While Jimmy was being… Uhhh. Rolf and Johnny were off on a camping trip in the Forest. They dressed in their Urban Rangers uniforms and had with them all the necessities for camping. Though, Rolf had brought one extra, very not suspicious thing along with him.
"Say, Rolf, what's in this moving body bag anyway?" Johnny asked, trying his best to hang onto the bag.
"Ah yes, the luncheon of sexual travesties! Rolf brings with him his temporary fiancee and employee of meaty favors, you see?" Rolf replied.
Johnny stared at him for a moment, not understanding a single word he said.
"Oh, ok." Johnny replied very blankly.
"Help me…" Nazz muffled from inside the bag. Rolf and Johnny ignored her, of course.
They continued to walk through the Forest, with Johnny getting more and more tired the farther they got.
"Gee Rolf, why did we have to bring so much stuff?"
"You see wood-boy, the Urban Rangers ride without their third wheel on the tricycle of adventure! The gods have forced us to bear a load one-third greater…" Rolf replied.
Johnny got the gist of what he was saying.
"Yeah, I wonder where Jimmy is anyway. I hope he didn't chicken out of the camping trip!"
"Mmm, has the femininity of the Urban Rangers decided to become the housewife of cowardice? I should not believe it, lest the eggplants in Rolf's garden turn to meaty phalli!" Rolf yelled.
Johnny was about to say that he wouldn't be surprised by Jimmy becoming a housewife but tripped on a rock. He fell face-first into some dirt and everything he was carrying dumped over. A tied-up Nazz fell out of the bag and hit the ground hard, knocking the wind out of her. Rolf quickly put Nazz back in the bag and helped Johnny up.
"Ah yes, the place for our outdoor endeavors!" Rolf exclaimed as he began setting up the tent.
The two set up their tents, and get food out. Rolf starts to work on a campfire while Johnny went off to take in the surrounding nature. While out though, he heard something very strange in the distance.
"Hey Rolf, do you hear that noise? It sounds like a hippopotamus getting spanked by a Transformer!" Johnny yelled.
Rolf stood up.
"What is this sound you speak of? Rolf shall listen and bear the noises of nature!"
He listened closely to the sound, but couldn't figure out what it was. Though, he could tell that it didn't belong in a forest.
"This sound reminds Rolf of nothing he has witnessed in his time as a shepherd! THE URBAN RANGERS SHALL INVESTIGATE THE DECIBELS OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES!"
Rolf started to speed walk towards the sound. Johnny didn't even remotely know what the hell Rolf was talking about, so he just followed behind. As they walked closer to it, A faint "Dork...dork...dork...dork…" could be heard in the distance.
"Hey, that voice sounds familiar!" Johnny yelled.
"This voice reminds Rolf of misfortune herself…and her husband, Strife!"
"What is that, some kind of fantasy sitcom?!" Johnny asked.
Before Rolf could respond, he noticed something in the distance. It looked like a weird carjack-trampoline thing.
"We must make haste, wood-boy!"
Rolf started to jog.
"Hey! Wait for Me and Plank!"
Johnny looked at Plank for a second and held the wooden board up to his ear.
"PLANK! We can't kill Rolf just because he's from a foreign country! That violates human rights, Plank!" Johnny yelled very, very loudly.
Rolf didn't seem concerned. What a Chad!
Johnny managed to catch up to Rolf and could start to make out what was producing the noise. To his surprise, He could see Kevin tied up to something. Something truly terrible.
"Holy White Jesus! Someone hooked Kevin up to a crotch kicking machine!" Johnny yelled again.
When they finally got up close to the contraption, they got to see it in action.
*KICK* "Dork…" *KICK* "Dork…" *KICK* "Dork…"
This continued with no stop. Kevin looked extremely tired and exhausted. He had not slept since he was hooked up.
"Rolf, we have to free him! No one deserves such a terrible fate!" Johnny yelled, quite horrified.
"Hmm yes, the machine of genital degradation! Rolf has seen many cases of this, yet never one with the steel-toed boot of Lady Misfortune's injustice!"
The two ran up to the machine and looked around for a way to turn it off. *WHOEVER* had made the machine did a shity job. It didn't appear to have an on and off switch.
"There just has to be a… Hey, what about this?!"
Johnny pushed a random button, hoping it would end his suffering. Instead, this only caused the kicking to go into turbo mode.
"DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS DORKS" Kevin cried out non-stop, as he was repeatedly kicked over and over at turbo speeds.
"Wow, look at it go! The craftsmanship on this machine is great!" Johnny exclaimed, completely forgetting about Kevin's suffering.
"Mmm yes, unfortunately, we must break the chains of misfortune! If we cannot tame the machinery of the underworld, we must break it at its root!" Rolf yelled, smashing the machine with a sledgehammer.
