Chapter Text

Sara's vision slowly started to return to her. A very sinister yet soothing voice could be heard.

"It's for you." A nurse lady said calmly.

Sarah woke up to realize that she was in a hospital room. The Three Spies walked in, dressed up as sexy bimbo nurses in mini-skirts. Bitches weren't even wearing bras, just tight nurse outfits exposing the cleavage and barely hiding the nipple. They basically just looked like strippers, way better than the ones you see on Instagram though.

Sam was holding a cell phone in her hand. She held the phone up to Sara. What she heard caused her heart to sink.

"Sara! The Spies captured me and turned me into a trap! I'm currently in prison an-"

"Yo bitch! Get back here and sit on my dick!" A very large sounding prisoner yelled.

"SAAARRRRAAAAAA—"

The call abruptly ended, leaving Sarah to wonder what kind of faggotry Jimmy was enduring.

"J-Jimmy?! WAIT TILL I GET MY-"

Sara tried to reach for the spies, only to realize that she was tied down.

"Is someone getting their hands on Jimmy good enough?" Alex asked only half sarcastically.

Sarah began to get very pissed off, trying to get out of the hospital bed. This annoyed the spies, so Sam injected some numbing shit into her.

"See what resisting gets you?! Now you can't even move around at all!" Sam yelled.

"Uhhh… She already cou-"

"SHUT UP CLOVER! ...We have work to do."

The Spies all kept wearing their bimbo big titty nurse outfits as they prepared to do 'Surgery' on Sarah.

"Alright girls, this patient is suffering from stupid fucking bitch syndrome. We will have to act fast if we want to 'save' her." Sam said, very leader-like.

"NURSE ALEX! GET THE ANTI-ASSHOLE SERUM!" Alex yelled.

"Well, okay! I played twelve hours of Surgeon Simulator so I should be good to go!" Sam yelled as she pulled out a scalpel and tons of drugs.

Sara was both horrified, and enraged by this.

"YOU'D BETTER LET ME GO AND GIVE JIMMY BACK OR ELSE I'LL GO FULL ORLANDO DYKE ON YOUR STUPID ASS!" Sarah yelled.

"NURSE CLOVER! THE PATIENT IS BEING AN ASSHOLE!" Sam yelled.

Clover grabbed a random syringe and injected Sara with it. Sara started to violently twitch and foam at the mouth, making the Spies cringe a bit.

"Hey Clover, what did you stick her with anyway?" Sam asked.

"Heroin, and lots of it!" Clover replied.

"Ooh, I wanna try I wanna try!" Alex yelled.

Alex grabbed another random shot and stuck it right in her neck. She slowly, wobbly and shittily injected the weird-looking liquid while laughing a bit.

"I don't recognize that one. What is it?" Clover asked.

"I have no idea! That's what makes this fun!" Alex yelled.

"This just has Russian writing on it." Sam said as she grabbed the bottle.

"Heh, that figures. Man, Sarah's seen better days though." Alex replied.

Meanwhile, Sarah looked like she was having an incredibly terrible stroke.

"Uh guys, I think she might die soon." Clover added.

"I'M NN-N-N-N-N-NO-O-O-T DE-E-E-E-AAAAAD!" Sarah yelled with an ill fervor as she twisted her head to the right and closed one eye.

"Surgery time already, eh? Let's play 'Toss the Scalpel!'" Alex yelled.

"That sounds dangerous and horribly irresponsible. But also fun, so let's do it!" Sam commented.

Alex threw a scalpel and hit Sarah in the shoulder, eliciting a scream of pain.

"Shoulder surgery? Well, she did feel a bit tense! Let's hop to it!" Sam yelled, pulling out a miniature saw blade.

Without any other warning or anesthesia (the numbing stuff doesn't stop the pain, just stops her from moving), Sam started to saw off Sara's left arm. Sara cried and struggled as she felt the saw rip her flesh and tear her bone. The Doom Slayer would be proud.

Alex slapped the shit out of Sam as Sarah's arm popped off.

"You dumbass, we're supposed to give her shoulder surgery not arm surgery! Now that bloody stump is gonna get infected if we don't reattach the arm soon." Alex stated as Sarah just cried while seizing.

