"My name is Draco Malfoy—I work in International Magical Cooperation," Malfoy said, gripping the thick steel bars of the cell. "Let me speak to my department head."

A potbellied guard in drab brown robes lifted his gaze from a newspaper. "No can do, guv. I'm to keep you here till the bigwigs decide what to do with you."

Harry spoke next. "Never mind him—I'm the bloke who offed Voldemort, twice. Do I look like the sort to dabble in demonology?"

The guard's eyes flicked to Harry's forehead. "That's above my paygrade to figure out. Uh, with all due respect, Mr. Potter."

Sighing, Harry sat on a bench bolted to the wall and pondered his recent tendency to end up behind bars. Aside from Malfoy, who was still gripping the bars as if intending to wrench them apart, his companions were already perched on the hard wooden surface and staring sullenly into space.

He glanced at Tony. "Care to give it a try?"

"Huh?"

He jerked his chin toward the guard. "You work in a neighboring department, right? Maybe he'll talk to you."

Tony's cheek twitched. "The gent has no reason to know me, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. It's been over a month since I returned to work, and people are still treating me like a leper."

Malfoy, who was about to seat himself next to Tony, froze. "Were you the junior clerk from Administration Services who came down with spattergroit?" Scooting away, he squeezed in at the opposite end of the bench.

Tony sighed. "See what I mean?"

"With a face like yours, it's no wonder," Harry quipped. Turning to address the guard, he waved without rising. "Excuse me, mate. If you aren't going to tell us anything, could we at least get something to eat? I haven't had a bite since last night."

The guard glanced morosely at a clock on his desk. "Hang in there. Someone was supposed to send down food half an hour ago."

"I see the Ministry is still useless where it counts," he remarked, causing the guard to shoot him a dirty look.

"Can you please stop picking fights?" Cedric raked his hand through his limp hair. "This is bad enough as it is."

"Fine." Harry pulled out his canteen, stuck it between his knees to unscrew the cap, and took several long gulps. Seeing everyone's gaze fixate on him, he raised his eyebrows. "Something on my face?"

The guard stood and narrowed his eyes. "Where did you get that?"

"Er... had it in my pocket the entire time," he said. "I like carrying provisions in case I get arrested and starved."

Stepping up to the bars, the guard eyed the canteen. "The Aurors would've confiscated anything dangerous, I s'ppose. Alright, no harm in letting you have a drink."

"Cheers."

Harry passed the canteen to his cellmates, and not for the first time, mentally rummaged in his malletspace for something to eat. Unsurprisingly, more food hadn't spontaneously come into existence; the only remotely edible item was a bag of gag chocolates. Sighing in resignation, he materialized it and ripped it open with his hand and teeth.

"I'm not going to question why a grown man is carrying around sweets if you share," Tony said, extending his hand like the moocher he was.

Tossing a couple of bite-sized chocolates into his mouth, Harry considered the ravenous gazes of his cellmates, and deciding he didn't like his chances of fighting off three men, proffered the bag.

"This is Muggle-made," Malfoy said, eyeing the bag with distaste. "Are you certain it's sanitary?"

"More for me," Tony said, taking a generous palmful.

"Harry," Cedric said, accepting some, "is it just my imagination, or are these shaped like penises?"

Tony brought his palm level with his face and guffawed. "Holy shit. They've got veins and everything."

"Always knew Muggles were off their rockers," Malfoy muttered.

"Not like Cockroach Clusters are a shining example of confectionery," Harry said, crunching on the nuts inside the chocolate with relish.

"Anything you want to tell us?" Tony said. "You know I'll support you no matter what."

Snorting, Harry rested his back against the wall and ate another handful. "These are just leftovers. We have this beautiful tradition, Sirius and I. Every Christmas and Midsummer, the Azkaban wardens allow prisoners to receive parcels. We send a bag of this very special chocolate to every convicted Death Eater along with a note that says 'eat a bag of dicks'." The others' stunned silence tasted more delicious than the creamy goo in his mouth. "And the best part? They do. Savoring every last chocolaty wiener with tears in their eyes."

Malfoy sprang to his feet. "My father would never stoop so low!"

