To Die, To Sleep*

"Right I'm off to bed," Matthew said as he tapped his pipe out into the ashtray. Marilla thought afterwards that they were lucky it happened in the house and not out in the fields, but it was bad enough as it was. She heard a sort of strangled, "arrgh" coming from Matthew as he sunk to the floor on his way to his bedroom. "Matthew! Matthew!" she ran to his prostrate form laying like a sack of potatoes in his bedroom doorway. Unable to revive him Marilla panicked and called an ambulance. Lights flashing and siren sounding it had appeared as if in a dream, red and blue lights illuminating the landscape eerily. Two paramedics burst into the house finding Matthew cradled in Marilla's lap as she willed him to live. In her shock Marilla was reluctant to relinquish his care to their tender mercies and they had to rather roughly manhandle her away to save their stricken patient.

Hovering anxiously at the edge of the room Marilla watched them perform CPR then hook him up to all sorts and load him on a gurney. A kind paramedic offered to let her ride with them to the hospital. Unsurprisingly Rachel's lime green Volvo followed the ambulance up the lane, and she appeared to tell Marilla that she would lock the house and ring Anne. She helped Marilla pack a few necessities, listening to her gabble away in her panic without much comment. She watched as Marilla climbed into the ambulance to sit on a little stool and watched her brother struggle for life.

After Marilla dazedly signed the necessary consent forms Matthew was rushed into surgery. Anne arrived in a rush bringing the scent of a snowy night into the room with her and they embraced before Marilla filled her in and they hugged each other tightly and sat in the corridor fretting. Occasionally one made a small comment about the time passing or what might be happening now, but for the most part they sat in stunned silence. It had all been so quick; one moment he had been reasonably hale and hearty, the next out flat on an operating table. Matthew had always suffered from a weak heart, but they thought it was under control. Now he was under the knife undergoing a protracted bypass operation. The doctor had explained it to them; it was a risky, reasonably new procedure but Matthew's only chance at survival.

The mood shifted as they remembered the day prior and now Anne and Marilla sat in stony silence. They had argued and if Matthew hadn't collapsed it was doubtful they'd be in the same room now. Both women were studiously ignoring each other yet darting quick glances back and forth until they finally picked the wrong second and found themselves looking at each other.

Anne spoke first, "I haven't been here since that time with Gilbert remember, when our braces got locked together?"*

Marilla laughed briefly, "how could I forget? The sight of you both locked in that lover's embrace, I didn't even know you and Gilbert were that close."

"We weren't really. We were just a bit drunk and we had a quick kiss. It went on a bit longer than we anticipated."

"About three hours longer."

"Mm hm," Anne giggled. "Never been so happy to see wire cutters in my life. I suppose I caused you no end of worry," she added.

"We-ll it's true to say I slept easier when I heard the front door click when you arrived home after a party."

"I never knew you could hear it." Anne thought back to all those nights she had taken her shoes off at the door and crept noiselessly up the stairs. Marilla had known all along, "you never said anything."

"Rachel advised me to pick my battles. Even I don't like fighting all the time."

"Do you want some coffee?" Anne asked. "I'm just going to get one."

After she set a cup into Marilla's outstretched hands, she continued their conversation, "but you've had enough to say about Roy," she was thinking back to the previous day's fight.

"Yes," Marilla sighed then sipped her coffee, inhaling its spicy aroma as she collected her thoughts, "Anne, Roy reminds me of a boy I used to go out with."

"You used to go out with a, a boy?" This was news to Anne who thought Marilla wasn't that way disposed.

"Don't look that way Anne, I had a whole life before you joined us."

"No, I don't mean that, I know you did. It's just I never really thought you liked men…"

"Oh that, um well I suppose one might say I wasn't always this way inclined and I suppose the reason I am is due in part to him."

"Tell me about him, what was his name?"

Marilla laughed mirthlessly, "his name. Well his name was Jean Pouce. It means John Thumb."

Anne blushed, "thumb? I hope it wasn't suggestive of..."

