Two Weeks Later


Pauline walked into the apartment, carrying Chinese take-out. "Hey, guys! I got you your food."

"Thanks. I am starving." Mario got the paper plates ready. "That was a day of WORK! Whew! I'll tell ya, today was a long day. Thank God Mac's writing has been getting better because, with all of those calls, we would have forgotten everything real quick."

"Don't remind me. My bones are still aching." Luigi started washing his hands. "What do you got to eat?"

"Let's see here," Pauline started rummaging through the bag. "I got Beef and Broccoli in here..."

"That goes to the kid." Mario turned his head to Mac, who was sitting on the couch watching the Yankees game. "Got your food. If you don't eat it, one of us will." He turned back to Pauline. "What else ya got?"

"I got brown rice and scrambled egg, fried rice and vegetables, fried egg rolls, dumplings, General Tso's Chicken, and spare ribs. And I got fortune cookies."

"All the good stuff. Let's eat."

Sitting on the couch to eat, Mario gave Pauline a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for feeding us, by the way."

"Your breath smells like eggrolls," Pauling said, sitting on his lap as she ate her rice. "You remember what tomorrow is, right?"

"It's Sunday, right?"

"And what about Sunday?"

"Uh... the Jets-Giants game on primetime?"

"We have lunch with my parents at two. This is to make a good impression on them."

"Ohhh, that's tomorrow." Mario realized. "So, what are we going to do?"

"First of all, we are going to make sure you have your clothes ready. What do you get?"

"Polo shirt and khakis with a jacket. I got it."

"Now we have to practice what you're going to say."

"Um... 'Good afternoon Mr. and Mrs. Ladee. It's great to meet you again. You have a really fine daughter.'"

"Ugh. That is just waiting to be blown up by my dad with something like 'What do you mean fine? Are you only dating my daughter for her looks?'"

"Goddamnit, your right." Mario sighed. "So what now?"

"We're going back to my apartment. We can spend all night practicing."

"Sure. I want to get this right just as much as you do."

He just wants to go back to her place so he can get laid. Luigi thought as Mario finished his food.

"If you let me stay overnight at your place, we can spend tomorrow morning getting ready too."

"That sounds like a good idea! Go get your clothes." Pauline said.

Mario quickly hopped up and got his clothes ready as Pauline finished her meal. "Just to make sure, you speak Italian right? My parents speak it too and I want you to start being able to converse with them. They speak Italian a lot and I can't really follow along whenever the speak Italian. I forget the words since I don't always speak it. "

"Yeah sorry, I don't know it. I'll brush up on it sometime." Mario came back, clothes in hand.

Pauline stood up and got her keys. "We're leaving boys, see you tomorrow."

"Anything left in the bag is yours," Mario called out to them. "I should be back around 5 or so. This apartment better stays the same from when I left it. See you guys later. Oh, by the way, make sure you take Mac to Doc's tomorrow Luigi. Mac can walk home like normal."

"See you," Luigi said in-between bites of vegetables. "Have fun."

"Bye Mario," Mac said as he popped an eggroll into his mouth. "Wait, before I go, I wanna crack open a fortune cookie." Pulling out a fortune cookie from the bag, Mario cracked it open. "The road to happiness has many different paths. Don't be afraid to go in a strange route." He stuffed it in his pocket. "Ehh whatever. Let's go, Pauline."

"That date is either going to go super or awful," Luigi said. "There is no in-between."

"You really think so?" Mac asked.

"Trust me, you just don't know."


The Next Day

"We have an hour before we meet my parents for lunch," Pauline said as she checked how she looked in her red dress in the mirror.

"Should I tell them about what happened last night?" Mario said as he finished tying on his red tie.

"I swear to God I'm going to smack you if you say anything like that." She replied as she put on lipstick. "Do you remember what to say?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Alright, I'm dressed. Are you ready Mario?"

Ready as in dressed? Or ready for your parents?"

"Preferably both."

"Well I'm dressed, that's a start."

"We'll work from there. Grab my keys, let's go."


"Listen, I know that my parents can be a bit rough, but I'm sure we can work it out. Who knows? Maybe they'll grow on you."

