A/N: A longer chapter, this one. Feels and more feels…both for the characters and for me when writing it. What can I say, it's been a rough month, but my heart thanks you all who continue to read and review. Writing is like a warm blanket on the chilliest of days…
Chapter 9
"Hell no… we're coming along"
Hawk released an exasperated breath, though still empathetic to his pack brother's concern and equally respectful of his stance. Each, a seasoned wolf, but Tokola was the eldest and more experienced of the three. And with their Alpha and Beta on the other side of world, it felt right to heed his counsel. They'd been mindful to make decisions as a group but Hawk's instincts told him he'd learn more if he traveled alone, and was having difficulty accepting Tokola's assertion.
She hadn't specified whether he should make the journey alone. But bringing his pack brothers with a couple of werewolves in tow, could reasonably be interpreted as hostile.
"If she'd wanted to hurt me, then why bother warning me away?"
And Caleb felt obliged to speak up as well.
"You're focusing on the wrong thing. Why was there a need to warn you in the first place?"
And Hawk had no answer, knowing it was pointless to continue arguing. Tamàs had already made his view on the matter known. If Hawk insisted on meeting her, there was no way he was doing so alone. Their safety had been entrusted to him, and even though he agreed with Hawk, he wasn't willing to take a gamble with his life. Not with so much unknown. Hawk's encounter had led Tamàs to the surprising realization the La Push wolves had never encountered other wolves outside of their territory. And Caleb's presence amid this new development multiplied his guilt. His part in their she-wolf's loss so long ago weighing heavily on him still, and it was a conversation demanding to be had. But Tamàs was struggling with finding the opportune time.
Gideon and Teagan would be accompanying the wolves and they wasted no further time arguing. They'd need to make haste, hoping to arrive by night's end to allow them ample time to scout their surroundings. Hawk remained distant, replaying the encounter incessantly. It was a welcomed distraction from the floodgate of emotions he'd been battling but was also keenly aware of its significance. Caleb had been right, the familiarity in which she regarded him was eerie.
Human eye color was a feature they kept in their wolf form, so Hawk wasn't convinced he'd encountered the same she-wolf from the woods; only adding to the growing mountain of questions. She-wolves were supposed to be rare, and here he'd encountered two in a short span of time. They camped a mile from the rendezvous point, edgy and alert. A lupine scent lingering around but nothing else appeared out of the norm. Of course, the awaiting Lycans and wolves were unknowing of all Nauja endured in her quest to meet as agreed.
Okano had been displeased with the she-wolf's disobedience and had not been kind. It wasn't often Nauja was forced to submit to someone equal in strength, but she'd bared the humiliation out of need. One thrashing for the greater good she told herself, yet the event had also turned the tides in her favor. Okano's bold act of aggression had incited resentment among the she-wolves, and Kalia had failed to subdue her justified indignation, awakening the arrogant wolf's self-awareness. He was but one lone wolf surrounded by a group of ruthless and equally pissed she-wolves. It provided a moment of humility for him and one of clarity for the remainder of the group. Strength and solidarity provided them the advantage.
And it was this seed of resentment feeding their seditious thoughts, while allowing Nauja an opening for her plan. Kalia begrudged the path Chikuk had led them on, yet was still respectful of his position. But his authoritarian rule had done away with any formal hierarchy within the pack. And Like Nauja, she hadn't survived this long by coincidental luck. Kalia recognized the look of calculating intent in her old friend's eyes. Clueless to her motive, but understood it was significant enough to take a beating for. All leading to her steadfast declaration that Nauja remain in camp to heal as the rest continued their search for the werewolves' den.
Okano had not been quick to agree but was smart enough to know, he could only push the she-wolves so far. And Kalia's shrewd request to remain behind to keep a watchful eye over her, softened his reply. The veteran she-wolf sat aloof and awaiting, knowing no words were needed between them. Nauja bid her time, drawing on her sharp senses to select the ripe moment. She led wordlessly, and Kalia tailed; growing increasingly disturbed by the potent scents nearing their destination point. And the racing heartbeats of the awaiting party only thickened the fog of tension surrounding the clandestine meeting.
