Author's Note: References to self-harm and prior abuse. You are important! You are loved!
Bit of a filler chapter, but I have ideas for a few chapters down the line. Get ready!
Urgwaew: Thank you for your kind words and review! I kept waiting for someone to review so I could get a spark of inspiration, and I did! Thank you so much for catching my error! I took out that line with Albus. I appreciate it! I was so excited to post the chapter that I missed that part! I love what you said about Sirius! Thank you! Sirius is more responsible and Remus definitely contributed to that, as did becoming a parent to his orphaned godson :(.
And you didn't forget anything about the backstory, I didn't really explain it (whoops). When I first decided to write this story, I wasn't expecting it to be very long (ha), and I was (and still am) writing it for my mental health. I remember starting the first chapter and glazing over the details because I just needed to get my emotions out. However, this has become a real story so there should be a backstory:). I'll try to incorporate it into a chapter but here is what happened:
- Sirius was in Azkaban for about two years.
- Remus was allowed to visit Harry for scheduled visits twice a year, but Remus never was okay with that and kept fighting for custody. Since they were scheduled, the Dursleys made sure he had no bruises.
- Peter was discovered (Remus never stopped fighting for Sirius and helped find Peter).
- When Sirius was released from Azkaban, Remus made sure he spent time healing before getting Harry (not that they knew he was abused).
- Harry was rescued around age 4.
- Peter escaped Azkaban third year.
Let me know if that makes sense! I apologize for not incorporating it sooner. At the time I started this, I could only focus on the main plot point (SH). Now I want to make sure I have a developed story! I'm nowhere near infallible, though, so I appreciate the help, tips, and advice!
You are a real gem and I appreciate you! Thank you a gazillion!
When Harry awoke he momentarily forgot where he was. As soon as he remembered, he relaxed and looked around the room. His clothes were laid out for him and there was a note on the dresser. Harry decided to lie in bed a bit longer, not quite ready to go out into the world just yet.
Albus, however, had been up for hours. He had a long night between his own thoughts and calming Sirius and Remus down. In the end, he had Poppy dose them with a Calming and Sleeping draught, forcing them to sleep with reassurances that he could handle Harry.
Sirius and Remus slept for much longer than they normally would, but at 10 am they were both in Dumbledore's office. They both looked worried and irritated but much more rested.
"Drugging us was not necessary, Albus," Sirius said heatedly.
Albus was sitting at his desk. He clasped his hands together and leaned forward. "I did not do it without your consent."
"Well yes, but," Sirius trailed off, huffing.
"Sirius, it's okay. We both slept much better than we would have. Let's focus on what's important," Remus reminded Sirius softly.
The anger left Sirius' face and was replaced with concern. "How's Harry?"
"He's still in his bed. He just woke up, but hasn't left his room yet."
"Is he safe there?" Remus asked.
Dumbledore nodded. "Anything he could use to hurt himself is not in the room and the charm is still on his fingers."
Remus nodded and Sirius audibly released a sigh he was holding. "Thank you," Sirius said warmly.
"Of course. Now, please sit. There are a few things I want to talk to you about." Dumbledore waved his wand, setting up a silencing charm in case Harry decided to eavesdrop and Remus and Sirius sat down.
"Harry is feeling his heavy burden much more right now. He also wants to be a typical teenager. While I have been meeting with him every other week, we will have to start doing things related to how he is feeling and what his destiny is."
Sirius stiffened at the word 'destiny', but Remus put a calming hand on his leg.
"I wanted your permission to start to train him and help prepare him for what's to come. I don't just mean what I do with him in his DA lessons, but giving him information about what has happened in the past. I want to show him memories, take him places, and tell him things. I do respect both of you as his parents and wanted to ask permission before I do this."
Sirius and Remus looked at each other, communicating with their faces. Remus then turned to Dumbledore and said, "Albus, that's a really difficult question. I don't know if Harry's ready for that. He is working on surviving right now. He said that it was all too much for him and I don't want to push him over the edge."
"I understand that, I do. I wouldn't be bombarding him with the knowledge but helping empower him. He feels he is powerless, but knowledge can help him gain some of that power back. I also know that on difficult days, I wouldn't necessarily do that with him. Maybe we'd just sit." Dumbledore sighed now. "Remus, you are an incredible therapist and father, but what Harry has to do is unprecedented. I can help him with part of that. I," Dumbledore stopped talking. He took a deep breath to steady himself. "I have some similar experience with my role in the first war with Grindelwald. It's not an easy role."
