tone it down slightly I felt like my cheeks were cramping up. Heat buzzed outward from my belly all the way down to the tips of my toes.
I felt oddly indestructible, and a little bit drunk.
Elsa kissed me.
I couldn't stop the sentence from playing on repeat through my head. Maybe the more I focused on it the more real it would feel. It would be laughably easy to convince myself it had been a dream. I had just woken up; I was always confused for a while afterwards. Was it possible that I had only been fantasizing until the last couple of seconds when she rolled away? Truly, it wouldn't be that far-fetched.
There was a small bit of proof, my physical state being part of it. I could still feel her hands on me, the cool length of her fingers gripping at my sides. Also my lips were definitely swollen; when I pressed my fingers to them they almost hurt. I had finally started to regain control of my breathing, barely.
Another comfort was Elsa.
She really couldn't get a hold of herself. I had been listening to her in the kitchen for the last ten minutes and she sounded like she'd taken a full bottle of caffeine pills. She was laughing too often and I'm pretty sure I heard her drop some silverware. I couldn't remember a time I'd seen her drop something on accident.
I knew Kristoff must be making fun of her and the fact that I was missing the expression on her face while she tried to cope was torture.
The giddiness I felt at her struggle was a little disturbing if I was honest with myself. I couldn't help from being a little smug, but I was trying my best to hide it because I knew Elsa would recognize it immediately. I just couldn't believe it was because of me. The knowledge that I'd unhinged her so thoroughly was unexpectedly overwhelming, and my glee was untamable. Ever since I'd known Elsa she'd had the upper hand in our relationship. She always had one over on me, using my attraction to her as a weakness. It hadn't occurred to me until now to do the same. A deviousness worked its way into my smile. I wanted to tap my fingers together like a villain.
Learning to control this new-found impulse was going to be difficult. I could barely contain it at the moment, and I couldn't even see her.
Also there was a bigger problem.
I was undeniably in love with her.
Which, maybe if I'm honest with myself, I always have been on some level. She was too perfectly positioned in my life, too perfect in general, for me not to fall for her.
It was just Elsa. I'd been horribly attracted to her since I met her; there hadn't ever been anything I could do to quell it. Everything about her was fashioned to pull me in, and the sincerity of Elsa herself, beneath her front, was the fatal blow. She was exactly what I had always wanted, before I knew I wanted anything at all. And she liked me. Like she really liked me and listened to me when I talked and laughed when I said stupid things and smiled at me, even before I smiled at her. And then she was sweet and gentle and so smart and thoughtful and so beautiful. I was defeated utterly, without ever once feeling the loss.
Not to say that I had no sense of self preservation whatsoever. I was scared to be in love with someone who was so different than me, so tight lipped. Someone who had a mysterious double-life and came carrying a considerable amount of danger; who had disappeared from my life so completely that I believed she might be dead. I was terrified that it could happen again.
There were things I was still upset about, things I needed to talk to her about. There were very solid, rational reasons why loving Elsa was problematic. I couldn't handle the possibility of being hurt by her that way, the kind of hurt that would never heal, that would always sting every time I thought about her.
It would make me want to avoid her, and that kind of made me feel like I would die just thinking about it. Maybe that's dramatic, but it's honest. Something very fundamental within me was Elsa's. If we were separated she would take that piece of me with her. She was vital to me; I had to be around her, no matter what happened between us. I needed her presence for sanity, and yes, I can admit that is almost surely unhealthy.
But, like I said, Elsa liked me.
She was the first one that had ever liked me just… because she liked me. Right off the bat, no instigating factor.
Not that my aunt and uncle and Punzie loved me any less. But they were kind of obligated to; I didn't have anyone else but them and they were decent people. What else could they do under the circumstances but take me in and love me? And I was eternally grateful for them, and Punzie's fiancé too; they'd done more for me than I could begin to thank them for. But it just wasn't the same kind of satisfaction.
Elsa liked me the minute we met outside the principal's office. That didn't happen to me often. I wasn't unfriendly or anything, but we have established that I'm a little strange. I wasn't prepared for her lack of dismissal and avoidance. I hadn't ever had a friend until her and Kris.