"Oh shit, you're right! CLOVER, GET THE STITCHES!" Sam yelled.

"All I have is some glue and this staple gun." Clover replied.

"I have a baggie clamp for my Cool Ranch Doritos." Alex added.

"Gimme the staple gun!" Sam yelled again as she began her surgery.

Clover handed Sam the staple gun, and Sam got to work. She began putting Sarah's arm back on, making Sarah scream in pain with each staple.

"Uh, Sam?" Alex asked.

"Not now! The doctor is at work!"

"SAM! YOU'RE PUTTING THE ARM ON THE WRONG WAY!" Clover yelled.

"Wait, I am? OH SHIT, I'M PUTTING THE ARM ON THE WRONG WAY!" Sam screamed.

These nurses were not doing their job properly.

"Oh well, I'll help you fix that!" Alex replied, twisting the half-stapled arm and pulling it off harshly.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Sarah yelled in agonizing pain.

"Hey, check this out! If I squeeze the arm just right, blood comes out of the cut veins!" Alex said as she started playing with the arm.

"Coooooooool." Sam replied.

Alex bit into the bloody part of the disembodied arm.

"I'm a vampire now! Bleh bleh bleeeeeh!"

"Alright, gimme that!" Sam yelled as she pulled the arm away from Alex, accidentally breaking one of the fingers.

"Uh...we can fix that later." Clover stated.

"Shit, we gotta get that thing back on soon! Sarah looks like she's about to pass out!" Alex yelled.

"WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA!" Clover yelled, taking out a piece of bubblegum and a power drill.

"No no no, we're not trying the Mission Impossible shit aga—WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Sam yelled, seeing Clover drill holes in Sarah's stump and glue together some Lincoln Logs.

"Shut up, I'm thinking!" Clover yelled, sticking the now chewed bubblegum into Sarah's stump.

"Whatever. Let's roll with it." Clover replied, helping to stitch Sarah's arm back on as Clover tried to attach it by other, completely retarded means.

Outside the room, a certain little bastard was making his way into the room.

"Man, how am I supposed to get rich from those pornos when those psycho spies keep sending me to the hospital?!" Eddy complained, to himself.

When he walked in, his angry expression turned to one of complete and utter shock.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

The spies all turned to face Eddy, as a bit of blood sprayed out of Sarah.

"What AREN'T we doing?" Sam asked confused.

"Relax Jew-boy, we're just helping reattach your girlfriend's arm. Oops." Alex said as Sarah's arm popped back off.

Sarah let out another scream of agony as Sam tried to stitch it back on. Somehow, someway, it was actually kind of working this time.

"Why do I have to do this anyway?! Attaching all these stupid nerve endings back together is hard, damn it!" Sam yelled.

"Power through it, Sam! Ugh, anyway, you'd better not tell anyone about this Eddy! If you do, we'll give you an involuntary sex change operation!" Clover yelled.

Eddy took this advice and ran out of the hallway.

"That ought to do it!... I think." Sam said as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.

"Yeah, but just in case…" Alex added as she pulled out her cellphone.

"Hey, Jenny? Could you kick Eddy in the nuts on his way out, please? We'd really appreciate it."

"Certainly, Alex dear." Jenny at the front desk replied.

The Spies waited a few seconds and heard the unmistakable sound. A very loud "OOOOWWWW!" could be heard from near the entrance Ahh, perfect! OH! Sam, is her arm looking okay?" Alex asked.

"Well, it's not blue or purple anymore. That's a good sign, right?" Sam replied, her outfit stained with blood.

"You...bitches…" A half-conscious Sarah replied.

"Wait. Did we forget the anesthetic?" Alex asked.

"What anesthetic?" Clover replied.

"...never mind. Go get the anesthetic, Sam!" Alex yelled.

"All I have is this ammonia and bleach." Sam replied.

"That ought to do it! Mix it together, I'll get the masks!" Alex said with a thumbs up.

Sam started mixing ammonia and bleach together, only to get a horrible smell.

"HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!" Some old man in the other room yelled.