They cut through the shrubbery into plain sight, and Kalia stood ready and vigilant. Her eyes, measuring the Lycans and wolves distrustfully until they landed on him and her heart faltered…Nauja took in the array of emotions passing her eyes. Disbelief…the unmistakable look of grief as one relived a moment of loss and then finally, the same look of wonder and hope, she'd experienced. Her eyes searched hers questionably, a silent conversation passing between them and Nauja could only smile in reply. Hawk stood unnerved at the strange reaction but he hadn't come this far to leave without answers.
"This is the second time you've warned me away. Why…...?"
Kalia's eyes narrowed in confusion and Nauja moved to clarify.
"It was my daughter who you encountered in the forest. You are fortunate it was she who came across your scent"
A cacophony of questions erupted from the other side and the she-wolves' edginess was visible; their posture becoming physically tense. But Nauja knew they only had a small window of time and couldn't squander it away arguing.
"My people search for you even as we speak and they will not rest until they find you. But they don't know of your existence. They only seek the Lycan's den. You need to return to La Push, it isn't safe for you here"
"You keep saying that but you're not telling me why. And why do you keep looking at me like you know who I am?"
Her reply was instantaneous; the tenacity in her voice shaking Hawk to his core.
"Because we do know. My bloodline runs through your veins. You are not La Push…we are your people"
"You're wrong… You've got me confused with someone else"
And Kalia knew they didn't have time for a trip down memory lane.
"Were you born in La Push?"
"Yes. Of course, I was"
"Your father then…was he born in La Push?"
"My father? What does he have to do with…"
And Hawk was suddenly unsure, reeling from the implications of her words. His father's paternity was not something they discussed. For they all knew it pained Solace greatly to speak of his childhood. But he hadn't been born in La Push, that much he knew… He turned towards his pack brothers for support. Tokola's eyes narrowing, deep in thought.
"Even if what your saying has some truth, his mother is a direct descendant of the Alpha blood line. So, you see, he is La Push, through and through"
Kalia conceded respect for his words, nodding in acceptance. But Nauja couldn't let the subject matter go. Her desperation dripping in every subsequent word.
"Tell me about your father? Is he the only wolf among you not born in La Push?"
But the militant she-wolf knew it was her friend's grief driving her now. A soft hand on her shoulder, a silent and gentle request for the opportunity to speak.
"We took great risks coming here and time is running out. But Nauja speaks the truth. You are in danger…your mere existence is a threat to our current Alpha. Do not wander away from your camp until we come to you. How can we find you?"
"Wait…you can't just leave me like this…how can you be so sure about what you are saying?"
And Nauja composed herself enough to reply, leaving all three wolves stunned silent with her next words, and forcing Gideon to provide vague directions to their encampment.
"My brother was once Alpha. He had a son, unbeknown to most of the pack. Your likeness is unmistakable. And you," she stated, turning towards the only wolf, yet to say a word. "I recognize the look of you too. You're Leah's kin…she'll be happy to know you're here"
They were the last words spoken, and Nauja needed not glance back to know the turmoil her words stirred. They'd been strategically chosen…a sure way to guarantee they'd remain in the territory to learn more…
Ryan sought to squash his friend's shameless flirting with the assertive woman sitting across the table, but was too focused on calming his own nerves. Moletti had been poking his nose around the reservation trying to stir trouble, and Cheveyo had tasked Alex Ateara with interceding on his behalf. Her perfectly arched eyebrow rose in annoyance at Gabriel's inappropriate remark and Ryan knew it was time to intervene.
"Stop. Just…stop"
"What? I'm curious to know how she gets it to look so sleek"
Her fingers combed the side of her head needlessly; not a hair out of place in that meticulously sleek bun. Alex Ateara held the confidence of a woman accustomed to a world of dominant men, but something about Gabriel seemed to unnerve her.