Marilla raised her eyebrows, "well anyway Jean was a bully. I didn't realise it until much later, but he liked to put me down and then blame me for it."

"Gaslighting," suggested Anne.

"Hm?" said Marilla having never heard the term before.

"When someone blames you for something they did, it's called gaslighting. Typical bullying behaviour, I'm afraid."

"Yes, well even though I'd never heard that term that is what he did. He took a job that I should have gotten and later he made it look as if I was complicit in his deceit.

"Deceit?"

"He embezzled money from the company and made it look as if I were involved," Marilla explained.

"Oh no!"

"So that was pretty much the end of our relationship. In fact, I never heard from him again."

"Marilla," Anne was aghast. "He was your boyfriend and he used you that way?"

"Yes, and I'm not saying that Roy will do that to you, but there are some things you've said that worry me."

"It's different these days," Anne said petulantly. "Times have changed. We're equals."

"So long as that doesn't mean you do all the work and he just lays around enjoying himself."

"No of course not. I mean, um, not all the time…" Anne trailed off. If she were being completely honest, sometimes he did do that. Roy would bang on about how they were a partnership but all that seemed to mean was that she bought her own dinner at restaurants she couldn't afford. He'd explain it saying, "I don't want to demean you by buying you dinner," and then he'd order another bottle of expensive wine.

"All I'm asking Anne, is does he make you feel special?"

Anne went to answer her flippantly but at that moment someone else entered the room. If questioned later Anne could recall the moment she decided to dump Roy; Marilla sitting next to her sipping her coffee, the low buzz of the fluorescent lights, the antiseptic smell of the hospital with its scuffed walls, and her realisation that really Roy never did make her feel like the one.

Marilla started laughing out of the blue. "What? What?" Anne asked completely confused.

"Oh," said Marilla tears running down her cheeks. "I just remembered the time you found my ahem - personal toy and you asked why it vibrated."*** Now she was laughing at Anne's obvious discomfort.

"Excuse me," a nurse popped her head in. "Would you mind keeping it down. There are sick people here."

Semi-chastened Marilla attempted to stop but Anne could see her whole body convulsing with mirth. "I thought it was a big lipstick, I tried to apply it," she said her blush rising. Marilla snort laughed and then tried to hold it back in again before blurting out, "excuse me." She ran out of the room through the hospital doors and found a secluded spot to let go her laughter. Unexpectedly Marilla realised she was crying as her emotion got the better of her.

When Marilla eventually returned, she sat back down and apologised.

"Not at all," Anne murmured. "I suppose," she said. "I suppose it wasn't easy for you."

"What?"

"Becoming a parent out of the blue. I haven't helped."

"You've been fine. I've loved every moment of it."

"Every moment?" Anne asked with a smile.

"Well, maybe not every moment. I mean I was a bit angry the time you and Diana pierced each other's ears with a needle."

Anne smiled, "I had asked, and you'd refused. One night we just got the needle out. I thought you'd have been angrier when I dyed my hair green."

"What was the point? You were miserable enough already, what more could I say? You've had your hair cut again I see."

Anne ran her hand over the back of her head absentmindedly, "do you like it?"

Marilla regarded her pixie cut and nodded, "yes, it suits you."


The ICU was stark and brightly lit. Matthew lay completely still apart from the gentle rise and fall of his chest; tubes ran from orifices natural and man-made to various machines which kept him alive. The nursing staff warned them that it would be confronting to see him hooked up. Patients fought the respirator, the doctor explained; so he had been placed in a medically induced coma to let his body recover. The surgery had gone well now there was nothing to do but wait. Marilla had brought her knitting, she sat by his bedside and did just that; thankful to have something to occupy her. She and Anne took it in turns to sit vigil, murmuring words of comfort to each other before dashing home for some much-needed sleep. Rachel kept the pantry stocked so that when either one returned home there was food in the fridge to hastily reheat in the microwave before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Nurses came and went performing tests, checking his monitors and writing the stats on his chart. "He's doing fine," one said to Marilla with a small smile. When she left Marilla straightened his sheets and brushed his hair, bending down to whisper to hang in there. Matthew was unresponsive.


