Before Everything

Chapter 12

"So, is this normal? Resenting Hannah?" Mike asked the therapist; Doctor Smith a week later. He hated the idea that he was in therapy, but he couldn't go on as he had been. His wife and kids deserved better.

"It isn't terribly uncommon. The good thing is, you are addressing it." Dr. Smith said.

"The bad thing is, Hannah knows and thinks I hate her. I tell her every day that I love her, but she can't get it out of her head. I don't remember my parents going through this when my sister died." Mike said.

"The difference is, you were grown and so your parent's grief is privatized. They dealt with it privately. You still have kids at home, and they are grieving too. Hannah is hit doubly hard because Lucas was her twin. You said she had told you that a part of her just felt gone. That isn't so far from the truth. Sibling lose is painful, but twin loss is something even worse. A lot of people think a parent who has lost a child is the worst grief imaginable; and it is. But a twin who has lost her womb-mate? Excruciating." Dr. Smith said. Mike liked the woman, especially since she had agreed to speak with Hannah.

"I miss Lucas every day, but I really want to help Hannah." Mike said.

"There is no sure answer for how to do that. I will talk to her, in individual and group therapy; but I think what is most important, is that she sees you honoring her brother, grieving for him, remembering him. There are a lot of people in your shoes. We are recommending they erect some sort of memorial, like a headstone. Away from the home, of course; so it doesn't become a shrine. It gives the grief a name and place. It's alright to have pictures of him and mementos, but it will give you all a private place and a public place to visit. To memorialize him, to visit him; whatever you need to do. It's purely symbolic, but it should help; both you, your wife and your daughters." Dr. Smith said.

"My parents did that too for my sister. Her body had never been recovered after 9-11." Mike remarked.

"Did it seem to help?" Dr. Smith asked.

"I think. Like you said, my parents were private in their grief." Mike said.

"I think Hannah needs to see you and your wife grieve. More so you. If she is how you describe her, she'll feel the need to comfort you. Somewhere along the way, you will find a happy medium with her. The reason I'm not too terribly concerned is that you and she still love each other. If you didn't love her, I would worry." Dr. Smith said.

"My wife even thinks that the resentment that I feel towards Hannah is why I allowed her to go through the medical tests. Why I am a bit shorter with her than I am with our older daughter." Mike admitted.

"Their personalities are different?" Dr. Smith asked.

"Very much. Kaitlyn, or Katie; as we tend to call her, is sweet. Hannah is too, but she is more like me. A bit on the brash side. Sometimes, she loses her filter." Mike said.

"Sometimes, it's the child most like us that we have trouble connecting with. You see your own failures and bad habits within Hannah. Sometimes, those overshadow her good points." Dr. Smith said.

"I can see that. She does have her good points. She tells her mom sometimes that she really loves me, but she doesn't like me so much. And of course, the new baby has thrown her for a loop. She said she wishes she had died instead of Lucas, so we would have still had a boy and girl and wouldn't have been tempted to have Mason. Maybe she's right too, but I sure as hell won't tell her that. We had to go through some stuff to have him. Course, now that he's here, we don't care about all that, and I cannot imagine my family or my life without Hannah, or Kaitlyn for that matter. And as painful as losing Lucas is, I can't imagine not having had him." Mike said.

"So, if; when your wife was pregnant with Hannah and Lucas, if someone had told you that you'd lose him, you would have still loved him, invested in him, spent time with him, etc?" Dr. Smith asked.

"Absolutely." Mike answered.

"Most people hesitate when asked that question. I think…you will always grieve for Lucas, that will never end; but I think you further along in your grief process and I think you can really help Hannah. As an adult, you've grieved for siblings, parents, coworkers and crewmates. Of course, losing a child is a different sort of grief, but Hannah doesn't have your processing skills, simply because this is her first big loss. She was young when your parents died, correct?" Dr. Smith asked.

"Yeah. Fairly young when both Christine's parents and my parents died." Mike said.

"For her, grief is overwhelming. She can't verbalize it and so she is striking out at the one person who maybe she sees as having a weaker relationship with her. She is trying to push you away. Make herself unlovable. She must feel guilty about Lucas' death." Dr. Smith said.

