Author's note:

I just wanted to let you know that Ted is NOT a Mary Sue. Also, they didn't decide to simply help John because it liked him or because it was sexually attracted to him in any way. Ted simply just related to him on a spiritual level, okay?

Plus, I would NEVER ship Ted with anyone. There is nothing lewd about a glass of orange juice. That's basically bestiality. 'Orantiality'. Whatever... Besides, Ted is WAY above any man or women—perhaps love in general.

Also, don't even DARE to write any fan fiction of Ted yourself or even include it in any one of your sick fantasies in your own mind. I know it's a great character—as I wrote it, but don't you dare ruin Ted for the rest of us true fans of 100% orange juice.

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I waited patiently in the living room (After all, I was… You know… living...). I silently contemplated my new life with a being of 100% orange juice, let alone a being that was 100% my type. A being that just so happened to be in the kitchen right now, supposedly deciding what glass to wear next. I wondered what it was going to wear…

Oh god… don't tell Ted I thought that… it's too embarrassing… _

Eventually, assuming Ted was done, I made my way though the door frame to the kitchen. Then, I witnessed something I probably shouldn't have...

On one side of the kitchen counter, orange juice was transferring itself from a tipped over glass on the counter to one readily available on the floor, dripping ever so sensually over my counter top. Immediately, it noticed my presence.

"John... please look away...".

I was very embarrassed, and rightfully so. But perhaps... I couldn't help but feel a little blessed? It wasn't every day you see naked orange juice… and it was a refreshing beverage for my eyes to take in…

Ted signed, signalling that the coast was clear. Completely clear, as the dirty glass had already been put inside the dishwasher and all orange liquids were absent. ShamWow, more like ScamNow! All that remained was an incredibly disappointed Ted. It would be negligent to not let you know that Ted now had curves in all the right places. It my fanciest glass after all. It wasn't a wine glass though, that would make Ted appear girly.

Finally, Ted decided to break the tension every so building in the room. "you pervert... though, I guess I can't fully blame you..."

"I'm sorry. Please, forgive me!" I squirmed while looking away, only to realize that the tone of Ted's voice contained no malice, only orange juice. "...wait, you're not mad?"

"Of course I'm not mad John..." The glass of orange juice proclaimed. "I happen to be an intellectual. Such grotesque emotions are below me"

My eyes grew to diner plates. How did Ted do it? To transcend human emotion like that. Tears became to scream down my face. I had to bow down to my superior.

"Oh? What is this John...?" Ted mocked. "Finally recognizing what I am beyond the glass, seeing me for what's truly inside...?"

John, still on the ground soiling his eyes before the purity of orange juice stature, was merely taking in the beautiful sight of ted.

"I am finally beginning to see that every accomplishment I have made up to now... it had all been by mere consequence. Please... my god... please... teach me how to be as morally righteous as you are now" I hesitantly demand.

Ted merely sighed, inconvenienced by John's stupidity. "Oh john, you must simply right yourself of all things that disturb you. Why have none of your kind even thought about such things before? You must do everything in your power to please God, but also to satisfy yourself. Only then can you become an intellectual like myself..."

"To satisfy... myself?"

"Yeah... is there ANYTHING that is weighing in your consciousness? No matter how minor you may think it to be? Ted questioned, raising a good point.

"Well". I blushed while touching my fingertips together in a useless fashion. "I guess there is … something…."

"Spit it out, John! You are a man, aren't you. Though if it is something dirty… I will juice you!" Ted scolded, but with no anger.

"…Dirty…." I stumbled. "You mean like between you… and I?..." I immediately buried my head in my hands. "Iiiii-iiit iisn't s-something like t-that….I mean… could you imagine… you and I… together…"

"No John. Frankly, you are way to primitive of a life-form for me to even consider you an option. Didn't you read the author's note! It was the first thing in the chapter..." Ted reminded.

"...anyway" Ted continued."John, you need to follow through with this desire of yours."

"Well there is this mug…"

"A mug you say..?" Ted gleamed, finally invested in the conversation he started. "go on..."

"My ex-girlfriend forgot to return it from me… It was a mug styled after the show Rick and Morty, personally signed by its creators."

"A girl-friend…. I seriously doubt that…" Ted doubted, while looking at my many faults and weaknesses as a person.

"No, really! Her name was Sophie. She was a hotty! I even dumped her!" I bragged.

"What for?" Ted inquired.

"Well... when we were having a conversation (one I was clearly winning), it became abundantly clear that she didn't believe in God. Even making a joke against your 'the garden variety' Christian."

"The nerve of her!" Ted bubbled. "it may not be too late for her mother to have an abortion..."

"I know, right!" I complained. "While I'm not personally a christian myself, if I was, I would have been incredibly offended. I couldn't believe the audacity of her in that hypothetical situation." I paused in retrospection. "... though..." I spoke more quietly. "The messed up part is that some part of me... still wants her back..."

"Although this is touching and all," Ted forwarded the plot, "I think we should go there right now. You know, to get this mug of yours. It would be in your best interest, as I would know, for you to forget about the blasphemers."

After some planning, Ted and I decided to stalk Sophie at her place of work. I wouldn't ordinarily do this, especially while Ted was looking, but God would be on my side if I believe he existed.

Sophie was one of those front desk workers-perhaps a secretary? Luckily enough, she happened to be drinking coffee from the very mug. What's the name of the company? I don't know, why don't you Google it?

Here is are plan of action:

Step 1: Ted detracts Sophie (I am unsure what Ted is going to do, but they seemed pretty sure)

Step 2: I wait for the opportune time. Take mug while she is distracted

Step 3: Profit?

