Angelica Pickles had dreamed many times of what her life would be like when she was an adult. Being able to stay up as late as she wanted, wear crowns and tiaras, boss people around, eat as many cookies as she wanted, own all the toys a girl could ever want…
But most importantly of all: no babies.
None. Not at all. Not a single drooly, poopie, stinky baby anywhere near her. Nope. None at all. She would be an adult and when that happened she'd never have to be around another baby ever again. They could stay in their stupid playpens and play their stupid games and she wouldn't have to be in the same house as them… or city… or state… or maybe even planet. Nope, no babies for her!
So if she could have seen Angelica Finster supporting her 13 month old daughter as she rode the penny horse at the grocery store Angelica Pickles would have had a heart attack.
"Say goodbye to Sandy, sweetie," Angelica said once the ride stopped, lifting Melinda up and giving her a little kiss.
"Goodbye Sandy! I hope you and your sister patch things up! And if you ever want to discuss your fear of spidies call my sec'tary!" Melinda waved goodbye to the horsie, giggling as her mommy put her back in her stroller.
"Now then, let's go find daddy, okay?" Angelica said, pushing the stroller past the checkout and making her way into the depths of the Wal-Mart. Some of her friends back in Chicago would be shocked to see Angelica walking through such a symbol of Middle America with casual ease and two years ago she'd have been just as shocked. While she had mellowed out over the years she still held herself to a high standard and preferred to shop in elegant clothing stores where an attendant would take one's measurements and coffee was served at your request. But as her mother had warned her… babies were money pits. Angelica had thought she understood how much money babies could drain away, what with her Foundation set up to help parents dealing with such issues, but Melinda's birth proved just how wrong she was.
The blonde shook her head, remembering when Melinda had been 2 months old…
~Months Ago…~
Bethany Feinstein sighed, checking to make sure her anal retentive prick of a manager wasn't watched as she blew a massive bubbled before sucking it back in, smacking the wad of BubbleYum as she tapped her badge against her register. When she'd asked to take the night shift she'd figured it would keep her from dealing with the madness and hectic hours that would come from normal work hours at a Wal-Mart. No suddenly 2 pm rush from soccer moms needing to pick up one last thing and in a hurry to get out and grab their snot-nosed brats up from school, no after work crowd who were pissy that they couldn't get their milk and flee in 20 seconds, and no old ladies counting pennies as they sought a bit of human interactions. Just some late night drunks and otherwise a stress free night.
What she hadn't counted on was how boring the night shift could be. She couldn't leave her register because the night shift manager was scared she'd miss a customer. She couldn't pull out her phone because said jackass boss didn't want her to look unprofessional… even though she knew he went to his office and played Candy Crush for hours on end. She couldn't even flip through the magazines because those were for the customers. So Beth had nothing to do but idly sit at her register and listen to her brain cells slowly die off due to boredom.
The automatic doors flew open. Not slide like they were supposed to; they actually SLAMMED opened, trembling as they hit the walls, and Beth yelped as a cold wind blew into the store and caused several loose subscription cards and fallen sale signs to swirl around her like they were caught in a tornado. She whipped her head to yell at the idiot who'd burst in only to stare at the woman in shock. The new arrival's blonde hair was a frazzled nightmare, her shirt was covered in spit-up stains, and in her arms she held a screaming naked infant who was flailing about like a beached shark.
"DIAPERS!" the woman screamed like one would announce King Kong's arrival, maniac eyes sweeping about the store.
"Uh… aisle 12."
She merely nodded, hurrying towards the aisle, her baby's screeches echoing through the store. After a few moments Beth decided it might be wise to keep an eye on the deranged looking woman with the naked baby . Checking one more time to make sure her boss wasn't looking (he wasn't; he was too busy calling a hotline manned by someone named 'Rocko') she slipped away from her register and followed the new arrival as she shambled towards aisle 12. Beth was reminded of the zombie movies her father loved to watched and really hoped she didn't turn the corner and find the customer having a baby sandwich.
