Lil grunted, her hand flailing out wildly, striking her lamp and sending the water bottle she left on the nightstand tumbling to the floor. She really hoped she'd remembered to put the cap on it but then reasoned they were in a hotel so it wasn't her problem to clean it up. Lil then considered that Langdon, who had gotten more and more jittery as she came closer to her due date, might think her water broke, go into a panting fit, and carry her all the way to the hospital. So she really hoped the cap was on the damn bottle.
Being a Federal Agent meant that Lil was used to late night calls and being the head of a task force that hunted down fugitives meant that she could go from full sleep to wide awake in seconds. When every second counted in a manhunt one couldn't afford to lazily get out of bed and check their phone. No, the moment she heard the buzz-buzz-buzz of her phone Lil was snapping awake and ready to go.
Of course waking up and being coordinated enough to reach over, find said phone, and bring it to her face were two completely different things.
Finally grabbing her phone Lil let out an 'oompf!' as she pushed herself up against the headboard, taking a second to rub her hand along her tummy as a way to apologize to Clair for the rude awakening.
"Hey! I'm trying to sleep!"
Clair did not forgive her.
Lil looked down at her phone and, seeing that the message… no, messages… were from Langdon (oh, and Langdon wasn't in bed next to her… huh)… she pressed her lips together, assuming that he'd most likely gotten riproaring drunk with Phil. He normally was pretty responsible with alcohol but Phil liked to experiment and try new 'blends' that increased the kick of his drinks. Lil had tried it a few times, what with having inherited, along with Phil, their mother's tolerance for booze, and could attest that the stuff could knock you out.
She suddenly chuckled, remember how once she'd slipped Angelica a shot of Phil's special blend and her older friend had ended up nearly dry humping Chuckie right there in the middle of the bar. Booze made Angelica frisky, apparently.
Shaking herself from such thoughts Lil scrolled through the messages.
Lil, wake up! My gay stalker is in the room!
Lil, he's in there with you! In his underwear!
He's waiting for me!
Lil!
Lil, respond if you are okay!
I'm in Phil's bathroom, meet us here so we can plan attack
Phil's tub also has those nice jets
Lil groaned. "Drunk it is then," she muttered. Figuring that he was probably already passed out with Phil (hopefully not in the tub with him… no, check that, Lil really wanted him to be in the tub with Phil as that would be hilarious!), she decided to let her 'cranky sleepy pregnant lady' flag fly and texted back.
Not safe. Gay stalker has captured me. Holding me hostage. Demands your booty and a bottle of wine for my safe return. Love you Lang
She hit send, not realizing that the autocorrect hadn't kicked on and spelled out her boyfriend's full name. Laughing to herself as she switched her phone to sleep mode, Lil settled back into the bed and quickly drifted back to sleep, her last thought being how funny of a story this would be at breakfast.
~MC~MC~MC~
"We need to call the police," Langdon said, his face ashen as he stared at his phone.
Phil looked over his shoulder. "We could just give him what he wants…" Langdon glared at him and Phil rolled his eyes, moving to sit on the edge of the tub. "She's joking! That is Lil being sarcastic."
"No, it's not," Langdon said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "She used our code."
"Your what?"
"The code me and Lil came up with in case one of us is ever kidnapped and typing something under duress. If I'm in danger I sign off the text with 'Love you Lily' and she signs off with 'Love you Lang'. We don't use cutsey bullshit names like those unless something is seriously wrong."
"Geez, really?" Phil said, his good humor fading with that bit of news. It might be that he was tired, or that he'd had too much to drink, but now Phil was really worried that a gay stalker in just his underpants had kidnapped Lil just so he could get at Langdon's bodonkadonk. "Maybe she really is in danger."
"That's what I've been saying!" Langdon looked at his phone and scrolled through contacts. "I'm calling Simmons. He can get an assault team-"
Phil, while concerned, hadn't gone completely down the rabbit hole just yet and grabbed Langdon's wrist to stop him. "Why don't we get the hotel to handle this?" When Langdon stared at him Phil decided to use logic… well, crazy person logic anyway. "If the stalker sees cop lights flashing he might panic. We can set a trap for him, get into the room with the hotel staff, and get the drop on him."
