Sophia's Chronicles

Chapter 41: The Aftermath

Sophia's House, Illinois – 11 July 2011, 11.06am

Too loud. It was too loud. Not the world, no. The world was in perfect calm at that moment, like it had been granted a day just like the one when humans first came upon the Garden of Eden – a perfect harmony of Heaven and Earth. Perhaps it had to be this way. I had to be lying on that couch in my living room, facing the ceiling with barely any thoughts of getting up, while the world around me spun and brimmed with life and love. My world had to crumble just as everyone else's was built up. After that alternate reality that Khaos made me live, I had gotten everything back. Everything that He had taken from me. Yet I felt like I had nothing. What was left was a void in my chest where my sense of self used to be. Truly I did not know what to feel or think. It wasn't that I didn't feel anything – emotions racked my body from all sides. There was a great tiredness in my muscles and a throbbing ache in my chest. But I simply felt dissociated, like I could see all these emotions and thoughts yet not commit to them and experience them like they were mine. Again and again, one question came to mind: What have I done? It kept repeating in my head, like a broken tape recorder connected to a speaker whose volume increased every time the question was uttered. Soon, it was accompanied by the sound of ringing bells that became noisier and more crowded in my head. Loud, yes, it was too loud.

Then he came home. My head noise fell deadly silent. It was almost like a vision or a dream, the kind humans have when they were gifted with psychic abilities. I simply stared as he stood at the doorway in this vessel I did not recognise. He must have jumped into the first human that said 'yes', which meant that neither of us knew how much time he had left before the vessel burnt out and he would have to search for another one again. I studied the vessel. The man had dark hair and a clean-shaven face. He wore a loosely-tucked white shirt in formal attire which suggested that he could not wait to get away from whatever formal setting he was in. Or he just got fired. Or he came out of a job interview. All these mundane things that humans had going for them. Everything they did was inconsequential. Good for them.

"Honey, I'm home!" Lucifer smiled widely. He seemed ecstatic to see me. Why was he so happy? How could he be so happy? Couldn't he feel what was to come?

I remained in my seat, only sitting up slowly and tenderly placing my feet on the ground. He stepped in and knelt in front of me eagerly. His shoes were still on but I didn't care. I barely said a word before he enveloped me in his arms and embraced me. The familiar feeling of him against me felt too good but this time I could not be happy about it. I hated myself for wanting to return the gesture but my hands instinctively wrapped around his waist and his head leaned against mine.

"I missed you every single day in the cage," he said, before turning his head and kissing me profusely on the lips and cheeks. This felt so wrong. I was completely undeserving of his boundless affection. I had done nothing but ruin his life and yet he treasured me. I decided I would not stand for this anymore. My fingers gently came between our lips and pushed him away. He stopped, holding my fingers in his hand and gazing at me instead. "Thank you for getting me out." Stop.

"It wasn't me," I uttered so softly that I could barely hear myself. I cleared my throat and attempted to speak again. "I was working on something but this wasn't me."

For a moment his eyes roved over my face. Then he cracked that wide grin again and smirked. "Doesn't matter. I'm just glad to be out of there." He grabbed my face and began kissing me again before I could protest. He paused suddenly, studying my face again. "You seem tired. Must be from chasing our little Hellraiser through the fields. Where is the little scamp anyway?" He looked upwards, probably scanning the upper floors. "Is he sleeping?"

My words were stuck in my throat. My mind went blank. How would I even begin? My body was so tired. I had never felt so tired before. I didn't know if I had the strength to give him the full explanation. I didn't know if I had the strength to deal with his reaction – his anger, his sadness, his determination to make things right. Much worse than that, I didn't know if I had the strength to face his judgment. God's judgment seemed much more preferable in comparison. With Lucifer so close to me and expecting an answer, I felt constricted. My chest felt heavy and my lower lip quivered. I got up immediately and walked out through the glass doors on the side of the house. Lucifer trailed behind, not saying a word. I walked and I walked and I walked past the rows of plants and came to an abrupt stop. I stood before a small plot where saplings had grown to my height, bearing fertile flowers and healthy green leaves. These were Luciel's. He had made these. This was all I had left of him. My hand stroked its stalk, feeling its fresh life.