Matthew had woken from his coma but was still in the ICU. Anne and Marilla had told him what had happened, and he agitatedly apologised for causing them concern. After telling him not to worry, they got him resettled.

Hospitals are noisy Marilla realised one afternoon. Announcements over the tannoy, code blue, red, gray etc, staff coming in and out to perform tests, check on patients, bathing, meals being delivered, visitors coming and going; it never ended. She had always supposed they would be places of calm, but nothing could be further from the truth. She longed to get Matthew home to the ever-peaceful Green Gables where she could nurse him herself.

Matthew gave a great hurrumph and coughed, his whole chest rumbling and straining. Marilla looked up suddenly. A nurse entered and checked his vitals. She smiled at Marilla and murmured that he was doing as well as could be expected. Marilla left the room for a few minutes; she needed the bathroom and a drink. He was awake when she returned, looking somewhat inundated by the bed. Summoning his energy, he licked his lips and fumbled at the sheets his work-worn fingers looking grubby against the stark white. "Do you want some water? Marilla enquired. She wiped a drop off his stubbly chin afterwards then Matthew closed his eyes and slept. Marilla watched his chest rise and fall.

"You've always been so good to me," Matthew said out of the blue.

"We've cared for each other," Marilla replied soothingly.

"Couldn'ta done it without you," Matthew reiterated. "Anne?"

"She's on her way. She had an exam this morning, I told her to come across later. Unless?" Matthew looked at her. "Unless you're planning on going somewhere."

Matthew smiled, "no I'm staying right here, Mar. Not goin nowhere."

"Well that's good then, we need you. Get some rest now. When you wake, she'll be with you," Matthew obediently closed his eyes and let himself drift off.

Marilla woke with a start at a noise outside, when she looked up, she saw Rachel's head craning in the doorway, "Oh, I didn't want to wake you, I do apologise. You don't look very comfortable there, they should give you a better chair." Marilla stretched her aching muscles it was true it was not very comfy. She was reminded of the chairs they sat on when they first met Anne all those years ago. Her neck was particularly sore, and she rubbed it to ease the knot that had formed. Rachel came over to give her neck a massage and the sensation of those warm firm hands was particularly welcome. "You go wash up and get some breakfast," Rachel offered. "I'll mind him."

Marilla looked up at her with gratitude, "are you sure?"

"Of course," Rachel reached out her hand to help Marilla to her feet and then said, "shoo. Off you go." Marilla walked off stomping a bit as the blood returned to her feet. After she had freshened up at a bathroom basin and bolted down a bit of food and a coffee at the hospital cafeteria, she felt far more human and ready to face another day by Matthew's bedside. "Any change?" she asked Rachel when she returned.

Rachel appraised her and said, "there you look human again. No, he's resting peacefully. Has he woken at all?"

"He did briefly, last night he opened his eyes and looked around then fell asleep again," Marilla explained. "We even had a short chat."

"That's good, that must have made you feel better. Like he's on the mend."

"I hope so," Marilla sighed.

"Just think Marilla, if he'd been born one hundred years ago, he probably wouldn't have made it."

Marilla shivered as if someone had walked over her grave, "please don't, Rachel. I can't bear to think of losing him," tears welled in Marilla's eyes as she pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose. "It was just the two of us for so many years, I can't imagine my life without him."

"I am sorry, of course. I shouldn't have said anything," Rachel smiled at her and patted her hand.

"No, it's alright, I mean the same thought has crossed my mind. We are so lucky to live in a time when medical miracles can occur. This surgery sounded quite incredible." Marilla described what they had done, Rachel was suitably impressed and looked at Matthew in amazement. "And all for free?"

"Yes, that too. It's wonderful."