Langdon slowly nodded. "Right… that sounds good. Let's go!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"You thought you could escape me," Kimi said almost manically, staring at the little beanie she was practically strangling in her hands, a huge grin nearly splitting her face in two. "You thought 'oh, there is no way she can win that much, and even if she did she doesn't have the patience! If she does, though, there is no way she'll drop 100 dollars on this game! I'm completely safe! The other losers might be won but not me. I, and I alone, shall remain!' Well, shows what you know, Reptar Sr… because you have been defeated by Kimi Pickles, Mistress of Arcade Games! And with you in my hands, nothing will stop me from taking over the world! NOTHING!" She threw her head back and cackled, lightning striking all around her. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Huh?" Louie gurgled, looking up at his mommy.
Kimi snapped back to reality… and sanity. "oh… oh geez." She looked at her watch and gasped. "Geez! We've been out for over an hour! Your daddy is going to be freaking out… or fast asleep spooning Reptar, it's hard to tell with him." Kimi lifted Louie up, only to set him back down on the air hockey table when she looked at all the beanies around her. She'd emptied the game and there were at least 80 laying around. "Huh… mommy might have overdone it a little." She rubbed her chin. "Now… how to get all these upstairs…"
"I'll helps!" Louie said, grabbing a Cousin Reptberto (with sombrero and moustache… highly culturally offensive) and tried to shove it in his diaper. "Room for more!"
Kimi laughed and gently took the toy from her son. "Thanks Louie but mommy will figure this out…" she ducked down just before Phil and Langdon ran past. "Maybe if I rearrange this…"
Louie grabbed Reptar Sr. "Wule the world! Bwahahahahahaha!" he giggled, Kimi staring at him only slightly concerned.
~MC~MC~MC~
Dil shivered slightly, his legs curling up to meet his chest as he curled his arms around himself, trying to fight the sudden chill. True, it was probably, at most, 70 degrees in the hotel room, but when you had spent the entire day out in the heat and were now just in your underwear that was enough to make it feel like he'd been dropped in the middle of the arctic.
Blinking his eyes as he tried to adjust to the low light, Dil's left hand moved about the bed, trying to find the elusive sheet. He didn't need blankets or covers... a sheet would be enough to see him through the night, or at least until Kimi came back and thought of a brilliant plan to get him back in his own bed next to his fiancée. Feeling nothing below him Dil moved past the pillow he'd placed in the center of bed and began his search anew. Finally, after what felt likes hours but was only seconds, Dil came in contact with the sheet and gave it a small pull.
Tommy grunted in annoyance.
"Tommy, come on," Dil said, tugging on the sheet.
"My blanket," Tommy murmured, still half asleep.
"I need some of the sheet too," Dil said, giving it another tug. Tommy responded by cocoon himself even further, wrapping himself so tight Dil could barely move the sheet. "Tommy!"
"My blanket! Mine!" Tommy snapped.
Dil sat up, a befuddled look on his face. "Why do I have the oddest feeling that you just held a grudge?" Tommy didn't say a word but, after a moment, calmly disentangled himself from the sheet and allowed Dil to get his own fair share. "Thanks."
"No problem," Tommy said with a yawn.
Dil settled down, shifting once or twice before his movements stilled. Silence filled the room... and then...
"Tommy?"
"Yes Dil?"
"You remember how we talk about those recurring dreams we both have? Of us lost in the woods?" Tommy nodded even as Dil flashed to the nightmares of his big brother screaming at him and threatening to give him up to the monkeys. Sometimes they joked about it, figuring it must have been from a movie they saw jumbled up with memories of when they actually had been lost in the woods… but at that moment Dil looked at the ceiling and shivered, hearing his brother tell him how horrible and bad he was. Whenever Dil and Tommy had a fight, even if over the smallest thing, Dil would have that nightmare. "And you remember how all the pictures of us from when I was a newborn are me crying or hitting you and mom and dad talk about me keeping you up all night?"
"Uh huh," Tommy murmured.
"And… and you know how mom said she felt bad because she realized how she and dad neglected you for a while?" Tommy nodded sleepily. "I'm sorry I was a horrible baby."
"It's okay Dil."
"No… its not. I'm really sorry, Tommy."
"Dil?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you so please shut up."
