Author's Notes: I wrote this before Rise of Skywalker. Warnings: Alcohol. Character Death. Exceptional Silliness
The old man stared at the red lightsaber blade then looked puzzled at his glass, and then picked up the bottle he had been pouring from and sniffed at the opening. He turned his body away from Kylo Ren and held up the bottle before bellowing at the bartender:
"What the kriffing hell is in this, Vestros? We agreed no more experiments!"
"Same thing you had yesterday, Fett, you old souse!" Vestros bellowed back, even as their eyestalks swiveled nervously looking at the First Order troopers swarming their bar.
"So this Hutt's asshole's not a hallucination?" he jerked a thumb at Ren's shocked and enraged face.
"No!"
"Fuck me," he muttered, poured himself another shot and downed it before looking up at Kylo Ren, "well? What do you kriffing want?"
Ren sliced through the bottle, and the man pushed his chair away from the table
"A little respect old man, or it won't just be your drink that gets sliced in two." Ren growled.
The man pointed at Ren, and then pointed down; the lower half of Ren's robes were burning.
"Can't respect an idiot who doesn't remember alcohol is flammable," he look around at the Stormtroopers, a distinct companionable air of: 'what are you gonna do?'
There was a nervous shuffling.
"Look, Klyo…"
"KYLO!" Ren roared as he returned his attention from having put out the flames with the Force which should have been impressive but he was distinctly aware through the Force that some of the Troopers were… laughing at him.
"Right, whatever," the man dismissed him, "Look, Ky-Lo," he exaggerated the pronunciation, "you come into a bar you wave a glowstick in my face and order me to come with you. No explanation. No introduction beyond 'I'm Kylo Ben.'"
"KYLO REN!"
"Kylo Ren, so sorry, I'm an old man, my hearing's been going," the old man grinned nastily, "no introduction beyond 'I'm Kylo Ren.' Can you see why I'm a little hesitant to go with a steaming pile of bantha poodoo like you?"
The majority of the stormtroopers in the bar were shaking from fear. The man was deliberately goading the Supreme Commander. The tiny remainder of them were shaking with laughter. The man was deliberately goading the Supreme Commander!
"I am Kylo Ren, Supreme Commander of the First Order, Heir of Darth Vader…" He loomed over the man.
The old man started to outright giggle like a child.
"I dropped a Star Destroyer on Vader once," he wiped at mirth-induced tears, playing to his audience of fascinated and frighten stormtroopers, "I was about ten, eleven at the time and he was still in his prime as Anakin Skywalker. Come back when you've got something better than that."
Ren drew back his saber to strike, and "Ummmphed" in surprised when he was kicked hard in the gut and knocked on his back side. His lightsaber extinguishing as he dropped it in shock, and kicked away as he tried to bring it back to himself. And as he tried to use the Force and failed Kylo Ren finally realized something was very, very wrong.
The man was standing over him now, and all trace of mirth or possible age-induced senility was gone. The two pistols aimed at his face looked stupidly large. And the last thing he ever heard:
"Your Grandfather would be ashamed of you."