The air suddenly turned cold and a gentle breeze brushed against the saplings, causing them to sway. A single rain droplet fell from the sky and splattered on a leaf, leaving minuscule orbs on its surface. I couldn't control myself anymore. My knees collapsed, my shoulders shuddered and I wept into my hands. The skies imitated my emotion, shedding tears of their own. Soon, I felt a warmth on my right side as Lucifer took me into his arms. I didn't need to look at his face to know he was probably really confused and becoming increasingly worried.

"What's wrong?" he asked. It only made me sob more vigorously and I dug my head into his chest.

His hands found my shoulders and he pulled me away from him. "Tell me, what's wrong?" he asked again. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at him. A burning red sore had appeared on his right temple. The vessel was beginning to burn out.

"I-I can't…" my choked voice replied. Again, I began sobbing uncontrollably and leaned into him for comfort. I could feel his body beginning to deteriorate quickly.

"Did something happen? Tell me," he demanded with a firmer tone.

"Y-You don't want to know." His shirt was bundled tightly under my grip on his shoulders.

He pulled me away again, this time his grasp on my upper arms becoming more rigid. "Tell me," he commanded.

I shook my head. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. How painful must it be to find out that our son was thrown into a place that we told horror stories of to baby angels in Heaven? Knowing it was one thing, but saying it out loud was like reliving the pain of that moment when I pleaded Khaos to take him away out of sheer desperation. I just couldn't bear to think about what I had done anymore. My silence only aggravated my lover. I could see his eyes glistening with tears. His mind was probably already racing with possibilities. And he was running out of time too – the number of red sores on his vessel had grown exponentially and were giving off a soft hissing sound as they burnt. His skin began to turn a deadly pale colour.

He shook my shoulders once as though to snap me out of my thoughts. "Where is our son, Sophia?" he asked accusingly. This was the tone I was afraid of. And I had no easy answers to give him. The longer I stalled, the louder the hissing sounds became. He only had seconds left. "Say something!"

"He's dead!" I yelled at once, heaving deep breaths as silence fell between us. The loud patter of rain drops on the fields filled the silence. "He's dead," I repeated, my voice becoming softer this time. This was probably easier to believe, and easier to deal with. If Lucifer thought our son was dead, he would mourn him and move on with his life. If he knew the truth, he wouldn't stop at anything to get our son back and I couldn't risk Khaos screwing with us any longer.

"What?" Lucifer asked as though he didn't believe it. His breaths grew more rapid and his vessel became greyer. His eyes softened and he slowly shook his head. "You're lying."

"I'm not," I spat out. "Your son is dead. Please don't ask me anything else," I begged as my voice became clearer and the tears stopped.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. His head tilted slightly and the lost look on his face felt like a stab in my chest. "H-how…" he began. His vessel's skin dried completely and began turning to ash. He didn't have any time left. He exited the vessel, his bright essence shooting skyward as a glowing beam, and flew away in search of another one, leaving me alone with the ashen remains of some dead human.


It wouldn't be long before he returned. A voice in my head only said to get away from there. So I ran. It seemed like the only thing I was consistently sure of. I went wherever my wings took me. To a beach in Miami, to a vineyard in Italy, to the Swiss Alps – I felt dissatisfied by every location. None could soothe my inner turmoil. I felt a thousand thoughts race through my mind, every one seeming like a good idea one moment and then like too much effort the next.

I just wanted to lie down somewhere in a fetal position and preferably lose myself to the ground. But that would be impossible for a being like me. A sardonic chuckle escaped my lips, forming a cloud of white mist from my warm breath. Look at how weak I'd become, broken to bits by Khaos. My enemies would be happy to see me like this. Those Winchesters would probably be grateful to Khaos. To think that an archangel of Heaven had become like this! I was nothing compared to Khaos. I felt so weak, so vulnerable, and this made me furious. My fingers trembled just at the thought of how easily I'd been defeated. Sure, I could destroy the Earth with ease – it would take a carefully planned course of attacks – but it meant nothing in the face of Khaos. What would have taken me months took him three days.

