Chapter Text

The Spies did a little dance as they walked down the street, feeling very satisfied with themselves. Sexually, and otherwise.

As Sam began to play Freeform Jazz on a trumpet, they swore they could hear Pokemon battle music. Except it was more like a shitty bootleg version.

"Hey, DORKS!" Kevin yelled, half-naked and ready for action...not like that, you freaks. Jesus.

The Spies couldn't fucking believe it.

"You're REALLY going to try and fight us? After what we JUST did to you?" Alex asked, not even mad, just genuinely confused.

Kevin stood dead silent for several seconds. The Spies looked away awkwardly, trying to act nonchalant. A dog howled in the background. Someone could be heard dying from a heart attack. They weren't important, so no one cared.

Kevin tore his shirt off and let loose a roar of pure, hormone-induced rage. He screeched like a roided out Velociraptor, caterwauled like a ferocious Bengal Tiger, and howled like the mighty coyote.

"KEEP IT DOWN WILL YA, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Eddy yelled, bursting outside angrily in his pajamas.

Kevin just screeched again, this time like a groundhog having a threesome.

"Don't worry Eddy, once we kick his ass he will STAY quiet." Sam said.

This gave Eddy an idea.

"Hey wait a second...if I record this, I can make a porn video about it AND keep all the money!" Eddy yelled as his eyes turned to dollar signs again.

The Spies gave him the stink eye again.

"What?! Double D isn't even here with you guys!" Eddy argued.

"He's got us there, girls." Alex said with a shrug.

"That's right! Things are finally looking up for big man E-"

Lightning then struck Eddy for no particular reason and set him on fire. Just because he's generally an asshole I guess. He ran back inside the house screaming, only to set other stuff on fire like a dumbass.

While Eddy was busy with that, the Spies got ready to duel.

"Should I bring out the Yu-Gi-Oh deck?" Sam asked.

"Fuck no! We're doing this D&D style, not that anime crap!" Clover yelled, smacking the cards out of Sam's hands.

Sam grabbed a die and threw another at Kevin. Kevin caught the dice and stared for a few seconds, confused as hell.

"What the heck is this?!" Kevin yelled.

"WELL, you uncultured fuck-for-brains, I just tossed you a four-sided dice!" Sam replied.

"Hey, you have a twelve-sided die! How is that fair?!" Kevin protested.

"It's not!" Alex replied, then sticking her tongue out at Kevin.

Eddy finally made his way back outside. He was burnt to a crisp and most of his house had been ruined by the fire. He wanted to be mad, but the thought of money quickly cheered him up.

"...ED! Get out here and bring the camera!"

Ed quickly made his way outside, wearing a g-string and tank top. He looked kinda tired and did not have the camera. Before Eddy could yell at him though, Jerry The King Lawler walked out in his underwear, holding the camera. Eddy was very confused by this.

"What are you still doing here? Shouldn't you have left by now?"

"I don't know how to get home, so Ed let me crash at his place."

Eddy accepted this since nothing could really be done about it at the moment.

"Uhhh, ok then. Anyway, LETS GET ON WITH THE BATTLE!"

The Spies were more than ready to kick some ass… and balls. Kevin wasn't though.

"Wait! What are the rules!?"

The Spies shrugged.

"What rules? We just made this up on the fly, dude." Clover replied.

At this point, Kevin knew he'd fucked up.

Eddy was starting to grow impatient.

"NO MORE DELAYING THE FIGHT KEVIN! WE ARE STARTING NOW!"

Random disco music started to play as Eddy begin recording. Ed couldn't help but dance the dance of life, and back that ass up. Jerry was just kinda there.

The Spies rolled first, Sam landing an 8.

Kevin just kinda froze.

"I...I don't have a chance of winning that!" Kevin protested.

"JUST ROLL THE FUCKING DICE!" Sam commanded.

Kevin figured that he would get it over with and rolled his dice, landing a 3.

"Hey, we 'won'! I'll do the attack!" Clover yelled.

Clover ran up to Eddy and yanked the video camera away, hurling it at Kevin's crotch and hitting him square in the nutsack. Kevin fell to the ground in crippling pain.

"D-D-D-DOOO-OOORKS!" Kevin yelled, clutching his aching jewels.

Clover tossed the now damaged camera back to Eddy.

"A-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE CAMERA!" Eddy yelled.

