Tommy smiled as he turned onto the main drive of their old subdivision and began to slowly make his way along the rows of standard late 80s/early 90s homes. There were a few homes that were what they now called McMansions, like Angelica's remodeled childhood home, but most of the area was the same middle class housing that one saw in cartoons and movies. Just seeing the different houses, so unchanged after all these years, made him feel young again.
"Everything seemed so much bigger back then, didn't it?" Chuck said. He was in the passenger seat of Tommy's rented van, acting as his copilot once more. Tommy remembered fondly his first car and how he and Chuck (back when he'd first transformed from Chuckie into Chuck) would cruise around with no real destination in mind, purely enjoying the freedom of having their own set of wheels.
"It didn't get smaller," Angelica said from the middle row. "Our world view got larger." She was sitting with Steph and Dil while Kimi rode in the back with the babies, making sure none of them got fussy being in a new vehicle. "Still... it also makes me feel smaller. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah," Kimi said with a soft smile, almost pressing her nose to the glass. She'd of course been back many times to visit her folks but this trip, for reasons she couldn't explain other than something in her gut telling her so, felt different. "This was the first place that was... home. I don't remember Japan and I have very vague memories of France... it's almost a dream... but this was home. It is home."
Tommy nodded, checking to see if anyone was behind him before slowing down to a leisurely 10 miles per hour; he sensed his family wanted to stop and stare. "Yeah. When people ask me where I live I have to catch myself from giving mom and dad's address."
"I'm not that bad but I get your point," Angelica said. "Sometimes I'll be at home and need to get cereal and go to the wrong cupboard because my mom always kept it on the bottom shelf."
Chuck smiled softly, turning so Tommy couldn't see his face. "I'll wake up at night sometimes and wonder what is wrong because I'm not in my bed... my old bed."
Dil, his voice melancholy, whispered, "We worked so hard to get away and some days all I want to do is go back."
The others silently agreed.
"...well, this is oddly emotional," Steph said, trying to sound sarcastic but her wavering voice proved that she was getting emotional too.
"It's natural," Chuck stated. "For most people their first home is where they felt the most safe. It was when you had the least responsibilities and the most protection. Your family home is where there was love. You didn't have the traumas of real life bogging you down and if you were sad or lonely you could easily find someone who loved you. We spend the first 18 years of our lives trying to grow up so we can leave and then spend the rest of our lives trying to recreate what we once had." He turned around and, looking at Angelica, smiled. "And if you're lucky... you do just that."
His wife gave him a watery smile.
"So... what do you think the big horrible news is going to be?" Dil blurted out.
Tommy frowned as he began to speed up again, taking the van along one of the roundabouts that had been built a few years after he'd left home to work with Nigel. "What are you talking about?"
"The horrible news," Dil said. "The reason why we are all going to have this lunch."
"Dil, they just want to have lunch with us," Chuck said slowly, using the same tone he'd use when explaining to Melinda why socks were not part of the food pyramid (why his daughter hated to WEAR socks but didn't mind GUMMING socks he'd never know).
"Come on, you can't believe that blatant lie, can you? It is so clear that something big is up and they are going to stuff us full of food to soften the blow."
"Why is everything a conspiracy with you?" Angelica complained. "Remember last month when you claimed that Zootopia was propaganda by the Furry Illuminati?"
Dil ignored her mocking and continued. "I'm telling you, our lives are about to change and not for the better."
Tommy sighed as he turned onto their street. "Trust me Dil, there is nothing-"
"I bet dad had an affair."
Tommy slammed on the brakes.
"WHAT?!" he screamed, putting the van in park and twisting around to glare at his brother.
"Tommy!" Kimi snapped. "Don't do that! You freaked the babies out."
"We were going 10 miles per hour and they've slept through monsoons," Tommy grunted.
Louie looked about, confused. "We going even slower now?" He wiggled, as if that would make the van go faster.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Tommy asked Dil.