What was the solution to it all? I had to get out of here. And by 'here', I meant the Earth. I stared at the night sky from the Himalayas, colourful prayer flags dancing in the strong mountain breeze in the distance. It seemed like the most logical thing to do. Whatever held me together and made me strong had been stripped away from me in that alternate reality. I was being hunted by beings lesser than me – angels and demons – and the threat of them devouring me in their manic hatred was more real than I had wanted to entertain before. The earth that I loved so much for its beauty and elegance was being torn apart using my essence and physically this felt like my life was being sucked out of me. Most importantly, everyone that I ever cared about was brutally destroyed right before me. Nothing remained to define me in that reality and somehow I still felt stuck in that moment even when everything returned to normal.

Did I give up too easily? Did my son pay the price for what could only be my lack of willpower to face off a bully? I felt my knees going weak again and collapse on the chilly ground beneath me. I couldn't possibly explain all of this to Lucifer. He was strong; he faced off every trial sent his way with gritted teeth and the determination to conquer. I couldn't even compare to him. I had failed him. What would he think of what I did? I didn't want to find out. I would have to leave. I couldn't face him anymore. Not without proper answers.

And my son – what pain he would have to endure! It was possibly a fate worse than death. What I did to him was worse than any sin God would shun. I had to pay the price. Everyone I cared about was probably better off that way. Even those Winchesters, who I hated but made formidable enemies. I huffed. Only Khaos could have shown me that I had an inkling of compassion for humans. And for what? Why did I go through this? I needed answers and only one person had them.


Aphelia's Arch, Edge of The Universe

The Arch was a difficult place to find but its unique golden shine could not be missed. I stood alone on the sandy ground among the dilapidated buildings. They had windows but no glass which made it look like the windows were eyes into Khaos' mind – dark and unknowable. Was I really about to do it? Accept Khaos' offer? And what would that entail but an eternal reminder of my failures…

"Don't do it," a familiar voice said behind me. I turned around and came face to face with the sickly-thin figure of Death, ornate black cane in one hand.

"Why shouldn't I?" my own voice sounded tired and low.

"Because you can still fix things. All is not lost," he said with the same deadpan expression he had had for eons. Yet his voice suggested that he cared.

"Easy for you to say. Do you even remember what happened?"

"I do. But that is not real anymore. What you have now is real. You have Lucifer and your friends back," he reasoned.

"And what will I tell them, huh? I have become the worst sinner of them all!"

"So you think this is better? Doing what Khaos wants?"

"You're the one who said to let Him win!" I shot back.

"So that you could have peace again!"

I paused, glaring at him. "I have anything but peace!" I took a few deep breaths. "I don't deserve to be around them. I deserve whatever horrible fate Khaos has in store for me."

"That's not true," he rebutted. "You can still turn this around. You are not at fault here. You are the victim. When you understand that, you can spite Him. Go back to Earth. Tell Lucifer the truth. Deal with your loss together. Have a life with him!"

I averted my gaze, shaking my head slowly. "I can't..." It seemed so wrong to me. It seemed unfair to the memory of my son. I couldn't fix things in my life when he would never have the chance to be loved by us again. "How can I even move on from this?"

I felt something on my arm and I looked up to see Death's hand rested on it. "You can. You're the cosmic rebel. You and Lucifer. You rebelled against your parents because that is what you were meant to do. You were persecuted by these beings because that is what is meant to happen to you. You shouldn't give up! The universe needs rebels to keep its order."

"Look, I get it, I really do. But I can't live with myself if I don't do this," I spoke weakly.

He sighed. We both remained in silence as we stared into the Arch, the gateway to the Void. I was mentally preparing myself for a goodbye but he broke the silence first. "Did you ever think about the conditions inscribed on the vault for your release? What they all actually meant?" he asked.

"They're probably all meaningless anyway. Khaos said so Himself that He never wanted me to face the vault for rejecting the third condition," I answered blankly. "He said freedom was a metaphor for me escaping the constraints of my universe."