"Relax, it still works. I assume?" Clover replied.

"Yup, it still works Eddy!" Ed added as he gave the 'OK' hand sign.

Eddy frantically picked it up just to make sure. To his relief and surprise, it still worked.

"How the heck did you know it worked!?"

"Buttered Toast."

Eddy had no response for this. He just went back to recording. Kevin continued to clutch his low hanging, and now even more swollen nuts, in agonizing pain.

"I'm pretty sure that did more than eight damage." Alex commented.

Kevin stood back up and roared once more. He was so fucking ready for battle. He rolled his dice again, getting another three. The Spies rolled again as well, getting a seven.

"Hey, we won again! What can we hit him in the nuts with this time?" Alex asked.

"If you keep doing the same thing again and again, people will get bored!" Jerry yelled from the background.

"My thoughts exactly, Jerry! And just LOOK at how swollen Kevin's nuts are!" Ed announced, now wearing a suit and tie for...some reason. We dunno.

"You heard the crowd! I know you girls can be WAY more creative!" Eddy added.

Meanwhile, Kevin was standing in complete fear of what was next to come. He debated on running but had a feeling that they would easily catch him.

"Hmm… OH! I have an idea!" Sam excitedly yelled out.

Sam pulled a candle out from her cleavage and lit it.

"I always carry one of these around, just in case! Now hold him down, girls!"

Clover and Alex ran up to him and forced him to the ground. Sam walked up to him with an evil smile, ready to inflict some pain. To her disappointment she accidentally put the candle's flame too close to Kevin's naked belly, causing his hairs to catch on fire.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!"

The girls continued to hold him down, thinking this was what Sam intended. Kevin accidentally whacked Sam in the leg, causing her to spill the candle wax all over his now sensitive stomach.

"EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOOOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!" Kevin yelled, breaking free and rolling around on the ground.

"This hasn't been going well for ol' Kevin there, Jerry." Ed announced as Kevin set some grass on fire by accident.

Jerry just watched with awe. He had seen quite a few fire incidents in the ring, but this was the first time he had ever seen candle wax involved. It gave him new, bold, and kinky ideas for future WWE matches.

"Yeah, though I'll admit I have seen WAAAAY more one-sided fights in my life." Jerry responded.

"This is a fight?" Ed asked with visible confusion.

"I guess you could say they're firefighters, Ed!" Jerry commented.

Ed responded with more stupid laughter.

Kevin stood up, now even more pissed off. He rolled once more, this time with frustration. He landed a four. The Spies rolled a one.

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! KEVIN WON SOMETHING?!" Jerry commented.

"I've only ever won five bucks on a lottery ticket, Jerry!" Ed replied, stupidly laughing again.

"ALRIGHT YOU FEMDORK, LET'S IF YOU WANT TO CALL ME GAY AFTER THIS!"

Kevin, being the dumbass he is, just up and punched Alex in the face. He didn't know what else to do.

"OW! I didn't even do anything to you...yet, you stupid redneck biker fucktard!" Alex yelled.

Kevin then rolled a one, with the Spies rolling a twelve.

"GIMME THAT HAND, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Alex yelled, quite pissed off.

Alex violently grabbed Kevin's hand, almost pulling it out of its socket.

"Help...me…" Kevin whispered loudly in hopes that someone would save him.

Alex stuck Kevin's arm in the mailbox and grabbed it from the other side, violently pulling downwards and snapping it in half.

"D-D-D-D-D-D-DOOOOOOOORKS!" Kevin yelled.

Alex rolled the dice once more, rolling another 12. Kevin didn't get to roll this time, because he's an asshole.

Alex grabbed the top of the mailbox and closed it onto Kevin's broken arm, smashing it in there as hard as she could.

"DORKS! DORKS! DORKS! DORKS! DOOOOORKS!" Kevin yelled in pain repeatedly.

Alex finished her attack by kicking Kevin in the nuts again.

"Dorks…"

She ran back to Sam and Clover while clutching her slightly bruised eye.

"Damn it, I hate getting punched...unless Double D is the one punching me." Alex commented.

"Don't be ridiculous! Double D is too much of an angel to do something like that! Speaking of Double D though, we should probably drink some of his sperm to heal up!" Sam added.

The Spies quickly hoofed it to Double D's house in hopes that he was still there… What the fuck are we saying, of course, he's still there. They tied him to the bed after all.

