Chapter Twenty-One – Downtrodden Hearts
I had hardly contributed much of anything to that battle, but I took one step at its conclusion and my knees buckled. Dimitri, who held my hand in his, tried to catch me, but I had already dropped to the ground before he could salvage any of my dignity.
Felix tapped me on the back, as if doing so would release a burst of energy that would get me back up on my feet. But for some reason, my legs felt like pudding, a soft, garbled mess of muscles and bones that couldn't convince themselves to work together. It wasn't like me to appear so weak in front of our army, but the strain of using up all of Sothis's power left me empty of all fuel.
"Sorry," I said with a smile to Dimitri.
"Don't apologize."
He got down on his knees in front of me, back facing me. Dedue stepped forward immediately, as I suspected he might, and offered his back instead.
"It is not proper for a king to carry another, least of all a woman, on his back. Allow me in his stead."
Dimitri turned slightly to look at his vassal. "Dedue, she's my wife."
"There are onlookers, and it is not appropriate," Dedue continued.
Dimitri relented. He stood and shot me a sorry look, but I didn't mind it. To be honest, it was more comfortable holding onto Dedue, anyway. He was larger and his armor less clunky. Not to mention, I didn't feel as guilty about my weight holding Dedue back—the man could lift five of me with no problem.
But it wasn't as if Dimitri hadn't carried me before, so my concern about that was probably unfounded. I'd still been his professor the first time he had to carry me. That had been… during confusing times, to say the least. Outright horrible times, even, considering I had witnessed my father's murdered and avenged him within the span of a moon, and that didn't even include the whole goddess-fusing-with-my-soul thing.
Still, I could look back with a bit of amusement thinking back to that moment.
I must've passed out after all that happened, which, given Sothis's affinity for taking naps whenever she wanted wherever she wanted, wasn't surprising. But falling asleep mid-conversation with the Prince of Faerghus? Well, it was a good thing he was fairly rational then. He had taken it upon himself to carry me back to the monastery, and we were en route when I regained consciousness.
I awoke to the unfamiliar smell of sweat and something else—something sweeter, like honey or brown sugar—and, not knowing where I was or who carried me, thrashed against a young Dimitri's back. We both had toppled over, causing Dedue undue stress and Sylvain a bruised gut from laughing so hard.
"I-I am so sorry, Professor!" Dimitri said as we both clambered to our feet. He touched my arm, and I could still feel his touch burn my skin even today. I shouldn't have felt my heart, as it did not beat, yet I swore in that moment I did.
I backed away from him and shook my head. "No… no, I'm sorry. I must have… fallen asleep."
"You… did…" Dimitri's cheeks had turned bright red, extending like a flame to his ears. "I didn't know what else to do, so I just carried you."
"It's okay."
"Are you feeling all right now?"
"Yes."
"Good."
And just like that, he awkwardly strode off. I should be embarrassed thinking back on that moment now, given that we had done things far more awkward than that now, but I loved him so much that I appreciated thinking back on moments that showcased his total innocence. What would have happened to him if Edelgard hadn't done what she did?
Well, there was no use thinking back on that now. It was all I could do to find joy in the memories that weren't tarnished by Edelgard's mistakes.
I grabbed onto Dedue's neck now, and he hoisted me onto his back, my legs hooked near his hips. And even while carrying me, he offered to serve as a weapon valet, which had instead fallen onto Felix and Ingrid to share the duty.
"Hey, I could take over if you get tired," Sylvain said to Dedue with a grin, one that was perhaps too sly, but immediately fell back after catching Dimitri's eye.
I let my cheek press against Dedue's back, and I closed my eyes. But a moment later, I felt someone touching my hair, and I opened my eyes to see Dimitri.
"Are you all right, my beloved?"
I nodded, then let one arm drop and held my hand out to Dimitri. "Don't leave."
I closed my eyes again as I felt Dimitri's lips touch the back of my hand. "I would never."
We reconvened at Garreg Mach, setting up a checkpoint at the gates to get the names of the soldiers. Some were visibly shaken given that this was their first real taste of battle, and others were in tears describing how they watched the knights around them be murdered before their very eyes. Others remained more hardened, going through the motions to answer our questions and then sliding into a seat with vague looks in their eyes as soon as they passed through the checkpoint.