And as much as I loved him, Kristoff and I wouldn't have ever been friends if not for Elsa. Not because we didn't have anything in common other than her. In fact, I couldn't fashion a more complementary friendship if I had the ability. Kris just would've never talked to me, would've never had a reason to. And I definitely wouldn't have ever approached the twins; they were far too threatening. We would've passively existed in each other's lives without ever discovering one another. My heart squeezed painfully when I imagined his absence in my past, how empty it would seem. How empty it was for the years they were gone. I would never go back to that.
And aside from any of that, Elsa didn't make friends with people. Ever. At all. The closest she came to it was with the girls on the basketball team, and that was more of a drill sergeant/maggot relationship than friendship.
Kristoff was her world, she didn't need anything other than his company. There was no precedent for our relationship.
I can vividly recall Kristoff's shock when Elsa introduced me to him, but it had all been directed at her, not me. He couldn't believe she would bring someone in, couldn't believe she would even talk to someone in a casual, friendly way, let alone affectionately.
She chose me so deliberately, in a way that I'd never experienced. And in response my loyalty to her was like fire in my chest, and if I was sure of anything it was that Elsa shared that particular conviction.
It was enough to make a girl feel special. Elsa always made me feel special; it was a priority of her's. And I couldn't believe that she'd kissed me.. like she hadn't wanted to stop kissing me.
I buried my face further into my pillow and sighed long and happy, my cheeks warming when I realized what I was doing. My mind kept wandering inevitably back to Elsa and her skin and her mouth. I wondered briefly if I stayed under the blanket long enough if she might come check on me.
How dare you make fun of her, you fuckin sap.
I caught myself grinning too much again and focused on relaxing the muscles in my face.
If I let myself calm down for a minute I could stop my mind from racing and see where I was headed. Really it should've been obvious; I'm not a dweller. I like to move on quickly from conflict and confusion.
I felt a certain kind of calm resignation toward the whole subject. So what if I was in love with Elsa? I didn't actually feel any different than I had before, I just hadn't been actively acknowledging it. I still wanted her the same amount, still felt the same amount of pain when I thought about losing her. Nothing had really even changed at all.
And what could be done anyway? I couldn't stop being in love with her. I couldn't change a single thing about the way I felt.
Did I even want to? Would I stop if I had the option? It would probably spare everyone a lot of difficulty. Did I care? Not really, at this point. Not now that I knew what her body felt like on top of mine and how heavy and comforting her palms were on my waist and how silky soft her hair was, even first thing in the morning.
Okay, stop. You were just calming down.
I sighed, but in a happy way, feeling a new kind of resolve.
I had always been the kind of person that felt better when I at least understood what I was feeling. It wasn't the emotion itself, but the confusion that frustrated me. Knowing I was in love with Elsa was actually a bit of a relief; I felt like I'd been heading in this direction since I met her.
It left me room to move on and worry about new things.
Instead of thinking about Elsa and how I felt about her, I could think about Elsa and how I was in love with her and how I knew what it was like to kiss her and also how I was going to tell her as soon as the opportunity presented itself and take her reaction no matter what it was. This couldn't continue the way that it was; I hated uncertainties like this. She had a right to know the way I felt if she intended to start anything with me. I had a right to protect myself.
I was ready. I wanted to do it.
It was with the energy of my new determination that I staged my awakening.
Shifting around slowly over the course of a few minutes, I worked my way out from under the blankets.
I glanced toward the kitchen and noticed with disappointment that the twins hadn't seen my performance, so I made quite the show of sitting up and stretching my arms.
"Anna!" Elsa's voice was louder and higher than expected and I jumped a little. Kristoff snickered at her, his head deep in the bottom cabinet.
"Hey." I grinned and her face went sort of pink.
Oh... this is nice.
I pulled my sweatshirt over my tank top, quickly yanking my fingers through my tangled hair to braid it.