Remus was comfortable with people divulging information and other secrets to him so this allowed him to slip into Healer Lupin mode and his thinking became clearer. "You're right, Albus. It is not easy. I appreciate your kind words and I also know that Harry can benefit from many different people, not just the one who is a mind healer. " Remus looked over at Sirius and tried to gauge how he was feeling.
"I can give you both time to talk about it, I just wanted to bring the idea up and start a dialogue concerning it," Dumbledore said.
"We appreciate that Albus, thank you," Remus said, smiling at him.
Albus' wand then went off, signaling that Harry was leaving his bed. "Ah, it seems like Harry is out of bed." Albus took down the silencing charm and a few moments later, Harry was wandering into the room.
"Good morning, Harry," Dumbledore said warmly, smiling at Harry.
Remus and Sirius stood up and went by Harry. "Good morning, Cub," Remus said. "Can we give you a hug?"
Harry nodded and was quickly engulfed by the two men who squeezed a bit tighter than normal.
Remus and Sirius started to lead Harry over to the seats they were just in, but Dumbledore spoke up and said, "Why don't we move over to the other seats. it'll be less formal."
They all nodded and turned, heading towards the more comfortable seats away from the headmaster's desk. They all sat down. Harry fidgeted nervously and Remus took one of Harry's hands in his, offering his silent reassurance and keeping him safe. Harry squeezed it gratefully.
"So, am I in trouble?" Harry asked.
"Cub, just because we want to speak to you doesn't mean you're in trouble," Remus gently pointed out.
Harry shrugged.
"Harry, we wanted to see how you're doing. Last night was overwhelming for you and we are all worried about you," Remus said.
"I'm-" Harry began.
"Harry James I swear to Merlin don't say fine," Sirius said, his voice surprisingly stern.
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, leaning over and looking at his mate.
Sirius let out a breath. "He's clearly not fine. We've banned the word." Sirius turned and looked at Harry's face directly now. "Harry, how are you feeling this morning? Really, truly feeling?"
Harry broke eye contact and looked down. "I'm kind of numb. I don't know. I don't even want to think about anything. Like I physically feel better because of the sleep, but I mentally can't handle talking about it right now. I know we need to talk about it all, but I just need a few days. I need some distractions."
All three men nodded and Remus spoke up. "That sounds healthy and responsible, Harry. We are proud of you. Please reach out if you need anything relating to that. In the meantime, we can work on distractions. How does that sound?"
"Good," Harry replied, his voice soft yet broken.
Remus' heart broke for Harry. His face softened and he gently said, "Alright. How about we go back to our quarters right now, hm? We can get some lunch together and then you can shower?"
Harry nodded and then looked at Dumbledore. "Thanks for everything, Granddad. Are you going to be around this holiday?"
"Most days, but not all."
"May I come and visit?"
"Anytime, Harry. Anytime," Dumbledore said warmly, his blue eyes twinkling.
Harry got up and hugged Albus before going back to his parents.
"I will see you three later," Albus said, standing up as well.
The men said their goodbyes and then retreated to their respective quarters.
Harry ate lunch and then hid in his room until dinner time, not yet ready to have a conversation with Sirius and Remus. Lucky enough, they didn't push him to talk, either. Harry instead did some reading for the next term as well as his animagus reading for McGonagall.
"Harry, dinner's ready!" Sirius called.
Harry sighed and closed his eyes. He's been avoiding them all day, but he knew they wouldn't let him eat alone. Harry begrudgingly got out of his seat at his desk and made his way to the kitchen table.
"What're we having?" Harry asked, his tone disinterested.
"Spaghetti. Take a seat," Remus said, putting a glass of water in front of his spot.
Harry sat down and took a nervous sip of water. Remus passed out the plates and joined them.
When Harry was little, especially after he was rescued from the Dursleys, they served him. They wanted to make sure that he ate enough and healthily gained weight. By the time Harry was around 9 he was able to serve himself, under the watchful eye of his godparents, of course. Ever since he moved back in with his parents a few months ago they gave him a plate of food that he was expected to finish, or at least eat most of. It was a difficult process for Harry in the beginning, but he has gotten more used to it. Tonight, however, Harry knew there was no way he could finish this.
Harry eyed the mountain of spaghetti and put his fork in, moving the noodles around.
Sirius was busy shoving his face, but Remus, of course, immediately picked up on what Harry was doing. After Sirius had finished his second plate, Remus finally spoke up.
"Harry, I think I've seen you eat two bites of your spaghetti and none of your garlic bread. You had one forkful of your green beans. What's going on?"