"Close the door will you?!" Sam yelled.

"Fine fine, geez. Also, what's that awful smell?!" Alex yelled.

The Spies had already hooked up the mask to Sarah and accidentally on purpose began giving her mustard gas.

"JESUS FUCK SAM, WHY WOULD I TELL YOU THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!? THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF A GOOD IDEA!" Alex yelled, quickly undoing the anesthesia medication system thingy.

They managed to get it off right before it could have killed Sarah. Though her face had partially melted off and she probably wished that she was dead.

"Wow! We suck at this job!" Clover yelled out, super happily.

"Well, no shit! That's why we're sexy spies and not sexy nurses!" Alex replied.

"Girls girls! We can still save her life! We ju-...Wait, why would we want to save her life? She assaulted Double D!"

Angry faces formed on their faces.

"Oh yeah. FUCK THIS BITCH! WE STILL HAVE TO DO THE SHOULDER SURGERY THOUGH!" Alex yelled.

In a fit of rage, Alex pulled out the scalpel and dug into Sarah's shoulder. Sara made noises that sounded like cries of pain, while the spies maintained their pissed off faces.

"THEY SAID DOING SURGERY WHILE ANGRY WASN'T A GOOD IDEA AND IT WASN'T!" Alex yelled, accidentally cutting into the bone.

"Come...on...push...THROUGH!" Alex yelled, slipping to the right and accidentally breaking Sarah's collarbone.

"Oopsie poopsie! Welp looks like it's time for collarbone surgery!" Alex said as she stuck the scalpel next to Sarah's neck and yanked out the broken bone.

"JESUS FUCK ALEX!" Sam yelled as she was about to vomit.

"Relax relax, I got this." Alex yelled.

Sarah, of course, was screaming with pain this whole time.

"Man, you'd think the mustard gas would have put her out but no…bitch has some serious endurance." Clover added.

Alex took out a roll of tape and duct-taped the collar bone back together, sticking it back into Sarah's open wound.

"That ought to do it! Where should we do surgery next?!" Alex yelled.

The girls thought for a moment and came up with a truly great idea.

"Leg surgery!" The girls yelled in unison.

"First, we have to injure the leg!" Alex yelled, picking up a chair.

Alex smashed the chair against Sarah's leg, making her scream in pain.

"OOH, that's gotta hurt! I'll beat it up a bit just to be sure!" Sam yelled as she began punching Sarah's now broken leg.

"AHHHH! YEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWCCHH!" Sarah yelled.

"Uh...brain surgery too!" Clover yelled as she whacked Sarah over the head with a tool tray, the supplies flying across the room almost in a comical fashion.

"No no no! THIS is how you cause brain damage!" Alex yelled while grabbing the power drill.

Alex put the drill directly on the left side of Sara's head and started to drill into her brain. Sarah mumbled and violently shook as the drill got deeper and deeper in her brain. Before she knew it, she had completely forgotten what her name was.

"There! Now her brain is nice and damaged!" Alex announced, with a proud look on her face.

The other girls looked down at Sara's bleeding hole in her head and realized something.

"Wait, we don't know how to perform brain surgery." Clover said.

"...EXACTLY!" Alex yelled back.

"We dunno how to perform brain surgery…" Sarah repeated, a bit of blood spraying from her head hole.

"Wait hold on hold on, I have a funny idea. Hey Sarah...I am a faggot." Clover whispered to Sarah.

"I am a faggot…" Sarah repeated blankly.

"Hah, that's awesome! Lemme try one...Hey Sarah, I masturbate to pictures of Hitler!" Alex added.

"I massassturbatayte to pictituuress of Hititler…" Sarah replied while drooling a bit.

"Aw man, she messed up the line!" Alex yelled.

"No, I think she's just retarded now. She should heal soon from that though!" Clover replied, not knowing how brain damage worked.

"Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do with her now? We can't kill a retard, that would be waaaaaayyyy too fucked up!" Sam wondered.

"Too fucked up for US? You mean too fucked up for YOU, watch this shit!" Clover replied as she pulled out a .44 Magnum.