Matthew was deemed well enough to be moved to the general ward, a large room he shared with three other patients. His bed was surrounded by a curtain to afford him some privacy, but they could hear movement beyond. A fluorescent light flickered out in the corridor just close enough to bother the periphery of her vision. Marilla got up to adjust the curtain and wondered if it annoyed Matthew in his slumber. She held his old thin hand carefully avoiding the drip cabling. He looked old, old and frail with a grey pallor to his cheeks. Matthew may have always been unobtrusive but never quite as quiet as now. It had been a long time since she had really studied her brother, he had been a constant in her life forever. There whether she needed him or not. "Have you really loved anyone?"

He opened his eyes and she realised with a start that she had spoken out loud. Licking his lips uncomfortably he made a thick rasping sound. Marilla reached over for the glass of water on the bedside table and stood up to help him. He cleared his throat again and nodded sounding easier now. "Just one," he said wistfully.

"Who?" Marilla asked wonderingly. Matthew always seemed disinterested in people of either gender but when she looked at him, he had fallen asleep again.

Anne was there when Matthew next woke in the dim room. He smiled at her broadly, his girl whom he loved more than life itself. Anne was reading, she was shocked to see him staring at her when she glanced up from her book. "Well good morning there," she said.

Matthew smiled, "morning. Is it morning?"

Anne glanced at her watch, "it's five fifteen, definitely morning."

"The cows will be gettin' restless," Matthew commented.

"Not to worry, Marilla has it in hand."

Matthew sighed, "I miss it."

"The first golden rays are sneaking over the horizon illuminating the frost blanketing each blade of grass," Anne said softly describing a sight Matthew had seen every day of his life. "The stock have made dark green tracks in the frosty pasture on their way to the milking shed," she continued. "Their breath condenses in the cold air in great clouds." Matthew lay back picturing the images Anne described to him, feeling that he was back there in familiar surroundings instead of stranded in his sterile hospital bed. Anne continued until well after he had drifted off to sleep again. She yawned when she ran out of words and leaned back to rest herself.

Rachel came to visit him the next afternoon. They found her a spare chair and they all sat around his bed, "how do you feel Matthew?" Rachel asked.

"Like I just went ten rounds with Cassius Clay," Matthew said drowsily.

"Muhammad Ali," Anne corrected him quietly but no one took any notice.

"I'm sure you do dear," Rachel said in commiseration.


Fall passed in glorious display of crimson and golden colours until the first snow buried the leafy carpet and still Matthew was laid up. "Tell me," Matthew would ask Anne and ever the wordsmith she would describe Green Gables in intricate detail, pointing out features he'd walked past without ever noticing, "low hanging shafts of sun catch the dew drops hanging from spider webs creating dainty filigrees suspended in the bare branches." He could close his eyes and picture their dainty work, something he'd never really taken any notice of in times past. He marvelled that she could bring it to mind so effortlessly now. She told him about the cross hatching of ice in a bucket or the smell of freshly fallen snow and the way falling snowflakes danced in the wind backlit by the backdoor light; like ballet dancers conducted by the wind, or about the piles of snow on the outdoor furniture looking like feather cushions.

Matthew had always adored how Anne could weave a story out of nothing and never more than now. She could turn a dull grey bed-bound day into an adventure. Naturally, she had her own life to lead and he knew he had to let her go live it, but he did love it when he saw her beautiful red hair appear around his bedroom door. He and Marilla had long run out of things to talk about, but Anne was full of news of outside and when that dried up wove new stories to amuse him.

One cool early spring day Matthew was finally strong enough to venture outside again. Leaning on Anne and Marilla's shoulders they shuffled him through the front door and helped him sit on the porch bench where he could enjoy the sight he had missed for so long. Green Gables was stretched out before him waiting for the moment he was strong enough to rejoin it.


* Hamlet, William Shakespeare

** This sounds like an urban myth, but in fact it did happen to a boss of mine. She and her boyfriend were kissing at a party and their braces got entwined. At first their friends just thought they were rather involved, but eventually they had to take them to hospital to get separated. My boss said her mother didn't know she was going out with the boy until that moment. Awkward!

*** Another true story, my eight-year-old daughter did this to me. Very uncomfortable conversation.