"Oh hey that's right, we tied that horny lil' dude to the bed so he couldn't escape our love! Thank you, voices in my head!" Sam remembered.

"No, YOU tied him to the bed and went full yandere like a retard! We told you at least a dozen times 'No Sam, that violates Double D's human rights' buuuuut…" Alex argued.

"When the fuck have we cared about human rights?! We broke at least three parts of the Geneva Convention with Kevin alone!" Sam replied.

"...Let's just get inside and heal."

Alex didn't want to admit that Sam was right, but Sam was absolutely right. The Spies were basically (and also literally) war criminals at this point. But that's a story for another time.

Sam burst down the door by kicking it off the hinges.

Double D was sound asleep by this point, as the bed was very comfortable. He woke up to hear a deafening scream coming from Alex.

"THERE'S OUR BOY TOY!" Alex yelled at the same decibel of an air raid siren.

"HOLY SHIT! YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL THAT LOUD!" Clover yelled, somehow even louder.

"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OUT OF MY LEFT EAR ANYMORE!" Sam yelled, even louder.

Double D was now nearly deaf and wished that he could cover his ears.

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE STOP YELLING!" Double D begged.

"Oh, sorry sweetie!" Alex said as she snuggled up against Double D's chest.

"Just get the amorousness over with, please." Double D replied.

"I don't speak Greek, you lovable big-cocked boy, you!" Sam added.

Double D got annoyed from this.

"We've already been over this! I'm CANADIA-AAAAAAAA!"

Out of the blue, Alex began sucking Double D's cock again.

"Dammit Alex! We have to roll first!" Sam said, sorta pissed.

Alex ignored her and kept on sucking.

"Roll? What do you mean roll?!" Double D asked, started to get worried.

The spies ignored Double D and pulled Alex off.

"Ok ok! Geez… But I roll first!"

Alex pulled out an 8 sided die and threw it at the window as hard as she could. The die broke through the window.

Outside, Eddy was impatiently waiting for the Spies to return.

"What's taking them so long?! We don't have all ni-AHHHHH!"

The die managed to hit Eddy directly in the nuts. Alex looked out the window to see Eddy laying on the ground while holding his crotch.

"Did you happen to see what that landed?" Alex asked.

Jerry walked up to the die.

"It landed a 6!"

Alex smiled with glee. She gently but firmly grabbed Double D's nutsack and began deepthroating his cock.

"Well, I suppose, going by purely scientific yet carnal desires, this does feel pretty nice!" Double D commented with a moan.

Alex heard this and got the wrong impression. Now she wanted it to feel even better for him.

"Wait wait WAIT, THAT'S TOO FAST!" Double D yelled, shaking the bed around like a maniac.

Alex began gently rubbing his balls with both her hands while she deepthroated faster.

"OH GOD! THIS FEELS SO GOOD BUT SO PAINFUL, AAAAAAAAAAAA!" Double D yelled as he blasted off inside Alex's mouth.

"Hey! We still need to roll!" Sam angrily yelled.

Sam threw her die and landed an 8. The expression on her face could only be described as fucking insanely happy.

"OH YES! MOVE OVER ALEX, I HAVE THE HIGHEST ROLL!"

Alex looked back with slight anger but knew she could do nothing about it.

"Fine… But you better not hog him for yourself!"

"WHY ARE YOU ROLLING DICE?! WHAT IS GOING O-AHHHHHHH!"

Sam immediately started to deepthroat Double D. Alex, not wanting to be topped, stuck Double D's entire nut sack in her mouth.

"I JUST CAME YOU GUYS, IT'S STILL SENSITIVE! AHHHHGHGHGHH!" Double D yelled.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Clover yelled.

The spies looked back.

"What? Did you get a bad roll?" Alex asked?

"I ROLLED A FUCKING 2!"

Clover turned to the wall and punched it as hard as she could. Unforchinitly for her though, she hit a stud, taking 2 damage.

"FUUUUUUCKKK!"

"Calm down Clover! We will still recover health from this… Now that I think about it, this move is incredibly broken." Sam said.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Double D asked, not sure what to make of the situation anymore.

Meanwhile, the rain started to pour outside and Kevin was considering running away after sorta recovering from his broken arm. Before he could even contemplate taking a step though, Ed walked up right behind him.

"Now is the perfect time for me to enact my revenge. I do not remember why, but in the name of Buttered Toast it must be done!"