As suspected, the Almyran army—in shambles after sustaining heavy losses and after losing yet another general—had no interest in returning to Garreg Mach with us, especially given that they were closer to Almyra now than at the monastery. Most elected to simply make the journey back to Almyra, while only a dozen or so young fighters came back with us.
This meant that we could only check the numbers on the Kingdom army, so we wouldn't know accurately how many we lost in this battle.
Seteth came down from his office when he saw our troops returning, and he was already passing out bandages and ordering clerics to get to work healing our soldiers. When he saw me walk through the checkpoint at the end, once all our people made it through, he dropped what he was doing and hurried to my side.
"Lady Byleth. What happened out there?" he asked. "Where are the Almyrans?"
I sighed, and Dimitri walked on ahead to check in with soldiers. Now that we were in the monastery grounds, it would be safer for him to leave my side, but I still preferred that I could see him. The long journey back here had allowed some of my power to restore, and I ended up walking most of the way like the rest of them. But given that Theron knew all about my power and how I could potentially use it to manipulate him again, I would avoid using it at all cost.
"Most of them returned to Almyra. Because the Agarthans were using magic and most of the Almyran soldiers were wyvern riders, they sustained heavier losses than we did. Their general is said to have fallen, too. So, they didn't want to come back with us," I explained.
Seteth put a hand to his bearded chin and shook his head. "We needed their numbers to bolster ours…" He dropped his arm back to his side. "What of the Agarthans?"
"They sustained losses, too. Most likely not as many of ours. Dimitri and I injured Theron, but he got away." I glanced around the crowd of soldiers around us and lowered my voice as I continued. "It's still unclear who the leader behind all this is. Theron and Adonis referred to themselves as 'mere descendants' and both downplayed their roles, but I wonder if that's a lie."
Seteth thought for a moment. "The Agarthans are not like the Nabateans. They were regular humans who simply benefitted from Sothis's gifts. They would have a normal human lifespan, perhaps a bit longer thanks to their technology and magic. So, if Theron and Adonis were both descendants of the original Agarthans, that likely means they were the ones that actually held a great deal of power within their tribe. The Agarthans must have recruited more people during their years underground, so to be a true descendant of the Agarthans must be rare after a thousand years of doing so."
Meaning… Adonis and Theron were both more important than they gave themselves credit for, at least to my face. But if we defeated Theron next, who would be there to take his place? He took over Adonis's role quickly enough when I killed him.
"Byleth."
I snapped out of my own thoughts and looked up at Dimitri, who was back at my side. Seteth excused himself with a bow, returning to handing out bandages to injured soldiers.
Dimitri took me by the elbow to a less crowded area, not that anyone would be able to hear our conversation back in the crowd. There were people sobbing and people shouting, wyverns roaring and horses stomping their hooves.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Dimitri shifted his feet and crossed his arms. "We got our headcount."
"And the numbers are bad?"
He shook his head. "They're good. We only lost about one hundred and twenty soldiers."
I scrunched my eyebrows together. We estimated higher than that back at the field, so to be met with such low casualties was a blessing. It was times like this, after all, that made people believe in the goddess and her divine protection. To be fair, she certainly did help us this time around. Or at least me.
The silence that followed his statement lingered between us for a moment. He expected me to say something… but I wasn't sure what to say, given that he was clearly still bothered by something. Did I rejoice in the good news, only to be squandered a moment later? Did I press, make my husband squirm?
He finally pulled me into him, pressing my face into his shoulder as he spoke. "It's Ashe. He did not make it back."
My eyes widened, and though I wanted to pull back, to escape Dimitri's touch, I stood frozen against him.
Ashe… sweet Ashe, the boy who had been blessed with a kind adoptive father, only to watch him be killed by the church's own. Ashe, who rose like a phoenix from the flames after that tragedy, who sought justice and truth and wanted everything to be fair. Ashe, the one who saw Dedue for who he was, not as just a man from Duscur. Kind, honorable Ashe, who just wed his bride not long ago.
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, but I swallowed and hardened myself. I had to be strong for the others. I had to talk to them, make sure they were okay. We were used to classmates dying, but not our own. We all made it through this together. We were supposed to make it out of this together, too.
"Does anyone know what happened?" I asked. My voice came out muffled against Dimitri's shirt.