Harry startled a little. "Shit, I forgot your old man was serving time. No hard feelings, eh?"

"You forgot? Forgot?" Malfoy glowered. "Need I remind you that he switched sides at great personal sacrifice? Promise not to taunt him again!"

He scratched his cheek. "Gee, I mean I could, but are you sure? Imagine being cooped up in a cold drafty cell, barely large enough to lie down straight, with Dementors as your only company. The food's the same bland shit every day, and it's so gloomy all year round you might as well forget the sun exists." Leaning in Malfoy's direction, he lowered his voice. "Wouldn't you be tempted by a delicious nutty sweet? A rush of sugar to ward off the despair even for a minute? Just one little dick... No one would have to know..."

Blood suffused Malfoy's cheeks, and with a bellow, he lunged. Harry scooted back along the bench, raising his arm to protect his face. Malfoy got a couple of punches in before Cedric and Tony pulled him away.

"Break it up, you lot!" The guard waddled up and rapped his stubby wand against the bars. "I'll Body-Bind you if I have to, don't think I won't!"

The inmates exchanged glares before slumping on the bench. Tony and Cedric crammed themselves into the middle while Harry and Malfoy perched on the opposite ends.

Eyeing the heavily breathing Malfoy, Harry rubbed his sore cheek. "For all you know, they could be looking forward to our packages."

Malfoy's fists clenched. "Don't talk to me."

"Perhaps old Lucius's days are a little brighter because he gets to nibble on a—"

"Would you shut up?" Cedric exclaimed, raising a hand to restrain Malfoy. "I know they're convicts and all, but this is beyond petty."

"I'm just saying," he murmured. "Doing a public service here."

Cedric gave him a warning look, and Harry went quiet as he munched on more chocolate. Several minutes passed in silence, tempers cooled down, and the guard returned to perusing his newspaper.

Having eaten as many penises as he could stomach, Harry put away the bag and licked his sticky fingers. Catching Malfoy's eye, he grinned. "Oi, don't get your wand in a knot. I'll owl your old man a bottle of Firewhisky as an apology."

"I suspect you'll soon be on the receiving rather than the sending end," Malfoy said darkly. "Better stock up on those idiotic sweets, Potter, because unlike my father, you won't be getting out."

Harry's grin faded. "Say what now?"

"In case you forgot, we're here for trying to summon a demon. A lifetime in Azkaban isn't even the worst-case scenario—they might just reinstate the Dementor's Kiss for you." He grimaced. "Us."

"It won't come to that, though, right?" Tony glanced around. "They'll figure out they got the wrong guys and let us go."

Malfoy shook his head. "Aurors investigate a site of a demonological ritual in the middle of nowhere, and we just happen to wander in? I'm surprised they aren't interrogating us right now. The laws against demonology are ancient and harsh."

"How harsh are we talking, exactly?" Harry asked.

"Let's just say they would've been within rights to summarily execute us. No one's amended those laws in centuries—there just was no need."

"I knew it, I knew I should've gone home," Cedric moaned. "Just so you know, I hate you guys."

"The feeling's mutual, I assure you," Malfoy said.

An uneasy silence descended as each of them was left with their own dark thoughts. Harry drummed his fingers against the bench and stared through the bars.

"This smacks of an attempt to frame me. Probably some fanatic looking to avenge their Dark Lord." He couldn't help glancing at the opposite end of the bench.

Malfoy met his gaze. "Recall that we're on the same broomstick, Potter."

Frowning, Tony turned to him as well. "Come to think of it, you were the one who got us drunk on that crap, weren't you?"

Malfoy bristled. "What are you insinuating, Goldstein? Come out and say it."

The standoff was broken when the door to the room opened letting in a pair of Hitwizards: a burly older man with a ruddy complexion, and a rail-thin youth who nevertheless had a stripe on his sleeve that Harry assumed indicated higher rank.

"You're relieved," the youth said with nary a glance at the guard. His beady eyes surveyed the inmates. When they landed on Harry, a bucktoothed grin appeared on his face. "How the mighty have fallen... There were always rumors about you indulging in all sorts of unnatural things, Potter, but your heroics always eclipsed those... until now. Not even you can weasel your way out of this."