At first, nothing happened as Ed just stood there. Kevin was ready to call him a dork when the ground suddenly started to shake.

"LOOK OUT, STAMPEDE!" Rolf yelled in the background, running away furiously.

Kevin heard a loud rumbling coming from the background. In a matter of seconds, he was trampled over by a massive herd of goats. None of the Goats even got close to touching Ed, and all seemed to be specifically going for Kevin.

Right as the goats finished up with Kevin, Ed said two wise words of… Something.

"Buttered Toast."

Ed walked back to where he was standing and gave his signature dumb smile.

"Wow! I don't know how this could get any worse for Kevin!" Jerry commented.

A barely conscious Kevin noticed a slow driving pickup truck. A truck pulled up to Kevin, Dick Cheney and George Bush jr jumped out. Dick had a rifle loaded and ready to shoot.

"Where the heck are we? This isn't the right place!" George Wondered.

Dick looked around for a bit and noticed Kevin laying on the ground.

"Hey look! A Deer!"

George pointed the rifle at Kevin's left leg and shot him directly in the knee.

"DOOOOOORKS!"

The pain from the shot was enough to restore some consciousness to Kevin.

"Dammit Dick, that ain't a Deer! That's Kevin from that cartoon Ed Edd n Eddy… I hate that guy! Hand me that rifle!"

George grabbed the rifle from Dick and shot Kevin in his other knee.

"DOOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOORKS!

The pain was too much for Kevin this time, and he nearly passed out from it.

"Welp that was fun, but we gotta get going now, Dick."

Dick and George hopped back in their truck and sped off. Ed Eddy and Jerry watched in confusion.

"...What the heck just happened?!" Eddy asked, knowing that he wouldn't get an answer.

The Spies finally finished healing and making Double D cum, and so they rushed to fight Kevin once more. To their surprise though, Kevin already looked like he had his ass handed to him.

"Jesus dude, what the fuck happened to you?" Sam asked?

"If I told you, you wouldn't believe me." Jerry replied.

"It's a really good thing Eddy was recording!" Ed added.

Eddy turned to Ed again in confusion and annoyance.

"Quit randomly being smart Ed! ...And yeah, I'll just show you the recording when you finish up with Kevin."

The Spies looked down at Kevin's battered and bloodied body. It already looked like he was ready to die any second.

"Maybe we should end this quickly. It isn't as fun beating up what is essentially a corpse." Alex explained as she pulled out 20 sided dice.

"I'll roll next!" Sam yelled, rolling the dice.

Sam landed an 11. She prepared to shoot Kevin with her semi-automatic rubber bullet gun but realized he was basically lifeless.

"Let's wake Kevin up so he can feel more pain!" Sam yelled, hooking up jumper cables to his nuts.

She attached the other end of the cable to a lightning rod and watched as Kevin had one billion volts shot into his nuts.

"D-D-D-DO-DO-DO-DOR DOR-DORK-DOOORK-S-S-S-S-S! Kevin yelled as he was burnt to a crisp by a fucking lightning bolt.

"That seemed way too strong to be an 11 roll, folks." Jerry commented.

"Does it even matter at this point?" Sam responded.

"Yeah! Anyway, my turn!"

Clover threw her die and landed a 5.

"...Fuck no."

Clover threw her die again, this time landing a 19.

Clover got an idea, a beautifully evil and incestuous idea. She ran back inside Double D's house and brought out Kevin's mom with no clothes, dragging her outside on a leash.

"SUCK YOUR SON'S LIFELESS DICK!" Clover yelled, bitch-smacking Kevin's mom across the face.

Kevin's mom began to cry and put her mouth on his dick.

"Yeah, that's right! This is what you are!" Clover yelled, smacking and squeezing Kevin's mom's ass.

Kevin was too beaten and battered to stop her, and silently received the blowjob in shame. The worst part was that his mom was doing a really, really good job.

Eddy started to question what he was watching.

"Should I keep recording? This might be a little too fucked up for this video."

Everyone gave Eddy confused looks.

"Out of everything that has happened, this is what you think is crossing the line?" Jerry questioned.

Eddy didn't respond and continued filming.

"I will clap those cheeks in the name of Buttered Toast!" Ed yelled, taking his pants off and sticking his penis in Kevin's mom's ass from behind.