"And if you pursue this brand of freedom, I am afraid you are giving Him exactly what He wants. You see, the conditions weren't just a means to get you out of the vault. They were meant to make it easier for you to leave this universe. The first condition was the vessel. Lucifer took this young woman, who is gifted with the ability to manipulate angel magic and has your personality, out of a mundane life and threw her into the realm of the divine. She represents you. The second condition was her soul. Her soul belongs to Lucifer and it is stated that he must protect it. Do you know why that is?"

I knew about the soul. It didn't seem like an important matter. But if a soul is meant to be protected... "She can't be turned into a demon." And I knew how much Lucifer was inclined to corrupt human souls.

"Exactly. She remains intact as a human being. The purity and life-loving nature of her human soul is meant to be preserved."

"I don't understand what this implies."

"Think about it. Lucifer, the first to pervert human souls, is now bound by a cosmic bond to protect the soul of a human who resembles you in many ways. She can fulfil the void you leave here. It is inevitable," he explained. "She was set up by Khaos for this purpose alone."

I contemplated how that would work. Zara, taking my place as Lucifer's source of guidance and support. It seemed fitting, actually. "I don't see how that's a problem," I surmised. "Lucifer would not have cause to miss me while I do this, then." That certainly made it easier to leave. If Zara "took my place", he would not have to face ordeals alone as I'd always feared.

Death sighed, probably discouraged by my perspective of things. I couldn't help it; I'd already made up my mind to go to Khaos. "You resemble God sometimes..." he lamented. "My point is that, if you let the conditions play out as they're supposed to, it would be the ultimate victory for Khaos. If you stay and work things out with Lucifer as I suggested, you will be denying Him that victory. You want to punish yourself on this insane quest, fine, but don't let Him have His way."

That... made sense. It was also extremely specific. Death must really hate Khaos if he was telling me in such detail what I ought to do, since he usually resorted to cryptic statements that vexed me. "Look at you getting all caring..."

"You know I want to spite my father," he waved it off. "But I suppose, in the deep recesses of my being, I do find you to be somewhat likeable."

"That's really sweet of you to say," I remarked. Despite everything that had happened, this gave me a glimmer of happiness. Maybe I would do as he said after all.

"Don't get used to it," he replied.


Sophia's House, Illinois – 16 July 2011, 2.42pm

When I returned to earth, I was surprised to find that nothing had changed. No mass destruction of angelic cause, though a few days had passed. Lucifer must still be mourning. I had to find him. I went back to the house but he wasn't there. With a heavy heart I walked through the field, reminiscing all the times Luc had ran through here and brushed his tiny hands against the flowers and leaves. It was here he had first attempted to fly. This was a few weeks ago, when he began developing movement in his wing muscles. It started as a small twitch in his feathers but I noticed the muscle contraction. He knelt and clasped his hands in concentration and slowly, he was able to flap his wings more and more. I felt nothing but immense love for him when I saw him doing this all on his own.

I picked him up and I tried to teach him how to fly. "You have to feel the wind and let your wings support you," I instructed him.

"I'm scared," he said as I held him away from my body.

"Don't worry, Cherub, Mommy will catch you if you fall," I reassured him with a warm smile. Hoping he would be able to do it, I threw him shortly up in the air above me. He squealed in shock and flailed his arms, but his wings didn't move. So I caught him in my arms as he succumbed to gravity. His arms wrapped tightly around my neck and I felt his heart pounding wildly. Poor thing was frightened by falling. I rubbed his back gently, whispering words of comfort to him. "It's okay to be afraid but you have to try again," I finally said. He groaned in reluctance, burying his head into my neck. "Trying new things can be scary, I know. But it is fear that helps us grow. We have to face things we don't understand if we want to become stronger."

After a little more coaxing, Luc finally agreed to try again. I threw him up again and I could see that he really tried. When I caught him again, he didn't tremble in fear like the first time. "See, your wings moved! You're almost there, honey," I encouraged him. I threw him once more and he flapped his wings more. For a split second he floated, though not enough to fly. He came back into my arms excited and giggling.

"Again!" he demanded.

"Not now, hon," I said. "Trying too hard in the beginning will make your wings sore. But I promise, you'll get there eventually." He looked dejected for a moment and I assaulted him with kisses. He burst out in laughter and giggles.