Harry's eyebrows rose. "Right... Am I supposed to know you or something?"

"Theodore Nott," Malfoy said in a bored tone. "No wonder you don't remember—he's no one important."

Nott's face soured. "I expected better from someone trying to turn over a new leaf, Malfoy. Well, it was only a matter of time before you got your dues."

"Is that supposed to mean something?" Malfoy drawled, inspecting his fingernails.

"You'll see." Nott perched atop the desk, the grin reappearing on his ratty face. "Have patience."

Harry could've sworn Nott's partner gave them an apologetic shrug before proceeding to stare into space like a man well used to long, boring shifts. Nott himself produced a ridiculously ornate pipe and began loading it with tobacco from a tin, pausing occasionally to grace them with a superior look.

"Wasn't this twerp a Voldemort sympathizer?" Tony whispered.

"Nott's just an opportunistic blowhard who enjoys throwing his weight around." Malfoy made a face. "Although he does know a thing or two about Dark magic. Always had an obsession with it, if not much talent."

Harry scooted closer to avoid being overheard. "I don't like this. Locked up without wands, no one telling us a thing... Feels like those times back at Hogwarts when you just knew something bad was about to happen." He screwed up his face, then burped loudly. "S'cuse me."

"You sure it's not just gas?" Tony joked, but it fell flat.

Cedric gazed down at the hands clasped in his lap. "I didn't want to say this because it sounded stupid, but I've had this sense of... wrongness ever since we got here. But what can we do except hope for the best?"

Harry scratched his nose. "We could break out." Wincing at the outcry, he raised a palm. "If Malfoy's to be believed, the next thing to enter through those doors could be a Dementor, and we'll be lucky if it's only to take us to Azkaban. I saw Fudge order Sirius's execution on the spot with my own eyes, and while Scrimgeour's less of an idiot, he is more of a ruthless bastard."

"They're bound to give us a proper trial," Cedric said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. "It's not wartime anymore."

"Well, you're welcome to stay and test that theory." Harry glanced at Tony. "It's not you I need to convince anyway."

Tony chewed on his lip as he regarded their guards. "I'd rather get punished for jailbreak later than get snogged by a Dementor now," he whispered at length. "I'm with you."

"You're delusional," Malfoy scoffed. "Only those keyed into the wards can open the bars, and then you'd have to fight Hitwizards wandless."

"Ah." Tony's face fell. "The bars are a problem. Don't suppose you have anything useful up your you-know-what?"

Harry cracked a smile at the phrasing. "Only my prescriptions from St. Mungo's and a couple enchanting experiments." His duelist's robes were one thing, but a certain pair of unmentionables would've taken too long to explain. "Oh, and that creepy acorn from the dryad."

"No cloak? If only we could get them to open the cell, I'd give them a taste of gorilla warfare."

"Am I the only one who's lost track of this conversation?" Cedric mumbled.

"No cloak," Harry said out of the corner of his mouth. "Damn it. Unless mixing Dittany salve and pain-relieving potions just happens to create an explosion strong enough to break enchanted steel, we're out of luck."

Malfoy snorted derisively. "An explosion. Seriously, Potter?" He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Although, if the potion contains salamander blood, it might cause the Dittany to smoke... A reaction similar to when it comes in contact with an open wound."

Harry's lips stretched into a grin. "Really now?"

Cedric stared at him, then cuffed Malfoy on the back of his head.

"Ow! What do you think you're doing, Diggory?"

"I've seen that look on his face before," Cedric said, "and it never led to anything good."

Malfoy regarded Harry before grudgingly nodding. "I probably deserved that. Would it be too much to ask you not to do anything rash, Potter?"

"I assure you I've carefully weighed our options," Harry said, mimicking his snooty tone. Glancing warily at the guards—Nott was puffing on something that clearly wasn't tobacco with a blissed-out expression—he waved the others closer and launched into a hushed explanation.

"I won't be a part of this," Malfoy hissed when he finished. "Even if this works—which I find entirely unlikely—it'll just make matters worse!"

Cedric bobbed his head. "Running will only make us look like real criminals."