"What? Dad is still a virile man. I mean Grandpa Lou and Grandma Lulu were going at it when they were 20 years older than dad is now."
"Oh come on!" Chuck complained.
"No, seriously, they were!" Dil said.
~Many Years Ago…~
"What's dat?" 1-year old Dil mumbled to himself as he wandered through the his grandpa's place. Tommy had to go to the doctor and his mommy had decided to leave him at the tired home so he wouldn't get bored in the waiting room. His grandpa and grandma had played with him and fed him lunch and set him down for a nap but he'd woken up to find Grandpa and Grandma not around and the sounds of some creature grunting coming from down the hall. Being a brave baby Dil had grabbed his blankey and an empty bottle and gone to check things out. "Is that a monster? Or… alieums!" He grew excited at that. He so wanted to meet an alien and talk to them! He'd always dreamed about it. "Alieum! Alieum!" he called out, toddling down the hall and pushing open the door to his grandpa's room, where the noise was coming the loudest, only to blink and tilt his head in confusion. "G'andpa?"
"Fif…teen…more…!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"It's my earliest childhood memory," Dil said with a smile. "He was on his back and Grandma Lulu was-"
"I am not hearing this, I am not hearing this!" Angelica sang, covering her ears.
"But come on, is it that shocking to think dad would have an affair?"
Tommy just stared at his brother. "...yes! He loves mom!"
"And he's also gone through a ton of life changes. New job, us moving out... this could be his 'I'm too old to have a midlife crisis but I'm having one anyway' crisis."
"Dylan," Steph said, trying to get the situation under control, "I'm sure your mom and dad aren't getting a divorce."
Dil paled. "I hadn't even thought of that!" He ran his palm along his buzzed head. "Geez, that is even worse. Mom is probably a wreck, will need us for comfort-"
"Dad isn't cheating on mom!" Tommy roared.
"Tommy!" Kimi shouted. "Stop it! You'll scare the babies."
"Sometimes yelling is the best way to rewease pent up emotion," Melinda said sagely. "Let it all out, Unca Tommy!"
"When I rewease pent up stuff they change my diapee," Louie pointed out.
Brian nodded. "I could go for one of those!" He began to strain a bit. "Nope. Nothing."
"Keep trying to achieve a breaky-thoo."
Louie grimaced. "He breaky-thoo them and its gonna be stinky!"
"Besides," Chuck said, "why would my mom and dad invite us to lunch too if your dad wanted to tell you guys he was cheating on your mom?"
Dil rubbed his chin, considering this new information. "Good point... I bet Kira is cheating on your dad too."
Now it was Kimi and Chuck's turn to shout.
"Yes, yes, we are making gweat pwogress!" Melinda said, the car dissolving away until they were sitting in a small room, like one you'd find at a community center. Everyone was sitting in folding chairs, even the babies, and off to the side there was weak coffee and some free donuts. Melinda was no longer in her cute little red shirt and matching leggings (her booties long tossed to Petey to play with); instead she was wearing a tasteful pantsuit (but still her flower headband) and had a pad of paper and a pen in her chubby hands. "In order to get to the woot of your emotional issues you must be willing to share them, even if that means yelling and crying and wanting a bottle!" She turned to Aunt Kimi. "Why don't you start?"
Kimi turned and glared at Dil. "How could you say that about my mom?"
"Well, it can't be your dad... let's face it, he really lucked out getting your mom in the first place. No way he strikes gold twice."
"HEY!" Chuck said, jabbing a finger at Dil.
The youngest of the friends just shrugged his shoulders. "What? It's true! Kira is a babe! Tommy, you should be thanking you're lucky stars... if Kimi gets Kira's genes you are going to be set for life!"
"...oh my god, are you perving on my mom?!" Kimi asked in disgust.
Melinda, who'd been drawing a horsey, looked up and pursed her lips. "I don't know what perving means. Does it mean to love snuggles? Because I love snuggles! I am such a perv!"