Instead she found the woman staring at the diapers, her gaze like that of an old war vet remembering the killing fields. The baby was still crying out, tugging at her mother's shirt and kicking her little legs in protest.
"Do… do you need help ma'am?" Beth asked.
"Diapers…" the woman whispered.
"Yes, these are diapers," Beth said slowly, wondering if she could snatch the baby out of the woman's hands should she pass out.
"Need diapers," the woman murmured, scanning the shelves. "All gone…"
"Right," Beth said, looking the woman over. Other than her frazzled appearance it was clear that the customer had a bit of money to her name, what with her having on a necklace (which the baby was currently trying to rip off and use as a whip) that cost more than Beth's car. People like her were always looking for the newest trend and Beth, figuring that she could kill some time, pointed to a brown box with green writing on it. "These are organic diapers that are made by a commune in Maryaland."
"No….no…" the customer moaned. "Melt right off."
"…melt?"
The woman thrust her baby at Beth, the child calming down and looking at the cashier in confusion. "One little poopie and they melted right off! All of them! I went through 50 in 2 hours!" She yanked the little girl back, cuddling her as she looked at all the different boxes of diapers. "Cheap ones… sturdy ones… as many as I can get."
"Uh…" Beth said, pointing at some Huggies. "These are nice?"
"I'LL TAKE THEM ALL!" The woman screamed, relieved tears falling from her eyes as she thrust several hundred dollar bills into Beth's hand.
~MC~MC~MC~
Angelica could now look back at that particular disaster and laugh but it had taught her a valuable lesson: when it came to babies stick with the tried and true. No organic diapers, no rattles that were supposed to stimulate the child through scent therapy, no baby powder made by hippies that they claimed would get any baby to sleep through the night. Basic diapers, basic supplies, happy baby. None of those things equaled very upset baby that had no problem letting you know they were pissed.
Melinda let out a coo, wiggling Katrina about, and Angelica smiled as she made her way past the frozen food and towards the baby department. She debated swinging by the Toys, as she loved to walk with Melinda and see what her little girl would light up upon seeing, but in the end ruled against it… mostly because she knew her mother, father, and in-laws would spoil Melinda rotten over the next two weeks. While Chaz and Kira had calmed down a bit with the birth of Louie they still felt the need to shower their first grandchild with clothing and gifts… and Angelica's parents were even worse. She knew for a fact her dad was already starting a bank fund to by Melinda her first car.
Walking past racks of pink and blue onesies and cutesie that said things like "Mommy and Daddy Know I'm the Boss!" and "Born to Nap" and "Rockin' The Diaper", Angelica turned into the baby food aisle to find Chuck having already loaded his cart with diapers, baby wipes, and powder and was now working to figure out just how much baby food to get.
"What do you think?" Chuck said when he noticed Angelica walk up to him. "Load up now or several small trips?"
"Small trips," Angelica said quickly, rocking on her heals. "We don't know how much mom or your parents will have gotten and Aunt Didi is sure to be stocked; the Devilles as well if they offer to babysit. I don't want it to go to waste and really don't feel like paying to have it flown back home. Besides, with all of us being on the same floor I'm sure we can bum a bottle off of Tommy if need be." Angelica leaned forward, tapping her chin. "The better question is what we get…"
Melinda looked at Katrina, wiggling her dolly back and forth as she contemplated the complexity of the human mind. That is until she noticed someone looking at an endcap at the end of the aisle her and her parents were in. The little girl's eyes narrowed before she let out a squeal, gesturing at her parents. When they didn't respond Melinda let out a huff; she really needed to discuss with her parents their selective hearing issues and the need to be mindful of one's surroundings. Wiggling her diaper clad behind, Melinda made enough space between her and the stroller's belt so she could shove Katrina's feet against it and, wiggling the doll carefully, undo the latch with a faint click. Clamoring out of her stroller, Melinda toddled down the aisle, forcing herself not to focus on all the yummy food that was around her and instead on the man that was currently looking at a display of diapers.