Harry pouted. "This is one of those rare occasions I wish I had Gryffindors with me. Tony?"

His best friend's eyes gleamed. "Let's do this."

Suppressing a grin, he slipped a potion vial and the jar of salve into Tony's pocket. After Tony surreptitiously scooped up a palmful of the salve, Harry reclaimed the jar and gave a terse nod.

"Don't," Cedric hissed, "this is insane."

Heedless, the duo stepped into the middle of the cell and crouched with their backs to the bars to smear a brownish goo across the floor in a crude approximation of a circle. For good measure, Harry sketched some vaguely runic symbols inside it.

"What are you doing?" Nott had pulled the pipe out of his mouth and was scrabbling for his wand.

"The world will burn!" Harry exclaimed. Materializing another potion, he uncorked it with his teeth, splashed it atop their artwork, and tossed the empty vial at Nott. Thick greenish smoke billowed up, making him cackle in delight. "May the fires of hell consume all!"

Standing up, Tony spread his arms theatrically; as his own vial clattered empty to the floor, smoke spewed from his splayed palms. "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh—"

A crimson jet of light launched by the older Hitwizard impacted his chest, cutting the chant. Swearing inwardly, Harry poured his last potion straight into the salve jar, gave it a vigorous shake, and chucked it at the bars. With a shatter of glass, an opaque green cloud belched forth, veiling the cell from view.

"You're too late, fools!" he cried. "The summoning will—achoo—continue while the circle remains unbroken!"

Nott's panicked voice came through the smoke. "Get in there and stop them, Hutchins! I'm sounding the alarm!"

Another crimson jet zipped into the cell, almost hitting Malfoy, who slid off the bench to huddle underneath. "I've nothing to do with this! It's all their fault! It's all Potter and Goldstein, you hear?"

A blaring siren drowned out the yells. Covering his nose with a sleeve, Harry looked around blindly until a rattling of metal broke through the din. He bent his knees in preparation to tackle the Hitwizard, not liking his chances against the burlier, and more importantly, two-handed man. Bloody Tony just had to get knocked out.

A hand clasped his shoulder, making him jump. "I'll handle him," Cedric said in a resigned tone. "Just like old times, eh?"

Striding past, he vanished into the smoke. A few seconds later, there was a slam, a pained grunt, and a heavy thud. Harry extended his hand and edged in that direction.

"Stupefy," Cedric said, crimson flashing in the smoke.

Harry tried to speak, but the smoke stung his throat, making him cough. Cedric re-emerged sporting a wand and hauling Tony's unconscious figure by the collar. A muttered Rennervate, and their accomplice was awake and rubbing the back of his head.

"Hutchins?" Nott called out. "Did you break the circle? Damn it, answer me, man!"

Through the thinning smoke, Harry spied a rail-thin figure by the door that lead out of the room. Hutchins lay inside the cell, just before the open bars.

He slapped Tony's back. "Go, Four Centimeters!"

The Animagus sprang forward, shapeshifting mid-step into a gorilla and bounding through the clearing smoke with a roar.

"D-demon!" Nott screamed, waving his wand ineffectually before Tony rammed him into the wall.

Stepping over the unconscious Hutchins, Harry and Cedric exited the cell while Tony shifted back and grabbed Nott's wand. Blood trickled from the back of the Hitwizard's head, and he wasn't moving.

"Shit, I hope he's okay," Tony said, panting.

Glimpsing movement in the corridor beyond the door, Harry slammed it shut. "Seal it!"

"Colloportus," Cedric said. "Oh, come on—Colloportus."

The door squelched shut. Leaving Tony and Cedric to further reinforce it, Harry went to rummage through the guard desk. He didn't find anything useful in the drawer, but groping around the desk's underside, he came across a lever that ended the infernal screech of the alarm.

Muffled shouts from outside became audible. The doorknob rattled before a boom shook the door in its frame.

"You people are imbeciles," Malfoy said from inside the cell. "What is blocking off your only exit going to achieve?"

"Either help or shut up," Harry snapped, toppling the heavy desk and dragging it across the floor with adrenaline-fueled strength. "Get over here!"