Dil smiled at that, the dream disappearing as he remembered that he wasn't a bad horrible baby anymore… he was an adult and him and his brother were best friends. "I love you too and you too shut up." He paused. "Tommy?"
"Yeah?"
"...is Gordon Ramsey still alive?"
"Yes Dil," Tommy murmured. "He's still alive, making yummy food and cursing at idiots."
"Good," Dil said with a smile. "Good."
The two brothers drifted to sleep.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I simply can't believe it," Mr. Whitherby said, wringing his hands nervously as the elevator ascended. "This is supposed to be the finest of hotels, rivaling the Ritz!"
"...it's a Holiday Inn -YAWN!- Express," Phil said, leaning against the elevator. While he was still concerned about Lil it had taken them nearly 20 minutes to convince the hotel staff that something was going on and then for said staff to wake up the manager. Whitherby, despite having been asleep mere minutes ago, was dressed to the nines, looking as if he'd be a better fit at an English estate than a hotel in California.
"Be that as it may, young man, we simply can't have gay men in their underwear running around at odd hours of the night and breaking into hotel rooms. This isn't the Motel 6."
Phil's borrow furrowed. "What Motel 6 are YOU staying at?"
"Could we focus on saving my girlfriend?" Langdon complained. "She is being held hostage by a pervert and we need to get to her now!" The three of them stared at the back of the elevator, waiting for it to open…
…only for them to realize THIS elevator opened normally.
"Oh… heh," Langdon chuckles before getting serious again. "Alright, let's do this!" He and Phil marched forward, only for Mr. Whitherby to push past them. The manager had worked himself into a huff about the thought of some underwear pervert holding people hostage in HIS hotel and he wouldn't stand by a second longer! Things had to be settled, accounts balanced, debts paid off! This would end, here and now!
"Do not worry, fine customers, I shall handle this. You said it was room 415, correct?"
"Uh… yeah," Langdon said after a moment. "Pretty sure."
"Would be easier if there were numbers on the doors," Phil said.
"There are… you just don't look close enough," Whitherby said, marching up to room 416. "It is engraved on each handle, discreet yet obvious to those who pay attention. That is how I know this is the room where our criminal is and it is time to deal with the ruffian once and for all!" He took out his masterkey and unlocked the door. "ENOUGH I SAY! LET THE WOMAN GO!" He charged in, Phil and Langdon following close behind, the door swinging shut behind them.
Silence loomed in the hallway.
Then the screaming started.
"Oh geez, oh geez!" Phil shouted, running out of the room, Langdon and Whitherby close behind. He pressed themselves against the opposite wall as Angelica stormed out of her room, bare feet slapping against the ground while the blonde clutched a sheet tight to her naked bosom as she glared at the three, trembling with rage. "I'd forgotten how scary that look was."
"YOUR DAMN RIGHT I'M SCARY, DEVILLE!" Angelica roared. "WHY WOULDN'T I BE WHEN THREE PERVERTS BURST INTO MY ROOM! CHUCK! GET OUT HERE!" Chuck slowly came out, using a pillow to hide his crotch, his face hot with embarrassment mixed with annoyance. "Remind me why I can't kill them!"
"Because Melinda will be without a mommy if you go to jail?" Chuck wagered.
Angelica took a step towards the cowering men, teeth grit and eyes blazing fire. "No jury would convict me. Next."
"Uh… you'd get blood on your hands and you just had a manicure. Would be a shame to waste it."
Angelica calmed down at that. "Right… thank you, love." She looked over at him and smiled tenderly before snapping her head back towards Phil, Langdon, and Whitherby, all three paling at glare she directed at them. "What the HELL do you think you were doing you sick weirdos?! What kind of weird game is this?!"
"It isn't weird!" Phil exclaimed, waving his arms in front of him in a panic. "Honest!"
"Yeah!" Langdon exclaimed. "We were looking for a gay guy."
"…okay, admitedly it is a little weird," Phil admitted.
"Oh, is that the lie you are going with?" Angelica snarled, spinning on her heels and marching back towards Chuck, the sheet looking like a Greek goddess' dress. That image didn't help the fear that Angelica was 2 seconds away from smiting them. "I think you sickos were trying to cop a peep! Admit it! I know you've fantasized about me… who wouldn't?"
