Chapter 10
"We are sun and moon, dear friend; we are sea and land. It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is: each the other's opposite and complement."
― Hermann Hesse, Narcissus and Goldmund
They were almost to the front doors of her apartment building when Booth reached for her arm, letting his hand slide down until he could grab ahold of her hand, pulling her back toward him.
"Wait," he begged, looking around. The night was still. It was late enough that the open walking mall her apartment complex sat on the edge of was empty, but not too late, not so late that he needed to deliver her up to the door of her apartment as planned. "Let's just...walk for awhile, if that's okay, you know, I'm not really ready to…" He paused letting out a loud huff of a breath. "Can we just walk for a bit?"
"Yeah, yes," her slight smile, warm and reassuring, greeted him as their eyes darted across one another trying to connect, "of course."
They stood there for a minute, he was still holding her hand loosely, fiddling with her fingers. It felt like they were caught in some kind of relationship purgatory. Partners, which they'd always been. Best friends, territory they were reclaiming more every day. And this new state, teetering on the edge of more than friends. Smoke released into the universe in some kind of ritual from Booth's youth made this a state they toyed with, but made no definitive moves toward. It hovered just beyond their reach. They were in a holding pattern.
Looking down at their hands, he saw his, large and strong, rough. Hers, hers were soft but sure and deliberate, and he couldn't let go. They stood there for a minute, in the dark of the night, crisp air swirling around them. He was anxious about something, she could tell, and his nervousness left her with a sense of unease.
Old fashioned lampposts lined the mall and cast pools of yellow light on the wet cement. Wrapping his hand firmly around hers, he tugged, pulling her toward the open mall. There were things he wanted to talk about, needed to talk about, but he didn't know exactly how or where to start.
In her nervousness she sought for a way to break the silence. "You should bring Parker swimming sometime." Booth chuckled.
"It's still pretty cold out to swim, don't you think?"
"The pools heated, Booth, and they keep it covered until the weather stays warm."
"I guess I think of swimming as a summertime thing, you know, long hot lazy days, cold beer, barbecues, big warm towels baked in the sun." Sometimes the way she looked at him nearly stopped his heart, full of trust and wonder, that was the innocence he saw from early on in their partnership, and he knew it wasn't something she allowed everyone to see. He knew it was for him, that he was one of the only ones who got to see that look. That meant so much to him, that she trusted him like that. He wanted to hold onto the moment, keep it. "You know that feeling when you're in the pool too long and you get kinda cold and then you get out and lay down on the warm pool decking, right on it, and the heat makes the water around you warm, that's a good feeling, right? That's summer." She chuckled soft and low. Booth was sentimental about the oddest things, but she loved that about him, seeing the world through his eyes was one of her greatest pleasures and, if she was being honest, her greatest frustrations.
"Well, whenever you're ready to swim." He nodded, letting the quiet settle back between them.
Something flip flopped between them after that blizzard. Looking back on it, it seemed to him that since Hannah left and up until that day, it was all Bones, well, mostly Bones. She was the one that pushed them forward or maybe just held them together. She stayed with him at the bar that night, took him home, checked in on him the next day. She stood by him, in front of him, protecting him when people, especially Sweets, wanted to invade his space and push him. And when more than a couple days went by without seeing him, it was her that asked him about meeting for lunch or grabbing a drink after work.
But after the blizzard she, backed off wasn't right, she didn't back off, she didn't back away, more like she let him step up and take the lead. And when he took the lead he pushed her, he needed to, for him, he needed to see where they were, where she was. It was necessary, he knew that, but in some ways he regretted it, because it felt selfish, he felt selfish. After everything she deserved his trust and the way he pushed her, God, he remembered the flash of hurt in her eyes when he told her she was no better than the scientist that swore the sun revolved around the Earth. She didn't flinch, though, she stood firm, not by resisting him, not by denying him, but in the way she tried to make it work, tried to find a rational explanation for what he saw in Nepal, or didn't see, he still refused to tell her either way for sure.
He looked over at her, catching her just as she pulled her gaze away from him.
"I...uh...I feel like I owe you an apology, Bones."
"An apology?" She sounded surprised, a little confused, nervous.
"Yeah, you know, 'cause I've been a little…" Booth took a long uneasy breath, "hard on you...these last couple cases." She was already nodding in agreement, which told him she'd felt it, felt him push her.
"You don't need to apologize."
"I do...I mean...I want to…I didn't mea-"
"Booth, we push each other, it's one reason we are such a good team. My science, your gut. My brain, your heart. I push you to be more rational. You push me to follow my heart, accepting the possibility that there is more to life than being right." There was a sparkle in her eye, an understanding, a wisdom that completely captured him. "Although, I might not admit it, and most certainly would deny it if you were to ever bring it up amongst our colleagues and friends, I believe our success is in large part due to our extreme difference in perspective. We -
"Complement each other."