"Hey, I know you!" Melinda exclaimed. "You lived in my house for a week and we discussed your repressed childhood memories! I'm Melinda Finster, MDDDDDD, and you are… Mr. Fuzzy Beard!"
The man, noticing the tot standing beside him, blinked before he realized who he was staring at. "Melinda?" He knelt down and grinned. "Hey sweetie! How did you escape mommy and daddy?" Melinda gestured behind her and then, with a giggle, ran back towards her parents. "Angelica! Chuckie!"
"Phil!" Chuck exclaimed, putting a jar of pear mash back on the shelf and hurrying over to his childhood friend, giving him a hug. "When did you guys get in? Where's the wife and kids? Lil and Langdon?"
"Breathe, Chuckie," Phil said, releasing Chuck and looking over at Angelica. "Still with the big brave dog, huh?"
"And loving every moment of it," Angelica said, walking over and giving Phil a hug. She looked down when she felt someone tug on her pant leg, shaking her head as Melinda beamed up at her. "And I see someone escaped… again."
"They are nearly as bad as us, if you believe our folks!" Phil said with a laugh. He knelt down again to ruffle Melinda's hair, the baby giggling and moving to hide behind her mommy's leg, peaking out and smiling at Phil. "We got in about 20 minutes ago. Langdon is getting us checked in and Lil wanted to take a nap before we drove over to see our folks. I'm just picking up some stuff to get through the night and then tomorrow we'll do the heavy shopping. You?"
"Been here a few hours," Chuck said, returning back to select the final few jars of baby food they needed while Angelica put Melinda back into her stroller. "Stocking up now and then going to get ready to see her folks-"
"-IMI!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
CRASH!
The three adults winced as they heard a heavy shelf come slamming down to the ground somewhere in the toy section.
"Can I just say I'm glad we weren't involved with a disaster for once?" Phil joked.
~MC~MC~MC~
At the Hotel…
Dil pulled out his phone and, after a few moments of swiping screens, got to the Notepad and quickly typed in 'Pool-First Floor. Open 7am to 12a,' before moving on. They'd just gotten checked in only for the entire group to decide to go and stretch their legs after their long flight. Years of travel had made hotel life a breeze for the two families; while many people unpacked and settled into hotels Dil and co. tended to live right out of their suitcases, removing only what they needed. While they'd never been in a situation where they needed to grab their cases and flee the country they were prepared to do just that, should the need arise. Once they'd gotten checked in Kimi had quickly assigned each to one of their main tasks. Steph got the babies was walking around the local parks, seeing if there was anything new or of interest for the family to do while staying in Yucaipa. Tommy and her had been assigned grocery shopping duties; Susie had arranged for them to get the best suites in the hotel and each of their rooms came with a small kitchenette for cooking meals. While they would eat out many times during the trip and all knew that the elder Pickles and Finsters would expect them for dinner (and there was a free continental breakfast, which automatically earned the hotel Dil's eternal love) the Pickles clan would go nuts if they couldn't cook a few meals of their own. Dil, for his part, had been assigned to wander around the hotel and make notes for everyone of where the major points, like ice machines, vending areas, the pool, etc, were located.
Dil personally loved this task more than any of the others. He didn't mind shopping but Tommy and Kimi were just better at it. Kimi was their resident chef, having learned to cook during her years as a roving reporter, and Tommy was better at planning than Dil was; heck, Dil half the time had to get out of line at the store because he realized he'd forgotten the very thing he'd been sent to get. But wandering around aimlessly figuring out all the hidden little spots in a hotel? That was where Dil was king.