"No, seriously madam," Whitherby said, trying to diffuse the situation, "while you are lovely we were trying to end a gay hostage situation-"
"A likely story!" Angelica snapped.
"How is that a likely story?" Chuck asked. "What stories are you reading?" He grew pale. "You're… not reading those to Melinda, right?"
"Hush," Angelica said, turning once more to focus on the inadvertent peeping toms. "You want a peak, do you? Well fine!" She reached over… and ripped the pillow away from Chuck. "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!" she roared, reaching over and grabbing Chuck's… chuckie… and giving it a wiggle.
Phil, Langdon, and Whitherby froze in shock with the former two's faces twisting into a look of horror while making squeaks that sounded like a cross between the aliens from 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' and a pig having a heart attack.
Chuck wasn't doing much better. "Angelica!" he cried out, ducking behind her. "I thought you were going to flash them!"
"What? Puh-lease, like I'd ever do that. The only man that gets to see me naked is you."
"Oh…" Chuck said, oddly touched by her comment. "Wait… then why did you make ME flash them?"
Angelica shrugged, turning and opening her sheet so Chuck could quickly join her. Wrapping the two of them up she kissed him on the cheek. "I'm not jealous and you are sexy as hell… I like showing the world what I come home to every night."
"…I am touched, horrified, and oddly aroused," Chuck said, puzzling over his emotions.
"Then lets deal with the last one first," Angelica said with a naughty grin, leading him back inside, shutting the door behind her and making sure to slide the chain lock in place, just in case. "Now then, where were… oh no." Angelica froze, shoulders slumping as she stared at a wide awaken Melinda, the baby having stripped down and was now spinning her diaper over her head, wiggling her naked bottom.
"It's so clear now!" the baby exclaimed. "In order to bweak down negative stereomites we must emb'ace our fwaws! Show the world who we are!" She threw her little head back and screamed in glee. "I LOVE MY CHUBBY THIGHES!"
"Raincheck?" Chuck asked weakly.
A diaper hit Angela.
"Raincheck," Angelica said, walking over to redress and feed Melinda while Chuck searched for their pajamas.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What the hell is going on?" Gina muttered as she opened the door and stepped into the hallway, a yawning Petey in her arms; she'd just given him his bottle when she heard the racket. "Phil? What are you doing?"
"….eeeeeeeeeee," Phil said, unable to move, face still locked in horror at what he had seen.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," Gina snarked.
Lil's door opened and the pregnant woman padded out, looking first at her brother and then at Langdon. She had been angry at being woken up but seeing her boyfriend's horror twisted face her heart melted. "Oh no… Phil gave you way too much of his special blend, didn't he?"
"Chuck… chuck… dingaling…" Langdon murmured in a daze, sounding like a solider coming back to camp after his first battle.
Lil cooed and wrapped her arm around him. "It's okay, you just need to sleep it off. Gina, can you get Phil to bed? I'll handle this poor baby."
"You already have a baby and you can't even handle me!" Clair complained. "Let! Me! Sleep!"
"Yeah, I'm sadly used to this." Gina grabbed Phil's hand and gently led him back inside. "Come on, Phillip; let's get you tucked in so you can rest off your chemical insanity."
"…eeeeee," Phil said.
"Daddy is broken!" Petey giggled. "Fix him with studriver!"
Their doors shut, leaving Mr. Whitherby standing alone, his face a pale white and his jaw working without even a peep being heard. Finally, after several seconds he began to wander away, brushing past Kimi who was carrying a sleeping Louie in one arm while dragging a garbage bag full of beanie Reptars with the other.
"What the-?" Kimi said just as Steph and Tommy, at the same time, opened their doors.
"Did someone hear screaming?" Steph asked.
"I don't know," Tommy said, scratching his head. "I was having a dream about a steel mill and a lot of dancing when suddenly Angelica showed up and started screaming. That's when I woke up."
"Weird," Dil said, stepping beside his brother and wrapping his arm around him. "I had the same dream!"
Steph looked at her fiancée. "Dil… why are you in Tommy's room in just your underpants?"
"…why wouldn't I be?" Dil bluffed.
The camerawoman just sighed and tossed him his room card. "Don't wake the baby." With that she shut the door.
"Neat," Dil said, fingering the card, before turning to Kimi. "Hey, do you think Tommy should begin manscaping?"