"Oh, they'll grow on me; like a fungus."

Pauline elbowed him as she drove through Brooklyn Heights. "Watch it. Those are still my parents you're talking about."

"Yeah? Well, I'm a human being we're talking about. I deserve more respect. I never treated you wrong a day in my life, and this is the thanks I get? I don't even know why I'm still trying to appease them; they don't like me, and they never will like me. I can go on a hundred of these dates with your parents, and it won't change a damn thing. This isn't gonna work."

"So you won't even try?" She gave him a hurt look. Was she not worth Mario trying to get along with her parents? "I want you three to get along. Is that so much to ask?"

"You act like this is the first time! I've met your parent's dozens of times, they're the ones not trying! And I don't know why they have to be so difficult! Well, actually I do: I'm a poor piece of shit. But your parents don't have to undermine me every chance they get."

"Listen, even if they don't like you, I like you. You're not dating them, you're dating me. And guess what? I like you." She reached over and squeezed his hand.

"If that's the case, I wouldn't be meeting them for lunch. And don't worry, I like you too. That's why I haven't complained too much, or ever popped off at your parents. Here's the place now."

Parking the Biturbo Maserati, the two got out of the car and looked at the sign, a woman sitting on the throne. "Yep, this is the Queen all right," Mario muttered. "Let's get this shitshow over with."

"I bet my parents are already inside. They love being early. C'mon lets go meet them."

Stepping inside, Mario looked around at the fancy all-white interior. Not bad. Not bad. The real fancy spot they picked here.

Pauline tugged on his arm. "Look! There they are over there!" The two walked over to see Pauline's parents already at the table. "Mom, Dad, it's great to see you guys." Mr. Ladee was wearing an Armani topcoat. His wife was wearing a royal purple dress.

"Vi è la strada sporca rat ho imparato a conoscere." Mrs. Ladee said as they came over. "Well hello, sweetie! It's nice to see you too." She looked over at Pauline's date. "Mario."

"Che cosa è l'e spressione? È possibile lucidare una merda, ma alla fine della giornata è ancora una merda." Her husband replied.

"Il raccordo che ora è un idraulico. Scommetto che egli ancora odori."

"Non prendertela essendo un idraulico per quella pizza!" The two started cracking up. "Sorry, Pauline. Just this one thing that happened at work yesterday. I'll tell us about it later."

The waiter came over, passing out menus. "Hello, and welcome to the Queen. What can I get for you on this fine day?"

Mario started combing through the list. "I'll keep it simple: Spaghetti and Meatballs."

"I'll take the Ceasar Salad." Mrs. Ladee said.

Pauline thought it over for a second. "Hmmm...Calamari Fritté for me please."

"Chicken Parmesan please, thank you. And water for the whole table." Mr. Ladee put down his menu.

"Excellent choices. I shall return with your food shortly."

Mario decided to kick the discussion off at the table. "So, how is everybody doing tonight?"

"Fine." Mrs. Ladee replied. "Mario, how has your 'business' as a plumber coming along?"

"Oh, it's coming along fine. We have a new employee, so I'm happy to say that the business is growing."

"Ah yes, one employee. One at a time. Atta boy."

Well, thank you for such kind words. Truly, your many years overseeing in real estate have given you the grace of a swan."

"As happy as I am that you are keeping on with your business, you could use a few tips in business."

"I'll just leave the two of you alone." Mrs. Ladee took her Prada handbag with her to the restroom.

"Oh! I'll go with you." Pauline stood up and accompanied her mother. This will be a great time for Mario and Daddy to get along.

This is certainly different. Mario thought. "So, what did you have-"

"Listen, sonny, since we are both men of business, I'll make you a deal." Mr. Ladee got out his checkbook. "I will write you a check for 10 thousand dollars. 10k, right now, at this table, if you agree to break up with my daughter. Easiest 10 grand you will ever make. So do us all a favor, and take the money." He put the check on the table and slid it towards Mario, right in front of him. "It's right there."