"Cool, arcade," Dil said to himself, looking around the neon-lit room. There were crane games, a few pinball machines, several classic games like Donkey Kong and Pac Man, and even a racing game that four people could play. Adding the note to his phone, Dil glanced a directory on the wall before deciding he'd try and find where the gym was supposed to be.
"Hey!" Dil came to a quick stop, spinning on his toes as a tall man with what Steph would call a blond 'corporate hair cut' and a little circle beard ran up to him, a cream color bucket in his hand. It took Dil a moment to realize that it was Langdon, Lil's on again/off again boyfriend, though he supposed he was firmly in the 'on position' if he was joining them on the vacation. "Do you know where the ice machine is?"
"Yeah, I'll show you," Dil said with a grin. "Man, you look good." Langdon had clearly begun working out since Dil had last seen him at Phil's wedding; they hadn't talked much, what with Dil in the wedding party and Langdon acting as an usher, but Dil remembered Langdon being on the scrawny side and now he was rocking some good biceps that strained the sleeves of his tight tee.
"Uh… thanks. And if you'll just point me in the right direction I'll figure it out."
"Nah, don't worry about it," Dil said, slinging an arm around Langdon's shoulder. "Man, tense huh? Need to get a certain someone to massage the knots out of there." Dil began to guide the Prosecutor away from the arcade and towards the little alcove that held the ice machine. "So, go any plans for tonight?" Langdon stared at Dil, looking rather nervous. Dil grimaced… clearly him and Lil had had a fight. He kicked himself for bringing it up but he didn't just want to let it drop and make Langdon think he was taking sides. "Because if you want we could go get drinks."
"…what?"
"Drinks. They have a killer bar here, open late." Dil leaned in and whispered. "And listen, I'm not judging but if you need a place to sleep my room is open-"
"You know what? I forgot I already got ice!"
Dil looked at the bucket. "IT's empty…"
"Yup, already got it!" Langdon quickly detangled himself from Dil, practically running towards the elevator.
"Alright! See ya later." Dil waved, waiting until the elevators closed before making the universal signal for nuts. "Psycho…"
Meanwhile, on the 5th floor, Langdon hurried out of the elevator and practically ran into his a Lil's room, shutting the door behind him and letting out a sigh of relief. Lil, who'd finally awoken up after her nap and was now making it her mission in life to destroy a giant chocolate bar she'd found in the mini bar, looked up at him, a fleck of chocolate sticking to her lips. "Where's the ice?"
"I'll get it later," Langdon said, sitting down next to her. "I just… needed to get away."
"Away? Away from what?"
"The gay guy that just propositioned me for sex."
"…what?" Lil said with a snort.
Langdon, who normally abhorred mini bars, walked over and snatched a 10 dollar can of coke out and cracked it open. "One minute I'm asking him where the ice machine is and the next he is asking me back to his room!"
Lil's eyes twinkled in mischief. "Did you flirt with some pretty boy?"
"I didn't do anything!" Langdon exclaimed. "He just… he came onto me! He practically raped me in the arcade!"
"Sure he did," Lil said, returning to her chocolate bar.
"He did!" Langdon downed his coke. "Can we just stay in the room for the next two weeks?"
"Doing that is how we ended up with Clair," Lil joked.
Langdon just groaned.
~MC~MC~MC~
15 Minutes Earlier, at Wal-Mart…
Kimi took out her phone and hit speeddial, motioning for the deli worker to load up the bowl of mash potatos while she waited for her husband to answer. "Come on, Tommy…" Kimi muttered, reaching up and adjusting her baseball cap. Even when she wasn't wearing the prop glasses she donned on the show Kimi would get occasionally recognized by a fan. She normally loved greeting those that loved her show but this was supposed to be a vacation free of such things and that meant going a bit incognito, just in case. Nothing extreme… she just avoided anything that looked like her normal 'costume' and threw on a battered Detroit Tigers cap (she'd become a fan after one ex boyfriend had proclaimed his utter loathing for the team… Kimi was a petty woman when you broke her heart). Dil and Tommy did the same thing, usually using caps as well in the summer or sunglasses while in the winter making use of scarves and winter caps.
