A/N: Hello Fanfiction Community, I am happy to finally be posting something worthy after countless revisions but would also like to make a respectful request. I don't have much tolerance for intolerance and though I recognize we all hold various beliefs and value free speech, I kindly ask that If what I write offends, that you find a story more suitable to your own tastes in this wonderful fandom. Isn't this why we all read and write fanfiction? To create universes as we see fit? I truly value feedback but not when tarnished by homophobia. End of rant.
And now, back to the world of wolves :) A longer chapter, this one. And in my usual fashion, we'll travel to the past to provide insight on current events. I know it's been a long time, but I truly hope to hear back from you readers. Your reviews make my manic OCD in producing solid writing material worthwhile. If you get a little confused, the last chapter of Seasons of Change should provide some clarity, and if not, reach out…I'm happy to answer any question as long as it doesn't give too much away :)
Chapter 7
"I don't know how," he admitted self-consciously, flushing in embarrassment; but was too amused by her look of shock to regret outing himself willingly.
"Why?"
Ryan was reserved by nature, but found it extremely difficult to deny her when she stared up at him with those beautiful hypnotic eyes of hers, brimming with curiosity.
"I didn't have anyone to teach me when I was a kid"
And curiosity twisted into a look of sadness, touching him greatly. The concept of imprinting left him feeling all kinds of perturbed. The cult-like devotion…the compulsive pull it seemed to evoke on both ends and the disturbing realization most imprints matured into romantic pairings were just a few of the reasons why .
Akeimi was only a child…and a precocious one at that. A little too smart for her good, if you asked him. And in the short amount of time they'd known each other, Ryan had learned she was tenaciously headstrong. But also vastly compassionate, leading to his invitation to her family's Sunday breakfast gathering.
Ryan had struggled to contain the typhoon of emotions shortly after the imprint. He'd barely made peace with becoming a wolf and realizing his dreams of returning to the ring were dead; had been grappling with the fact he'd be forced to interact with Paul, when wham...it'd been enough to push him over the edge. Cheveyo had been rightfully cautious, but Ryan had been incapable of seeing reason when he'd removed her tiny hand from his quivering grasp. It'd triggered mind-numbing anger and surprisingly, it was her father who'd served as the voice of reason.
But so had she…her anxious expression had been enough to make him pause. Ryan had dutifully sat through Cheveyo and Ethan's long speech about imprinting. His eyes roaming towards her father's in silent apology, over his behavior. But Lahote had been nothing but empathetic. And what the remorseful wolf failed to realize was that her father, though slightly sad over having to make room for him in his daughter's life, was appeased by the sentience of the bond. And the fact he was Paul's son…well it only made it that more special in his eyes.
Ryan on the other hand, wasn't as assured. He held an innate confidence most mistook for conceit, and knew how to hold his own among the most pretentious people. But he couldn't shake the inadequacy caused by being amongst the pack. There had always been rumors in the reservation concerning Jacob Black's family and acquaintances. Yet they were still highly respected among their people. He'd resented them once upon a time, not for who they were but for what they represented. A social status Ryan believed beyond his reach, and had grown up vilifying in gripe of the unattainable.
He was a child conceived of an affair…a kid scarred by the youth welfare system…an adolescent who'd found acceptance and loyalty with juvenile delinquents, and ultimately a man marked by a criminal past. Not exactly the makings of a distinguished member of the tribe such as Jacob Black. Except nothing he believed of these people was proving true. They didn't make him feel like an outsider even though that's what he unquestionably felt he was. And there'd only been one person who'd surveyed him with the look of distrust he was used to.
Yet Ryan couldn't hold it against her. If anything, he respected her mother's unapologetic distrust. Akeimi was her baby she'd reminded him, so he hadn't taken offense when she'd bluntly asked to know details of his incarceration. Lahote had been appalled by his wife's insensitive probe. "Shye…" had been his sole reply, but the reprimand in his tone had exposed his blatant disapproval.