"'M just not hungry," Harry mumbled, pushing the plate away.
Remus got up and got another plate. He went over to Harry and put a little bit of the spaghetti and green beans on the plate. "Try to eat this and then we'll give you a nutrition potion."
Harry wrinkled his nose at the mention of the potion but didn't say anything.
Remus started to clear the other plate, but Sirius reached over, trying to steal the piece of garlic bread. Remus slapped his hand away and said, "You've had three. This one's mine."
Sirius stood up to grab it, but Remus got to it first. Sirius pouted, and then Remus kissed him saying, "Now you can taste it, too."
Normally, Harry would've been very amused about the whole situation (and then disgusted because he doesn't need to hear about their snogging details), but he was too in his own head to even acknowledge the exchange between his uncles.
After the kiss, Remus saw Harry staring off into space. "Cub, do you think you can take a bite?" He asked softly.
Harry snapped out of his mind and looked at Remus before giving a quick nod and then putting a bite of food in his mouth. It took him five minutes to have two additional bites of spaghetti and one more bite of green beans, but he ate it. When he finished, Remus quickly gave him a nutrition potion.
Harry hesitated but drank it on Sirius' nudge.
"Thanks for dinner," Harry mumbled, trying to stand up and go to his room.
"Where do you think you're going?" Remus asked loudly to the retreating teen.
Harry sighed, not even bothering to answer.
"Sitting room, please," Remus said softly.
Harry shuffled to the couch and plopped himself down. He knew this was coming.
Remus sat down in his armchair and Sirius sat down next to Harry.
Remus studied Harry for longer than a moment. In fact, it was long enough for Harry to become slightly uncomfortable. "What?" Harry finally asked.
"You're not ready for this conversation, are you?" Remus asked softly.
At first, Harry wanted to snap back and insist that he was indeed ready. instead, however, Harry thought about it and bit his lip. He shook his head and looked down.
Remus nodded and made a small hum, thinking. Sirius looked at Remus rather confused because this is not what they talked about when they mapped out this conversation. Sirius didn't say anything, however, because he knew Remus knows what he is doing.
Finally, Remus spoke up. "We'll revisit this on Thursday when we have our session."
"I still have therapy on vacation?" Harry asked, his mouth agape.
"Just because you have a break from school doesn't mean your mental health takes a break," Remus pointed out.
Harry sighed, knowing that was true. "Ohhkayy," Harry groaned.
"We do have to address one thing right now, though," Remus said, raising an eyebrow.
Harry looked at him confused.
"I know we're not discussing what happened, but I do need to ask you to think about when you left the quarters and stormed out."
Harry opened his mouth to say something, but Remus put his hand up. "I'm going to let you speak first, but I first want you to think about that action for a whole minute. Truly think about it and if it was a safe choice. I'll tell you when the minute is up."
Harry huffed and put his chin in his hands. He did think about it and by the time Remus told him his minute of thinking about it was over, Harry looked up with a slightly shameful look on his face.
"Sorry Dadfoot and Moony Da. I shouldn't have stormed out. That probably wasn't the best," Harry admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Cub, I was so worried about you," Sirius said, putting his hand on Harry's shoulder.
"I didn't mean to make you worry. I just needed to get some air. I needed-" Harry sighed and turned away, not ready for this.
"Cub, that's okay. We don't need to talk about it right now if you're not ready," Remus reminded him softly.
Harry nodded and bit his lip again. He took a deep breath and turned back to his parents.
"I just wanted to go over that one thing before the rest of the vacation. We had to make sure we could trust you as your parents so you could be on your own for these next few weeks and also that we are respected as your parents," Remus said.
Harry nodded, understanding. "What about my wand?"
Remus and Sirius exchanged nervous looks.
"Now what?" Harry asked.
"We'll check in after Thursday," Remus said, slightly apologetic.
"What? You're wand grounding me? Why?!" Harry asked angrily.
"We're not wand grounding you, Harry. Not at all. I just want to see how you're doing. Besides, you're clearly exhausted. You don't need your wand for anything and we want your magic core to restore itself," Remus explained.
"It's like a muscle, though!" Harry argued, "I used it for midterms, and using it makes it grow stronger!"
"But just like a muscle you use for Quidditch, you can overwork it and hurt yourself," Sirius reminded Harry.
"But!" Harry exclaimed, starting to rebuke them. However, he shut his mouth at the looks on Sirius and Remus' faces. "Stupid bloody magic core," Harry mumbled under his breath, pouting.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Do you need to go have a conversation with Albus about magical cores? I'm sure he can give you an extensive explanation," Remus said.