Accepting the bowl of mashed potatos and another of gravy, Kimi juggled it and her phone before she managed to place the hot food in her cart along with the rotisserie chicken she'd picked. Snagging a pack of Hawaiian Sweet rolls, Kimi turned towards the produce section just as her phone clicked.
"Hello," Tommy said.
"Where are you at? I sent you back to get paper plates 10 minutes ago."
"Uh…"
"Tommy…" Kimi said, keeping her tone sweet, "where are you?"
"I kinda took a wrong turn," he began only for his wife to cut him off.
"I'll be right there." Wheeling her cart around Kimi made for the back of the store, pausing for a moment when she thought she spotted Phil but when she looked back there was no one there. Shrugging, Kimi entered the toy department, making a beeline for the action figure aisle… and smiling and shaking her head at the sight of her husband and his cart that, along with the baby supplies, was loaded with Reptar toys. "Tommy…"
Tommy blushed. He loved his job… he really did! Even with his current feelings of being in a rut he knew how wonderful his job was and how lucky he was to have it. He got to travel the world seeing sights 99% of the population would never see, he set his own hours, made VERY good money (Dil hadn't been kidding… if Kimi and him wanted to retire they could and live off the interest their bank gave them quite easily), had fans all over the world, and got to work with his wife and brother. He'd canoed down the Nile, been the Everest's base, seen the blue holes in Mexico, and down a section of the Iditarod. He was a lucky man.
But… doing his show meant that Tommy couldn't keep up with some of his favorite things. The biggest one being Reptar. While he had gone through a phase where Reptar hadn't been that important to him by the time he was in his early twenties he'd fallen back in love with the franchise and all its versions. The Reptar Corps, Cyber Reptar, Reptar Noir… he'd seen them all and owned every series on Blu-Ray. And then, two years ago, it had been announced that Nichael May was directing a live-action adapation of Reptar. Tommy had followed the rumors and news on the movie from the moment it was announced, setting up his smartphone to buzz whenever a new tidbit about the film was released to the world wide web, and watched the first trailer so many times that he'd dreamt about it. When Nigel had last summer pulled some strings and gotten him tickets to the red carpet premier he'd nearly broken down crying. He'd practically dragged Kimi along the red carpet, leaving Dil and Steph to make apologizes for him, and sat in the theater with a doopy grin on his face.
The critics had hated it. They'd slammed it as little more than explosion porn with shots of the main female lead wearing a tight orange belly shirt that hugged her curves. They'd decried Reptar's redesign, which was supposed to make him look more 'modern', and said the plot made no sense. The villain was two dimensional, the jokes fell flat, and the sequel hook lazy at best. It currently was one of the worst reviewed films on Moviepoopshoot and was a Certified Stinky on their scale.
Tommy had seen the film 20 times.
The problem was that all the cool Reptar Movie action figures had been short packed and finding them was near impossible when you spent half your time in forests looking for crumbling temples just so you could set up a shot. He'd managed to find Wave One online but after that things had dried up and while he could have bought the rest on Ebay he refused to give those scalpers a dime of his money. Thus, over the next few months he'd scoured both stores and websites, completing his collection one figure at a time. He'd finally hit a wall when it came to Wave 5, the one that of course included the best and coolest figures but had been even more shortordered than the rest of the line. No matter how hard he looked he could never find a single figure and had begun to think that Wave 5 was only a legend.
And then, today, as he'd picked up stuff for the kids (and maybe some things for him… okay, a lot of things) he'd seen it: Wave 5, sitting on the topstock shelves high above him, calling out to him. The moment he'd spotted them he'd been 1 years old ago, getting his very first Reptar doll…
"Hi Tommy!" one of the boxes said, waving to him.
