"WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE UNTIE MEEEEEE!" Double screamed at the top of his lungs.
Double D had spent the entire night tied up to his bed, and the spies had yet to return. He desperately wanted to get out and actually stretch his limbs for once. All this being tied up shit was starting to get to him.
"I think I have post-testicle stress disorder…" Double D said to himself.
"Oh, woe is me! Doomed to eternal yet pleasurable suffering of a gigolo...well, an unpaid gigolo." Double D said wearily as he covered his face with the back of his hand.
Crickets could be heard in the background.
"Wait a second...they forgot to tie one of my hands! How did I not notice this before?!" Double D yelled, quite perplexed.
He quickly untied himself, and for the first time in many days, put some clothes on. There weren't any sweat stains on the bed because he couldn't last more than two minutes with the Spies these days. Double D's boner still hadn't gone down from Kevin's stolen Viagra tablets, so Double D made a mental note to go to the hospital at some point.
First things first though, he had to clean his house since no one else was. Ever since his dad left to get that gallon of milk, and his mom left to get that, uh...other gallon of milk, Double D had been taking care of the house on his own.
"You know, now that I think about it, the lights are still on. Who's been paying the bills, and more importantly, who's been leaving these sticky notes around?!" Double D yelled.
"You thought it was your parents who pay the bills and leave sticky notes to help you...BUT IT WAS ME, DIO!" Dio Brando yelled as he revealed himself. Japanese writing covered the scenery to emphasize that this was Dio Motherfucking Brando.
"Oh! Thanks, Dio! I knew I could count on you!" Double D replied.
"Anytime! WRYYYYYYYYYYY!" Dio yelled again as he dived out the window.
"What a nice guy. But no time to focus on that! I need to get out of here before those crazy semen demons get back!"
Double D was about to rush to his closet to get some much-needed clothes around and other important stuff around, but something unusual caught his eye. Something he knew for a fact that wasn't there before. He didn't care about the heroin and dead bodies in the bathroom. Double D was more focused on the Gloryhole in one of the walls of his room. He got closer to inspect it and noticed some writing.
"Hmm, let's see. 'Put penis in for a free jawbreaker…"
Once again, Double D's lack of street smarts and sex smarts got to him. This is an Ed, Edd, n' Eddy smut story, every single thing imaginable was gonna be a metaphor for sex. He should've known this by now!
"Well, this day sure has taken a turn for the better! Free Jawbreaker here I come!"
As soon as Double D stuck his penis into the hole, he felt a very warm feeling of...warmth. A familiar warmth, yet still new to him. Before he could react to this, metal straps shot out and bound his arms.
"OH NO! NOT AGAIN!" Double D yelled as he got Post Testicle Stress Disorder once more.
Whoever was on the other side kept sucking, but just as Double D was about to freak out, he noticed that he was actually having a good time.
"Oh...oh, WOW! Whoever is doing this has the right idea for sure! They're so gentle and soothing on ol' Mr. Peener there!"
The person giving him the blowjob gave a muffled "thank you" in response.
The suck suck sucking continued, as Double D moaned more and more in pleasure. All of the rough sex he had to endure had made Mr. Peener extra sensitive, and this was such a relief. He wanted it to last forever… But Double D was still pretty shit at lasting, so he came within about a minute of the blowjob.
"Wow, that was amazing! I don't know who you are, but you are certainly a good fuck-er, uh, I mean sucker! In this case anyway. Apologies for my quick time length, I'm not too good at, well…'consensual' sex. Usually, I'm just brutally raped and 'ara ara'-ed by mentally ill bisexual secret agents! This time without those things being separate situations...normally it's just one at a time, but at once?! Man, it's just impossible to deal with!"
"No worries, Double D. You did, uh, a good job holding out for one minute I guess." A VERY familiar voice replied.
Double D's face dropped to the floor.
"N-N-N-NAZZ?!" Double D yelled.
"Oh...I thought you were about to use a different 'n' word there. My bad. Anyway, thanks for the cum! It wasn't great but it'll do!" Nazz replied, revealing herself.
Nazz said this at the exact opposite time of being a good time.
"WHAT did that lowlife hooker just say about Double D?" Alex question-yelled. There's no good word to describe the rage Alex was feeling right then.
Double D's expression took a complete 180.
"RUN NAZZ! RUN!" Double D pleaded, while still bound by the metal straps.
Nazz didn't look at all scared. If anything, she looked as if she didn't even know what monsters she had just unintentionally pissed off.
"Double D, don't be ridiculous. What are they going to do? Cock and Ball Torture me?"
"EVER HEARD THE TERM 'CUNTBUSTING'?!" Alex screamed.
"Uh...I might've fucked up here..." Nazz said to herself.
"Ohh, I can't look!" Double D yelled to himself.
"Hey, what's that noise!? It sounds like a motor-"
Nazz didn't have time to finish. She was already fucked.
"YOU DON'T HAVE A COCK BUT YOU CAN STILL FEEL THE PAIN!" Clover yelled as she ran into Nazz with Kevin's very beaten-down and shot up motorcycle.
"HERE COMES THE PAIN TRAIN! CHOOGA CHOOGA CHOOGA CHOOGA WHOO WHOOOOO!" Alex added.
