Chapter Two – Sleepless Nights
Even though fifteen years passed since the Tragedy of Duscur, Dimitri still couldn't sleep through the night.
I'd gotten so used to him disappearing in the middle of the night that I no longer thought much of it. He'd be there when I fell asleep, arms wrapped around me so that my face rested on his chest, and when I next awoke, he'd be gone. I wasn't sure how he functioned on so little sleep, but he always assured me he got some with me by his side. But my presence still wasn't enough for him to make it through to daylight after all.
When I woke up that night, surrounded by darkness still, he was gone. Most nights I would've rolled back over and gone back to sleep, but I pushed myself out of the bed instead. I would miss him while I was gone, so going a second without him now seemed… unbearable.
My bare feet touched the ground softly, and I took each step quietly to avoid waking the dog that slept on the fur rug in front of our bed. The effort was in vain, though, because he picked his head up and looked at me with a whimper. He was a stray from Garreg Mach with some serious abandonment issues, which reminded me a little of someone I knew.
"Go back to sleep, Dani. I'm just going to find Dimitri," I told him. He put his head back down but continued to watch me as I walked out of the room.
I peeked in the rooms of each of my children as I walked by them in the hallway. Katrina recently transitioned from her crib to a bed. I expected her to fight it like Alexi did, but the second her head hit that pillow the first night, her life changed for the better. Linhardt would have been proud.
Both Katrina and Alexi looked just like their father. Neither of them got much from me. If they hadn't come from me, I would never have guessed they were my children by looking at them. But Katrina's personality was more similar to mine than Alexi's. She was sharper with her words, precocious for a two-year-old, but generally an observer until she wanted something. Cold, calculating. Too smart for her own good. That part might've been courtesy of her Uncle Claude.
Alexi was his father's son, though. Quiet, polite, a proper prince. Gustave told us he was already a natural when it came to the more physical aspects of the world. He started walking well before his first birthday and then went for his father's lance next.
Out of the two of them, only Katrina carried her father's Crest. Neither got mine. And this was one of the biggest and, perhaps, most controversial reforms of all. In the previous rule of the Kingdom, it was typical for noble families to disown their children without Crests. It had happened to Sylvain's brother, and Mercedes had been thrown aside, as well, when an heir was born with a Crest in her family. Yet despite having no Crest, Alexi was heir apparent—next in line for the crown to rule the country with or without a Crest.
The reform of the Crest system was something Sylvain fought for, but the decision was heavily split between the nobility and the commoners. The decision to recognize the birth of a child ultimately came down to the parents, but the whole attitude towards Crests seemed to take a shift when Alexi was born. There was celebration throughout the country with the news of his birth—until news made its way around that he was born without a Crest. And then the whole of Fódlan held its breath wondering what we would do.
By recognizing Alexi as heir apparent, there was a paradigm shift. I saw Sylvain cry that day, even though he would forever deny it, because he was so happy that there might never be another Miklan.
That was probably why Sylvain took such a shine to Alexi. It wasn't that he didn't care for Katrina too, but his interactions with my son were something special. At least for now. Once Sylvain started teaching him how to hit on girls, it wouldn't be so special anymore.
I could see Alexi sleeping on his side with his arms wrapped around a stuffed wyvern Mercedes made for him. And in the next room, Katrina was spread-eagle on her bed, leaving very little room for the cat between her legs at the base of the bed.
"Your Majesty?"
I jumped, quickly shutting the door to Katrina's room and spinning on my heel. My free hand still automatically went to my side where I usually attached my sword in its sheath, but I remembered where I was and when before I looked too stupid.
One of the Knights of Seiros who made the rounds of the manor bowed to me. "Can I help you with anything, Your Majesty? May I fetch you a glass of water? Call the nanny?" He gestured to the door beside me, and I dropped my hand from the doorknob.
"No, thank you. I'm just…" I paused. "I couldn't sleep and wanted to stretch my legs. I'm fine. Please return to your duties."
"As you wish, Your Majesty." The knight bowed again and continued walking past me, and I watched him turn the corner at the end of the hall.
Once he was out of sight, I continued my own walk in the opposite direction. Dimitri usually went to one of a few places when he couldn't sleep, but there was only one place that could distract him enough from the voices that still plagued him. I knew that his nightmares got worse when I wasn't there. The night before I left to go on a trip was always difficult for him.
I made my way through the dark halls with a hand to the wall to guide me. My eyes adjusted with the faint light of the embers in lamps throughout the hall, but still I proceeded cautiously, lest there be one of the stray cats or dogs Dimitri took in lounging in the hall.
He missed the Officers Academy. Not necessarily school, but he missed seeing his friends and the building itself. He missed the familiarity of it. Maybe even the familiarity of Fhirdiad. This new capital we built was closer to the monastery, yet far enough away that it did not seem in relation to the church. There were even politics involved in where we could call home.