Cedric and Tony scurried behind the scant cover while Harry took up a position beside the shaking door. He glanced at the pale faces peeking from behind the desk; Cedric was wild-eyed, while Tony sported a deranged grin Harry was certain was mirrored on his own face.

A deafening explosion blasted the door off its hinges and slammed it onto the floor. Jets of light streaked through the doorway, causing Harry to flinch and press his back against the wall. An overeager Hitwizard jumped in, caught a Stunner with his face, and slumped back into the hands of his colleagues.

Someone barked a command, and the brown-robes charged in, spreading out to surround the desk. One came so close to Harry, he could see the pores on the back of his neck; he tapped his shoulder, and as the man whirled around, walloped him in the nose. Cedric's Stunner took care of the rest, and Harry scrambled to grab the fallen wand.

With alarmed cries, the brown-robes reoriented on the new threat. Harry's hasty shield fractured under the opening salvo. Too many—too close—

His gaze flicked to the Hitwizard under his feet before a hooking motion of his wand hoisted him into the line of fire. Pushing on the impromptu shield, Harry launched himself into the enemy's midst.

Screams mixed with the crackle of magical energies. Running into someone with a jarring bump, Harry animated the unconscious Hitwizard to shamble around like a well-preserved Inferius before lashing out with point-blank hexes. A Bludgeoner slugged him in the stomach, knocking him into someone; he threw his elbow back, eliciting a pained cry, before bringing his wand to bear on a Hitwitch before him.

Before he could hex her, his legs turned to jelly, and he dropped to his knees with a yelp. An invisible force wrested the borrowed wand out of his fingers. The Hitwitch pointed hers between his eyes.

He lurched forward and grabbed a fistful of her robes. Meeting her startled gaze, he grinned and vanished them.

His jaw sagged. Before his eyes swayed a pair of pendulous breasts, their creamy tops peeking out of a lacy black bra. His gaze inadvertently swept down a flat stomach to the matching knickers, skimpy ones, with a little white bow on the front—

He blinked at the ceiling, his surroundings abruptly silent. Tony hovered over him, pressing a wand into his palm. To their right, Cedric huddled behind the battered, slightly smoking desk.

He pushed himself up. "How long—"

"Careful," Tony said, holding him down. "After your stunt, we knocked the grunts out, but they called in the Aurors."

Harry peeked over the top of the desk, taking in the unconscious Hitwizards scattered around the room and the translucent shield across the doorway, behind which clustered a group in red robes. As if on cue, a stern female voice rang out.

"We're authorized to use lethal force! You have one minute to come out with your hands up!"

Malfoy edged out of the cell, waved his hands above his head, and weaved through the bodies toward the exit. "I surrender! I'm not resisting, it was all them! Please, I have a wife and—and pets!"

"Good job!" Tony yelled. "Keep distracting them!"

Malfoy nearly tripped, halting to glare over his shoulder. "I wasn't trying to—I swear—"

"All of you come out in a line! Thirty seconds! This is your last warning!"

Malfoy contemplated the Aurors behind the barrier, then the trio behind the desk. Letting out an impotent growl, he scampered back into the cell.

"This isn't looking good," Cedric said, brushing aside the hair matted to his forehead. "Let's do as she says."

Harry took a steadying breath. "It can't be helped. I'll use that."

Tony opened his mouth, then closed it and nodded. "So be it."

Cedric's head swiveled between them. "What are you on about?"

"Haven't the faintest," Tony said cheerfully.

Cedric groaned. "You two are bonkers."

"Just watch," Harry said, failing to smother a smile. He inhaled deeply, then sprang to his feet and thrust his arm out. "Infinite—fuck!"

Ducking to avoid an electric-blue lance, he frantically patted down his smoldering hair. With heavy-booted footfalls, the Aurors streamed into the room, and only Cedric's timely shield saved them from getting blasted to gory bits.

Tony's wand blurred, and a roar came as the broken door became a lion. "Stop goofing off and use—whatever it is!"

"It's rude to interrupt someone calling their attack," Harry said, sticking his hand out above the desk. A bundle of red lace materialized in his palm and brushed it softly before flapping away.