"Yes." She looked so alive, so confident and sure. This, this was what attracted him to her, this is what he saw when he stepped into that lecture hall on the American University campus, saw her for the very first time, and challenged her. Speaking again, she broke the silence that lingered between them. "Are you familiar with the chinese concept of yin and yang?"
"Yeah, of course, the little black and white curvy things on necklaces." She rolled her eyes, he flashed a knowing smile.
"The concept permeates the philosophy of Tao. On the surface they look like they're opposing forces, contrary in every way, but they're actually complementary and interdependent. They appear opposite but are in fact one, indivisible."
Bumping her shoulder lightly, he caught her attention, locking eyes.
"That's us." Smiling, she agreed.
"You don't have to apologize. You never have to apologize for that." He gave her a nod.
"Still," He took a deep breath, his mind already racing forward.
They fell back into the quiet of the night, letting the sounds of the city fill the gap in conversation. He caught her hand again, holding it, swinging it lightly between them as they walked together. With every step she found her heart picked up speed. This was new territory for them, these steps between friendship and more. And while she knew that holding hands could be defined as an act of friendship, along with countless other border activities they'd engaged in in the past, this felt different. This felt like more.
They hit the edge of the walking mall, stood there for a second, and turned back without saying a word. Yin and yang, one, how many times did they act in concert without even acknowledging it. It was so natural for them. So they walked in quiet contemplation, stealing glances at one another.
"There's more," he spoke softly, pulling her attention back to him. "You know, when we got back...here...to DC, I...I was...we didn't really ever, you know, talk much about your time in Maluku, I mean bits and pieces, here and there, but I'd like to know more abo-"
"You want to see the album." Blunt, to the point, that was his Bones. "You want to see the letters." His heart nearly stopped, letters, God, there was more than one. He stopped walking, closed his eyes momentarily, and cleared his throat.
"Bones, you didn't write or call or...why? I mean I know you said the phone was only for emergencies but I had no way to contact you, you knew that, we talked about that, I was waiting for that address or a phone number, anything. I thought...I mean you wrote, that letter means you wrote me, but I never got anything from you. Did you send something? Did it just not get to me?
Her anxious heart pounded loudly in her chest, her mind actively recounting the night he proposed to Hannah, his drunken rant, the horrible sense of pain she heard in his voice that night. They never talked about it, not what was said or what went unsaid between them, they just moved on, like it never happened. And while she knew eventually it would have to be discussed she couldn't help but worry about where this conversation would lead.
"They were nothing, Booth, really nothing."
"They wouldn't have been nothing to me." His voice was quiet, low and deep, but it echoed through her in a loud and powerful way. "They would've been something." Shaking her head emphatically in protest, she felt his hand tighten around her own. He wasn't going to let her go, not in any way, not this time.
"No. No, they were inconsequential, a simple recounting of daily events, not what I wanted...not what I needed to say. And when I finished writing them, each and every one of them, I just couldn't send them...I...I...I threw them away."
"Threw them away?"He looked hurt, hurt and confused.
"Yes." Her eyes fell closed. "Yes. I wouldn't have them at all if Daisy hadn't pulled them out of the trash."
"Daisy?"
"We shared a tent for most of the dig, she swears she didn't read them but it wouldn't have mattered if she did. They were nothing."
"I...I don't understand. Why?" It fell from his lips, desperate and pleading. "Why?"
She shrugged, hesitant and nervous, afraid her answer wouldn't be enough, feeling helpless to change the past. Then took a long deep breath and started walking again, he followed in step.
"I knew, Booth, I knew I was wrong...I...I knew. I already regretted it."
"Going to Maluku?'
"No." She jumped to correct herself. "Well, yes and no, Maluku…" She took another long deep breath. "Maluku was...that's not what I regretted." He caught her eyes, looking deep into their troubled depths.
"Us?"
"Yes." Her eyes searched his, looking for something to hold onto, something that told her that they were indivisible, that somehow their interdependence would save them, that he would understand her reasoning.
"When? When did, you know, when did you start regretting that?"
"Immediately." Her voice was quiet. This was new territory for them, she was opening herself up, leaving herself terribly vulnerable by sharing but it was a calculated risk, one she was willing to take. "When we danced at my high school reunion. When I went to dinner with Andrew and all night long I just wanted to be with you. When Catherine gave you that tie."