Mario paused, and looked at the check. He didn't say anything at all, he just stared at it. Started at 10 thousand dollars right in front of him for the taking. Pauline was a great gal, but how could he resist that? They could do so much with an extra $10,000 in the bank... between his brother and his girlfriend, there was really on one choice he could make. Why, why did it have to come to this? Mario thought to himself as his eyes began to water. I tried so hard.

The waiter came back to the table. "Here is your order." He put Mario's pasta and Giovanni's sandwich in front of them, then promptly walked off.

"Y-Y-Y-ou knows," he silently spoke in a broken, frail voice. "I bet they make some good pasta here, I'll tell you that." With his fingers trembling, Mario lifted the fork to his mouth, only to miss and get pasta sauce all over his cheek.

"O-O-Oh. How childish of me." His eyes signaled an imminent breakdown. "Here, let me get a napkin..."

Reaching out to the napkins, Mario grabbed the check and wiped his mouth with it, covering the note in pasta sauce. Without even blinking, he looked Giovanni Ladee right in the eyes as he slowly tore the checkup.

"There. I indulged you long enough. That's more than what you ever did for me." He blew the shredded paper back into Giovanni's sandwich. "Let's talk for a second pops."

With a calm, burning rage, he leaned in. "First of all, I want to say that I was a nice plan: Invite us for lunch and say that you want to talk and spend some time together, then have your wife distract Pauline and take her into the bathroom while you sit here and bribe me. Bait-N-Switch, Divide and Conquer, whatever you want to call it, it worked to perfection, and as disgusted as I am by you and your wife, I will say that I am impressed by your planning."

Giovanni's blood began to boil. He was on the verge of yelling. He stood up. "How dare you speak to my wife that way? You-"

"I swear to God that if you interrupt me one more time, I will reach across this table and smack you in front of all of these people," Mario said, not raising his voice in the slightest. "Now wouldn't that be a headline: Giovanni Ladee smacked at Queen's restaurant by daughter's boyfriend! Couldn't finish the meal because he got the taste slapped out of his mouth!"

Giovanni paused, shocked that this was how he was being spoken to, but he sat back down.

"So let's talk about where you went wrong." Mario leaned back and popped a meatball in his mouth. "First of all, 10 grand, seriously? That's how much you offer someone to break up with your daughter? You made more than that in the time it took you to come up with this plan. I know you think that little of me, but damn man, we are talking about your daughter. If you were going to bribe me, at least start in the millions. Anywhere from 1 to 10 mil, that's acceptable. But 10 grand? Is that all you are ready to give? But I guess when you are so focused on degrading me, you would toss peanuts my way and expect me to take the money and run. And since we are talking about peanuts, let's address the elephant in the room. Why you really don't like me."

Mario leaned in again. "Now, for your wife, she just doesn't like me because I'm a lowly street rat. It's the same for you, but for you Giovanni, it's strategic. Now, at first, I was just a toy in your eyes. Someone that your daughter could date, get the experience of having a relationship with. But as the years wore on, you've become more and more worried. She keeps clinging to this one guy. And if he can hang around like this, maybe he can con your innocent little girl into marriage. And I know it terrifies you and your wife. I know it keeps you up at night. Because it can happen. Why oh why won't your Pauline move on from this random loser? She can do way better."

Mario's voice softened. "And you know what? I agree."

Giovanni gave him a look of surprise. "You-You do?"

"Yeah, it might be hard to believe, but I agree with you. She can so way better than me. Beautiful. Rich. Educated. Dedicated. Aristocratically B.R.E.D. just right for success. She can do anything she wants, and she can have anyone she wants. And that is why I understand why you are doing all of this. But you have to understand, I'm not sticking around to your daughter for the money. I'm doing it because she is a wonderful person. Because of women that Pauline are few and far in-between. I mean, look at all the success, fame, and money you made, and look who you got stuck with."

Seeing Mr. Ladee's enraged face made Mario stifle a laugh. "I'm sorry for that one. That wasn't needed. Lord forgive me. But back to the point... I understand why you'd be nervous, you want to protect the family assets. So that is why, I honestly, honestly don't blame you. And, if I'm truly honest, I almost feel bad for you two."

Mario paused, and looked down at the table. "Almost."