"Me too!" Brian exclaimed.
"WE'RE ALL PERVS!" Louie screeched.
"What?" Dil asked, Melinda's imagination spot fading back to reality. "You're mom is hot. Like… super, super hot."
"Oh god," Kimi groaned.
Tommy's brow furrowed and he pressed his lips together into a tight little line. "Dil… remember when you were 15 and we were swimming and you went inside to get a towel and accidently walked in on Kira changing into her bikini?"
"Uh huh."
"That wasn't an accident, was it?"
Dil merely wagged his eyebrows.
"…somebody hit him!" Chuck said, gagging.
"OW!"
"Thanks Ang!"
Dil rubbed the back of his head. "I don't get what everyone's problem is."
"You are saying our parents are cheating!" Tommy exclaimed.
"Can we get back to him sneaking peaks at my mom?!" Kimi complained.
"I snuck peeks on everyone's mom," Dil said with a shrug.
Angelica's eyes went wide and the urge to throttle Dil and vomit began to battle each other.
"Oddly enough Betty seemed the least shocked. I still think she lingered too long getting that bra back on…"
"Well," Steph said, trying to defend her fiancée, "at least he didn't say they were cheating with each other."
Dil's eyes went wide while Chuck just looked at Steph in horror. "Dear god woman, what have you done?"
"They are CHEATING WITH EACH OTHER!" Dil exclaimed, pressing his hands to the sides of his head. "Our dad is sleeping with Kira, the lucky bastard!"
Steph just looked at Chuck, shaking her head. "I am so, so sorry."
"Too late for that! Now he's stuck on that rail and nothing will get the train to stop!"
"That's it… that is the only explanation! Our dad and Kira have been sleeping together. It probably started while mom was teaching… dad was lonely and Chaz couldn't fulfill Kira's sexual needs-"
"Hey!" Chuck shouted. "Yes he could." He paused, considering what he'd just said and in a tone that sounded more like when he was Chuckie than Chuck he cried, "Oh god I just said my dad had sex with my mom. Oh god, I said my dad was good at sex with my mom!" He turned and grabbed Tommy's arm. "Make him stop! Make him stop!"
"I've been trying for 30 years!" Tommy exclaimed.
"So dad and Kira probably wouldn't have risked doing it in either of their beds," Dil said, not hearing his friends and family arguing. "I bet they used our beds… hey Kimi, did you ever think you wet the bed but your clothing was dry?"
"Make him stop!" Kimi wailed.
"Of course, maybe it was my mom and Chaz… no, couldn't be."
"Why not?" Angelica asked. The others all turned and stared at her in horror, wondering why she was encouraging Dil. "Not my parents and the cell reception sucks at the moment… need some entertainment. I've gone from being disgusted to intrigued."
Dil quickly answered. "Red heads don't date other red heads. We know that is too much crazy. Like shaking old dynamite." He pantomimed an explosion.
Chuck opened his mouth to complain only to slowly close his jaw. "Okay, he does have a point there."
"Thank you," Dil said with a polite nod. "So, dad and Kira begin to bone-"
"UUGGGGGHHH!" Tommy, Kimi, and Chuck moaned.
"-and realize that they are a perfect match. Dad is too free-spirited for mom… she just chained him down with her baby books and demands he not eat cake for breakfast and didn't let him fly like the grand stallion he was-"
"That doesn't even…" Steph just stopped, waving her hands in front of her. "Nope, forgot this was already insane, not going to try to introduce logic."
"-and Kira is too adventurous to be with a man who wears his socks during the act of love making-"
"Tommy, please drive us into a lake," Kimi whimpered. "I'll toss myself and the babies out. Angelica, make sure Dil stays strapped in."
Angelica, meanwhile, had pressed record on her phone holding it up to film Dil as he went full on conspiracy theory nutjob. "Oh, I am going to keep this for times when I need a smile."
"Or when I need to induce vomiting," Chuck moaned.