A crackling green spiral smashed the shield, and Harry raised another, but not before a flurry of hexes knocked Cedric down. Leaning over him, he dispelled what he could, breathing easier when Cedric came to with a cough.

Confused voices rang out, and the barrage dwindled. Flashes of spellfire persisted, but it was no longer aimed at their position. Last came the exclamations of alarm and barked orders.

"Burn them!"

"—too dangerous indoors—"

"Don't vanish—mmph!"

A pair of lacy knickers fluttered overhead like a giant butterfly, causing Cedric and Tony to turn and gape. Grinning, Harry peeked out in time to witness a bearded Auror get buried under an avalanche of red fabric. Two of his colleagues fought on valiantly, but the room was swarming with knickers, and each Vanishing Spell, each Impediment Jinx only grew their number.

His grin widened as a red-robed witch cut a swath through the panties only for them to multiply and swoop down to envelop her in a silky cocoon. The last Auror cried out, his wand spewing spell after spell, until he too fell to the floor gagged and wrapped up to his neck.

"That's that," Harry said smugly. Seeing Cedric lift his wand, he pushed it down. "Careful. Hit any knickers, and you'll get buried too."

Rising with a groan, he went around dishing out point-blank Stunners. Soon the Aurors were sleeping soundly, each swathed in bright red undergarments. Countless more pairs fluttered idly in the air, spreading a floral scent of fabric softener.

"Okay, I'll bite." Tony gestured vaguely. "What, exactly, is this?"

"They're women's knickers. Not something you get to see very often, I gather." Harry chuckled when Tony flipped him the bird. "I've been curious about Weasleys' multiplying fireworks, but they wouldn't tell me what enchantments they used, so one day when I was bored, I decided to have a go at recreating them. Some knickers this weirdo stalker keeps mailing me just happened to be on hand, one thing led to another... Sirius's face when he walked in on me and I said I'd been 'experimenting' was priceless, let me tell you."

"I thought I was hallucinating," Cedric murmured, nudging away a pair of unmentionables that got in his face. "So what next?"

"Next we get our stuff, go back to Grimmauld, and put it under the Fidelius," Harry said.

Tony raised a finger. "Or we could go to my flat and take any of the three international Portkeys I've strategically hidden around. Have a little holiday in the tropics until this blows over."

"Three hidden Portkeys?" Cedric said. "Who even does that?"

"Someone who understands how fragile the veneer of civilization is," Tony said somberly.

"Our stuff first," Harry reminded. "Can you find your way around here?"

Tony shook his head. "Never needed to go as deep into the DMLE as the holding cells."

Pursing his lips, Harry turned toward the cell to see Malfoy cowering under the bench. "Malfoy? Any clue where our wands might be?"

"You lunatics didn't hear it from me, but try the evidence vault." Malfoy pulled himself up onto the bench and folded his arms. "I'm staying here like a good law-abiding suspect, thank you very much."

Harry and Tony exchanged a glance, then leveled their wands at him.

Malfoy scowled and stood up. "I loathe you people."

They crept through the corridors with great care but encountered no further resistance. The cubicles in the Auror Office were deserted as if there had been no more on duty besides the four they had taken out. The lock on the evidence vault did give them some trouble, but between them, they managed to spell it open, and Harry was soon holding his wand again.

"Ahh." He sighed in pleasure as it spurted white sparks.

Cedric and Tony had similar, albeit less vocal reactions. The latter also got his hands on a sooty book from the same locker as their wands and was perusing it curiously.

Malfoy stared at his wand with a conflicted expression before sighing and picking it up. Harry tensed, taking half a step back.

"I suppose I'm a fugitive now," Malfoy said morosely, rolling it between his fingers.

Harry clapped him on the back. "Chin up. Sirius Black used to be one, and look at him now."

Malfoy didn't appear comforted but nevertheless followed them down the corridor to the Apparition platform through which they had been brought in. Back in possession of their wands, they moved more confidently and again reached their destination without incident.

Malfoy immediately stepped into the circular chamber and spun on the spot. He did a funny little wobble and bent over clutching his head. "Blocked."

Not willing to trust his word, Harry attempted to Disapparate himself, only to smack into what felt like a brick wall.