Nazz struggled to get off the floor. She felt borderline paralyzed.
"Owww…"
Blood could be seen forming in her hair.
"FOR THE LOVE OF JEEPERS CREEPERS AND JUMPING JACK SKELLINGTON FECES, RUN!" Double D yelled.
"Oh Double D! You remembered that we love chasing our victims! You are so thoughtful!" Sam gleefully said.
This time Nazz took his advice and ran like hell.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLAGOOBLA!" Alex yelled as she rode with Clover on Kevin's motorcycle, wearing a gas mask and holding a dildo spear.
"Is that a dildo attached to a spear?!" Nazz yelled.
"RUN, O' PROTUBERANCE OF THE LESBIAN CAPTORS!" Rolf yelled from Eddy's rooftop.
"Rolf?! What the heck is going on?!" Nazz yelled as she continued running.
"VICTOR! ASSIST THE NAZZ-GIRL IN RUNNING AWAY!" Rolf yelled.
Victor ran up to Nazz, but instead of helping her, he tried to mount her.
"Good boy, Victor! It's a far greater feat to whip out the meaty stench of manhood than it is to rescue a FOUL WENCH FROM THE TORMENT OF LESBIAN DEGRADATION!" Rolf yelled.
"Dude, you guys are seriously fucked up in the head!" Nazz yelled.
A Confederate horn could be heard in the background.
"YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAW!" Clover yelled as she donned her cowboy hat.
"Women drivers, huh Ed boys?!" Rolf said jokingly.
No one responded because none of the Eds were around to hear him. This made Rolf feel very lonely.
"GO DOWN THE ALLEYWAY, NAZZ! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, RUN!" Double D yelled, while looking out the window, still bound by the metal straps.
"Mmm yes, Nazz-girl will have many holes filled on this day!" Rolf commented.
"Let's play Lesbian Lawn Darts!" Alex yelled as she threw the dildo spear at Nazz. It hit her right between the asscheeks, knocking her down instantly.
"I have to get out of he-EEEEEEEE-eeeeeere!" Nazz yelled like Michael Jackson as she orgasmed from her prostate being bashed by the dildo spear.
Her pants got stains all over, and she now struggled to crawl away to safety. Instead, she had to do a moonwalk to avoid the orgasmic feelings slowing her down. She reached for a sewer grate to open it, but it was too heavy.
"I...I can't lift this!" Nazz cried out in desperation.
All of a sudden the sewer grate lifted, Sam, revealing herself to be hiding underneath in wait.
"I predicted that you'd try something stupid like that." Sam replied as she came out of the manhole.
"Oh...oh god...THE STENCH…" Nazz exclaimed as she covered her nose and face.
"OOOOOOGLOOBAGLOOBAGLOOBABABABABA!" Clover yelled as she ran the motorcycle into Nazz again.
Nazz was sent flying into Eddy's house, crashing through his window.
"Oh, what the hell?! I crawled through an entire sewer system just to have my moment!" Sam yelled in frustration.
"Oh GOD-Jesus, Sam, you didn't have to study so hard for show and smell!" Alex yelled as she covered her nose.
"I can still smell it even with my gas mask on. Seriously dude, did you bathe in deep-fried diabetes or something?" Clover added.
Meanwhile, Eddy was letting a bowl of extremely hot soup cool on his table when this Nazz came crashing in. Nazz had landed face-first onto the table, causing the soup to go flying towards his face.
"WHAT THE—"
This was all Eddy could say before the soup hit him. Eddy's face turned bright red.
"MY FACE! MY FAAAACCCE!" Eddy screamed as he ran around the room in pain.
"MY ASS! MY-UNNGH-AAAAAAASS! Mostly my entire body but ESPECIALLY MY ASS!" Nazz screamed in 50% pleasure, 50% pain, and 100% reason to remember the name.
The spies walked inside to collect Nazz for uhhh… Nothing good. That much we know for sure by this point.
"I stink like shit for no reason because of you, Clover." Sam said angrily.
"WHO ELSE BUT CLOVER?!" Alex yelled as a laugh track plays.
"UHHHH! I can't think straight! That motherfucker needs to shut up!" Sam commented angrily as she threw the motorcycle at Eddy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA-" *KONK*
Eddy was now unconscious, with second-degree burns covering his face.
"Finally… Now, lets take that stupid fucking cunt back to Double Ds place!" Sam said, relieved.
"Yeah! Been a while since we worked our magic on a girl!" Clover added.
"That wasn't one of us!" Alex commented with a wink.
"Oh yeah, we do tons of girly fun stuff to each other! Like rub suntan lotion on each other's backs…" Sam started.
"On each other's genitals too!" Alex commented again.
"Then we go shopping…" Sam continued.
"For dildos and birth control!" Alex replied with a chuckle.
"Wait, you guys have birth control?! Give me some of that shit!" Clover butted in.
"Fuck that!...literally," Sam commented.
They continued their weird-ass conversation while dragging Nazz's body by the feet. Clover resisted the urge to suck Nazz's toes.
Goddamn, these bitches have issues.
...Penis.