It'd been an uncomfortable conversation to say the least but Ryan had held his own. Though he suspected he'd have put in work to earn her trust. He guessed it was his own unapologetic stance which rubbed her the wrong way, but Lou, and by extension boxing, had taught him countless valuable lessons. Each knockdown, whether in the ring or in life, held a lesson waiting to be learned, he'd told him. So he had to believe each of those mistakes held purpose. The trick was getting back up with greater hunger and drive, and Ryan tried to live by those words. He couldn't undo those costly wrong turns, but was determined to do better; if not for himself, than for the people who continued to stand in his corner.
And Akeimi, though too young to understand the circumstances around his tainted past, appeared determined to join that small circle of people. Her insistence in getting Ryan to accept her grandfather's invitation to stay in their home had eventually worn him down. Ryan had been adamant at first...Solace was unmistakably close to Paul and the offer had felt like a setup. But Ryan couldn't deny how much he enjoyed the seclusion of Solace's home and Isis's nurturing nature. The unrestricted access to Akeimi was an added bonus, and it beat staying at the group home.
It wasn't like the compulsive draw which seemed to plague some of the other imprinted wolves, but he did enjoy her company greatly. Her curious and bold nature reminded him of the girl who'd captured his boyish heart so long ago. There was much he still didn't understand about imprinting and couldn't for the life of him figure out what he could possibly offer Akeimi, a child so rich in love and support. But he was intrigued by the concept and undoubtedly by her. Even now, Ryan could see the wheels in her young mind turning…her face crumpled up in deep thought over what he'd shared.
"My daddy taught me. You can bowow his bike so Pa can teach you…he's your papa now... "
And Ryan remembered what it was he appreciated most about kids. They weren't bound by decorum…they cut to the heart of things without the BS. But the truth of his paternity was an open wound; raw and gaping and his resentment felt too deep rooted to overcome. Yet Ryan refused to blemish Akeimi's opinion of him, which was clearly in high regard, choosing to answer with a small smile instead.
Paul had deliberately remained inside Jacob's home since arriving, trying to provide Ryan some much needed space. Their relationship had progressed from one of blatant hostility to one of intentional indifference and Paul was doing his best to avoid giving him reason to regress. They spent half a day together three times a week. It was mostly a one-sided conversation on those days…Paul tried to impart vital knowledge of life a as wolf and Ryan pretended to ignore him, but Paul could see the slight narrowing of his eyes, much like his own did, when contemplating a thought.
Paul used those opportunities to learn as much of him as their time allowed, and the similarities didn't end there. Ryan had a short fuse, but was nowhere as prone to the hot-blooded outbursts Paul was known for. In fact, his show of indifference appeared to be his greatest arsenal. He was also an avid reader, seemingly carrying a paperback book everywhere he went. And that detail had sent a pang of hurt to his chest, knowing it was a trait he'd inherited from his mother. Every bit of fascinating knowledge Paul gained, scrutinized and reviewed in the hours of dusk in his solitary cabin.
Even now, he found himself inching towards his former Alpha's porch as he followed and analyzed the conversation outside; his chest clutching with remorse at hearing Ryan's raw confession and then at Akeimi's reply.
How he loved his little peanut…
The imprint filled him with a pride and joy Paul wasn't sure he'd earned the right to feel. But it was there none the less…a growing affection for a kid he barely knew, yet desperately wanted to. And fear… a foreign feeling for the audacious wolf, but he couldn't shake the trepidation in his heart as he crossed the threshold of Jacob's front door. It was a gamble he wasn't sure worth taking but risked it anyways. Ryan's posture stiffened at his approach but kept his place on Jacob's front yard. Paul leaned against the front door, a countering smirk to the wide gap-toothed smile greeting him.
"I was only a couple of years older than you the last time I rode a bicycle. Ryan needs someone with more experience. You should teach him peanut…"
Her eyes widened in excitement, glazing with doubt as she turned to await Ryan's response. And he didn't disappoint, a timid smile adorning his handsome features, before giving a cautious reply.
"Only if your parents don't mind…"
A reply, made out of respect for Shye's distrust. Her initial suspicion had angered Paul, but he was coming to understand the innate protectiveness generated by the bond of parenthood. Wasn't this the exact reason he was insulted on Ryan's behalf? These brewing feelings were intense but Paul couldn't bring himself to regret any of it. The tiny seed of hope budding at the pit of his stomach was taking a life of its own; stemming into dreams for the future he was too fearful to voice aloud.