"Fuck," he said feebly. "Is it because of the alarm?"

Tony's face was pale as he said, "Our only way out is through the Atrium. The wards cover everywhere else."

"They'll be watching the lifts," Harry said. "Sneak up the stairs?"

Malfoy shook his head. "There are no stairs."

"What about fire safety?"

Malfoy gave him a blank look. "Fire safety?"

He sighed. "Lifts it is."

They doubled back, skirted the deserted cubicles, and trooped into the hallway leading out of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. As the lifts came into sight, causing everyone to quicken their steps, a door with a plaque proclaiming it Wizengamot Administration flew open, and an ashen-faced man barged out. He took several steps toward the lifts before realizing he had company.

"Who are you people?" he demanded. "Haven't you heard?"

Tony jostled his way to the front. "I've come to deliver my resignation."

The man's eyes bugged out. "Goldstein? Weren't you down in the—"

"Stupefy," Tony said.

Lowering the wand he had raised, Harry hurried past the slumped-over man. Tony took a moment to kick him in the shin before following.

"Always wanted to do that," he said to the unasked question.

They piled into the leftmost elevator. Cedric took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Harry pressed the button for Atrium. The double doors clanged closed, and a pleasant tune started playing. He whistled along unconsciously.

Cedric slammed his fist on the wall. "Please tell me you have a plan."

He grinned and fingered his wand, his heart pumping. "No plan survives contact with the enemy. We'll improvise."

"Just get me past the checkpoint," Malfoy said tersely, facing the door. "You owe me that much for going along with your lunacy."

The lift stopped, and the doors slid open revealing half a dozen Aurors and twice as many Hitwizards behind them, their ranks bristling with extended wands. Harry's jaw dropped and all thoughts of battle fled his mind.

"Drop your damned wands!" ordered a baldie—Robards, Harry recalled—his wandtip alit with an unformed spell.

Unwilling to part with his wand again, Harry dematerialized it and raised his hand. Tony didn't comply quickly enough and was smashed into the back of the lift by a trigger-happy Auror.

"Hold your fire!" A towering black man squeezed through to the lift, his casual blue robes distinct among the sea of red and brown. "Potter, have you gone insane?"

Harry blinked. "Kingsley? Long time no see, man! What are you doing here?"

"The Head Auror called me during dinner saying you were responsible for the biggest magical disaster in decades." Kingsley shook his head. "I couldn't believe what I was hearing, yet here you are, trying to break out."

"No, I meant..." Harry racked his brain. "Last I heard, you weren't an Auror anymore."

Kingsley gave him an odd look. "That would be because I was promoted to head the DMLE."

"Seriously? Congratulations, mate." Kingsley didn't appear particularly happy, so he added, "Er, Mr. Shacklebolt."

Kingsley stared at him as if trying to gauge his seriousness. "That was over a year ago. Enough. Get out, and no sudden moves."

"I keep telling people I'm not keen on politics," Harry murmured as the four of them were marched out at wandpoint. Several Aurors rushed into the lift, presumably to secure the level they had ascended from; he considered warning them, but someone shoved him forward, and he spitefully held his tongue.

"Search and disarm," Robards barked.

Harry smiled pleasantly as the Aurors waved their wands over him again and again without result.

"They're clean," a red-robed witch said.

Kingsley nodded. "Now, the only reason you lot aren't on a boat to Azkaban is that we're in the middle of an unprecedented crisis. The Ministry of Magic hasn't had to deal with a demonic incursion since the Middle Ages, and we're woefully underprepared. I intended to appeal to the ICW for help, but the Minister objected on the grounds of what that would do to our reputation." He fixed the four with an expectant stare. "This is where you come in."

"Huh?" Cedric said.

Robards harrumphed. "You summoned the thing, so you must know how to send it back. If you cooperate, we might consider... leniency in your punishment." His face contorted as if it had physically pained him to say the words.

Harry laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, haha, good one. You guys are making it sound like there's an actual demon on the loose." Met with stony expressions all around, he gulped. "Er... no shit?"

"None whatsoever," Kingsley said gravely.

"Then... then someone must be trying to frame me!" He gave Kingsley a pleading look. "Surely a veteran of the second war like you can see that."