"Some witnesses said that they saw him save some Almyrans, but that he got hit instead in doing so."
I pulled myself away from Dimitri and took a deep breath, holding it in my chest as I begged my eyes to dry. But I couldn't hold it in. "Fuck," I breathed, and I threw my arms around my husband's neck and buried myself into him. He rubbed my back.
I couldn't take this one back. I couldn't save him.
"Dedue is coming," Dimitri whispered in my ear and stepped away from me. "He doesn't know."
I sniffled back what started to drip from my nose and wiped my eyes. Being a leader, there was no time to be weak. I couldn't have a moment to myself to cry with my husband. I had to hold whatever these feelings were in until I was in the privacy of my own room—and then, I had to be strong for my children. They wouldn't want to see their mother cry.
So, I had to hold it all in.
"Your Majesties." Dedue bowed when he reached us. "You should go clean yourselves up so we can hold a strategy meeting."
Dimitri nodded, glancing in what he probably thought was a subtle way at me before refocusing his attention on Dedue. "Of course, we should do that. Byleth," he said pointedly, "you should go ahead and get started. I'll meet you in the room after I talk with Dedue."
I knew how the conversation would go. It'd be unusual if Dedue showed any reaction at all to the news. After all, he witnessed the murders of his entire people, suffered for years while trying to make it back to Dimitri during the war, watched former classmates die. He would react with sadness, but not with emotion.
Yet I still didn't want to be here for it. So, I followed Dimitri's suggestion and left. The world around me was like a simple background picture in a book—there, but not the main focus of all that was happening. I couldn't hear the clamor anymore, not even my own footsteps.
It was perhaps a miracle that no one bothered me on the way back to the room. The volume of the world around me was restored when Katrina's giggle from the other side of the door broke through. I closed my eyes and held onto the doorknob for a moment, taking this one moment to breathe and remember Ashe. Sweet Ashe.
I entered the room, and Katrina and Alexi jumped up from their toys to greet me with squeals.
"Welcome back, Professor," Mercedes stood up from the desk chair where she sat. "I hear quite a commotion out there. Is everything all right? Was your plan a success?"
I swallowed and shook my head. "Not really."
It was… surely it was, given that this was the first time we had any sort of battle with the Agarthans and managed to get out on top. But…
"Oh." Mercedes stepped over the pile of stuffed animals and blocks and took me into her arms. "It is a good thing that you're back safe and sound, though." She let go of me and smiled, then looked down at the kids. "I'm going to go see if I can help. They were great."
"Thank you, Mercedes."
She touched my shoulder as she walked by me, and I dropped down to the floor next to Katrina. She jumped into my lap and pushed her stuffed wyvern into my face. I squeezed her close to me, and then pulled Alexi in, too, when he walked over.
"I just want this world to be safe for you… so that you don't need to fight any more wars," I said.
"Mommy, is okay," Katrina said, reaching a hand out from my vice grip and touching my cheek. "Is okay."
I grabbed her little hand and kissed her fingers. "It will be."
When I let go of them, Alexi held out his own stuffed wyvern to me. "Mommy, I love you."
I took his wyvern and held it close to me, and then Katrina handed me hers. "You have."
A forbidden tear slipped down my cheek. These kids were so kind. What did we do to deserve them? To be fair, Katrina was probably giving this to me with some other plan in the back of her mind, like she wanted something bigger and better in return. But still. Alexi's gift came from his heart, plain and simple.
"Is Daddy okay?" Alexi asked, looking nervously at the door.
"Yes, Daddy is okay." I ruffled his hair and kissed his cheek. "Did you miss us?"
"I miss you all the time. When are we going home, Mommy? I want to go home…" Alexi leaned against me, holding his small hand over mine on my leg.
Katrina scooted off my lap and went back to continue to play with blocks, no longer interested in the conversation. But Alexi stared me down, his eyes wide with fear and sadness. What sort of scars had we left on his heart by leading him here?
"We'll go home soon," I told him. "I promise."
Author's Note: Remember when I said I'd have a chapter quickly this time? Well… so much for that! I got really sick and was pretty much bedridden for a little bit, so that was fun. But I'm feeling better now, so I finally got a chance to update!
I'll have some exciting news for you guys next week, so stay tuned!