In a flash, Mario grabbed the knife and held the point and Giovanni's throat from across the table. "That doesn't mean that I wouldn't beat your ass here and now in front of a live audience if I had any chance of getting away with it." He said in cold fury. "Because let's get into what you really don't want to talk about."

Dropping the knife, Mario set his hands and elbows on the table. "Now, you figure that If I marry Pauline, which is becoming a more reasonable prospect by the day, I don't just become your son-in-law; I become your heir. Me. Some shitboy plumber gets the Ladee empire. All the homes, complexes, buildings, condos, every last drop goes to me. What the hell could I possibly know about running a worldwide conglomerate? Nothing. Straight up nothing. Now you want Pauline to marry a guy who's lived his life around money like Pauline did. You want her to not just have a husband, but a business partner. It's a cold, cruel world out there, and someone is always trying to screw you over on a deal. That's why you want someone to help Pauline out. Someone to carry on your empire, your legacy. What would I do with it? You think I'd probably sell it off at the highest bidder. Your life's work sold away in 10 minutes. Decades of effort, close calls, blood, sweat, tears, the whole shebang, gone in a handshake. Then I'd pocket the money and live the rest of my life without having to lift a finger. It would be the ultimate insult.

Well, allow me to put your mind at ease. I don't want your fucking money. I didn't need it then, and I don't need it now. Not to say that I wouldn't take it if it fell into my lap, but I'm not going around doing my daily business plotting to steal the Ladee fortune. And I'm not going to say that I'm going to take your empire from you. Because it's not my choice, and it's not your choice either. Its Pauline's choice. Stop trying to control your daughter. This is her life, not yours. It's her decisions. You raised her to be her own person; now let her fucking be her own person. Now, you and I going to get through the rest of this shit like we are normal, behaved, adults. Do you understand me?"

Mr. Ladee gulped and nodded.

"Oh, and one last thing: L'italiano è la mia prima lingua figlio di puttana."


Oh, you're back!" Luigi said as Mario and Pauline walked back into the apartment.

"Yeah, it was great!" Pauline said, giving Mario a kiss. "Daddy is really starting to like Mario!"

"Well you know, my charm works on everyone sooner or later."

"See? I told you today was going to be great."

"I can't lie, you were right."

"I'm so glad we made this progress, it's almost like you two were father and son! Isn't that great?"

"Sure is."

"Well, I have to head home. See you guys later!"

"Bye Pauline. Have a nice day." Mario gave her another kiss, and she was out of the door, closing it behind her.

"That sounds like you had a good time; what did you do?"

"I had to grab the old man by his wrinkly old ballsack." Mario plopped down on the couch. "Don't think the two are really gonna piss me off anymore."

"Or it could escalate when you least expect it, resulting in horrible consequences."

"That too. Ugh, I need a beer."

"We don't drink remember? We can't afford alcohol dependence."

"I hate it when your right." Mario looked around. "Say, where's the kid?"

"Uh... um... Mac's asleep. Yeah! He was really, really tired after all of that training today! Man, he was so beat. He's asleep in our room. Don't worry, he's sleeping in my bed. You know what? We should go out, get something to eat! C'mon, I'll pay for it!" Luigi started yanking on Mario's arm.

"Luigi, I just came home from a restaurant. I am no hungry whatsoever."

"Then we should go for a walk! It's nice this time of year. Besides, you could stand to lose a few pounds."

"Chill man!" Mario grabbed onto the couch as Luigi tried to pull him away. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you trying to get me out of the house so suddenly?"

"Luigi! I'm back!" Mac came through the door, holding some bags. "I got the stuff! Mario isn't back is he-oh."

Mario looked at Mac, then turned to Luigi's horrified expression. Wrenching his arm free of Luigi's grasp, he stood up. "What did you guys do while I was gone?"

"Well, heh, we uh, it's a funny story, really." Luigi started to explain.

Snatching the bags from Mac, Mario peered inside. "Kibble and duck pellets? Why the hell did you guys buy-"

There was a banging from inside the door to Mario's room. "WOOF!"

Mario jumped, then looked at the two. "I swear to god..."

Opening the door, he found a dog and a duck at his feet. "QUACK!"


"Could use a gun son, but fuck being the wanted man."