How bright the memory was. I sat on the front porch and saw how gloomy everything looked now. I made so many promises to Luciel. I had so many things to show him. He still hadn't mastered flying. He hadn't learnt how to make illusions, how to fight, how to manipulate weather. No doubt Lucifer had such big dreams too. Hell, the kid didn't even know the story of the universe – the angels, the rebellion, the fall. He would never wield his own blade. He would never make any more saplings. He would never rebel against us, his parents. To think I had once feared that stage in his life. Now I would do anything to deal with that.

I replayed Death's words in my head. Tell Lucifer the truth. Deal with loss together. But he skipped a step – endure his judgment. I could already imagine what he'd say. "How could you forsake our son?", "You're a horrible mother", "Your life should have been the sacrifice, not his" – all plausible statements. And I agreed with all of them.

"I can't do it!" my voice was a loud, raw groan which evolved into hysterical tears. My shoulders shook uncontrollably as I buried my face in my hands. I felt something warm and wet against my legs and I looked up to see the concerned eyes of my brown mutt. Dog's eyes were glistening too and he whimpered softly, sensing my anguish. I rubbed the back of his neck and he sat on my lap as I hugged him close to me. Dogs are such sensitive creatures. God should have coveted them more. I ran a hand through his fur coat as I rested my face against his back. "I need to leave, Dog." More whimpers sounded and I sat back up, sniffling. "God, you smell."

The dog stared at me in silence as I bathed it with a hose. It enjoyed the comfortable rubs and scratches as I went through its coat with shampoo, sticking out its tongue in approval. What a silly little thing – it was so easily amused. I'll miss it when I'm gone. Taking a few steps to position itself comfortably, the mutt shook itself dry, splashing water everywhere. As I bustled around the house to complete some final errands, Dog followed at my heel. I was afraid that if I stopped to look at him, I would give in to his sad whimpers and eyes that begged me to stay. It was almost unbearable, but at least it wasn't Lucifer.


Raziel's Office, New York – 17 July 2011, 12.05pm

The loft was silent. My footsteps echoed on the exquisitely-patterned marble floor as I looked around. No one else was here. Good. No one but Raziel. "Sophia," he greeted as he joined me by the window. "What brings you here? I could call the others down if you wa-"

"No, it's alright," I stopped his hand which reached into his pocket. I smiled the smile of someone who was going into death peacefully. "I wanted to talk to you privately."

His eyebrows furrowed briefly but eased up anyway. I hoped our mutual respect for each other would allow him to grant me one wish. "What about?"

"I'm here to say goodbye," I plainly stated, my gaze scanning the crowded city scape. "I'm going to be… out of town for a while."

"Out of town? Space?" he speculated.

"Something like that, yes," I confirmed. "I won't be on Earth."

"Alright…" he waited in anticipation as I hesitated. "For how long?"

"Of that, I am not sure." His eyes narrowed at my answer. "Point is, I won't be here."

"But… But we need you here," he protested, talking slowly as if he didn't believe what I was suggesting. "Your help has been invaluable to us."

"I know, I know," I acknowledged. "Which is why I'm leaving a repository of everything I know here on Earth."

"A repository is not a substitute for having an archangel mentor!" he argued. He studied my expression for a moment. "What's happening, Sophia? Why are you leaving?"

"I can't talk about it, Raz." He sighed, probably tired of putting up with my vagueness. Admittedly, there were several occasions in which I had wished I could tell him or my other apprentices more but I couldn't for a variety of reasons. He was probably used to it anyway.

"If you're really set on this, what am I supposed to tell the others? Pahaliah was really looking forward to becoming Luciel's teacher. Wait, are you taking the kid with you?" he barraged me with questions.

I desperately hoped he couldn't see the broken person inside of me when he mentioned Luciel. "Yes, I'm taking my son with me. Give her my apologies. Just tell everyone that I will be… absent, that it might be a while. And that I'm sorry I can't give you a proper explanation. It's just something that I need to do."