I was halfway through the second braid when I looked up and saw Elsa, her eyes that same heavy-lidded, unfocused stare. She was watching my hands while I twisted my hair into patterns.
She looked… interested.
The intensity of it took me off guard and I blushed hotly, pushing my shoulders up to my ears. Heat bloomed steadily in my stomach. "M-morning."
Elsa blinked once and her eyes cleared. She offered a wide smile, full of teeth. "You're awake."
I stood to walk to the kitchen. She watched me, roving up to my neck and then down to focus on my legs where my shorts cut off. Her eyes went glassy again; I saw the fingers on her left hand flex.
Jesus, she made me feel fucking naked.
I tried to clear my throat. "Um, yea-"
"Yeah, finally." Kristoff jumped up from the floor, holding a pan in triumph.
I had completely forgotten about him, and it startled me so much I stumbled slightly before reaching the counter. Elsa looked equally shocked, shaking her head as if to clear it, but she was fortunately behind him and he didn't see.
"We've been waiting for you to get up forever." Kris waggled his eyebrows at me. "I thought Elsa kept you up so late you'd never wake up."
Faster than I could blink a roll of paper towels flew across the kitchen, striking him in the back of the head with surprising force.
"Shit!" He clapped a hand over the spot, whirling on Elsa. I watched the roll bounce across the floor and then take off like the red carpet toward the back of the Box. "No need to be so fucking defensive."
Elsa turned her nose up at him, crossing her arms and facing away. "I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, she can sleep as late as she wants."
"Yeah, the blunt object you just assaulted me with, threw itself across the room on its own..."
I was grateful for the diversion while they continued to snap at each other. Partly, because I knew Elsa had started an argument with him on purpose to give me a second to recover from his comment, and the knowledge had me feeling quite warm and floaty. But mostly because I really did need a moment to take in his remark.
Calm down, he's just being a dick. Like usual.
I took a deep breath, leaning against the counter in an attempt to appear casual while the twins' bickering slowly cooled off. I started picking at my fingernails; Kristoff was watching me, looking for a reaction.
"What's the problem, Red? Too exhausted to argue with me?"
I rolled my eyes. "No, just too intelligent."
Elsa snickered, leaning across the counter to offer me a low five. I slapped her hand without looking, pretty impressed with myself.
Kris glared, but mischief still danced in his eyes, his big jaw moving to jut out. "What? You guys sleep together one time and suddenly I'm chopped liver?"
I clenched my jaw in an effort to not react, passing him to grab a plate and gripping his big shoulder in fake sympathy.
"That's the way it's gotta be, bro."
I cringed at Elsa behind his back; she smiled a slow, relaxed smile. It made my fingers feel tingly.
Kris huffed and rolled his eyes. I thought I had won.
I underestimated his drive.
My pile of French toast was no larger than normal, nor my heap of chocolate chips. So, I already knew it was not innocent when Kristoff asked, "Still got that sweet tooth?"
I shot him a slightly annoyed look. "Since yesterday? Yes."
"Ohhh." He grinned. "I just thought Elsa would've given you all the sugar you'd need."
I saw Elsa spin to throw something else at him, but I held up a finger at her and she froze. There was no need to escalate this. We had to remain strong, composed.
"Shut the fuck up, Kris." I smiled sweetly at him.
He raised his hands to me, palm out. "Jeez, alright. Touchy."
He turned back to the sink, spraying the hose into a mixing bowl. He seemed to have refocused and I felt the spark of victory in my chest.
"Just like you and Elsa last nigh-"
Suddenly the jet of water he was spraying ricocheted out of the bowl and blasted him in the face. He gargled with it, fighting to twist the knob off.
I burst into laughter, slapping my hands down against the counter.
"Anna's right, Kris." Elsa smiled, winking at me, and I saw her left hand relax out of a fist. The water shut off the same second. "Shut the fuck up."
I honestly expected it to be more weird. I thought for sure that, despite my… eager reciprocation, Elsa would be awkward or uncomfortable as soon as her actions caught up with her. I expected her to distance herself or to be standoffish. Maybe even a little angry out of embarrassment. I expected to have to coax her back out, to have to be delicate and take my time to relax her before we would be comfortable enough again to talk.