But we did our best to mimic some of his favorite places and things here. Hence the cats and dogs he took in. Only Dani and Katrina's cat, Mino, were allowed in our rooms, and the other animals were free to come and go as they pleased. The cats mostly took care of any mice or rats, and the dogs made the people here happy.
As for the manor itself, the one thing Dimitri wanted more than anything was a knights' hall. That was usually where he could be found at the monastery, after all. And so now, when the going got tough, that was where I could find him here.
He was sweating as he practiced with a training lance, spearing the straw dummies in the heart one to the next. I wasn't sure he noticed I entered the room. I grabbed a training sword from the rack of weapons and walked directly into his next attack, blocking him from piercing another dummy.
His left eye widened, but he recovered quickly and took another swing, this time at me. I parried, knocking his lance aside and cutting under with my sword. He dodged, stepping just out of range, which gave him the advantage with his longer weapon. But the short sword allowed for more careful parries, and I repeatedly blocked his hits.
In the end, I cheated. To be fair, if this was an actual battle, it wouldn't be called cheating; it would be called strategy. I lobed my sword to my left hand and used my right to form a small ball of magic, casting it at him so it knocked the lance right out of his hand. I stepped forward and pointed my sword at his throat, and he held up his hands in surrender.
"Well done, my beloved," he commended. "You'll be fine at the old border."
"Did you doubt it?" I wondered, lowering my sword.
He smiled at me and picked up his lance. I handed him my sword, and he put both weapons back on the rack. "Of course not. But a husband worries, you know."
I took a seat on one of the wooden benches and hummed. "Does he?"
Dimitri sat next to me and laced his fingers through mine. His hands were calloused and scarred, but that just told me the story of all he went through. In the end, they still felt like hands, and they felt the most human when against mine.
"I hate it when you are gone," he told me quietly.
I squeezed his hand, placing my other hand on top of our joined ones so that I encompassed him almost fully. "You could come with me."
Dimitri shook his head solemnly. "The timing won't work. We're going to have to scramble to reassess the tax situation to get the public schools open. Then there are trade renegotiations with Almyra—Claude's coming next week. He'll be upset not to see you."
"He'll live."
"I will make sure he doesn't get Alexi into too much trouble with pranks again," he assured me, which wasn't much assurance because it hadn't gone well last time Claude was here. "Oh, and Katrina will begin her language tutoring when the teacher from Brigid arrives. Maybe she'll be able to greet you in a second language when you return."
"That sounds nice."
"Byleth."
I loved it when he called me by my name. Pet names were nice, of course. But there was something special about Dimitri saying my name. So few referred to me as Byleth these days. It was always "Professor" or "Your Majesty" or "Your Grace."
"The world does not stop without me," I reminded him, lifting our hands to my mouth and kissing his hand.
"No," he agreed, "but it feels as though it does."
I remembered so clearly the first time I slept by his side to keep the nightmares away. It had been back at the academy, just after he broke through the rage that had taken over when Edelgard began her rule. It wasn't the first time I caught him wandering the monastery at night. Neither of us slept very well those days.
I caught him that night in the old Blue Lions classroom staring at the chalkboard. We didn't use the classrooms anymore, so my writing left on that board was near impossible to remove after five years.
"Professor, awake again?"
He knew it was me without even turning around. Even then, the two of us were in sync.
I sat down at one of the desks and flicked a quill in a glass jar so that it twirled around with a tinny noise. Dimitri turned around to look at me. He appeared so haggard back then, his eye sunken and his skin pastier than I remembered it from five years prior. But at least there was life back in that eye of his.
"Are you not tired after today's battle?" he asked me.
I flicked the quill again. "I could say the same of you. You overexerted yourself."
"I am always tired, Professor," he responded with a smile.
I wanted to tell him not to call me that anymore. I wasn't his Professor—wasn't anyone's Professor. But the thought of him calling me by my name made my pulse quicken, and that seemed inappropriate considering that he was essentially king.
"More nightmares?"
"Always. They never leave me alone these days. Dedue has tried every food and drink he knows to help me sleep, and now I am merely overly satiated and afflicted by insomnia." I knew by his tone that he was joking, but I didn't smile. "When I was younger and could not sleep, my stepmother used to boil a pot of milk for me with some nutmeg and cinnamon, and that always put me fast to sleep."
"No luck now?" I wondered.
Dimitri finally walked around the desk and sat next to me. He was not wearing his usual clunky armor but what had to be his night clothes: a cotton shirt and some black pants. He took a turn flicking the quill, but it went flying out of the cup and clattered to the floor. "Unfortunately not. I think it was the taste that had been soothing to me. Now I can't taste anything."