Akeimi rushed into her great grandfather's home, four faithful small paws trailing her every step, mirroring her excitement; her brand-new bike discarded on the front lawn, in her rush to acquire her parents' approval. Paul chuckled cheekily, his eyes traveling across the yard inquisitively. Ryan understood what Paul had done…he'd cleverly secured him time with Akeimi, but he wasn't ready to voice his gratitude just yet, conceding a slight nod of appreciation instead. But it was enough for Paul, choosing to silently return inside his old Alpha's home, and leaving the young wolf outside to contemplate much…
Sin ti no me va bien, tampoco me va mal
Pase lo que pase no te voy a llamar
Te juro por mami que en ti no voy a pensar
Errores como tú no me vuelven a pasar
His head bobbed in time with the deafening bass as he navigated down the familiar road. His bitterness finding solidarity in the Latino rapper's words. It was a mantra he'd been reciting during fits of longing; a desperate attempt to control the surge of emotions rippling like the tides of Second Beach. A daily battle he'd grown used to fighting, just not under the scrutiny of his family's watchful eye. His erratic behavior caused them concern, and Ezra was trying his best to placate their alarm. But he wasn't the only one in the limelight, and was selfishly hoping his newest pack brother's woes would steal the spotlight away.
But as he pulled up to his grandfather's home for their traditional Sunday morning breakfast, regret washed over him. Ryan sat statue still on the front porch, his eyes betraying his inner turmoil. Ezra greeted him with a small nod as he walked past, sympathetic to his need for solitude. Why anyone would think he'd want to be there was beyond him, but guessed it was Cheveyo's way of keeping him close. Or maybe it was the imprint rooting him in place. Either way, Ezra commiserated with him in secret, preparing to walk into the lion's den himself.
Isis greeted him at the door, her slender arms reaching to embrace his trim waist. She was surprisingly cuddly for her small stature and truth be told he was a momma's boy. They all were, apart from Raven, who was a daddy's girl through and through. They were a tight crew and arguments in their household were few; but Hawk's departure had left a thick fog of discord among his immediate family.
"We've been waiting for you baby. Jahir arrived over an hour ago"
"You guys should've eaten without me"
And his brother's deep baritone shifted his attention to the other side of the room.
"You know better than that…one empty chair is bad enough"
Lahote carried the weight of his worries on his face, and Ezra was coming to see his brother in a different light. Hawk had always been deemed the sensible one…the sagest of all his siblings. But it was Lahote who was putting his family and pack's needs before his own to deal with the aftermath of their brother's departure. Not to mention his daughter's imprint.
Solace stood to the side, watching the interaction silently; remnants of his self-deprecating habits emerging. His wife…his children…the pack…they were his world. The family he'd always yearned for but never allowed himself to dream possible of obtaining. Until Jacob and Paul helped him realize he was worthy and yet he couldn't help but feel he was letting them all down.
He'd handled the truth about Paul's son piss-poorly and it weighed heavily on his conscience. Isis camouflaged her sorrow over Hawk's parting well, but nowhere well enough to fool him. He felt helpless in his inability to make things right for his family and friend. Raven…his beautiful baby girl, who was now a mother of her own. She was trying to be a source of strength for them all. Then there was his fiercely loyal first born…Solace had been so preoccupied with Hawk, he'd carelessly underestimated how deeply the separation would hurt Lahote. It only added to his mounting feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
Solace loved all his children equally but if he were being honest, he'd concede to a special kinship with his youngest twin and last-born son. Ezra's temperament resembled Isis more than any of his kids …tender and sensitive, yet fiercely passionate. And maybe it was this which made Solace all the more fond of him. Seeing him looking so lost and despondent hurt more than he could express. But it didn't hold a candle to the despair birthed over his broken child. Hawk…so alike his own character, yet better in every single way. He held a poise and wisdom Solace admired greatly. Good, compassionate and fair...so undeserving of the shit cards life had dealt. It felt like only yesterday he'd held them all close to his chest. How he wished he could cradle them close against his warmth once again…tiny and innocent yet blissful and safe under his watchful eye. All the things he'd coveted from his non-existent father growing up.