"Look I need to know all the details behind why he hates you so much. There can't be any secrets between us if I'm going to help you Ryan"
Reliving the events leading up to his incarceration would be painful, but he was grateful for her assistance. And yet his growing attachment to the pack only made him increasingly nervous. Allowing people in was an open invitation for disappointment but that wasn't the only reason he was feeling so jittery…Lahote and Shye had granted him an unsupervised outing with Akeimi, and Ryan wasn't taking the allowance for granted. He was hoping to introduce her to two important people in his life. But he hadn't squared things up with Lou, and the prospect of dinner at their home, with Gabriel in tow was making him increasingly edgy. Akeimi was discreet for her age, but she was still a kid and would be the only one present with full knowledge of Ryan's secret world.
He promised Alex he'd meet her the next day, committing to disclosing all details surrounding his volatile past with Moletti. Akeimi's impatience and Gabriel's interruptions were making it difficult for them to speak. And Ryan wondered who was most mature out of his two companions aloud, a cheeky grin was Gabriel's lone reply. They headed towards the Organic Market in Forks, Akeimi's excitement pacifying some of Ryan's nerves. And his best friend seemed content to just tag along, walking mellowly at their side.
Gabriel had ample reasons to resent the life he'd been dealt, but he navigated his days with an ease Ryan envied greatly. Why worry, he'd once said, when he knew Ryan worried enough for both. The admission had prompted a humorless laugh but Ryan knew it'd pretty much summed up the dynamics of their friendship. Maddie awaited expectantly by the door, a warm glow on her round cheeks radiating her happiness. Her girlish chuckle brought Ryan much joy when Gabriel peppered her cheek with a loud smooch.
"Get away from my girl, you hoodlum…"
Lou's deep baritone placed a wicked smile on Gabriel's face as he turned to meet the stocky elder. It'd been years since they last exchanged words, but Gabriel had always relished his ability to rile up the recognized boxing trainer and hoped his resentment over their incarceration hadn't nulled the friendship they'd once shared. But what Gabe failed to realize was that Lou, though undeniably furious, had been mostly grateful for the loyalty he'd shown his boy. Lou had never conceded as much publicly, but considered Ryan his, as much as he was Paul's.
"Don't hate on me, I can't help my swag…"
"Oh hush, you…" And Maddie swatted him away as she turned towards their other guest.
"Oh, my. Just look at those eyes…"
Ryan's grip on Akeimi's hand tightened from nerves, as Lou stepped around his wife for a closer look; her grey eyes betraying her shyness at being the center of attention. And Ryan felt like a kid once again, seeking pardon from Lou as he'd done countless of times growing up. Except it was different this time…angry, hurtful words had been shared from both ends, and neither had taken the initiative to repair their once tight bond.
Lou took in the sheer size of him. The boy he'd known was long gone. The man in front of him was over 180 pounds of lean muscle.
"Well now I know who stole your meals, huh?"
A clever joke made at Gabriel's expense and yet Ryan knew it was Lou's way of breaking the ice.
"I keep trying to tell him Lou…he needs to stop wasting time and return to the ring…"
It was a sore point for both, and Maddie rushed to fill the silence, lowering her head to be eye to eye with the quiet girl before her.
"And who might you be little one?"
She curled into Ryan's side, her eyes betraying her fear of saying the wrong thing. And Ryan smiled dotingly, moving to speak on her behalf.
"Akeimi…this is Maddie and Lou. They gave me a home after my mother passed away. They're very special to me"
She extended her small hand in greeting, her mother's impeccable manners shining through. And Maddie pulled her into a warm hug, Lou's eyes narrowing in speculation at seeing the gleam of pride in Ryan's eyes as he observed the exchange. The gentle storekeeper ushered them into the dining area, a curious look exchanged with her husband at the protectiveness, their adoptive son exhibited towards the well-mannered girl at his side. And yet Maddie couldn't claim too much surprise. Ryan struggled with a deep-rooted need to protect the women in his life, and she suspected it stemmed from his inability to do the same for his mother.