"SUCK KEVIN'S DICK FASTER!" Clover yelled at Kevin's mom.

She had a hard time concentrating with Ed fucking her from behind so she tried to go faster. Kevin, being the incel that he is, came within two minutes all over his mom's face.

Clover punched Kevin's mom in the boob.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SWALLOW IT, GOD DAMN IT!" Clover yelled.

"I AM BUTTERING THE TOAST OF KEVIN'S MOMMY!" Ed yelled, blasting his load all over the road, feeling quite contented.

Ed's cum overflowed upon the road, as Kevin's mom had sucked a chode. Kevin's load had a sickening grode, as his crotch was ripe with stinky mold.

Remember to wash 'down there', guys.

As Clover dragged Kevin's mom back inside, now Alex would have her torturous fun with Kevin. Alex rolled the dice hard and landed a 14.

"Uh...YAY! I ROLLED A TWENTY!" Alex lied excitedly.

"That doesn't look like a twenty, you stupid dorks…" Kevin weakly protested.

"He's, uh...he's delirious! BUT NOW IT'S MY TURN!" Alex yelled, growing giant muscles once more with feeling.

Alex ripped a lamppost out from the ground and shoved it up Kevin's ass.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DOOOOOORKS!" Kevin yelled as Alex shoved it in more and more.

Kevin tried to yell "dorks" again, but the lamppost came out of his mouth. Alex hurled the lamppost on top of Eddy's still-burning house, roasting Kevin like a disturbing Christmas ham.

The electricity from the lamppost combined with Eddy's house fire caused a giant explosion, taking out most of the roof and sending debris across the neighborhood.

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORKS!" A flaming Kevin yelled as he got sent flying across the cul-de-sac.

"Look, fellows, a shooting star! Make a wish in the name of Buttered Toast!" Ed yelled happily.

"I wish to have sex with Double D forever!" The Spies shouted in unison.

"YOU DORKS ARE WEEEEeeeeeee…." Kevin yelled as he flew farther and farther away.

Kevin eventually crashed into his house, destroying a good chunk of the building.

"OOH! I almost forgot something very important!" Sam yelled, running inside Kevin's house.

A bit of thinking and thumping could be heard as Sam dragged a machine down the stairs. The machine was made out of Kevin's various types of steel-toed jock shoes.

"Where'd you get the time to build that thing?!" Alex yelled, slightly turned on by such an invention.

"The same way you got the time to invent Crackweed! Don't think I don't know about your genetic plant experiments!"

"DAMMIT SAM! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CLOVERS BIRTHDAY PRESENT!" Alexx screamed.

Clover gave Alex a weird but happy look.

"Aww, Alex! That's so sweet of you! Crackweed will definitely help turn Double D into our id-"

"This isn't a chick flick! Either end the video here or do something else to Kevin!" Eddy demanded.

"...You know I hate to admit it, but Eddy might be right. I think we did enough to Kevin." Clover suggested.

"Yeah… But I still want to make use of this machine!"

Sam ran back into the house and dragged Kevins surprisingly not dead body out of the wreckage.

"Alright girls, let's go nice and deep into the woods so that no one will hear Kevin scream when we hook him up to my glorious machine of cock and ball torture!"

The girls ran into the woods with the machine while dragging Kevin by his nuts. When they were out of sight, Eddy turns the camera off.

"Well, I think now is a good time for us to…"

Eddy turned around to see his burned down house.

"...DAMMIT!" Eddy yelled.

"BURNIN' DOWN THE HOOOOUSE! A DADA DADA DA!" Alex yelled, jumping around and doing air guitar motions.

"GO FOCUS ON KEVIN!" Eddy yelled, hating life at that moment.

Alex flipped Eddy the double bird and went back to help the girls.

"It's ok Eddy, you can stay at my house if you like. You just have to accept Buttered Toast in your life and soul." Ed said.

"...I'll just sleep on the streets tonight. My house will just go back to normal in the morning."

Eddy walked off to try and get some sleep. Ed went back to his house to do Ed things, with Jerry following behind. Double D was still tied up and wondering where his life had gone wrong.

"Girls gets ready for tomorrow! We still have lots of work to do!... Clover, stop flicking your bean in front of the cul de sac. Save it for Double D!" Alex exclaimed, er...somewhat proudly.

"Sorry!" Clover replied as she pulled her hands out of her pants.