Harry shook his head quickly. He has heard about his magical core from Albus before after each time he fought Voldemort. However, he knew that if it was requested by his parents the discussion would be much more in-depth.
"I didn't think so. Now, besides us talking on Thursday, is there anything else you want to talk about?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head again.
"Alright. Well, if you want to talk earlier, you know where I'm at," Remus offered.
Harry nodded.
"Okay, Pup, you're free," Sirius said, extending a hand out.
Harry stood up and made his way to his room, not bothering to look at his godparents. He wasn't very angry, but just feeling drained. Remus was able to pick up on this, but not Sirius. As soon as Harry shut his door, Sirius put up a silencing charm and said, "What is his problem?"
"Besides the fact that we have his wand?" Remus asked dryly.
"Oh, well, yeah.." Sirius said, deflating.
"He's not that angry either, he understands. He's still tired, Pads, and seems drained. I won't be shocked if he falls asleep," Remus told him.
Sirius nodded in response, thinking.
"Come on, let's get back to grading, we're almost done," Remus encouraged him, not wanting Sirius to go too deep into his mind.
Sirius nodded again absentmindedly, but Remus put a gentle hand on Sirius' arm, breaking him out of his thoughts. Sirius shook his head like a dog and gave Remus a smile and a kiss before they both got back to grading.
Harry did indeed fall asleep while he was reading ahead for History of Magic. Sirius and Remus found him in his bed, the book still open. They both carefully took care of him. Sirius removed the book while Remus transfigured his clothes into pajamas and carefully moved the blankets so they were over him.
"Goodnight, Harry," they whispered, kissing his forehead.
Unfortunately, Harry did not clear his mind due to falling asleep unexpectedly. He woke up in the middle of the night, Sirius by his side.
"Pup, Pup! You're okay, it was a nightmare. You're safe," Sirius said, rubbing the troubled boy's back.
Harry caught his breath. He instinctively leaned into Sirius, letting his godfather's scent wash over him. Harry didn't say anything but regulated his breathing by following the rise and fall of Sirius' chest.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asked gently.
Harry shook his head, but at the gentle squeeze of his shoulder, he sighed. "Voldemort again. He isn't happy tonight. It wasn't a vision-" Harry added quickly at Sirius' face. "I just get worse nightmares when he's unhappy."
"And I don't think of Tom as a particularly cheerful person," Sirius said dryly.
"Uh, no," Harry said.
"What happened?" Sirius gently prodded.
"Voldemort killed my family and friends, after torturing them. Then he chained me up." Harry said, his voice devoid of all emotion.
"Pup, that sounds terrible. Don't try to fight how you feel about it," Sirius told him.
"It's just easier this way. I hate thinking about it." Harry said, still unblinking.
Sirius was torn. Part of him wanted to get Remus because this was rather concerning, but he tried one more time. Sirius made eye contact with Harry and said, "Harry James. Let yourself feel. Relax. You are safe here."
Harry's lip began to wobble, but he hadn't started crying yet.
"Relax," Sirius whispered gently in Harry's ear.
That was it. Harry cried silently into Sirius who held him close and reassured him. "Let it out, Pup. I'm here. You're safe. We're safe. You're okay."
"Thanks, Dadfoot," Harry said when he had stopped crying. "'M sorry you're all wet."
"Next time you apologize I'm going to agumenti you! I don't mind. I love you, Harry."
"I love you too," Harry murmured and then yawned. "Has anyone else told you that you're a good pillow?" Harry asked tiredly.
Sirius smiled and kissed Harry's head. "You just rest, Pup. I'm here. You're safe."
Harry nuzzled in, but Sirius looked down and saw his face.
"Close your eyes," Sirius told him softly.
Harry did as he was told and very quickly fell asleep. Sirius stayed there until Harry woke up again a few hours later. "Da'foo'?" Harry asked tiredly, sleep in his voice and eyes.
"Shh, you're okay Harry," Sirius said, helping Harry to his pillow.
"'Tay here?" Harry mumbled, his eyes closed again.
"Of course, Pup," Sirius said, smiling. He popped into Padfoot and curled up next to Harry.
Harry and Sirius slept until 10 am when they both dragged themselves to the kitchen.
"Didn't know if you were going to wake up," Remus teased them.
"Just make us breakfast, Moony," Sirius grumbled.
"What's the magic word?" Remus sang.
Sirius let out a very colorful word in response.