It broke her heart…yet another reason she continued advocating on his behalf. Ryan was a giver and aside from Gabriel, and hopefully Paul, didn't have anyone consistently looking out for him. Of course, the aging storekeeper wasn't aware of the pack and worried Akeimi was yet another girl in need, much like Ollie had been. Which brought her to another reason for worry. Ollie was a headstrong girl and even though Maddie was certain she held the best intentions at heart, had come to believe she weighed Ryan down.
Either way, it was good to have them in her home, and by the content look on her husband's face, the gentle storekeeper knew he felt the same. And as the night progressed, it became clearer why Ryan, and now Lou, were enamored with Akeimi. She was a sweet girl but a definite spitfire, and Gabriel's mischievous nature only served to goad her on. Her eyes sparkled in awe when Lou disclosed Ryan's talent. And to his great dismay, the aging trainer led her by the hand into his old room to emphasize his point.
Akeimi's eyes widened in admiration at the many trophies proudly on display, her feet running towards the pictures for a closer look. An eager Gabriel on her heels, itching to disclose details of Ryan's many wins. Nostalgia filling the other two men standing by the door, listening to the memories shared. Ryan was remorseful for so much…for the pain and disappointment he'd left in his absence…for the wasted time and energy because going Pro had become Lou's dream as well, and he'd thrown it all away in moment of rage.
How does one apologize when it'd been his own life, he'd carelessly discarded? You can't…
But Ryan was determined to do better, not just for himself but for the people he loved most. He wanted to be the kind of man his mother would've been proud of…that Maddie and Lou could be proud of. The wishful thought brought a pang of hurt to his chest. His gloomy feelings spiraling down a place he knew to avoid, prompting his next words.
"So how are things at the gym? Any prospects?"
He couldn't meet his eyes just yet, choosing instead to track the curious girl performing a thorough recon of his old room.
"Same old same old. But there's this one kid…Rosario. Kid's got potential…"
Potential…
And unless he'd adopted a new philosophy on training, Ryan knew exactly what potential entailed. It meant waking up at the crack of dawn for a run…it meant heading straight to the gym after school to train…it meant giving up weekends with your friends. Potential was a dangerous word in Lou's vocabulary, but if one was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of such praise, it meant you got the best of him.
"Oh yeah? How old?"
"Twelve…"
Oh yeah…a clay ready for molding.
And Ryan almost envied the little bastard. Boxing had given him purpose at a time he'd believed everything lost. And he missed the addictive feeling of seeing his hard work turn into victory. Lou liked to claim he'd been born with natural talent, but Ryan disagreed. He'd been an apt pupil with nothing left to lose.
"Maybe I could come down to the gym and check him out? Help out a bit if you don't mind having me around"
His sideways glance betrayed his nerves, too fearful of his rejection to look him straight in the eye.
"Yeah sure…I aint getting any younger kid, and it'd be good for him to have another southpaw in the gym"
"Can I come too? Can I?"
Akeimi's eyes gleamed with excitement at the possibility, and Lou didn't disappoint.
"Only if you're planning to glove up too"
And Ryan's features changed from giddiness to sheer dismay. His protests, drowned out by Akeimi and Gabriel's howls. But the mood took a somber tone when she'd innocently asked to see a picture of Lily. Lahote and Shye had made a conscious decision to expose her to the truth of their supernatural world early on in her infancy. There weren't many secrets within their household and though it'd been difficult to comprehend at first, she'd come to understand why the same rules didn't apply to the outside world.
Imprinting was a word she'd heard countless of times and yet had never held much relevance to her world, until the day Alex Ateara used it to describe her relationship with Ryan. She didn't understand what the big deal was. Ryan was a new wolf and her dad said we needed to be extra friendly to new wolves to make them feel welcomed. And he was Paul's son which made him family. She didn't understand why they needed so many rules for when he could come over or when they could go out together. It made her angry and sometimes it made her scared he'd get tired of all the rules and stop coming over.