"So, how do I fix it? Build a stronger relationship with her? How?" Mike asked.

"Is there something she likes doing?" Dr. Smith asked.

"She and Lucas always enjoyed sports. T-ball, basketball, whatever they could play together." Mike answered.

"I would make a point to try that, but if she rejects it, don't be shocked. She may since its what she and Lucas did. You may have to forge a new path. Ask Christine. I guarantee, she'll know, and I will work on it too when I speak with her. More than anything, she needs you to spend time with her. Your hour is up, by the way. The takeaway today is, just spend time with her. Even if she brushes you off. It might even get worse before it gets better. Just continue loving her and remembering, she is a child who has lost her brother and best friend. Someone who knew her better than she does. People think your soul mate is your spouse. In a twin's case, it's their womb-mate. The best way I can correlate this for you is to have you imagine your life without Christine." Dr. Smith said. Both she and Mike stood up and Mike shook her hand.

"Yeah, I can't. Thanks, Doc. I'll have Hannah here next week. Don't be shocked if she refuses to talk. Her mom and I are kind of sandbagging her with this." Mike admitted.

"Make it a day for just you and her. That might pave the way." Dr. Smith said before she and Mike departed. Mike confirmed the appointment for the following week with the front desk and then drove home. When he walked in the door, Christine was sitting in the recliner, nursing Mason and from the sounds of it, the girls were upstairs.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Christine asked. Mike leaned over and gave her a kiss.

"It went about how I expected it to go. I'm exhausted. We talked a lot about Hannah. She told me to find something to do with her. I suggested sports but she said she might object since its what she and Lucas always did. She also suggested we do some sort of headstone for him." Mike said as he sat down on the couch next to her.

"That makes sense. She is really taking an interest in food. Maybe find different restaurants to take her to. There isn't a lot open anymore, but it's an idea. She also really loves movies and she will always be our cuddler." Christine said. Mason had finished nursing and Christine passed him to Mike to burp while she adjusted her clothing.

"How do you feel about the headstone?" Mike asked.

"I like that idea. I would kind of like to have some sort of memorial service though. I think we all need some closure. I thought…seems silly, but we all write letters to Lucas, put them in a box and bury it. Then have the headstone. Maybe have a priest or pastor to say a few words. Nothing very formal. Just a day to process our grief. Normally, the formality of a funeral would bother me, but I think we need it. I think without it, we can't move on." Christine said.

"I do like that idea. I can see about a headstone. Maybe find a place and get some pictures of examples since your basically homebound." Mike said. Christine was a homebody anyway and had it made it clear that while Mike was on paternity leave, he would be running errands and taking the girls on outings. It was her time to spend with Mason at home.

"Sounds perfect. Mason has eaten good today. He's finally latching better." Christine said. Nursing had been a struggle for her and Mason.

"He'll figure it out, I'm sure." Mike said.

"I hope. He's still a sweet boy. He just loves Katie and if Hannah will hang around him for any amount of time; he loves her." Christine remarked.

"Did they help you with him?" Mike asked.

"Katie did. Hannah is coming around. Mike don't get onto her. Part of it is her age. Just be patient. She is jealous and is afraid that we will stop missing Lucas now that we have Mason. Its normal, I think. We have to just spend time with her too." Christine said.

"I wish things could just be seamless." Mike remarked.

"Nothing we've ever done has been seamless. Why would we start now?" Christine teased. She had stood up and gave Mike a long kiss before giving Mason a kiss on the head. The baby had fallen asleep and Mike needed to put him in the bassinet that they had set up in the living room, but he enjoyed cuddling the baby.

"Good question." Mike responded. Just then the girls ran down the steps and Mike made the decision to lay Mason down so he could give both girls undivided attention. Kaitlyn gave Mike a hug and kiss before joining her mom in the kitchen and Hannah cuddled up to Mike on the couch.

"Can we just take a nap together, Daddy?" Hannah asked.

"Of course, sweetheart." Mike said as he repositioned himself on the couch and then helped Hannah lay down next to him. He pulled a throw blanket down on top of them and cuddled her close. Before too long, they were both asleep.