"That too!" Angelica said with a grin; she may have been more humble and caring but that didn't mean she was all sugar plums.
Dil had an almost maniac grin on his face as he put all the puzzle pieces together. "But they couldn't deny their connection… yes, there was the hot monkey lovin'-"
"I should have given you to the monkeys when I had the chance," Tommy muttered.
"-but there was also passion, romance, a deep emotional bond that they'd never felt before. And now, after all these years, they are bringing us together to tell us that they are in love and are going to get married and grow old together! This is them breaking the big news that Kira is going to be our new mommy! Their epic love story can no longer be hidden and they will not be ashamed of the passion they hold for each other and today is the day they shout to the world, "We love each other and you will not keep us apart!" ."
"Awwww," Chuck said before realizing what he was doing. "Ugggh."
"Well, nothing we can do but go and face the music. Come on bro… sis… Chuck-bro." And with that Dil opened the door of the van and hopped out, walking up the sidewalk and to the door.
"Dil, that's not our house!" Tommy called out. "I just stopped here while you… Angelica, can you…"
"On it," Angelica said, hopping out of the van. After a few moments (and some pained yelps from Dil) she returned with her squirming cousin's head tucked on her arm. "Back in the van, drooly."
"Aw, you haven't called me that in years," Dil gasped as he struggled to breathe.
"Thank you Angelica," Tommy said, shifting back into drive and continuing the last bit to his house.
~MC~MC~MC~
Washington DC- The Home of Susie Carmichael and Ash O'Mally
"Hi!"
"Hi!"
"Oh mommy!"
"Uh, my mommy."
"My mommy!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"They fightin' again?" Ash asked as he entered the nursery, two bottles of Gatorade in his hands. Susie was lying on her belly, feet swaying back and forth, watching as her twin 4 month old girls laid on their stomachs, occasionally raising their heads up to look at her before plopping back down on the soft carpet with little 'oompfs'. She was doing Tummy Time with Gwen and Jen, which was supposed to ensure that their little skulls developed properly. Chuck Finster reasoned, however, that Tummy Time also made for great bonding between parent and child and with how much work Susie had at the Capital any chance she got to be with her girls was a blessing.
At the moment Gwen and Jen were giving each other the baby version of the 'Death Glare' and were feebly trying to swipe at the other one with their pudgy little hands. Of course they couldn't actually do more than wiggle so they were pretty much stuck where they were and thus their blows came no where near the other one.
"Yup," Susie said with a grin, sitting up and accepting a bottle from her husband. They'd met when Susie had begun going to his restaurant, Black Irish, and he had come out personally to see how she liked her meal. Soon she'd been coming almost every day and Ash began seating her at the chef's table in the kitchen, chatting with her as he prepared meals, explaining what he was doing while she gave him the lowdown of the Capital. Susie was a horrible cook and had once managed to cause a peanut butter sandwich to burst into flames… when she was no where near an oven. Ash couldn't care less about politics and had thought states were run by Grand Moffs like in Star Wars. Their careers had nothing to do with each other and didn't connect in the slightest.
It was a match made in heaven.
When they'd married Ash had been completely understanding of Susie keeping her maiden name. When she worked long hours he made the precious time they did have with each other count. When she'd wanted to get back to work a month and a half after giving birth he'd supported her 100%. He didn't really understand WHAT she did but he knew it was important. In return Susie understood that she'd married less of a career man and more of a mad artist; so if she woke up in the middle of the night and smelled fish being grilled it just meant Ash had woken up with inspiration for a new dish and she should just fall back to sleep.
"What is it this time? What's got the lasses upset now?" Ash asked, sitting down next to her and watching the twins grunt at each other. To complete the utter uniqueness of her husband while he looked like any other African American he'd been born and raised is Ireland until he came over to the States at 18 and spoke with a thick Irish brogue.
"I think they are fighting over me," Susie said with a grin. She reached out and tickled them. "Isn't that right?"'