He didn't treat her lie most grown ups and she liked that. She liked that very much…he answered her questions even when she knew it was a topic "not appropriate to discuss at her age," like her mother would say.
You'll understand when you get older honey…
Well Ryan took the time to explain and he liked reading with her, just like her Uncle Hawk had. She missed him a lot and sometimes felt a little guilty for liking Ryan so much. So much that she'd read their favorite book together. But she knew her uncle Hawk would understand…he was a cool grown-up too. There was much Akeimi didn't comprehend about imprinting, but she was astute enough to know there was much her mother hadn't shared when she first asked on what it all meant. So, when she started feeling confused, she liked to think back on what her father had said.
Imprinting is like finding your very best friend…
Well J.J. was her BFF but they'd discussed it at length, and she'd been open to sharing the number one spot with Ryan. Because she thought Ryan was cool too. So even though she knew talking about Lily made him a little sad, she also knew it made him smile wider than she'd ever seen. And she like that very much…
Ryan went in search of his mother's old photo album and was violently aggrieved when Maddie disclosed she'd handed it over to Paul. So, he settled for pointing to the picture hanging on the corridor's wall, struggling to rein in his fury. He cut the visit short, promising to hit the gym in the coming week. The ride back to La Push was a quiet one and it took most of his control to drop Akeimi off without giving his anger away. But her own silence told him she was in the know. And though he wanted to pacify any anxiety she may feel, was able to recognize his inability to do so in his current state.
"Ryan don't do anything stupid…"
Gabriel's plea was laced with blatant concern, knowing his best friend's temperament all too well. And Ryan's stoic expression as he waved his words away did nothing to appease his alarm as he bid his goodbye. He made his way past the tree line, knowing the choice had been made. A moment he knew all too well…time seemingly standing still when contemplating the illusion of choice. And he hated this side of himself…the side which continuously gave in to emotion, in turn, feeding his self-loathing more. Because try as he might to deny it, it was a quality he'd inherited from him…
He was his father's son…but where was this inherited brashness when his mother needed it the most?
It was a question Ryan warred with constantly and one he never managed to resolve. But at the moment he had a one-track mind and it led towards a remote cabin nestled in the forest. He ignored Jahir's whine as he followed at a distance, veering off course from his patrol and growing increasingly troubled over Ryan's palpable anger. Too far gone in his rage to even pause after recognizing the other two voices coming from the lodge as he barged through the front door.
"WHERE IS IT?"
It wasn't the actual album he sought. Ryan could barely stand to look at the pictures it held. It was the principle of the thing. He had no right to it…no fucking right…and the fact he felt entitled to possess it made his blood boil. Jacob took in his quivering state, readying to intervene when Paul's hand kept him in place. Oliver sat statue still, his long sigh betraying the guilt felt over Paul's predicament with his son. It was he who'd brought Lily back into his life so many years ago, after all. But it was Paul's reaction which surprised the old Alpha most.
Ryan was on the verge of phasing with unconcealed violent intent, and Jacob couldn't recall the last time he'd witness the dominant wolf so at ease under threat. It took him back to the day he'd nearly rearranged his face after sleeping with Rachel. When Leah had taken the fight out of him with her, leaving him a shell of the man he'd been. Jacob hoped this wasn't the case as he watched him remain rooted to his seat, well aware that any motion from him could be interpreted as a challenge. But what he saw in Paul's eyes told a different story.
"What are you looking for Ryan?"
His voice betrayed no emotion, steady and composed, unlike his son's.
"Don't play dumb with me. You know why I'm here. WHERE IS IT?"
He continued insolently, not giving any room to answer as his eyes scanned the surroundings. And it occurred to him he had no idea even where to look, never having been inside Paul's home.
"It belonged to my mother…it wasn't Maddie's to give, nor your right to take"
Paul's eyes lit up with understanding, glancing towards his bedroom door. And as Ryan moved to advance, Jacob caught a flicker of emotion in Paul's eyes, prompting him to stand in his way.