Ezra came to stand by his father's side and the introspective wolf pulled him into a tender embrace; surprised by the fervor of his clutch. Solace leaned in, eager to convey his love and remorse over their family's turmoil. The intimate moment quickly broken up by the sound of Tokola's playful baritone, followed closely by Akeimi's animated howls.
"Uncle Hawk….uncle Hawk…"
Their eyes darted to Jacob's large screen TV, following Tokola's unfocused trajectory on the screen as he videoed what appeared to be a construction site. Familiar werewolves smiled into the camera as Gideon's raucous laughter served as background to Tokola's cheeky commentary.
"And here's the man of the hour folks…"
Isis's loud gasp echoed the sentiment of the room as Hawk's bashful smile came into focus. His eyes sparkling with a sentiment they feared gone. His pride, on full display as he pointed to the various partial built structures throughout the werewolves' encampment. It was a harmonious sight as the working groups waved and grinned as the two wolves walked past. Hawk paused sporadically, providing long-winded details of the devised plans. No one seemed to fully comprehend what he was saying, and the room broke out in laughter as Tokola turned the camera onto himself to share an exaggerated eye roll as Hawk continued speaking about his ideas.
"This is what we have to listen to every day," he whispered in mock complaint and Lahote's eyes glistened at seeing his twin so at peace. A sentiment equally shared by Solace, who cradled his wife close to his side in sheer joy. Ezra was correspondingly moved at seeing his older brother after so many months, but was having a harder time masking his emotions. Tokola's line of sight had shifted to another familiar profile and the young wolf worked to steady the beating of his racing heart as the back of Caleb's head came into focus.
He'd grown leaner…his sculpted muscles glistening with sweat; rippling with each stroke of the hammer in his hand. Ezra berated himself for taking notice of all the ways he'd changed since leaving him behind. His dark hair had grown long enough to hang in a high, messy bun…his chiseled features seeming impossibly more beautiful than he remembered.
"Come on Bob the builder…say hello to the camera"
Hawk chuckled at his own joke and Tokola snickered mockingly.
"More like Tim the tool man Taylor, man"
And Caleb answered with a middle finger salute before gifting the camera a genuine smile. Seeing him so unaffected while he sank in feelings of longing and loss hurt Ezra more than he could bear. All amidst his family's excitement. So, he tuned them all out; including Cheveyo who shared there'd be a mandatory pack meeting later that afternoon. There'd been an important development overseas needing the pack's immediate attention.
But Ezra couldn't focus past the ache in his chest, isolated in all he was keeping inside. The Alpha continued sharing details of the three wolves abroad, but Ezra was a man possessed; not processing what he was preparing to do as he stepped forward with purpose. His voice cracking with repressed emotion as the words burst out of his mouth.
"I'm gay…"
The room stilled and Jahir moved forward in unease at seeing his best friend come out in such abrupt fashion for the second time. The silence was deafening, all eyes on the young wolf with various degrees of confusion, yet no one appeared in the least surprised, minus Koli. Raven jolted forward, wrapping her baby brother in a tender embrace, while whispering how proud she was of him. Her pride turning into blatant anger as she berated the rest of her family for not showing instant support.
"You guys are jerks… can't you see how hard this is for him?"
Isis ignored her hormonal daughter's volatile outburst, making a beeline for her youngest child and taking his much larger hand between hers. It wasn't his declaration which stung, but the timing of it. She was no stranger to brash and reckless conduct. Her youth had been a cyclone of emotions and impulsiveness. So, she understood first-hand the degree of emotion he was carrying, leading to such an abrupt disclosure.
Ezra's mortification doubled by the second. Not only for the impulsive confession, but by the lack of surprise in the room. Clearly, he was the only one not in the know…
"SERIOUSLY? Is there anyone here who DIDN'T fucking know? What about the pack?"
"Oooooohhhhhhhh...Uncle Ezwa said a cus word nana…"
Akeimi's eyes sparkled in mischief as her uncle's cheeks flushed scarlet, which now turned to confront the Alpha. Cheveyo replied with a sheepish grin, uncomfortable with the topic at hand. But it was Koli who wasn't one to be outdone.
"Me, asshole...YOU'RE GAY? How did I not know this?"
And it was Rumor's turn to sass, stealing the spotlight away from a curious Akeimi, who was avidly seeking explanation of the word.