Clover shot Sarah in the gut, blood exploding across the room. Sarah stopped breathing for a few seconds, only to wake back up and groan a bit.

"Ouchiewawa! The b-b-bulleterectongy hit myayayin azhoole in the guttarut!" Sarah exclaimed, pooping out a bit of blood.

"CLOVER, ARE YOU CRAZY?! I BOUGHT THOSE BULLETS FOR SAM AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!" Alex yelled.

"Oh fuck, you're right! Guess we have to approach this logically, huh?"

The Spies all thought for a while until they got an idea.

Later that day…

Alex pulled a wheelchaired Sarah into the local Retard School, which was just twenty minutes away from Peach Creek. The Spies brought Sarah to the front desk, as the desk lady played with her cell phone. She also had an edgy VHS filter on her Twitter account, but we're getting off-topic.

"Hello, we have a retard that we would like to get ri- give a nice new home!" Sam explained, with a fake smile.

The lady looked up from her phone and nearly vomited at the sight of Sarah.

"Holy Jesus, is she okay? Looks like her face got stuck in a lawnmower!" The desk lady yelled.

"Minus the broken leg, the brain damage, the maimed collarbone, the melted face, the arm stitches, the blood loss, and the drug overdose-infused stroke and seizure among other things, she's perfectly fine!" Alex explained while smiling.

"I have a b-b-bullet in my vaginaabbigator." Sarah replied.

The Lady looked at them with a mix of shock and confusion.

"Y-You are covered in her blood! And for the love of God, you're wearing stripper outfits! There are kids around here!"

"And?" Alex argued.

"Kids shouldn't be allowed to see this stuff!" The Lady yelled.

"Why?" Alex argued still.

"That's pedophilia!" The Lady yelled, louder this time.

"And?" Alex replied.

"AND, if you don't high tail it out of here, I'll get a SWAT team to lock you up!"

The spies exchanged worried looks, then looked back at the Lady.

"Well… Then you should probably take her in, or else YOU will end up like her…" Clover threatened.

The Lady sighed, she didn't feel like getting into a shootout in public.

"Fine, we'll take her in. What'd you say her name was?" The Desk Lady asked.

"Sarah the stup- Uhhh, just Sarah." Alex said.

"The last name too, please."

"Oh, her full name? Sarah, uh...actually we don't know her last name."

The Lady looked down and sighed.

"Give me a moment, I'll see if I can find any of her family."

The Lady typed her name in, and someone immediately came up. Her eyes when wide when she saw just who she was related to.

"Wait, she's Ed's sister?"

The Spies realized this could work out for the better.

"Why yes, she is...who's asking?" Clover asked like a gangster, filing her nails a bit.

"Clover stop it, you don't look 'tough'." Sam butted in.

"We had a student named Ed a while ago who escaped from school premises and hasn't shown back up since. Where's this Sarah girl from, exactly?" The Desk Lady asked.

"Peach Creek. And if you take Sarah in, no questions asked, we'll guide you to his house." Clover replied.

"Deal."

The Lady went off with Sarah and requested a guard to talk with the spies. They explained the deal and went back to Peach Creek with him.

"Ok so, Ed's house is over there." Sam explained while pointing to Ed's house.

"Thanks, ladies. I'll go give the coordinates to the school, and be back."

The man left while whispering something into a walky-talky.

"Well now that that's over, let's get everyone around and film another porno!" Sam said while doing a pose in the air.

"OMG! I was thinking the same thing!" Clover replied, doing the same pose.

"Yeah! And we already have sexy nurse costumes on!" Alex added, also doing the same pose.

Eddy got off a bus while watching in horror as the Spies did the pose in midair and flung a bit of blood onto the street. He couldn't bear to watch their antics anymore after what they did to Sarah. As he tried to get away though, Alex heard him running.

"Hey, Jew Boy! Go grab the camera and get the other two! We have another porno to film!"

Eddy didn't respond and ran to his house to grab the camera. He didn't want them going psycho on him. The Spies posed in midair for a bit longer, reenacting a few anime openings. Eventually, the Spies went back down to the ground and ran off to get Double D.

...penis, but gay. Yes.