I could not have been more wrong.
For one, I'd never seen her so… chipper. She was grinning toothily and laughing at everything, even stuff that wasn't remotely funny. She seemed to vibrate with energy, never sitting down for more than a few minutes. Kristoff was openly making fun of her and she hardly even roasted him back, which was really unlike her.
It was a deep kind of happiness. She acted… unburdened, like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. There was an extra little bounce in her step. It was really cute; I couldn't stop smiling at her all day.
Secondly, she would not stop fucking touching me. It became so common I was starting to get jumpy, feeling the ghost of her fingers on my skin even when they weren't there.
We were going to have to have our discussion soon, or else I was going to suffer actual heart failure. Every time she left her seat her hands were brushing my shoulders, my neck, down my arm, over my thigh. It was always in passing, only for a second, but it was like she couldn't help herself. If she sat within reach of me her hand landed somewhere on my leg. She would be talking to Kristoff and reach over to run her hand down the length of my hair, to place her fingers against the back of my neck. No matter what direction she was walking she'd make a detour to pass by me. Her feet just led her in my direction; I was her magnet.
It was driving me absolutely insane.
I did not have even close to the strength of will that Elsa seemed to, and if I were to give in to my desire to touch her there would be no stopping me from doing something highly inappropriate in front of Kristoff. I ached with the need to kiss her again. Kissing her once seemed to have done nothing but intensify everything I felt. I couldn't stop thinking about it, but fantasizing was almost painful at this point, knowing how much better the real thing was. And to make matters worse Elsa was being a lot more... outward. She was sitting so close and kept staring at me with this face and it was ridiculous how good-looking she was. And she would smile a little because she thought it was funny how uncomfortable I was and then I could only think that her smirk just made her that much hotter.
The day chugged by sluggishly. I was beginning to feel a little panicky. Kristoff would be keeping watch tonight, Elsa and I would be sleeping at the same time, no opportunity for us to talk alone. I couldn't survive another entire night and day of this before Elsa's watch time. It was a special kind of torture. I kept having to excuse myself to go to the bathroom just to get a chance to catch my breath or fan myself.
And Elsa fucking knew.
If I didn't find it so attractive I'd be legitimately pissed.
But every time I got a little too overwhelmed, every time I came back in the room thinking I finally had my composure, she'd stare at me and bite her lip or look me up and down or touch my hair or my neck, and I know she knew what she was doing to me.
It was still early in the afternoon when I started desperately suggesting games for the three of us to play. Anything engaging, anything argument-inducing, anything that could possibly distract me for a second. It worked for brief moments, until I remembered that I was playing against Elsa. And then I'd look up and realize she'd been staring at me while I was thinking about my next move, and I wouldn't even be able to remember what game we were playing.
I lost everything miserably; even Jenga, which I'm usually the champ at. Kristoff was having a field day, I was sure I'd never seen him laugh so loudly or frequently. He kept poking at me, and at first I was trying to be diplomatic. This was his golden opportunity to tease both Elsa and I; he'd been waiting for years to get the chance. I couldn't blame him for a few good comments or jabs. But after the third or fourth "That's what Anna said last night." my diplomacy flew out the window.
"Seriously Kris, I'm about to rip your arm off and beat you with it." I growled at him after the second lost game of Connect 4.
He placed his hand over his heart, throwing his hair back and pouting his bottom lip. "You'd think after some good lovin' you'd be in a better mood than usual."
I paused, giving him a disgusted look. "Good lovin'?"
He shrugged. "Maybe not my best, but I'm close to tapped out."
"Thank god." Elsa groaned. Her feet were in my lap while she laid on the floor near us, her arm flung dramatically over her eyes. I had been tapping rhythms against her ankles for the last little while, but had stopped in my anger with Kristoff. I quickly resumed and saw the corner of her mouth jerk up a little. "If I hear any more of your stupid jokes I won't be able to suppress my urge to throttle you."