"Ryan, I get that you're angry but this isn't the way to resolve this"
"With all do respect Jacob, this isn't your concern"
And Paul's temper was beginning to emerge.
"No, it's not…so why don't you and I talk about this like mature adults"
"There ain't shit to talk about. Just give me the album and I'll be on my way "
"No. I have as much right to it as you"
"Why? Because we share DNA? That doesn't mean anything to me"
The words tasted blasphemous even as he said them, but Ryan wanted to cause him as much hurt as the one cutting through his chest. And Paul didn't bother concealing the desperation in his words.
"But it does to me Ryan. She was your mother, but at one point, she was my world too. The only thing keeping me afloat…And as much as you blame me, I blame myself more. I loved her…I love her still, but she isn't without blame…"
"Don't you fucking dare put this on her…" and Ryan lunged, landing a brutal punch to his jaw. And to his disgust, Paul refused to hit him back, even after the second blow.
"Fight back you coward…"
His words, a mixture of anger and hurt. But it wasn't apathy keeping him on the ground. It was the selflessness birthed out of seeing one's child in pain. One which both Jacob and Oliver understood all too well. Paul wasn't going to fight him back. In fact, he would bleed a little more if it meant Ryan could shed some of that pent-up ire weighing him down.
When his own mother had abandoned him without a second glance, Paul became his father's punching bag. In turn, he reciprocated his powerlessness and contempt with the world. But his volatile temper never got him very far. It only led to broken relationships and further isolation until he joined the pack…For better or worse, Samuel Uley and Jared had no choice but to contend with him. And in time, their patience and acceptance led him to the realization that his misplaced anger served no one. And the man-child before him was a mirror of that past; clutching to his fury like a security blanket.
Ryan felt himself beginning to blur; angry and ashamed for losing grip on his control. The guttural growl released as he staggered out the front door was achingly raw and Paul moved to follow. But Oliver's gentle clutch halted his steps.
"Let me talk to him, Paul"
And the tenacity swimming in his gaze made him nod in defeat, knowing he'd probably have more luck in getting Ryan to listen then he ever could. Oliver wasted no further time, tracking his scent with ease. He'd ben gifted with a carefree personality and people often mistook it for nonchalance. But Oliver cared deeply…felt things deeply. He'd simply learned ways to channel those feelings elsewhere and suspected boxing had served similarly for their newest wolf. But now it was gone…
He paced the span of two aged trees like a caged predator. There was no place to hide…his wolf was clawing for release and Ryan wished he could abide, but refused to bare his shame for the wolves on patrol. He'd taken off aimlessly but his feet had subconsciously led him towards her home. Her scent lingered near the tree line; sedating his anxious state. Her father considered going to him, but after sensing Oliver's approach, Lahote settled on monitoring his movements from his home.
"Oliver…I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it. I know I was wrong for losing my temper but please, just leave me alone…"
"I was just gonna offer you a hit of my joint…"
And the casualness in his words made him pause.
Was he serious?
And as he watched the older wolf toke up, couldn't hold back the incredulous chuckle out of his mouth.
"But you're like…old…"
And it was Oliver's turn to laugh.
"Yeah?"
"And you're like a business owner and a respected member of the pack…"
"Uh huh…"
"I don't know…I guess I didn't really see you as the type…"
"I didn't know there was a type…"
"You know what I mean…"
"It's a habit I haven't been able to break and it kinda gives me street cred with the stoner bands that roll through the studio. Here... take a hit. It'll help calm you down"
And Ryan reached for the joint anyway, even though he was now visibly more relaxed; a playful smirk forming at the corner of his mouth.
"What would Cheveyo say if he knew you were offering me smoke?"
"Ask me again at the end of our conversation"
And Ryan released a long sigh, remembering the real reason Oliver had tracked him across the woods.
"I don't wanna talk about it Oliver"
"Then don't, but do me the courtesy of listening now that I've shared my precious herb"
And Ryan couldn't agree with Solace more.