"Because you're you…"
The rebuke, prompting several snickers from the room.
"What's that supposed to mean, Mo?"
"Babe…you're kinda clueless"
Solace had never been one for public displays of affection. But Isis and fatherhood had altered his willingness for vulnerability. He cupped his youngest son's face tenderly, his eyes probing his. As parents, they'd suspected as much, but it had never occurred to Solace that Ezra was struggling with confirming it publicly.
He couldn't possibly think it'd diminish their love for him, could he?
And Ezra replied by hugging his father fiercely, confirming his fear. Solace was floored, but held his son silently; obliterating any doubt of his unwavering support, which was echoed by all present. No one payed attention to the bewildered girl who'd intuitively made her way out to her great-grandfather's porch with her trusted companion at her heels. No one, but the lone wolf who'd been tracking the sound of her small footsteps from where he sat. Listening attentively to every single one of her unanswered questions…
"Why is uncle Ezwa sad?" Is it bad to be gay?"
Ryan released a deep sigh, scrambling for an appropriate response; naïve to her parent's views and completely aware it was a conversation best left to them. The discussion inside clued him slightly, but he wanted to avoid further conflict with Shye. And yet something was compelling him to answer…He didn't want to be another adult brushing her off, remembering his own aggravation as a kid when being left in the dark.
"The word gay means to be happy, to be cheerful, but it's also used to describe someone who is attracted to a person of the same gender"
She'd inherited Jacob's deep furrowed brow, and it was hard to reign in his amusement at the comical look of confusion painted across her face, leading him to explain in simpler terms.
"Boys and girls… as they get older they can like each other, like your mom and dad. They fell in love and decided to get married. Well that can also happen between two boys or two girls"
"Is that bad?"
"No, it's not bad…at least I don't think it is. But some people do because it's different than what is expected. I think your uncle Ezra was nervous about how your family might feel"
"Nancy makes fun of me because I dwess like a boy but my mom says that being diffwent is good…that being like evwyone else is bowing. What do you think?"
"I think your mom is a very smart lady and that Nancy doesn't know what she's talking about"
Ryan couldn't help but cheese back at her wide toothless grin. The moment cut short by the pronounced vanilla scent at the front door.
"Akeimi, it's time to come inside. Please wash your hands before sitting at the table"
Her striking eyes searched his before turning to go, and Ryan answered with a small nod, knowing she'd understand he'd follow soon after. Shye's eyes narrowed pensively and Ryan kept his composure with effort, knowing she'd be in the right to lose it over what he'd shared. But Shye was mostly curious about the young man who'd roared into their lives. He'd taken a liberty he had no right to take, regardless of the imprint…but Shye had to concede respect for the maturity in his response. Akeimi had an innate gift for getting her way but Ryan didn't appear conducive to caving to her every whim as most. An attribute Shye held in high regard. She held his gaze intently for good measure, but chose to only share what she'd originally set out to say.
"Lahote's bike still runs…Wednesdays afterschool would work well for us if you really are interested in learning"
Ryan was stunned silent, managing a soft-spoken thank you before seeing her return to the raucous noise inside. The jaded part of him, the one which knew people disappointed you in the end, resisted the growing camaraderie building for the pack. Maddie, Lou and Gabriel…they were his tribe. They were the people who'd had his back through and through, he reminded himself. And yet once upon a time…
A face he'd loved, yet resented just as fiercely infiltrated his thoughts treacherously, forcing his gaze towards the forest. It would be so easy to find her now, to track her scent… but then what? Three years away hadn't been enough to get past her dishonesty and betrayal. The allure of the life and the people he'd left behind taunted him cruelly. His mind was beginning to spin, his thoughts a jumbled mess. Eyes, ricocheting back to the red-sided house… Jacob's words further disquieting his piece of mind.
You have every right to be pissed…but you also have a choice to make, son. Don't you owe it to yourself to find out why?
Except Ryan didn't care why. Nothing Paul could say was going to make him feel better about the circumstances over how he was conceived. Heat traveled down his spine and Ryan reached for every tatter of remaining control. His body beginning to tremble violently...his breathing deepening as he battled to remain human. Surprisingly, it was Oliver's trippy advice regarding his imprint which now served to help the young wolf.