"Just like you couldn't suppress your urge to-"
Before he could finish his sentence I jerked my leg out in an effort to kick him. He caught my foot in his giant hand with ease.
But then his face immediately shifted from mischievous to concerned. "Whoa, Anna, what the hell?"
"What? You deserved it-"
"No, I'm serious." He shook his head in impatience, quickly leaning up on his knees, his hand gripping my leg a little more firmly.
I saw Elsa eyeing his hand around my ankle. "What are you doing, Kris?"
"She's got a fever."
"What?" I giggled. "No I don't. I never get sick, ever. And besides I feel great."
"Anna, there's no way. Your skin feels like fire, seriously. Do we have a thermometer?"
"She doesn't feel hot to me." Elsa sat up and placed her palm against my forehead. Her skin was cool, like usual, and unbelievably pleasant against my skin.
I smiled a sort of dopey smile at her and she grinned back.
"You have a distinct lack of sensitivity to temperature." Kristoff rolled his eyes. "Move over."
He waved Elsa's hand away and put his own against my skin. His eyes widened in shock. "Jesus, Anna, you feel like you should be in a coma. Hang on a sec."
He stood and walked to the kitchen, ruffling through the cabinets for a minute. Elsa was staring at me, the concerned little line between her eyebrows creasing. She placed her palm back against my forehead, and her other hand on the side of my neck.
"I can't believe I couldn't tell. You always feel so warm to me."
I smiled, leaning into her hand. "It's no biggie. I feel great. Kris is probably overreacting."
She worried her teeth over her bottom lip. It was incredibly distracting. I almost felt like asking her to stop. "You would've told me if you felt sick, right? Any aches or nausea or anything?"
"Els, seriously I'm fine. I feel… better than I've ever felt. Strong."
Her concern became confusion. "What do you mean-"
"Aha!" Kristoff shouted in triumph. He trotted back over to where we sat on the floor, a tiny thermometer in between his fingers. He shoved it toward my face. "Open wide, princess."
I wrinkled my nose at him. "I think I can manage on my own." I grabbed it from him, placing the small end under my tongue.
We all waited for a moment. It was very uncomfortable, and I couldn't help but feeling like we all needed a little stimulation if we were so bored that the twins were waiting silently to see my temperature. I was positive Kris was being ridiculous. In fact, I wouldn't put it past him for this to be an elaborate set up for another joke. However, his concern did seem pretty genuine.
It beeped suddenly, startling all three of us. Kristoff snatched the tool out of my mouth before I had the chance.
"Hey!" I protested, jumping up to reach for the thermometer. He held it high, in front of his eyes, squinting to read the tiny numbers.
And suddenly his face drained of all color, his breath whooshing out at once. "Oh, fuck."
"What?" I whined reaching up on my toes to grab it from him, but Elsa beat me to it, snatching it out of his hands. I hadn't even noticed her stand. While I watched, she froze, the little tool falling from her limp hand easily into mine.
104.6 degrees.
I blinked.
There was no way. That couldn't possibly be right. Aren't people basically dead past 103? It had to be some kind of mistake. I didn't even feel sick; the opposite in fact. There was no way I had that high of a fever, no way that I wouldn't be able to tell. How would I have even gotten so sick all of the sudden? I never got sick, and a 104 temperature doesn't just sneak up on a person all in one day.
"It's wrong." I said, but my voice sounded hollow to me. Elsa's fingers were shaking at her sides, I could see her breathing accelerating. "Seriously, it's got to be wrong. Let me try it again."
I reset the thermometer and placed it back beneath my tongue. The time seemed to last forever before it beeped. Kristoff was twisting his hands together, his eyebrows all scrunched in worry. Elsa stood still as a statue; the room was significantly colder than it had been a few minutes ago.
It beeped. I ripped it out of my mouth, squinting at the little numbers.
104.8 degrees.
I gasped. Elsa grabbed the thermometer from me. She made some sort of strangled noise in the back of her throat at the number. Her hand shot out and gripped my wrist, like she needed support not to collapse.