"Hi!" Tommy said, shuffling his bare feet and wiggling his diapered bottom as he stared up at the friendly boxes. "You have Reptar toys in you, don't yous?"
"We sure do, Tommy!" the box said happily. "All the ones you've always wanted!"
"oooo." Tommy said, eyes wide in delight.
"Tommy?" Kimi said, toddling over to him. "Tommy… you're hablucinating again."
"What's that, Kimi?"
"TOMMY!" Kimi shouted, shaking him.
Tommy blinked, snapping out of his daze. "Oh… sorry."
Kimi sighed, a little smile on her lips. "It's fine… I knew I was marrying a Reptar addict when I hitched my wagon to your star." Leaning down on her cart she looked up at the plain brown boxes with green borders and writing on them, raising an eyebrow in surprise. "The fabled Wave 5?"
"Yup," Tommy said, his voice holding a tone of utter reverence. "Final Battle Reptar, Reptaretta, Final Battle Dactar, Waspra, Cyberreptar, and the rarest of them all… Queen Sodama." Tommy let out a little sigh. "Three boxes full of them."
"Should I be concerned that you have the same smile on your face looking at those toys as you did on our wedding night?" Kimi asked. "Tommy? Tommy?"
"It okay, Reptar, I'll saves you," Tommy said in a childish voice.
"TOMMY!"
"Gaaa!" he said, shaking once more out of his stupor. He looked down, confirming he was still an adult and wasn't wearing a diaper, before looking back at his wife. "Sorry… I know I'm supposed to be shopping… Kimi, what are you doing?" Tommy stared at his wife as she kicked off her platforms and moved towards the shelves.
"You love Reptar and I love you so that means I'm getting those boxes and I can't do that in these shoes." Kimi stood on the basedeck of the shelf, stretching on her tiptoes, her fingers scrapping the box. "Alright, get ready!"
"Careful! I don't want to damage them!" Tommy exclaimed.
"You're-" Kimi grunted, snagging the first box and slowly lowering it to Tommy, "-just gonna rip them open so you can play with them!"
"Pose and display! Pose and display!" Tommy said. Under his breath he muttered. "And maybe take them into the bath for old times' sake."
Kimi strained to get the second box, her fingers finally snagging it and pushing it off the shelf. Tommy managed to catch it and put it in the cart. Kimi, however, found that the last box had been pushed a bit too far back on the shelf for her to reach it from her current position and, after several failed attempts, stepped onto the first lower shelf and heaved herself up.
"Got it… got it… WHOA!" Her left foot slipped and she staggered, grabbing the topstock shelf for support. Unfortunately the shelf wasn't designed to support a grown woman's weight and just as she knocked the last box down the shelf began to sway back and forth, metal screeching
"KIMI!" Tommy raced forward, stepping on the last box and leaping up.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kimi shouted as Tommy caught her. The shelf slammed down behind them, inches from Tommy's heels.
"You okay?" Tommy asked.
"You saved me," Kimi said.
"Of course, you're my wife!"
"I meant over the Reptar toys."
"…duh. You're my wife." Tommy looked down, grinning as he spotted the final box. "Besides, looks like this one just has a footprint on it. The toys should be fine-" Tommy was cut off when Kimi grabbed his face and planted a powerful kiss on him. "Uh…"
"Let's get back before Steph returns with the kids… I want to give you a reward, Thomas."
"Really?" Tommy blinked in surprise, setting Kimi down so she could retrieve her shoes from under the shelf. He grabbed the final box and tossed it into the cart while Kimi rooted under the shelf even as she heard one of the Wal-Mart employees page for cleanup.
Kimi looked over her shoulder, knowing that being on her hands and knees just WHAT view she was giving him. "I'll even call you Reptar," she purred, giving her booty a little shake.
"…I have never loved you more than I do right now." Kimi giggled and the two ran up front, pushing their carts to the checkout as they laughed like little kids.