I shook my head. "You've suffered too much for someone so young."
This earned a smile, though I couldn't say why until he enlightened me. "You say that as if you are so much older than me, Professor."
It didn't seem fair. Why Dimitri? Why did the world seem so set against him?
"I want to help you," I told him, "but I am not sure how."
"You saying that is enough. You need not exert yourself any more than you already have for my sake." Dimitri rose and retrieved the quill, dropping it back into the cup. "Professor, please try to get some sleep. Tomorrow we set out again, and it wouldn't do to have you passing out from exhaustion."
I nodded and started to leave the classroom. But when I got to the doorway, a crazy thought wandered into my mind, and I turned back around. He was twirling the quill with just his index finger now, his strength controlled and his movements almost delicate.
"Dimitri."
Still sitting, he shifted slightly so he could look over his shoulder at me. My steps echoed in the nearly empty classroom as I approached him again, this time with my hand outstretched towards him.
"Let me help you. Let me try."
He stared at my hand for a moment before grabbing it and following me. I led him back to my room, a space forbidden and taboo, even though it wasn't really. Dimitri's expression was unreadable as I unlocked my door and gestured to the bed against the left wall.
"When I got nightmares as a kid," I told him, walking over to my bed and pulling the sheets down, "I used to feel better when I had someone to hold onto."
I crawled into the bed and held my arms outstretched towards him. His face remained expressionless, perhaps because he was trying to control himself, I thought now, and for a moment, I wondered if he would flee the room. But he turned slowly and shut the door behind him, his hand lingering on the doorknob.
And then just as slowly, he climbed in next to me and wrapped one arm under me so that I could lean right up against him. Our faces were probably only an inch apart, our noses practically touching, but neither of us blinked or moved away.
"Good night, Professor," Dimitri finally whispered after a moment and closed his eye.
"Good night."
I waited until I heard his breathing slow to release myself to sleep. Maybe it was all very selfish of me. That I wanted someone by my side to help me sleep. But I was glad to see that it worked for him.
Sleep came over me quickly once I knew he was all right, and I dreamed about Sothis. In my dreams was the only time I saw her and spoke with her—but I knew it wasn't real. It wasn't like my dreams before when she was actually there. These conversations were replays of events long since passed.
I only awoke hours later because I felt something against my throat. A hand.
"Are you going to kill me?"
The hand shot away from my skin, and I opened my eyes to see Dimitri staring at me horrified. "P-Professor. I am sorry, I just—"
"Just?"
There was light peeking through into the room now, so I could see a blush crawl onto his cheeks. "I… At some point, I ended up with my head… against your chest." He spoke the last few words so quickly that I barely heard them. The poor man. "And I heard no heartbeat. I was just checking to make sure…"
"That I was alive?" I finished for him when he trailed off. He nodded. "It's true that I have no heartbeat. But my pulse appears to work just fine."
"No heartbeat?" Dimitri repeated incredulously, even though he had heard—or not heard—it for himself.
"My father wrote about it in his journal. He suspected Rhea did something to me and fled with me from the monastery when I was still just a newborn," I told him. The only one I had shared this with was Sothis, and that was only because I had no choice. "But I'm fine. Don't worry."
"Worry?" Dimitri sat up, and I sat up next to him. Our legs were touching. The bed wasn't exactly meant for two people to share. "Professor, I always worry about you."
I wanted to kiss him. It felt blasphemous to consider it. Maybe it was strange of me to feel anything at all. But was I not a human, despite also serving as a vessel for the progenitor god? Sothis would understand. She would want me to kiss him. She would find it entertaining, to say the least. And yet… it still felt wrong somehow. To even think about it.
So, I looked away from him to hide my feelings and moved my legs so they no longer touched his.
"Were you able to sleep?" I asked.
"Yes…" He sounded surprised by the answer, as though he didn't expect this to work. "Professor… would it be all right if… no, I should not ask this of you. My apologies."
This brought my eyes back to his. His hair was all over the place, and it took every ounce of self-control in my being to keep myself from touching it.
"What?"
"I simply wondered if, on nights that I could not sleep, if I might bother you to be by your side again," he finished.
Goddess… help me.
"Of course," I replied. "Just don't let Dedue find out."
And that was the beginning. It was more unusual for us not to share a bed after that than it was to be together, but I always assumed it was strictly platonic on his end. He never tried anything. He was a perfect gentleman. Just the man you wanted for a king.
I never suspected that a few months later he would reciprocate my hidden feelings and ask me to marry him. But regardless of the label we put on our relationship, the nights always felt cold without him.
Author's Note: Here, have a cute chapter because I JUST CAN'T with them. They're too adorable.