And then in the same second she was a blur of motion.
Running to the bed, she shoved some clothes, a few bags, and some food into a duffel and flung it over to where we sat. At the loud thud Kris followed her lead and ran to the kitchen, filling another bag with a few boxed snacks. Elsa moved into the bathroom like a tornado, snatching random items as she went along, and came back with a sack of toiletries.
I saw her pause for a second and then march toward me, ripping the throw blanket off the bed and draping it carefully around my shoulders. She looked so focused, driven, like she was on a mission.
But when she got close to me, I could see her eyes and they were frantic, wide and wild looking.
"Come on, princess. Let's go." Her voice came out steady and gave me some relief.
"What are you talking about? We can't leave the Box."
She secured the blanket around me and leaned in quickly to kiss me on the forehead, her fingers pressing tightly against the nape of my neck. Butterflies erupted in my stomach.
"We're going to the hospital."
And just as suddenly I took a step back from her. Panic filled me like ice. "No."
"Anna-"
"No, please, Elsa you know I can't."
My voice cracked in fear and she stopped, froze. I saw the heartbreak in her eyes. She reached her arms out, as if to hug me. "Oh- shit-"
"I can't, I can't-"
"Anna." She cupped her hands around my face, holding me in place. Her eyes bored into mine, irresistible in their intensity. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But we have to. I'll be with you every minute, I swear. I'll never let go of your hand. Not for one second, I promise."
I felt tears burn at the corners of my eyes; I squeezed her wrists and tried to breathe. "Els, it's too- you know I can't. Please, don't make me."
Elsa pulled me close, crushing me against her chest. I heard her breathing hitch a little, as if she was also struggling against tears. "I'm so sorry, Anna. Please, please, this is serious, you're sick. I'm scared of what could happen; we have to go. Please."
"But-but I feel fine. I'm not sick- and I'm- I'm scared to leave here, too. What- what about the hunters- the Kolai- they'll find us-"
Elsa pulled me back away from her, ducking down to get on my eye level. I saw the panic in her, barely restrained, bubbling frantically just beneath the surface. "I won't let anything happen to you. I swear to god. I'd die first. Please, have to trust me, I'll keep you safe."
I took her in, all her fear and drive to protect me, to fix whatever was going on. I was reminded strongly of a week ago, when she had pleaded with me to leave the city; the way that her eyes shined in desperation. I glanced to the side and saw Kristoff, watching us closely, van keys in hand. Despair filled my stomach like bile; my hands shook violently.
I hadn't been to a hospital since the last time I visited my mother. I did not do well at hospitals; they were too full of dark memories and painful things I wanted to stay buried. Full of death and sickness and tragedy. I had sworn to myself for as long as I could remember that I would never willingly enter a hospital as an adult, not as long as I had any kind of choice. No illness or suffering was worth the trip.
But Elsa was scared, the same way she'd been that night she stumbled back into the twin's apartment, a ceaseless, senseless kind of panic. I was scared; I didn't understand how I could be so sick and not feel anything. What could possibly even be wrong with me? But still, if it was up to me I wouldn't go, I'd rather die of whatever mysterious illness I'd contracted. Hospitals are always bad news. But Elsa was begging, Elsa was scared. It would hurt her if something happened to me.
If I could do anything for anyone, it would be for Elsa.
"I trust you, Elsa." My voice was no more than a whisper, but it was all the confirmation she needed.
She yanked me forward, kissing me firmly on the lips.
Fireworks shot off behind my eyelids, and I couldn't help but smile.
In half a second everything changed.
That same angry, unfamiliar heat that I'd felt briefly before burst from my chest like flames. It was foreign and deliberate in its strangeness and felt like the fever I was supposed to have. It moved through me like a drug, scorching everything in its path, passing behind my eyes. At once I felt like I was falling; the back of my knees went numb.
What the hell?
"Anna!" Elsa's voice filtered through the radio static buzzing in my ears. There were cool hands beneath my head and then all I saw was darkness, all I felt was fire.