"Bones." He stepped closer, reaching for her other hand. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Her weight shifted, back and forth, an outward expression of her insecurities. He watched as her head fell in shame.
"Nothing had changed, I...I...I hadn't changed. I was still me. I was still-"
"Scared. You were scared."
His hand, warm and comforting, came up to cup her cheek. He was so close she could feel his breath, hard and fast, as it blew across her face. His thumb stroking her cheek lightly, and without consciously choosing to, she felt herself lean into his palm. Raising her chin, she ventured to look up at him and in that moment she knew he heard the heartfelt confession she offered up to his bedroom door the night Hannah left.
She nodded into the palm of his hand as he wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her into his chest. Cradled loosely in the safety of his arms, she continued to talk. This was better, it felt safer and she didn't have to watch the cascade of emotions fall across his face.
"I went to Maluku because...because somewhere I got lost in you. I needed to find myself, my strength, to stand on my own again. And it was working, I was gaining perspective, facing my fears, on my own. There were times where if I was here in DC, here, with you, I would have been afraid, I...I would have let you save me, but, but you weren't there in Maluku to pull the snake out of the jeep or face down armed militia, I had to do those things for myself, like I used to, before you, before our partnership, before us."
He was getting uneasy, she could feel it, everything she said seemed to be leading away from him, not toward him. Gripping tight fists full of his shirt, she pulled back, leaning away so she could see his reaction.
"But something happened I didn't expect, the stronger I got the more I wanted to be with you, the more I felt ready to take that risk. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how. I wrote letter after letter, but I didn't know how. I was strong enough to want it, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do it. When we got called home early I promised myself I'd tell you and when I saw you, oh my God, when I saw you, when we hugged, Booth, I was going to tell you, I was ready, but, but, you told me you met someone and -"
"You asked if it was serious." She nodded. "And I told you, as a heart attack." He pulled her back into his chest, his arms wrapped firmly around her, one hand on her back, the other held her head tucked under his chin, his lips pressed a firm kiss on the top of her head. Talk about a ridiculous comedy of errors, that was them, that was their story. "If I had known, Bones, I swear to God, if I had known I would've waited for you, no matter how long it took, I would've waited."
"I know. I know." Taking a deep breath she pulled away and started walking again, her apartment complex wasn't too far away. Turning to catch his gaze, she tried to explain. "I just wanted you to be happy, Booth, you deserved to be happy and if Hannah could do that fo-"
"I don't want to talk about her, this, just, she's not you, she could never, you were always the standard, Bones, always my standard. I was wrong about her, I was wrong about a lot of things."
"We both were." On that they could agree, both nodding, both feeling the weight of so many missed opportunities.
"But, not anymore, right? This time's different, we're different. and this time we'll-"
"Go for a different outcome," she added with a smile. He stopped abruptly, pulling her back the couple steps she'd gotten ahead of him. Cupping her cheeks in his hands, he leaned in, two hearts racing, lips brushing lightly, teasing, before connecting in a single lingering kiss. One to her lips, then one to her forehead.
He didn't walk her up to her apartment that night, he couldn't, the temptation to stay was too much and he knew they needed to take their time with this. One more chance, he reminded himself, one more chance to get it right. The universe had been very generous to them and he wasn't going to waste this chance to fix things, to set them right. So, he said goodnight at the doors to her complex, watched her walk in, waved as the elevator doors closed before turning and walking back to the SUV.
It was late the next day when a courier arrived with a package for him from the Jeffersonian. They didn't have a case, he wasn't expecting any evidence or records, or paperwork. It was from Bones, a padded envelope, and when he opened it, he smiled, bound together with twine was a small stack of letters each addressed to Sergeant Major Seeley Booth.
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A/N: I wanted to thank all of you for your continued support, for all the wonderful messages both about the story and personal, for the follows and favorites and time put into reading, and for your patience. I am both flattered and humbled.
Also a special thanks to Faithinbones for her help with this chapter. There are a lot of parts of season 6 I am just not a huge fan of, oddly enough, in contrast, some of the episodes are my series favorites, so there's that. These few episodes right after the blizzard episode are not on my list of favorites. I was having hard time understanding Booth's actions in those episodes, which was putting a serious snag in writing this chapter and she really helped by offering up a different point of view.
And, as always, thanks to Snowybones for her constant help, support, advice, and friendship.
I don't know about you guys, but I have found so many good friends through this fandom. I can't imagine my life without some of these people!
Anywho, I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on this chapter. What did you think of their conversation? Her explanation for the lack of contact between them? Her regrets reaching back to the steps of the Hoover? What do you think will be in those letters? Will they be as empty of meaning as she thinks they will?
Until next week, much happiness and love,
DG