He nodded in consideration, a heaviness besetting his face. It made his vessel look older – a man in his mid-forties with a square jaw, a neat haircut and a dark van Dyke beard. The lines on his forehead deepened. "This repository, how do we access it?"

I mentally prepared myself for expressions of vexation. "You… can't. No one can. Except Zara." He regarded me with confusion. "My vessel. It's in a place only she will be allowed to know. If you need anything, you must go through her."

"Your vessel?"

"I understand if you feel unsettled by this safeguard I've put in place. But you must realise, this is all that I know, and that is a lot. Enough to put everything around me in jeopardy if left unprotected," I explained.

"I get that," Raziel said, disbelief still in his voice. "But you're leaving your vessel? Where could you possibly be going that you're leaving your own vessel behind?" I felt Zara's voice clamouring to be heard as she witnessed this. She clearly wanted to question me, but that would have to come later so I shushed her and blocked her vision of what was happening.

"Raziel, please…"

"Will she even be… functional… when you leave?"

"Oh, believe it. She's strong," I reassured him.

He paused in contemplation. A moment passed before he spoke up again. "Are you okay? You don't seem okay." So much for faking happiness.

"I'm fine," I lied. "I need you to trust me." Because no one else will. "No matter what anyone says, do not try to summon or find me in any way."

His shoulders dropped with a slow exhale. "If you're so set on this… I will respect your wishes. But I do this with a heavy heart."


Clarksburg, West Virginia – 17 July 2011, 4.08pm

I touched ground on the outskirts of the town among the comfort of trees. A tranquil mist was rising from the damp ground, giving the tall trees a blanket of white. I had flown around town for a while and this seemed like the most appropriate place and moment to say my goodbyes. I had kept my vessel in the dark for a while because I didn't want her to see what I was planning. But now was the time for her to awaken. "So this is where I take off," I said to Zara.

You can't leave, Sophia! Not now, she protested.

"I'm truly sorry that I have to leave you like this but I don't expect you to understand why. It's… complicated."

Complicated, my ass! What have I witnessed with you that isn't complicated? She paused, internally sighing. Sorry, I just… I don't have a good feeling about this. Please don't go, she begged. After all we've been though?

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't have a good feeling about this either. But I must do what I must."

You can't just go off. What would Lucifer think? He needs you right now. And so do I! I felt her anger bubbling to the surface. Her voice weakened. You think you're the only one suffering? He was my son too! I felt tears that she wanted to shed but could not. Along with that pain was anger at what happened. It was what I felt too, but now her anger was also directed at me. I don't know how I can go on right now. If you leave…

"I'm doing this for all of us!" I stated with a regrettably harsh tone. "I need to do something about it. Find him, bring him back, or at least get closure. I can't just stay here," I elaborated.

You said you wouldn't abandon me. I did what you asked me to. You promised! She began to sound exasperated. My heart sank at the thought – I did promise her an escape from humanity. But greater things were at play and I made a decision that I thought best for everyone involved.

"I also didn't trust you enough to leave your body again, but here we are. Looks like we both have to face things we don't like. I have no choice but to trust you once more." I sighed. Time to test our bond. "I need you to find Lucifer's old vessel and get him to say 'yes'. He'll probably last long enough." I slung over my shoulder a black leather bag, patting it. "I'm leaving you with supplies to take care of yourself. He should be nearby." We were standing in a forested area near Clarksburg, which was the location in the alternate reality where I found the vessel. Granted, some things may not be consistent between that reality and this one, but this was a big detail that I hoped was constant. "I hope I can trust you with this, Zara." After some resignation, she relented.

Alright. But you better come back with answers, she ordered. The forthrightness in this one – no wonder she was my vessel.

"I will."

And I mean it. You'd better come back, she said. Her attachment to me only made it more difficult for me to leave. As much as we'd had our troubles and differences in opinion, we felt comfortable with each other – I with her physical body and she with my perspective and power. After that incident with the temporary vessel, our connection only grew stronger and she developed a newfound resolution to understand and complement me. And so soon after, I had to leave. Undoubtedly, this would be hard for her. But if she and Lucifer helped each other like I hoped, all would be well.

"Take care, beloved human," I bid her farewell.