"Hahahahaha… my mommy!"
"Heehehehehehe! My mommy! Mine!"
"At least the lasses are too young to be screamin' and slammin' doors," Ash said.
Susie nodded, a playful grin on her face. "Watch this." She reached up and grabbed Gwen, picking her up and placing her just out of sight of Jen.
"Huh?" Jen said in confusion, picking her head up and looking around. She suddenly realized that someone was missing and didn't like it. "Gwen? Gwen?"
"Jen!" her twin called out, struggling to lift herself up and find the baby that looked like her (the concept of 'twins' hadn't really sunk in yet with the two). The two began to whimper, their earlier fighting forgotten when they realized they were alone. "Jen!"
"Look at them fuss," Ash said, moving to pick up first Gwen and then Jen. "They do love each other!" The little twins, seeing the other, instantly hugged each other, pudgy fingers curling around the other's shirt. "Except when the lasses are fightin' with each others."
Susie let out a content sigh. "Now as long as they don't eat worms like Lil and Phil I'll be happy." Easing herself up ('dear god, when did I get so old I couldn't he stand up without groaning?') Susie rotated her arms to work the kinks out before heading towards her and Ash's bedroom, her husband a few steps behind with the murmuring, gurgling twins. "Alright, so we have a few days to pack and plenty of stuff to do on both our ends so we'll have to split up tasks. You have that dinner for the Friends of the Landfill so you'll need to go soon so I'll take the first packing shift. Tomorrow I have to meet with Congressmen Underwood-" Susie came to a stop, staring in surprise at the already packed suitcases that were lined up at the door. Even Gwen and Jen's bags were ready to go. "Ash… what…"
"Surprise!" Ash said cheerfully, moving so he could kiss Susie on the cheek. "Already packed and we are ready to go."
"But… when did you-"
"I took the last three days off and packed while you were in meetings," Ash said simply. "I own the friggin' restaurant, Susan, I can do whatever I want. That's why I have other chefs workin' for me… they know they need to do things right or I'll punt them on their arses. They were gonna be runnin' things anyway while we were gone so I am showing them plenty of confidence and giving them a few days head start."
"But… what about the benefit? The Friends of the Landfill are… wait… Friends of the LANDFILL?" Susie groaned as she finally actually listened to what she was saying. "They don't exist, do they?"
"Yeah, surprised you didn't catch on sooner to that one." Ash laid Gwen and Jen on the bed, the 4 month olds kicking their little feet as he tickled their tummies.
"Okay, that's nice for you but I still have my meeting with Underwood-"
"I already talked with him," Ash said, startling Susie. "Told him that you had to sadly cancel because there were two constituents from your district that needed your attention."
"…you were referring to the girls."
"Yeah," Ash said. "He saw through it too but said he understood. He said originally he was meeting with you to ensure that you were on board with the PBS something or other bill but a guy named Alex had already called him to, and I quote, "bitterly admit defeat", so he really was just going to thank you and take you to lunch. I told him that if he postponed it for two weeks I'd treat him and his wife to a free dinner at Black Irish and he accepted. Nice guy even if my mum would say he was a slippery snake in the grass."
Susie looked about the room, trying to catch up to all the revelations. "So… we're all packed. We have no commitments…"
"And our plan leaves in a few hours," Ash said, pulling out the tickets. "I told your mum and da what I was plannin' and they paid for first class tickets. We leave at 2pm and should be in California at… uh… 2 pm? I don't know timezones."
"We get to go early," Susie said, eyes wide in shock. "We'll get to go to Mr. Deville's party!"
"I'm hopin' this is excited shouting."
"Very excited," Susie said with a grin, kissing Ash hard on the lips. She released him, leaving him a bit dazed, and picked up her girls. "We are going on vacation!"
"Mine!" Gwen said, grabbing Susie's ear.
"Mine!" Jen declared, pulling on some of her mommy's hair.