Of course, this did the opposite of help. The machine now went even faster,
"DORKSDORKSDORKSDORKSDORKSDORKSDORKSDORKSDORKS-"
Finally, the machine started to smoke, going faster and faster until it finally broke down with one last sledgehammer swing. To their surprise though, the machine blew up, sending Rolf and Johnny flying back.
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRrrrrrrkkkkssssss…." Kevin screamed as he was thrown high into the air.
Rolf and Johnny stood back up to watch Kevin.
"Wow, look at him go!" Johnny exclaimed.
"Mmm yes, motorcycle-boy Kevin has become the shooting star of the cul de sac!" Rolf commented.
After a few more moments, Kevin started to fall back to Earth. Instead of hitting the ground though, he landed on a tree branch crotch first.
"DORKS!" Kevin yelled in pain.
Kevin fell off of the branch and hit the ground back first. His eyes started to close as he was about to black. But right when he was about to temporarily leave this hell, the boot landed right on his crotch.
"D-Dorks…DOOOOOOOO…"
Kevin finally blacked out as expected from this much testicle pain. Rolf and Johnny walked up to him and looked on in slight discomfort.
"Wow, I can't believe he survived that!" Johnny commented.
"Hush there, wood-boy Johnny! Rolf has brought with his outdoor load the marshmallows of tastiness, and the Hershey's chocolate of tongue-infused wholesomeness!" Rolf yelled as he had somehow already got back to camp and set up a fire.
"SWEET! Hey wait, don't burn the s'mores!" Johnny yelled, running back to camp.
The two figured that Kevin would be just fine on his own from this point. We don't actually know to be honest. It seems like they just kinda forgot about him… What? We don't control what happens, we just tell you. This is a totally true non-fictitious story, after all, we're sure this happened in a parallel universe somewhere!
...Speaking of which. Something else is actually happening with Double D.
"Double D! Where are YOOOOUUUU!" Alex yelled.
Double D had managed to break out of his house due to some MacGuyver-Esque escapades and was on the run from the Spies.
"Day Two of my life as a sexual fugitive. They found out of my escape from the shower and are now after me… I don't know how much longer I can take it! I don't have anything against them, but they're going insane for no reason! Hopefully, all goes well and they just forget about me…" Double D wrote in his journal.
Everyone who's read up to this point should know by now that wasn't going to be the case.
"Sam, what the fuck are you doing?" Alex asked, noticing a moving cardboard box on the ground.
"SHHHHHH! I'm on the move to find Double D, and I'll suck his Solid Snake as soon as I find him! We have to make him feel more welcome!" Sam replied.
A laugh track could be heard in the background, as Alex played a canned audience sound effect for Sam's terrible pun. Alex and Sam smiled like theater performers, though Clover was nowhere to be seen.
Double D watched on from a bush. He wa- stop laughing! He was absolutely terrified of being found out and wished that he could just make a break for it. As he watched though, he was suddenly grabbed from behind and pulled out.
"NO NO! PLEASE, I CA… S-S-Sarah?!"
Sarah stared at Double D with pure anger in her eyes.
"YOU BETTER TELL ME WHERE JIMMY IS, OR I WILL MAKE IT SO YOU CAN NEVER HAVE KIDS AGAIN!"
The Spies overheard this and saw Sarah holding up Double D by the collar. This massively pissed them off.
"THAT BITCH IS TRYING TO RUIN DOUBLE D!" Alex yelled.
As it turned out, Clover was searching the rooftop of a nearby house. She jumped off the roof and landed on top of Sarah, roughing her up a bit. As Sarah was coughing up a little blood, Sam ran up and started to repeatedly stomp Sara.
Double D attempted to slip away, but was grabbed by Alex. She gave him a big hug and a tear-filled crazy smile.
"OHHHH DOUBLE D! You had us so worried… Why didn't you tell us that Sara was after you?"
Double D would've asked the Spies to not hurt Sarah since he knew they were going to, but truth be told...he hated Sarah's guts. Also, he couldn't breathe since Alex was hugging him so tightly, so he couldn't tell them even if he wanted to.
Which he didn't.
"Well, don't you worry handsome! I'm going to lock you in a completely locked room so that no one can ever go after you again!" Alex exclaimed happily as she continued to hug Double D.
"OOOOHH, YOU'D BETTER TELL ME WHERE JIMMY IS!" Sarah yelled as even Clover and Sam struggled to contain her.
"Wow! This bitch is very resilient!" Clover commented while trying to strangle Sarah.
"Yeah, it looks like I'll have to use my elephant tranquilizer!" Sam yelled, pulling out what looked like a hunting rifle and shooting a dart at Sarah's stomach.
"OOoohhh...you...fucking bitch...es...ugh." Sarah said calmly as she fell fast asleep.
"Man, that put her to sleep fast!" Clover commented.
"But not as fast as a good night's masturbation!" Alex exclaimed, with another canned laugh track playing.
The girls shared a laugh and made their way back inside. Clover and Sam dragged Sarah while Alex carried Double D. At this point, Double D had passed out from being hugged for too long.