It was extremely difficult to get mad at Oliver…
So, he slid down to the floor, his back resting on an ancient redwood. Oliver leaning on the opposing tree.
"You know a lot of people don't take me seriously. They see the way I dress…my line of work…my personality, and assume I don't give a shit. It makes people question how Solace and I can be so tight? Cuz you know…he worries about everything. But I do worry. I care…I just learned to accept what I cannot control. But then sometimes it makes me wonder you know? If it was life that made me this way or if I inherited this trait from someone? I guess I'll never know, but it fucks with me sometimes. The not knowing…and I think there's a part of you which can relate to that"
Oliver took a long pull before continuing, trying to muster the courage to bare his guilt.
"When Leah was presumed dead, Paul was…well he lost his way. And it scared me…he and Jacob are the closest things to a father I known. And even though I knew he was trying to keep his distance, I went in search of Lily when he returned"
The shame in his eyes was hard to take, and Ryan filled his lungs with a steadying breath, continuing to listen attentively.
"He loved Leah but it was always a battle with her. Lily was everything he needed and more and I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it worked both ways. He brought out the best in her as well. You're an imprinted wolf…you know what that bond is like. In hindsight, Paul knows he jumped the gun in leaving. He was wrong not to tell her the truth. But Ryan…so was she in keeping the truth about you and deep down, you know it. I don't think he's the only one you're angry with…And be mad all you want…shit, I'd be pissed too. But don't let the bad cloud the good. Look I love my life, but there isn't a day I don't wonder about why I was left on the doorsteps of a church. I told you…it's the not knowing that fucks with me…but you have a chance to get to know your roots and you're choosing not to. Turning wolf isn't a random act of coincidence. You were chosen just like your father was chosen, and it's not just DNA that bounds you. Don't take it for granted…I would kill for the opportunity to know more"
His last words lingered in the air like the puff of smoke exhaled as he rose to his feet, heading towards his home. It wasn't a subject he enjoyed speaking on, but Oliver was willing if it meant Ryan would contemplate his words. And that he did…till the early morning hours, finding comfort in the crisp night air as he wandered through the forest. He headed to the place he now called home with purpose. A sleepless Solace greeting him with a kind smile as he headed towards his room.
His hand reached for the book tucked between his mattress before climbing on. An aged envelope lay in its folds. His fingers traced the edges pensively, thinking back on the many times he'd considered ripping it to shreds. How he wished he could have, if only to expunge the constant guilt felt over keeping it from its rightful owner. A letter, he'd cursed countless times yet never managed to stop himself from reading over and over again. Her neat penmanship caused a blunt ache to his chest; her absence, a wound time did little to heal. But this was one wrong, he was determined to make right, for both of their sakes…
His body weighed with the heaviness of fatigue but he rose to his feet anyway. The letter, tightly secured in his grip as he ventured out again. Same trajectory, different purpose; slowing his pace to a near stop as the remote cabin came into view. He chuckled amicably at the playful yip and push he received from his patrolling pack brother. But Ryan took a minute to consider what he was readying to do before making his final approach. He hadn't taken notice in his furious state, but his home had a rustic feel even he could appreciate.
It's the not knowing that fucks with me…
The letter weighed heavier in his hand with each step, as Oliver's words replayed in his mind. Was it his own guilt for keeping Paul in the dark or loyalty to his mother driving him now? Ryan couldn't really say, but as he slid the letter underneath his front door, felt an overwhelming sense of relief…cathartic, almost, as if he'd help absolve his mother's culpability. The most bitter side of him had relished in knowing Paul hurt as much as he had over Lily's silence, but Ryan also knew she'd intended to tell him the truth. And in the end, his love and loyalty to her trumped all. He didn't stick around for what came next, but Ryan knew he'd taken one step closer in making peace with the ghosts of his past…
Playlist
Cavalleria Rusticana-Pietro Mascagni
To the Stars- Max Richter