It is a fool-proof plan.

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Sophie was filing papers, as she usually did, like always. It was for a nondescript company that liked organization. If you are so interested to know what company it was, then Google it already.

In her decks, besides copious amounts of forms, brochures, and pens, was a cup of coffee. Between filling out a form of a client that just phoned her, she reached towards her drink.

"Oh hoOo~... drinking so brazenly... and in the public space of your office space no less. Is someone... perhaps... a bit shameless?

Shocked, she glanced to the right of her, only to see a glass of orange juice innocuously loitering about her deck space. Who put that there? ...And... why did it feel so right? Looking it over, her mouth became moist with a fruity flavour. Did she really want to partake in a glass of succulent orange juices, even before getting to personally know it prior? And why oh why is her face starting to feel a little hot from this? It was merely a glass of 100% orange juice, why did it affect her such?

"ww-what?" She barely breathed out, full on blushing as she did so.

"I mean..." This strangely attractive beverage floated on. "you didn't even ask of its permission. Was this a mere example of you asserting your dominance, to partake in a meaningful and subtle exchange of fluids? Even to the gazes of your peers no less..."

"...Unless...perhaps..." Ted rippled meaningfully. "that sort of thing would... I don't know... enhance your drink..." Ted extra-pronounced the 'k' at the end, I mean, as much as a glass of orange juice could.

"I-I'm... I'm sooo sorry" Sophie sniffled. She had only been drinking a glass of her afternoon coffee, but never in her life did she feel so embarrassed of her actions. She should reconsider her drinking habits. How loose of a women did she appear, given that she could and would so carelessly drink coffee in front of her coworkers?

"Oh, there is no need to be apologetic. In fact, I liked what I saw." Ted gloriously gleamed, beaming an orange ray directing into her undeserving heart.

"What?!" Sophie gasped. Was this perhaps... love at first blush... Had this glass of orange juice not only understood how shameful she was inside, but had also accepted it? She was intrigued by every word the glass of orange juice said.

"I mean, I see that you may like it black, but perhaps... would you like it... orange?" Ted insinuated.

"What do you mean?" Sophie responded softly, as if an innocent child became humbled at the mere sight of her better.

"...come closer..." Ted enticed.

Sophie reached her face closer to the glass on her desk counter-top- ever so closer towards her destiny. Leaping closer and closer into the seductive aura only a glass of 100% orange juice could exude. Her eyes nearly at the threshold of the glass, watering in pure bliss. The smell divine, as her nose gently caressing the edge of the glass. She briefly hesitated, before taking it all in.

Inside was a silly straw. Purple and pink, glistening with glitter. But, it was only 4cm tall, well below the contents of the alluring orange glow.

"It's... so small..." She steamed, curious and with eyes the size of diner plates.

"Although some may wish for a longer and 'functional' length of straw... I thought that this way... we could be more intimately involved. We could be closer this way... Care for a ... taste...?" Ted invited, causing Sophie's face to brush a deeper crimson.

Sophie looked around the office, considering her options. She was that type of person? One who would drink orange juice even in her place of work. In the public's eye for all to see. She took it all in. One thing was for sure...

...she was thirsty...

The type thirst only a glass of 100% orange could suffice.

It was embarrassing, how the only way to drink orange juice was through the opening-lips of a cylinder. To kiss the juice as though she were kissing her beloved. She begin to approach the straw with her lips. Anticipating the mere moment of happiness, a moment that could be the greatest bit of happiness in her entire life. Happiness only a glass of 100% orange could grant her...

But just then, before the good part. I burst onto the scene.

"w-what are you doing!" I exclaimed, jealous of the interaction.

"j—john..." Sophie. She spontaneously distanced herself from Ted. "This isn't... we weren't..."

"This isn't what we wanted, Ted! You were suppose to-" I object.

"—No John... This is exactly what the plan was. As I always say, do want you desire. Less you be an inferior character. Now take your mug... I have other plans to attend to" Ted stated, claiming it's slave in front of me.

Ted then metaphorically gestured to Sophie. "Take us away, my slave..."

"Of course, master..."

Then, Sophie carried Ted out of that place. I was able to take my Rick and Morty mug back... but was it really a victory...?

_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./[Philosophic Discussion]_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./_-./

"..."

"Hey John" Ted starts a conversation.

"What is it?" I reply

"Did you know the earth is flat?" Ted states as a fact.

"Oh..." I contemplated a responce. Was this a sign that Ted was a flat-earther? Oh my god, that is terrible.

I continue to think. There must be an explanation. For Ted to say something... so wrong... But for such a poet and renown genius to believe such a thing, it must be actually true then... right? I mean, unless glasses of 100% orange juice exist in a vastly different universe than our own-a higher place of existence if you will- as to make our own earth flat by comparison.

"I apologize for my ignorance Ted" I respond, sadly. "..but up until now... I believed otherwise. Thank you for correcting my ignorant ways..."

"No John, this was a test. You just failed. Although, it isn't entirely untrue..." Ted clarified.

"you mean?" I gasped in shock. "...so it is true...!"

"That is right John." Ted enlightened. "I do in fact exist in a higher place of existence for which everything you know appears flat and uninteresting..."

"Excuse me, Ted." I butted in. "If I may... could you please tell me why you chose to bless us all with your presence. Why exist-"

"Shut it John!" Ted shouted convincingly. "This is a fan-fiction! That is all that I was referring to..."

"fan...fiction?!"

"God... you are all hopeless..."

You all are.