Robards tapped his wand against his calloused palm. "Are you denying your involvement?"

"Bloody right I do!"

"Then how do you explain the Priori Incantato of your wand matching the traces at the summoning site?" Robards said. "Same goes for you three."

Cedric raised his hands pleadingly. "Please, Auror, that's impossible. I wouldn't know where to start—hell, I didn't even know demons actually existed!"

Harry bobbed his head. "Drunk out of my mind or not, there's no reason why I—why any of us—would up and decide that summoning a demon was a swell idea."

"Uh, mate..." Tony held up the sooty book he had filched and spread it open around the middle.

Harry squinted at the yellowing pages. Among paragraphs of illegible blocky handwriting stood out a faded ink sketch of a naked woman. A naked woman with coiled horns, leathery wings, a spade-tipped tail, and shapely legs that tapered off into hooves.

In other words, a succubus.

He sucked in air through his teeth. "Well, crap."

"What is it?" Kingsley demanded.

He didn't meet his eyes. "I'm not talking without my lawyer."

"You have one on retainer?" Malfoy whispered hopefully.

"Nah, just seemed like the thing to say."

Robards jabbed his wand at Harry's chest. "Either you do as you're told, or we ship you off to Azkaban until your trial—and don't expect it to take place any time soon."

Deeming Kingsley more reasonable, Harry turned to him for support but was met with a cold stare.

Malfoy spoke up. "I—we want a full pardon."

Robards whirled on him, allowing Harry to breathe easier. "Out of the question!"

"It could be arranged, provided you're successful." Kingsley raised a palm to stall his underling's objections. "Only Minister Scrimgeour has that authority, and he's working on damage control with the Muggle PM right now, but if you exterminate the demon, you'll have my support when the time comes."

Malfoy nodded slowly. "I would like that in writing, Mr. Shacklebolt."

Cedric goggled at him. "Don't tell me you're actually thinking of fighting a demon! Are you out of your bloody mind?"

Malfoy pursed his lips. "We aren't exactly spoiled for choice. For the record, I still deny having any hand in this summoning."

Harry found himself nodding in agreement. If the mythical succubus looked anything like the picture, he wasn't opposed to seeing her in the flesh. And, really, how dangerous could a single horny hottie be?

Robards eyed them suspiciously. "If you so much as think of running, I'll personally hunt you down."

Malfoy twitched but didn't speak.

Kingsley breathed a relieved sigh. "With this out of the way, we can start dealing with the main issue. We've set up a temporary base of operations in Wiltshire to track the demon's movements. There is only a little time before..."

The lift doors behind pinged open and an Auror rushed out, harassed by floating knickers. Approaching his boss, he spoke in hushed tones.

Robard's eyes bulged out. "Did you just say they were wrapped in—"

"Knickers, sir." The young wizard gulped under his superior's glare. "We tried to free them, but Cresswell got trapped for her trouble, and I barely escaped myself. The office is filled to bursting with those things."

"I didn't call it 'Infinite' for nothing," Harry said proudly.

"You again!" Robard's glower didn't bode well. "Undo this, Potter, immediately!"

"Er, about that..." He smiled weakly. "I haven't quite figured out how. The good news is, the enchantments aren't stable, so they'll dissolve in an hour or two if you don't feed them any more magic." He grabbed the knickers that were persistently rubbing the young Auror's cheek and put them away, earning a grateful glance.

Robards seemed to be on the verge of an apoplectic fit. "Exactly when we need every wand we can muster! Potter, so help me—"

"Stand down, Robards," Kingsley said. "We can deal with the underwear problem later. Prepare a Portkey while I extract Unbreakable Vows from these four."

The Head Auror's jaw clenched so tight Harry could hear his teeth grind. "Yes, sir."

"Unbrea—" Malfoy spluttered. "You can't coerce us, that's illegal! I know my rights!"

Robards stooped to growl in his face. "Wizengamot's minutes away from granting the Minister emergency powers, and you can rest assured he'll approve any actions his former Department takes in defense of the realm. Your rights ended the moment you stepped into that summoning circle."

Harry muttered, "I hate this country sometimes."