A set of icy grey eyes arose to the forefront of his mind, and there was no denying the profound serenity her existence birthed. Ryan's lupine ears reached for the sound of her voice…then for sound of her pulsing heart; his own, slowing down to beat in time with hers. And it occurred to him that Jacob was both right and wrong. He wanted to find some form of closure and be capable of leaving his resentment behind. If not for himself, then for her…for the memory of the woman who'd showered him with unconditional love. He did owe it to himself to stay and find out why, even if to only find a way to coexist with Paul.
But Jacob was also wrong…remaining was no longer a choice, it was a necessity. Leaving, just wasn't a feasible option anymore. Not since Akeimi entered his world. There were moments when he questioned the genuineness of his growing affection for the clever girl, and the cynicism in him wanted to distrust the certainty of their bond. But his doubts washed away like tears in the rain, the minute she was near. It was dangerous to get attached but it was the only thing which made sense in his crazy life. A fact too terrifying to think about. She came to the half open door, her eyes penetrating his. He wondered if she sensed his unease, her fidgeting small hands betraying her own restlessness. And like a moth to a flame he followed, trading the incertitude of his thoughts for the tranquility she stirred, as he entered the threshold of her family's home…
The missionaries had spoken of a man…the one son of God, they had called him. Tuari had listened indulgently, never in jeopardy of betraying his own people's beliefs, but his curiosity had been piqued by the stories they told of this man. Jesus…that was the other name, they'd called him. They told stories of the strong medicine he possessed and of the confidence he inspired in men. Well Tuari was a testament to his own people's magic and had witnessed first hand the medicine in his tribe's healers and seers.
No, it hadn't been these stories which had impressed the Aleut pack's Alpha, but the testament of his death. The telling had caused a chill down his spine, and an aching in his chest, for Tuari understood firsthand the fear and solitude this man must have experienced in knowing his own fate. He'd sacrificed his own life for the greater good of mankind…that's what the missionary had said.
Tuari had spent countless nights obsessing over the missionary's words. Trying to muster his own courage and wrestling with the impossible choice he was being forced to make. An end to which he had ample responsibility in the making. And yet he hadn't or couldn't give up his last grain of hope that the vision had been wrong. But the sagest part of him…the inner voice which carried the echo of his ancestors knew better. So Tuari prepared for what he could still control…
Convincing Maska and his sister to keep her pregnancy secret had taken some effort, but his second in command had known he'd never make such a request of him unless it'd been important. Though keeping his own woman in the dark of all that was to come had been the most trying of all. Tuari prayed she could one day forgive his weakness and be strong enough to overcome what lied ahead, for the sake of their son. But there was one last person he needed to see before it all began and Tuari distrusted his ability to maintain composure.
The Aleut Alpha steadied his nerve before entering his father's hut. His lingering mother's scent, a much-needed reminder of why he was choosing to not act on what was revealed. Aguta sat on his late wife's beloved chair and Tuari surmised he'd been expecting him. Trinkets and memories of their childhood spread throughout the hut… his face betraying his sorrow and dread. Tuari would make it quick for both of their sakes…
"If the need arises, you will need to find them both, shelter near La Push. No one must know they carry the Alpha bloodline…And when the time is right, speak to their chief…"
It was vague, but Tuari knew his father understood the significance of what he spoke. The trail of his tears betrayed his impotence and regret.
"Forgive my weakness, my son…"
His words dripped with anguished remorse and Tuari wrapped his aging father in a tender embrace, hoping to absolve him of guilt. It was true, his twin's malice should have been dealt with long before Tuari ascended as Alpha, but a father should never be forced to end their own child's life. And Chikuk would have undoubtedly chosen death over submitting in a fight. How could he judge him over his impossible choice when he was choosing to do the same?
"No, I am Alpha…it is my responsibility. It is my weakness you should forgive…"
They were the last words exchanged between father and son. Words which would haunt the Aleut seer for the remainder of his days…
Playlist
Cut My Lip- Twenty-one pilots
Ride-Twenty-one pilots
Building the Barn- Maurice Jarre
Deep Blue Sea-Grizzly Bear
The Mustard Seed- Hildur Guonadottir and Johann Johannsson