"That's certainly not 'please', but I think I need to get you food before you bite my head off," Remus said, clearly amused.
Sirius growled and snapped his jaw at him.
Remus chuckled and went into the kitchen, dodging Sirius.
Harry just sat at the table tiredly and was grateful when a cup of tea was placed in front of him. He sipped it gratefully as Remus started to whip up breakfast (the elves had a vacation for breakfast and lunch, too).
"Rough night?" Remus asked lightly, looking over his shoulder.
Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I guess you could say that," Harry admitted, mumbling.
Remus came over to Harry and set a plate down in front of him. "I"m here if you ever want to talk about it," Remus offered with a genuine smile.
"Thanks, Da," Harry said grabbing a piece of bacon and eating it, deep in his thoughts.
Harry stayed in the Marauder Quarters until around 2 when he ventured out. He made his way down to the potion lab and walked in. He was very surprised to see Draco there.
"Is Professor Snape here?" Harry asked, walking into the room.
"No, he's running an errand right now," Draco said, looking up from the potion he was making.
Harry sighed and leaned against the cold dungeon walls. "Darn, I wanted to make a potion."
"Why can't you make one?" Draco asked, confused.
Harry shifted back and forth uncomfortable. He brought a hand to the back of his neck and said, "Uh, well, I'm just supposed to have a professor with me, that's all."
Draco found that odd, but unlike his self from a year ago, he didn't say anything about it. He had noticed some odd behavior in regards to Harry and decided to file this instance away for future reference. Instead, Draco asked, "Why do you want to brew a potion?"
"Just to keep my hands busy," Harry replied.
"You can help me," Draco offered. "I have some ingredients that need to be cut."
"I'm good at that," Harry said, walking toward Draco. Besides the years of potion-making, Harry had a lot of experience chopping, dicing, and mincing ingredients from his time at the Dursleys.
Harry went to where the potions knife and ingredients were and read the instructions before starting to dice them up. "Why are you here?" Harry asked.
"Professor Snape told you that I had 100 potions to make and I'm still making them," Draco said matter-of-factly.
"On vacation!?" Harry asked, flabbergasted.
Draco gave a dry chuckle. "Yes. I just want to get the mandatory ones over with. I don't mind brewing them, but I don't like to have something over my head, you know?"
Harry nodded. "It's the worst."
It was quiet for a minute before Harry spoke again. "Why are you here at Hogwarts and not home?"
Now it was Draco's turn to shift uncomfortably. "I'll be with Uncle Sev now indefinitely."
"Is it because-" Harry started before Draco cut him off. "Potter, I'll answer your questions but think before you say something stupid."
Harry shut his mouth and did just that. He didn't want to hurt Draco any more than he already has been. Being the Gryffindor he was, Harry probably would have said an obvious statement that would have been reckless to Draco's feelings. It was a few minutes later when Harry spoke again after piecing things together.
"It's hard having your family reject you. It hurts. I know it does. Uncles are great, but if you ever get, I dunno, lonely, you know where I am. I might not be in your shoes, but I understand and I'm here to listen."
Despite his warning about not saying something stupid, Draco still fully expected a borderline hurtful question to come out of Potter's mouth. Instead, however, Harry said something that was nice and insightful, catching Draco off guard. "Thanks, Potter. I appreciate it," Draco said, staring down at his potion.
"Course," Harry replied, working on his task
They brewed for another 30 minutes, finishing this potion and starting another one. They were silent most of the time but occasionally chatted.
"Wow, Potter, I'm impressed. You actually are good at preparing ingredients. How did this happen?"
"I had a lot of practice when I was little," Harry said, wanting to leave it at that.
Draco was able to connect the dots but didn't say anything. He knew that Harry felt uncomfortable talking about his aunt and uncle. He again was filing information for later. His file on Potter was getting quite large in his mind and he knew he would approach him eventually about it all.
About twenty minutes later, Snape swept through the door. "Mr. Potter! Do your guardians know you're here?"
"Sort of, Sir," Harry admitted after a particularly ferocious look.
"Sort of. Well then, I think we need to take a trip back to your quarters."
"Sir, it's alright-" Harry started to say.
"Come now, Mr. Potter," Snape ordered, leaving no room for argument.
"Yes, Sir," Harry said rejected. He set down the potion knife and mumbled something to Draco before heading out the door, the potion professor on his heels.
Draco didn't say anything that whole time, but the small curious part of him was burning to find out more. Draco decided that he would find out on this vacation what was going on with Potter if it was the last thing he did.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
